It's baaaaaack! Welcome one and all to the monthly staple here at the blog known only as "The Mailbag." It's simple enough. People ask questions (by people, I mean I) and I answer them, in all my drunken glory. There seems to be no better time than the present to break into the mailbag at FULL FORCE. So read on, unless your from Boston. Because if that's the case, you can SUCK IT.
Q: Your signature after every post is signed as "Michael F. Dolan." What does the F stand for in your name?
--Too Scared to Leave His Name, Fraidycatville, USA.
A: I will get to your question in a second sir. I'm not sure who wrote this, but I have a few ideas. It used to stand for Francis but I got it legally changed to "FuckYouKevinDolan." And if it wasn't Kevin Dolan who asked this question in the comments, just substitute your name in there, let me know, and I'll head down to the courthouse tomorrow.
Q: Yeah, you mentioned that you talk about masturbation more on this blog than sex. How long has it been since you've actually had sex? I bet it's a while. And embarrassing.
--P. Russo, Lincoln Park, IL
A: We got a bunch of comedian readers, apparently. Haven't I been over this? I haven't had sex since January 10, 2009. And you know what? I'd have sex with a 4 right now. And come on. Nobody reading this wants to picture me having sex except for me. And I barely want to imagine it.
Q: With all this hubabaloo about swine flu going around, what precautions can I take to, a) not get it and b) if I do, how do I spread it to Rajon Rondo?
--B. Miller, Chicago, IL
A: Well, here are some of the precautions you can take: do not eat bacon, sausage, or pork. Stay away from people that were just in Mexico. Don't have sex with Latina women (I know, a rough sacrifice). Don't go within 20 feet of Mexicans. Don't eat Mexican food. Cut your own lawn. Don't go to Miami. And as for spreading it to Rajon, sneeze on his watermelon then cough on all his black eyed peas. Except for will.i.am. He's a rad dude.
Q: All these blockbusters coming out this summer and most of them will probably suck. What are some of the sure things I can actually not feel bad about spending money on and some other smaller movies coming that are going to wow me?
--M. Al-Jazeer, Tikrit, Iraq.
A: The following "blockbusters" are guaranteed to be good: Star Trek, Pixar's new movie Up, and Inglorious Basterds. The rest will, more than likely, suck a big weinerschnitzel.
The following smaller studio and indie movies, are on my radar as solid choices over the blockbusters: Dead Snow (Nazi Zombie movie), (500) Days of Summer, Taking Woodstock, The Hurt Locker, Away We Go, The Brothers Bloom, The Hangover, Moon, Drag Me to Hell, and Whatever Works. If I had to pick one or two I'd say at least watch the trailers for (500) Days of Summer and Moon. Days of Summer looks irresistibly charming, two words put together you may never hear on the blog again. Here are a few of the trailers. But if you see "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past," "Dance Flick," "The Proposal, or "The Ugly Truth", well, we got problems.
Q: I'm 22. Say I go on a first date with a girl that's 20, out to dinner or something. Is it ok to order an alcoholic drink or would that make me seem like too much of a lush? Also, this girl is ridiculously hot. What are some steps to ensure I get at least some thunder down under?
--L. Lohan, Hollywood, CA.
A: Obviously, it depends on what type of girl your going out with. But if she's 20 and your a bit older, I don't think it'll really matter if you order an alcoholic drink. If you really want to be safe about it, I'd just order a glass of wine. But who knows, you might order a martini and she might think your either sophisticated or a drunk. Order what you want. If she doesn't like it, then a reader of my blog shouldn't be going out with her.
To ensure action I would advise three easy steps that might help you: 1) bring a single rose when you go to pick her up. You might have already made a good impression at the bar or wherever you met, but no matter how corny or stupid it seems, it'll give a good first impression and ease some of the tension of the "first date." 2) When she asks what you do, tell her the truth but always say you've got bigger dreams than just being an ordinary _______. But mostly, just really really pay attention and look into her eyes whenever she's talking. Girl's love to talk and they love attention. Even cavemen knew that. 3) Obviously, when your dropping her off, tell her you had a great time (try to tell her a little more creatively though). The key, though, is to tell her she's pretty indirectly. Depending on how she reacts to that, you'll know if you've got an in or not.
