A Shot on Celluloid

Everybody loves the lovable alcoholic in movies. They provide humor, an ever abundance of energy, and can used for almost any ridiculous moment in a movie that wouldn't fly if it was happening sober. Who are these great, wonderful characters? Well, I'm gonna find out if it's the last thing I do. But, actually, since it won't be that hard, it probably won't be. In fact, I'll probably do tons of stuff after this. Anyways, here are the 6 Greatest Movie Drunks.

6. Frank the Tank
Appears In: Old School.
Drink of Choice: Only fine brew the Tank. Well, any brew actually.
Played By: Wil Ferrell
The Legend: Will Ferrell takes a man who, instead of bracing of his newly married life, turns into a 35-year old college student. Nothing less than wasted will do for Frank, which is kind of similar to my personality. Frank also has a propensity to take his clothes off and a love of the Sisqo CD, which is where comparisons between us end. Which is a shame. Because Sisqo had such potential as an actor. Although Old School is nowhere near the level of Animal House, Will Ferrell's drunken Frank certainly makes it worth the ride.


5. That's One Bad Santa
Appears In: Bad Santa
Drink of Choice: He doesn't seem to be too picky
Played By Billy Bob Thorton
The Legend: Maybe the reason Billy Bob Thorton plays the douchebag well is that he is one. No matter the reason, his alcoholic Santa with a love for the fat lady (hey, to each their own) is a great comedic turn. What man hasn't felt the need to come to work smashed? Well, Billy does it every day. The liquor cabinet is about as safe as kid alone with a priest whenever this Santa's around. Swearing in front of kids, living is some random kids house, drinking and driving, fucking, stealing, and, most of all, loving. In the end, the alcoholic always has a soft spot. In this case, Billy has a soft spot for a kid. Which isn't as gross as it sounds.


4. The McKenzie Brothers
Appears in: Strange Brew
Played By: Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas (no, not the Wendy's guy. but that would have been even better.)
Drink of Choice: Only Canadian beer will do. (Their loss.)
The Legend: I don't particularly like this movie, but I can't deny the Canadians brothers joining such a list. Taken from a sketch on Canadian TV (which requires you to have a Canadian product present in your program) about Canadian beer drinking brothers. The plot is so inane and worthless that it's not even worth mentioning. What is worth mentioning is their commitment to getting free beer. It's the quest of every big drinker to acquire as many free drinks as possible because a wasted man's bar tab is usually higher than most credit card bills. Canadian beer isn't the greatest but at least they stick by their brand, eh?


3. Buttermaker
Appears In: Bad News Bears (the original)
Played By: Walter Matthau
Drink of Choice: Mostly Beer and Whiskey/Scotch
The Legend: How does an alcoholic ex-Major Leaguer deal with a bunch of Little Leaguers? You mean, besides yelling at them incessantly, drinking at the park, and recruiting the daughter of one his ex's. Eventually, he eases up on the boozing when the team starts doing better but the story is better because of his redemption. He overcomes the bottle, while the kids overcome the expectations of the rest of the league. Still, the alcoholic Buttermaker is an awesome creation of Walter Matthau, may he rest in peace, that makes you laugh and cringe all at the same time. If only Billy Bob Throton didn't think he had to try and remake the character. Douche.
Buttermaker

2. Arthur
Appears In: Arthur
Played By: Dudley Moore
Drink of Choice: Scotch, Martini's.
The Legend: Arthur is such a lovable drunk. It seems that, besides his immediate family, everyone loves him. And how could you not? Despite his flaws, it always seems like he's happy and having fun. Laughing incessantly at his own jokes, slurring like his mouth is half-filled with saliva at all times, and his love of prostitution all makes Arthur one of the best alcoholics on cinema. The rich alcoholic is one that gets drunk more because he's just bored and doesn't have to work. Work, Arthur does not. There's never been, nor has there since been, a character quite like the one the enigmatic Dudley Moore brought to Arthur. He's that kind of drunk that makes some people uncomfortable but others just love being around. You know he's got a problem but you can't even imagine what he'd be like if he wasn't a drunk.


1. John Blutarsky
Appears In: Animal House
Played By: John Belushi
Drink of Choice: Beer and Whiskey
The Legend: A character that has so little dialogue, yet so much screen presence. Belushi's Bluto character is a drunk of a different breed. He doesn't have the lovable charm or the cluelessness that some drunks in film often have. He's just...there...drinking. He's vile, disgusting , and loves the sauce. Everybody knows him, yet he doesn't know anyone. God forbid you take away his Jack Daniels. Or have to guess what he is while he's got a mouthful of food. One thing you can count on is for him to be at the party and for him to be drunk. Because everyone knows that guy in college who majored in Drinking. Belushi's character is a portrait of that guy. A soliloquy for the sloshed. An ode to loaded. A haiku to booze. Shaekspeare for the imbibed. Belushi's character isn't one that will live in infamy. Because infamy is a bad thing. And there's nothing bad about being excessively and constantly sloshed in college.


Another look at the greatness of alcohol in the movie has turned out quite well if I do say so. Everything can be funny, even alcoholism. Those guys took it to a whole new level. I would like to give an honorable mention to the Drunk Four from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" who bring the boozing every show. Anyways, I'll keep this short since I'm watching the Bull try to stay alive here against the Celtics. So sit back, watch the game, and enjoy a beer or two. Go Bulls!