Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Bad Boys 2

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dogs and cats, welcome to another great edition of the blog. Today, I continue my Drunk Real-Time Michael Bay series. This time we'll be watching Bad Boys 2. I really need to thank Mikey Bay for making his two worst movies in a row. Also, why are his movies sooooo long? I don't know. Let's get drunk and watch Bad Boys II, shall we?

00:00:00: Today I will be drinking vodka tonics during my reviewing. Why the change? I heard about a scurvy outbreak and I hear tonic prevents you from getting that. Hooray.

00:00:33: We begin in an ecstasy lab in Amsterdam. So far...sooooooooo good.

00:02:04: Dropping coffins full of heroin in the water.

00:03:05: Sean "P Diddy" Combs as a Music Consultant. That's how you know a movie's gonna be good.

00:05:45: Nothing like a KKK rally to introduce your two main black characters.

00:08:39: Wow, what a bad 3 minute action sequence that was there basically for Martin and Will to hear themselves talk.

00:10:18: Marty got shot in the ass. Now he knows how I feel.

00:11:29: Bad guy meeting. By bad, I mean bad actors, bad characters, and BAD BOYS!

00:13:18: Montage of Will and Martin in various therapy sessions. Wait, am I watching the right movie?

00:15:22: Michael from Lost playing a Jamaican? At least he's not screaming about his kid.

00:17:59: Will wants to bang Marty's sister. Whoa wait. They already are banging. Good for those kiddies.

00:22:33: MGD logo all over the place. No shameless promotion or anything.

00:24:24: Quick cuts of money going through a machine. Oh, Russians. If they were smart, they'd deal in euro's.

00:25:34: Rastafarian gang. Now we're getting somewhere. (Jamaica?)

00:27:11: "Muscle car...3 black occupants." Criminals?

00:28:38: Martin Lawrence wearing a Vick jersey. Wonder if he's in on the dog thing.

00:30:00: Just a whole bunch of black guys driving and shooting at each other. Points for realism.

00:32:03: What's all the Rasta violence, mon? I thought you be peaceful!

00:33:39: Ever wonder what happens to the innocent people that get in accidents because of car chases? Seems unfair, that's really gonna hurt their insurance premiums.

00:35:11: Cars are getting thrown at Will and Martin in a Ferrari. I mean.....that's cool I guess.

00:38:18: Martin is telling his mom on his sister/girl Will's banging.

00:40:39: 22 cars and a boat totaled. But that's not grounds for firing, suspension, or even a slap on the wrist. Or butt, for that matter.

00:44:09: Villain has rats eating his money. Reasonable response? Shooting at them.

00:46:30: Talking about Will's mom's titties. You know a movies bad when you lose my attention when you're talking about boobs.

00:47:54: Dancing and breaking stuff. No joke.

00:48:58: Some actor playing a Rastafarian who is speaking with a Korean or Thai accent. Always get those confused.

00:52:15: Martin apologizing to some guy who was just shooting at him. Must be a black thing.

00:$4:34: Porn on at Circuit City. Maybe if they really did that, people would actually go there instead of Best Buy.

00:57:00: Not sure, but I think I just listened to a 2 minute conversation about Matin Lawrence not being able to get a boner. Hopefully, I'm hallucinatiing.

00:58:02: NBA "legend" John Sally is a computer analyst in this movie. Commence killing self in 3, 2, 1.....

01:00:01: Martin and Will as scary exterminators. Not as scary as real exterminators, but still. A little scary.

01:04:32: Cuban killed the Russians friend. PORQUE?!?

01:06:59: Will found a finger. Severed, but probably still useful.

01:16:58: Disk skipped a little but no worries. There's still over an hour of drunk torture porn left.

01:19:10: Martin finds out Will's banging his sister. Martin looks like Kyle Orton while he's scrambling.

01:22:20: Will, Martin, and a hick spying on dirty Cuban villains. Michael Bay cameo. Dan Marino cameo. So irrelevant, it's like the Cubs season.

01:24:45: Another chase, another cut every 2 seconds. Dizzy Mike Dolan, reporting live.

01:25:38: Disc is skipping again. Which makes me sad, because I really wanted to see the 5th chase scene.

01:28:23: Now there's a chase on foot. I feel like we're digressing.

01:28:42: Pepsi truck rolls by. At least be subtle or creative about your obvious promoting. It's like "Hey, look at me, I'm a Pepsi truck!"

