The Super-Sexy Compliment Sandwich Baseball Preview

In a predictable turn of events here at my underread blog, I've decided to do a baseball preview. Since you can read any ol' preview at pretty much every sports site in existence, I've decided to switch it up in a way only a semi-alcoholic underachieving college graduate can: with sarcastic humor! So, for every team, I'll either compliment them, with a criticism in the middle, or criticize them with a compliment in the middle, depending on the quality of the team. So here it is: The Sexiest Baseball Preview Ever.

AL Central
1. Cleveland Indians
Compliment: They added Cubs 2008 MVP Mark DeRosa and finally got a closer in Kerry Wood.
Insult: They play in Ohio. Yucky.
Compliment: Grady Sizemore is the sexiest white Centerfielder in baseball.

2. Minnesota Twins
Compliment: Look up overachiever in a dictionary and you'll find a picture of the Minnesota Twins.
Insult: Their stadium is hideous.
Compliment: I can't name any of their starting Outfielders and I'm picking them to finish 2nd in a tough division.

3. Chicago White Sox
Compliment: Alexei Ramirez is the next Alfonso Soriano, but maybe better.
Insult: Paul Konerko is slower than my grandma and I ain't exaggerating.
Compliment: Their stadium's food is delightful.

4. Detroit Tigers
Insult: They play in the worst major city in America.
Compliment: With the talent they have on offense, they can't do any worse than last year
Insult: Dontrelle Willis has found the only MLB team that would actually use him as a starter.

5. Kansas City Royals
Insult: Their DH looks like Butterbean.
Compliment: They've got some good building blocks and could be somewhat competitive this season.
Insult: They really don't have a superstar player that can carry them.

AL West
1. Los Angeles Angels
Compliment: They have a great offense and bullpen, all the way through.
Insult: Will any of it matter come October?
Compliment: Lots of Latinos love the Angels. And if Los Angeles has anything, it's Latinos.

2. Oakland Athletics
Compliment: If the middle of the lineup can stay healthy, (Holliday/Jason Giambi/Chavez) it could be the biggest offensive year in Oakland in a while.
Insult: Their rotation is as young as the guest list to a Michael Jackson party.
Compliment: Basically, Oakland Athletics is a synonym for Minnesota Twins.

3. Texas Rangers
Insult: They have one of, if not the, worst pitching staffs in the league.
Compliment: Their gonna smash the ball around alot, as always.
Insult: You'd think they'd sign one good pitcher by now. COME ON!

4. Seattle Mariners
Insult: 5th starter Ryan Rowlands-Smith would have alot better name without the Smith.
Compliment: Felix Hernandez is better than most pitchers when he's healthy and he turns 23 on opening day.
Insult: Their lineup, at least 4th-9th, leaves much to be desired.

AL East (Or, the division that's better than yours)
1. Boston Red Sox
Compliment: Same team as last year and it was damn good.
Insult: The way Bostoners talk is annoying.
Compliment: When you have a 2nd baseman who can win MVP, you're pretty much swimming in sexuality.

2. Tampa Bay Rays
Compliment: Because their young, fearless, and the funest team to watch in baseball.
Insult: Lost a few bullpen guys, which was their main strength. And nobody goes to their games, because their stadium is pathetic.
Compliment: They're quicker than a premature ejaculator.

3. New York Yankees
Insult: If A-Rod struggles at all, you're gonna hear it everywhere.
Compliment: You're offense with A-Rod is unbelievably ridiculous.
Insult: A.J. Burnett and C.C. Sabathia = Carl Pavano and a heart attack waiting to happen?

4. Toronto Blue Jays
Insult: Chipper Jones thinks your town is boring. And he's from ATLANTA.
Compliment: You got Roy Halladay, the most consistent thing since bad Bears QB's.
Insult: Besides him, who's throwing the ball in honor of your owner, who died in the offseason? Mediocre relievers, that's who.

5. Baltimore Orioles
Insult: The top 3 of their lineup is Entourage Season 2, while the rest is Entourage Season 5. (Good-->Awful)
Compliment: It'll be fun to hear how announcers pronounce 2nd SP Koji Uehara's name.
Insult: Rich Hill is in your rotation. Have fun with that.

NL West
1. Los Angeles Dodgers
Compliment: Manny.
Insult: Manny.
Compliment: Manny.

2. Arizona Diamondbacks
Compliment: Your pitching is pretty damn good with Webb and Haren at the top.
insult: If any pitcher has a 20 strikeout game this year, it will be against this team.
Compliment: You're team is really boring to me. But you win, so who cares what I think.