I've only been on like two first dates in my life though. And one was at a bar.
Q: With the recent popularity of the "I'm on a Boat" song/video, where would you rank it in terms of the SNL/Lonely Island song parodies? Also, who's the funniest current SNL member besides Andy Samberg? Is there anyone even close?
-P. Seymour Hoffman, McDonalds.
A: In this order: 1) Lazy Sunday, 2) I'm on a Boat, 3) Jizz in My Pants, 4) Natalie's Rap, 5) Iran So Far, 6) Like a Boss, 7) Dick in a Box. Don't argue with me, you know I'm right. As for the 2nd in command to Andy Samberg's comedic brilliance, it's gotta be Bill Hader. Have you seen his "I Drink Your Milkshake" parody? It's probably the funniest skit I've seen in a while. Or his "Sports Talk Show" with the rock. Or his "Wiii Guys" with Alec Baldwin and Andy Samberg. Some funny shit going on there. Check it, yo.
Q: What's more embarrassing: one of your parents catching you masturbating or walking in on one of your grandparents having sex?
--T. Romo, Dallas, TX
A: Jesus. It's most obviously walking in on your grandparents having sex. It would be embarrassing for your parents to walk in on you pleasing yourself to a picture of Miley, but your the one that's going to have to carry the vision of your grandparents doing the nasty (in every sense of the word). I don't blame old people for having sex. I just hope they use discretion. For the sake of humanities sanity, use discretion .
Q: I want to have sex with my half-sister. We're not blood related and she's super hot. Problem is, she's always calling me "brother" and pretending like we're family. How do I get her to realize that, hey, we should really be having sex since we're both hot, single, and living in the same house?
--A. Davis, Oakland, CA
A: This blog is about alcohol. What the hell do you think I'm gonna tell you to do? Get your drunk and flatter the living shit out of her. Then casually mention "you know, we're not even related...." If she calls you brother during sex though, I can't condone continuing that endeavor. Unless that turns you on, then.....ugh....whatever. Too many sex questions this month. Can we switch it up maybe?
Q: Can you name every mixed drink you've ever had? BTW, I'll know if your lying to make it seem like you aren't an alcoholic.
--J. Christ, Amsterdam, Holland.
A: Now here's a question! List: Rum, 151, Everclear, Whiskey & Coke, Vodka, Gin, Tequila & Tonic, Lemonade, Pineapple, Cranberry, Grapefruit, Gatorade, Sprite, Coke, Mountain Dew & Vodka, Whiskey & Amaretto Sours, Crazy Monkey, Margaritas, Daiquiris, Jungle Juice, Zombies, Long Islands, Singapore Sling, Manhattans, White Russian, Banana Mama, 7 & 7, Irish Coffee, Tequila Sunrise, Mint Julep, Mimosa, Mai Tai, Vesper, Rob Roy, Martini, and the most disgusting thing to ever the atmosphere, a Sazerac. (I don't know what's sadder: this list or how it took me barely any time to remember it.)
Q: Can you predict the title of the next five Matthew McCougnaghy romantic comedies? Is he really that hot that girls will see his rom-com's no matter what? I mean, guys are looked at as more sexist and objectifying all the time. Well, noone say "The Spirit" and that had Eva Mendes and Scarlett Johansson walking around half naked the entire movie. So who's more objectifying? Men or women?
--Z. Efron, Tweener, CA.
A: "Craig's List." "Across the Pond." "I Don't Believe in Love but I Meet a Girl and Fall in Love." "Surfin' for Julie." "Paycheck Whore."
