You've Got No Direction!

Everybody hates somebody. Hell, someone probably even hates me (although, I can't understand why. I'm delightful!) It partly defines you on how you react to the people you hate. There are also things you love, I hope. What's the worst thing that can happen? The people you hate getting their hands on the things you love. (i.e. your girlfriend, your weed) And you know what I love? Well, yeah, I do love booze but that's not what I was going for. I love sex, but I don't have it enough to get too mad about it. My third love is most definitely film. And boy, there are some people around LaLaLand that I just can't stand. They make a mockery of my favorite business. One day, I will have my revenge. But until then, I bitch about them in blog form. Because that's what a classy person would do. Here are The 6 Worst Directors in Hollywood. Bring. It. On.

6. Michael Bay
Failures: Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys I + II, The Island
Redemption? The Rock
Shake It: Michael Bay. What's there to say that hasn't been said? Besides The Rock, he made the equivalent of dog crap and thrown it on screen. Violent camera movement? Check. Plethora of cuts? Check. Everything, including babies and nuns, exploding? Check. Here some antonyms for Michael Bay: creative, abstract, useful, thought-provoking, attractive, smart, polite, generous, God, capable, and poor. It's the last one that really gets me. His movies are full of lack of character development and made for mindless entertainment. See a Michael Bay movie is like bad pizza: it's still pizza, you just wished you ordered from somewhere else when you're done.
Urban Dictionary Definition: Michael Bay (adj.)- a movie that is profitable, yet painful to watch.


5. Steve Carr
Failures: Paul Blart, Are We Done Yet?, Daddy Day Care, Dr. Dolittle 2, Rebound, Next Friday
Redemption? Nope. Those are ALL his movies.
No Fun: When your highest grossing movie is Paul Blart: Mall Cop, you may want to consider another profession, like catering. Steve Carr is like that guy at all your parties that one of your friends like but everyone else hates. He just keeps showing up and puking all over the rug you just bought at IKEA. Plus, why is he doing all african-american themed movies? He's WHITE! Listen, there's nothing wrong with celebrating black culture, but not when it's basically playing into the stereotypes of all black people. I mean, do Ice Cube, Martin Lawrence, and Eddie Murphy really get excited when Steve calls them? "Steve Carr?! Let's do some cliche black people stuff!" One can only hope that "Paul Blart 2: You Saw the First, Why Not Second?" never sees the light of day. Or God help us all.
Urban Dictionary Def.: Steve Carr- to be deeply unfunny.

4. Brett Ratner
Failures: Rush Hour 2+3, X-Men 3: Last Stand, The Family Man, After the Sunset
Redemption? Rush Hour (it was OK) and Red Dragon (also just OK)
Franchiser: Brett Ratner is unlike the rest of this list, in that he only does remakes and sequels. And boy, those are both things people love, right? Ratner has been especially singled out for X-Men 3, since X-Men 2 was actually pretty good but then Ratner dumped on the hopes of fans that thought X-Men could be a good franchise. He is also one of those guys that makes bad movies then criticizes critics for not liking them. Well, here's a hint Brett: nobody liked ANY of the movies in the "Failures" section. Absolutely nobody. This guy is a dick. He has openly criticized Paul Thomas Anderson, who could make a better film if he turned into a crack addict, for wanting final cut for his films. Plus, people think the 3rd of any movie are going to suck basically because of this guy. Rush Hour 3 and X-Men 3 are two of the most hideous "paycheck whore" movies in a long while. Also, when you have it in your contract that your trailers must begin with "A Brett Ratner film..." then you are a prick. Because you are Brett Ratner, not Martin Scorsese or The Coen Brothers. You made the Rush Hour movies. You suck worse than Jackie Chan's English.
Urban Dictionary Def.: Brett Ratner- singlehandedly destroyed the X-Men franchise, scrapping all of the character development and careful storytelling of the previous two.
Here's the douche on "Entourage":