3. Colorado Rockies
Insult: You lost you're best hitter and your closer. Usually, that's a bad thing.
Compliment: You're like Texas. At least you'll hit.
Insult: You're pitching actually....improved. Go figure.

4. San Francisco Giants
Insult: You're offense is as ugly as it is old and bad.
Compliment: It's Lincecum vs. Peavy for 4th place.
Insult: You're paying Barry Zito so much, you can't bench, trade, or minor league him. Just look at his Mazerati and cry tears of failure.

5. San Diego Padres
Insult: They have what is easily the worst offense is baseball.
Compliment: Imagine how much you could get from the Cubs for Jake Peavy....mmmmm.
Insult: Mark Prior is still in your system. GET RID OF HIM!

NL East
1. New York Mets
Compliment: You actually have a bullpen this year!!
Insult: You're rotation would scare me minus Johan if I were a Mets fan.
Compliment: Finally, you don't play in a garbage dump anymore!

2. Atlanta Braves
Compliment: I like your rotation more than other people do.
Insult: Garret Anderson is left? Why?
Compliment: Your team has the best collection of names in the majors.

3. Philadelphia Phillies
Compliment: You're team's almost the same and you won the World Series last year.
Insult: You ruined everyone's dream of seeing the Rays win the World Series. And nobody likes Philadelphians. Fuck you.
Compliment: The Flyin' Hawaiian (Shane Victorino) is one of the best nicknames in recent memory.

4. Florida Marlins
Compliment: Hanley Ramirez: the best player in baseball.
Insult: You're a little too homer happy. And you play in a football stadium.
Compliment: I love me some Cameron Maybin.

5. Washington Nationals
Insult: I think everyone in your lineup is an outfielder
Compliment: I don't know.
Insult: You have a hideous team and are an embarrassment.

NL Central
1. Chicago Cubs
Compliment: Your rotation is sexilicious.
Insult: You're a moron for trading Mark DeRosa. Kosuke Fukudome.
Compliment: Fontenot has sneaky power at 2B

2. Milwaukee Brewers
Compliment: You can hit the ball damn well.
Insult: Their pitching makes me *yawn* bored.
Compliment: You released Eric Gagne. Right?

3. Houston Astros
Compliment: You're offense is very balanced. You may scare me more than the Brewers, as a Cubs fan.
Insult: I wouldn't be too proud of that rotation, unless you are like the parents that are proud of their kids no matter what.
Compliment: You won't get no-hit again, provided there's not another hurricane.

4. St. Louis Cardinals
Insult: Did you know that Tony LaRussa is the only MLB manager with both a DUI and a "Falling asleep in the middle of an intersection"?
Compliment: They've got Pujols, the best hitter in baseball.
Insult: Who the fuck is your closer? Or anyone in your pen for that matter?

5. Cincinnati Reds
Insult: You should probably find a position for Micah Owings so he can hit everyday.
Compliment: You'll probably do better than last year. Progress, sirs. Look at the Rays. Patience is a virtue.
Insult: Dusty Baker is not gonna progress you anywhere. (read: Jerry Hairston, Jr. starting in LF)

6. Pittsburgh Pirates
Insult: You're leadoff hitter's name is Nyjer. That's not creative, just dumb.
Compliment: Your youngsters could improve. But you'll still suck.
Insult: I love it when the Cubs play you.

Wild Cards
NL: Atlanta Braves , AL: Tampa Bay Rays

Playoffs:
Mets over Dodgers, Cubs over Braves----> Mets over Cubs
Rays over Angels, Red Sox over Indians---->Red Sox over Rays

World Series:
Red Sox over Mets in 5


After that sexy baseball preview, I'd like to turn to a more serious and sad note. A week or so ago, another reason to absolutely despise Texas popped up. Texans backup RB Ryan Moats was speeding towards the hospital with his wife and her sister in the car to get to a hospital to see his dying mother-in-law. He was pulled over by a cop in the hospital parking lot. He and his wife explained the situation to the cop, but the cop threatened to take them to jail if they didn't shut up. The sister went into the hospital anyway, as anyone would. The cop made Moats wait around for over 20 minutes while threatening to tow his car, pulling his gun on him, and threatening to jail him if he didn't stay where he was. His mother-in-law died before he got to see her, while the cop was making him wait. The cop's suspended but here's hoping he gets fired and never gets a job at anywhere but a fast food chain.
Here's the full story from S.I.:
Ryan Moats Story.
Sorry to end on a depressing note, but until next time, cheer up!