As for your second question, there no doubt women are just as shallow and sexist as men are. No one saw "The Spirit" because it looked like ass and you can see Scarlett and Eva half naked (or naked, in Eva's case) on the internet for free. Women like to pretend they don't use the internet for porn. They LIE !!!! That's why they see Matthew McConaughey movies. To give us the illusion that they don't look at porn or masturbate. Well, it's all lies. They might not do it nearly as much as men, but they do it. ADMIT IT, IT'S HOT WHEN YOU ADMIT IT!!!!
Q: I hate you. You are a vile human being, with nothing more than a vulgar mouth and a sarcastic wit. You encourage binge drinking and pretty much every sin imaginable. You make Perez Hilton look like a respectable human being. Satan lives in you and around you. I wouldn't be surprised if your parents were Charles Manson and Adriana Huffington. The things that come out of your keyboard are baffling, outrageous, and offensive to even the most disturbing of minds. So my question is this. Where do you get your weed?
--T. Fey, New York, NY.
A: E-Mail me. I'll hook you up.
Q: My girlfriend is an alcoholic. I like drinking as much as the next guy but she takes it to a disturbing level. She's wasted more than twice a week and I'm worried about her. Worried in the sense that she's passing out too early to have sex. I'm getting horny. Help me, oh boozer of Narnia, for you are my only hope.
--J. Kimmel, Burbank, CA.
A: Can I have her number? But seriously, if she's passing out too early have more day sex. Besides, day and morning sex is arguably the best sex there is. It's better than coffee for a pick me up and your in a good mood even it's Monday and you gotta go to work for 11 hours. And if that doesn't work, there's always prostitutes and the internet. Or you can break up with her so I can ask her out. Because she kind of sounds like me.
Q: What TV show of the your lifetime has incorporated the best music into their program? Not just the music, but when and how's it used. You can give me your Top 3 if you really want. BTW, if you ever make fun of me on your blog, I'm coming for you. And it'll be about as pretty as Linda Cohn naked.
--NeYo, Watts, CA.
A: Fuck you NeYo, you talentless dance boy. You know who else dances well? Ballerinas. Anyways, the TV program that uses music the best is definitely Scrubs. They come up with great songs to fit the mood and get creative by fitting music into different scenes. If I had to pick two other TV shows that use music well, I'd say Friday Night Lights and Lost. Lost would be nothing without the great mood-setting tone the music brings to the show. And Friday Night Lights? Well, the into for that show alone is enough for me to pick it. Great stuff.
Q: I suck now. Since I suck, how good a chance do the Cubs have at winning the World Series or even making the playoffs? BTW, I'm sorry. My play is horrible, I can't help it. I'm probably hurt again.
--R. Harden, M.Bradley, R. Dempster, K.Gregg, D. Lee, G. Soto, A. Heilman, M. Fontenot, A. Miles, N. Cotts, D. Patton, R. Johnson, J. Gathright, C. Marmol, Wrigleyville, IL.
A: You do all, indeed, suck a big one so far this year. If half of you continue to play like you are now, you don't even have a chance of winning the weak ass NL Central. And that's pathetic. The team made some bad moves this offseason and now you stink. It could be a long, drunk summer at Wrigley if things keep up this way.
Q: You don't talk to much about music. That's a shame because music is a pretty good thing. If you had to pick one musician to sleep with a girl you were dating, who would it be and why? And would you watch/tape?
--J. Bauer, Washington DC
A: If I was dating a girl and I had to answer this question, I'd say Katy Perry (you never said it couldn't be a girl). And yes, I'd watch, tape, and brag about it until my life ended. "Grandkids, my ex-girlfriend once hooked up with a ultra-hot famous pop star and I have it right here, on this tape. Play your cards right and it could be yours in my will."
Q: Would you have sex in a church bathrom, during mass, even when there are speakers in the bathroom broadcasting the mass?
--The Muthafuckin' Pope, Vatican City.
A: (shamefully nods yes) But I wouldn't use a condom. That's a sin and I don't want God too pissed at me, especially when I take over for him.
Another mailbag, another success IMO. This one took a little while to write so I hope you enjoyed it. I'll leave this short since you've probably had enough of me by now anyway. So have a great weekend and enjoy being swine flu-free.
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