Random Review: "X-Men Origins: Wolverine"

As a self-proclaimed movie buff, I tend to notice things in movies that the regular moviegoer may not. It probably makes me more picky about movies in general, but I don't really care. It does, on occasion, take the fun out of certain movies but I'd rather appreciate the quality of the filmmaking than just enjoy myself. I now, I'm that kind of asshole but to each their own, I guess. There's one thing you should know before reading on: this review will be largely negative. And honestly, I wouldn't be surprised to get a cease and desist from FOX since I attended a "free screening" of their movie before it came out and am going to bash it like I'm Chris Brown on Rihanna. But here is a review of the movie anyway because I'm just a rebel like that.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Ryan Reyonlds, Taylor Kitsch
Plot: How Wolverine became Wolverine.

*There will be no spoilers, although I wouldn't be spoiling much.*

Keep in mind that I'm not, nor have I ever been, a fan of the X-Men comics. Not because they are bad, just because I was never into comics. The three movies before though? They sucked. Hard.
Casting Iron
A big problem, but not the only one, was the casting. There were miscasts up, down, and all around. So much so that I'm going to write about the problem with a few of the major characters of the movie.
Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool: Anytime Ryan Reynolds opens his mouth, or even moves his arms in a funny fashion, I'm tempted to laugh even when I'm not supposed to. The man is not an action star, no matter how ripped he is. Stick to romantic comedies with a little raunch in them, Ryan. Here, his character is a laughable clown. And it's not funny.
Liev Schreiber as Sabertooth: Liev, you are better than this. His character was so badly constructed from the start that it made the character development in X-Men 3 look like an Alfred Hitchcock piece.
Dominic Monaghan as Beak: Hmmm, let's cast a Hobbit as a superhero! People that like Lord of the Rings will see this movie. No offense, Dominic, but maybe you should go back to TV until Guillermo Del Toro needs for 2011's The Hobbit. You aren't a great actor.
Taylor Kitsch as Gambit: If you've seen the TV show Friday Night Lights, then you know him as Riggins. And he doesn't act very different here. At all.

Remember When I Hosted the Oscars?
Listen, I have no problem with Hugh Jackman. He tried his hardest to make the Oscars more exciting and original, even if only parts of the show worked. But I don't see his appeal, as an actor. Yeah, he's a good looking guy, I get it, but can he really act? Because I haven't seen it. This movie here? It's a complete disaster from head to toe. Director of the movie Gavin Hood and I are buddies. (By buddies, I mean I looked him up on IMDb). When he invited me over for a "free screening" I was hesitant, because I didn't really want to see this movie ever. But it was free and before most people will see it, so I took up his offer. When it ended, he asked me what I thought. I told him "You know that scene in Jurrasic Park where they find that huge pile of dinosaur shit? Well, that had to pile up somehow. Over the last 100 minutes, I saw a pile of shit piling up more and more and more. This movie makes much hated X-Men 3 director Bret Ratner look like Orson Wells. Gavin, people are going to hate this movie and they are going to hate you for making it. Forever." Although I was kicked out of his house, I was satisfied with my answer. I had time to reflect on whether I was being too hard on the movie or not and I decided that I was being completely fair with my assessment. Nobody will like this movie. The action sequences are stupid, the emotional parts laughable, the plot holes bigger than Queen Kong's vagina, and actors that are either bad or really don't care about the product. I don't even feel bad about seeing it at my own private "free screening." There are just some movies you wish were never made. This is going to be one of them.
My suggestion? Save the $10 you would spend on this crap and wait a week to spend it to see Star Trek in IMAX. Or Terminator 4. Or Up. Or Drag Me to Hell. I'd even recommend Angels and Demons over this, because it can't be worse.
But you can watch this for free on numerous websites that I won't list, at risk of them getting taken off because of me. But instead of seeing it, you can do what I did after watching this garbage: ding-dong ditch my friend Gavin Hood at 4 AM.

Rating: 3/10

Hey FOX! Your movies suck and you're assholes for canceling Arrested Development!