01:29:46: Will and some Cuban fighting on a monorail. Yes, cinema's first monorail fight. Groundbreaking.

01:31:13: They were dead before we ran over them. I bet police chiefs LOVE hearing that line. I, on the other hand, do not.

01:32:56: Marty and Will forgot they left the hick in the trunk. Seems humane.

01:33:36: Marty breaks up with Will.

01:34:54: Will's looking at yearbook photos. Seems normal for an action movie.

01:36:19: Will and Marty are berating a 15-year old trying to take out Marty's daughter. This isn't funny. This is highly disturbing and totally mean as fuck. But they laguh after.

01:38:22: Cubans breaking into some place to steal some thing. Importance of it is debatable.

01:40:02: Will and Marty in a mortuary. I must have missed the transition to retarded town.

01:41:15: Nothing hotter than a dead chick's big titties. Except everything and it's sister.

01:43:02: Will finds drugs in a bad guys chest. Marty accidently takes 2 tabs of X. Ever seen a black guy on X? Trust me, you don't want to.

01:45:30: When Will Smith tells you to crash an ambulance into the mortuary, you crash that ambulance into a mortuary.

01:46:08: The X is kickin' in for Marty and hear we go with epic matchup with retardedness. Batting: Marty Lawrence. Pitching: Ecstacy.

01:46:39: This isn't not gay shit, it's man shit. Strike 1.

01:48:11: Feeling Buddha's boobs. Strike 2.

01:49:48: I love it when you call me bunny love. Strike 3. Swinging.

01:50:40: Marty's got an erection. That's just peaches and cream, ain't it?

01:53:04: Russian is drunk and about to exact revenge. He introduces himself as the Russian Grim Reaper. Hello, idea for a sitcom.

01:55:34: Cuts and music cuts and music cuts and music. I have no idea what's happening because all there is is cuts and music cuts and music.

01:56:47: Swat guy with epic facial hair. I mean, more epic than a lumberjack.

01:57:22: Shit just got real. Actually, shit has always been real. It's been coming out of our butts since the beginning of time.

01:58:39: A little hearty-to-hearty with Will and Marty. Since Marty's sister was just kidnapped, you have to end the convo with "Bad Boys for Life." Hey! I love dialogue with the movie's title in it!

02:00:25: Secret plan to do some illegal rescue mission that seemingly EVERYONE is ok with. Well....I'm not. Sorry Marty, you're sister isn't worth free Cuban cigars.

02:02:25: Motherfucker villain has a badass mansion. One of the 3 in Cuba.

02:03:41: Cuban doesn't like the Last Supper painting on his wall. I don't either. I always thought Jesus was a bit pretentious.

02:05:01: Cuban hookers are hotter than real hookers.

02:06:08: Epic facial hair is about to CAP some communists.

02:07:10: Bomb disgusisd in a remote control car, RPG the house via facial hair, and jumping out of coffins with machine guns. Welcome to my nightmare.

02:08:13: Old lady with a shotgun. Imagine what your grandma would look like with one, then multiply the stupidity by 30.

02:09:44: So much death and guns, I feel like I'm in a Eli Roth movie.

02:10:40: Marty's sister is rescued but now the hard part. They have to resort to Plan B. Is this really the time to be talking about birth control?

02:12:26: Cubans can't shoot RPG's very good. They do, however, make decent ethnic food.

02:13:40: Car chase numero 28. Color me exploded with surprise.

02:14:21: We have moved on to Plan C, which looks like it's either anal or blowing your load too early.

02:15:38: Marty and Will about to crash into Guantanamo Bay. Me thinks this could be lamer than Daddy Day Care.

02:17:21: Now they're standing on a live mine field. Which is used for some moronic death scene, which hopefully will end the movie.

02:18:31: Lessons in going over-the-top: Main Villains body blowing up AFTER he's dead.

02:19:19: I generally don't like rap, but Nelly is a solid negro.

02:20:00: End of movie with Will and Marty talking in a pool. Presumably, it's filled with their bullshit.

Another episode in near-death experience. With only three Michael Bay movies left, I can't wait for this segment to end and be gone forever. But I do it for you, the readers who continually get the view count up 3 or 4 points a day. I salute you, sirs and madams. Until next time, which will probably be the mailbag, I bid you adieu and adios.