3. Brian Robbins
Failures: Meet Dave, Norbit, The Shaggy Dog, Good Burger, Ready to Rumble, The Perfect Score. Do people like Varsity Blues? I'm putting it here anyway.
Redemption? Hardball was pretty good. Except, why'd G-Baby have to die? HE WAS SO YOUNG!!!
Can I Take Your Order? Only getting better in age, Robbins has been nominated for "Worst Movie" at the Razzies the last two years. (I'm sure his next film, A Thousand Words with Eddie Murphy, will give him a third) It says a lot about an industry that will continually hire a man who is so obviously bad at his job. It'd be like hiring me to be an Alcoholics Anonymous speaker. You may as well take the people to a bar. When your claim to fame is a Keanu Reeves vehicle, you are not doing well at your job. It's like being head of Student Activities Committee for a High School in Los Angeles and hiring George Bush to head an assembly. You sure that's a good idea? Maybe he should learn a few of the lines from Good Burger and get a job more suited to his talents.
Urban Dictionary Def.: (no matches, but these came up): Male genitalia, moron, idiot, asshole, a drunk.

2. Uwe Boll
Failures: Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne I+II, House of the Dead, his life. His highest rated movie on IMDb has a 3.8. Out of ten movies. Death be upon him.
Redemption? Ha. His only redemption is not being #1 on this list.
Ewww Uwe: I don't like bring up past memories but Uwe Boll must be a Neo-Nazi. I mean, most Germans are generations removed from WWII, yet Uwe Boll, a personification of evil, turns up and makes movies that make people want to commit murder. People that have seen Uwe Boll movies often experience nausea, dizziness, loss of sex drive, suicidal tendencies, and death. Anyone that has seen more than one of Uwe Boll's movie should considered mentally retarded and have a fear of anything that is good and decent in this world. If movies were a religion, he'd be Satan's right-hand man. He has 9 movies scheduled to come out in the next 2 years, including one called "Darfur." I, MICHAEL DOLAN, am offended by that and I rarely concern myself with the world's problems. Some nights, I cry about having saw "Alone in the Dark." In a just world, Uwe would be number one on this list. In a just world, Uwe Boll would be on the front line for the Germans during WWII.
Urban Dictionary Def.: Often referred to as a modern day Ed Wood but this is inaccurate. Boll's films are driven by cynical exploitation of German tax law that allows a movie to make money even when it fails at the box office. He is better thought of as Max of The Producers, who intentionally makes a flop to profit of it.

1. Jason Freidberg and Adam Seltzer
Failures: Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, Date Movie, Epic Movie
Redemption? Only in death shall these two be redeemed. Even then, they are probably going to hell.
Suck Movie: When you continually make movies mocking other genre's, you may have a problem. I mean, Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz mock genres but they do it in a way that isn't retarded. These guys are to movies what Hitler was to evil. I saw Epic Movie (when I say saw, I mean my girlfriend just broke up with me and I was too drunk to change the channel when it was on) and I can honestly say, I have never, ever seen a film that made me want to give up pot before. But then, I saw this. Obviously, these guys are so high they just pound their hands against the keyboard and scream "DONE!" like a sex addict who purposely sticks in the wrong hole while going "doggy style", claims it was accident, then finishes all over her/his back, laughs, then licks his juice all up, then spits it all in your face, then yells "I've got HIV!" as he runs out of the room. If I ever met these motherfuckers, I'd slap them, ask for their moms phone number, then call their mom and yell into the phone "YOU'VE FAILED! WHY WOULD YOU RAISE THE SPAWN OF SATAN?!?!" Ok, I think I've gotten my point across.
Urban Dictionary Def.: Disaster Movie- to be raped by a rotting corpse, an object so reviled that even its name inspires fear and loathing into all who have ever heard of or seen it; quite possible the worst thing ever to have shed light upon this earth; a film so bad words can't even describe how bad it really is.

There you have, ladies and gentlemen. Another solid blog, if I do say so myself. And I do say so. Hope you enjoyed or hated, either of the two most extreme emotions, this here entry into the blogosphere. I do anticipate that it will inspire fear and violence but I think people need to know who is ruining the glorious world of cinema with their cheap trash. But I digress into a state of apathy, as I must go and watch the Cubs game. Because they inspire in me the opposite of the previous six men. So, as I leave you, I leave you with a message of love and tenderness from here in my very own living room. Stay safe, people. And as always, PLEASE wear a rubber. Nobody, especially me, wants your disgusting diseases.