So there's this thing...it's the mailbag. I'm doing it. I'm writing it. Let's get to it. Also, if you name a movie "Love Happens" you are retarded. Or "Dear John" for that matter. Women realize that if they stop seeing these awful movies that eventually they will make them better? Ugh it's hopeless, here's this months edition of me talking to myself. (Except for the first question. That's actually real.
Q: In your opinion, do you think it would be appropriate if I were to discuss my boyfriend's penis size with my best friends? What if we were to go as far as making up a common nickname for him regarding his penis size?
--S. Lejman, BloNo, IL.
A: Well, I think it's perfectly fine to make up a name for your friend's boyfriend's penis. As long as it's somewhat subtle, I think it's fair play. I mean, if you heard it from your friend, it's her fault really. I don't know why Jillie--ehem, girls would get so upset about that...unless the nickname is geared towards the proverbial lack of lead in one's pencil.
Q: Why is soccer so popular in every other country everywhere but here, in the United States, soccer is almost hated?
--S. Seagal's Short Reality TV Career, Los Angeles, CA.
A: I've already answered this question a billion times, so maybe you should pay attention. Perhaps then someone would watch your show. But soccer isn't popular here because everywhere else, it's really the only sport they play. Here, we got a plethora of athletic competitions. Just no room for it, is all.
Q: What's would be the weirdest mix of two races having a baby? Not weird like racist, but weird in like...looking. OK, maybe it's racist. But who cares, it's black history month, right?!
--L. Neason and H. Ford's Wanting of their Daughter Back, Worldwide.
A: Of course, I frown upon racism, as it is cheap humor, but also terribly childish (also: funny). I'm pretty sure the weirdest mix of two people having a baby would be some fat chick from Texas and a male, skinny Iroquois tribal leader. Hell yeah. Cowboys and Indians.
Q: What would it be like if "District 9" happened for real in Chicago? Would you drink with the aliens?
--L. Smith's Challenging This Question, Chicago, IL
A: I mean, who can blame aliens for landing in Chicago? It's a better city than say...Minneapolis or Detroit or Indianapolis. Plus, we got the vibrant nightlife that aliens crave. My guess is they would just be shoved aside into Cabrini Green or something (might class it up) but sure...why wouldn't I have a drink with an alien? Welcome to Earth! (punches alien like Will Smith in Independence Day)
Q: What would be the last race of people on Earth that you'd sleep with? Might as well be racist...it's black history month!
--T. Swift's Lack of Virginity/Talent, Hollywood, CA
A: Well, that's a silly question. But I mean...I'll answer it. There are probably some exceptions for every race but I don't see too much redeeming about New Zealanders. Damn Kiwis. Think cause you had Lord of the Rings, you can just get fat and not have to do anything? IT DON'T WORK LIKE THAT!
Q: What's the difference between business drunk and college drunk?
--R. Kelly's Love of Urinating on Underage Girls, Private Basement, ???
A: College drunk is a sloppy, less sophisticated drunk that is aimed at drinking as much as possible and achieving sexual intercourse from a mate. Business drunk is a subtler, "don't admit it"-drunk, with the aura of sophistication, even if you feel like barfing from all those rounds of scotch.
Q: What would you do for a Klondike bar?
--P. Manning's Flopping Ability, Indianapolis, IN.
A: Your mom. (Who says comedy is dead?)
Q: What state do you think would be the most lenient about drinking and driving? The strictest? How about public sex?
--J. Leno's Unwavering Sadness, New York, NY.
A: As for DUI'n, I think the most lenient state would be something like a small town in Arkansas or Alabama where everyone knows each other. As for the strictest, well, welcome to Illinois. Illinois has the strictest driving laws in the nation. Funny, because you sure don't teach you how to drive very well. Public sex should never be frowned upon. Unless it's like on a dance floor or something. But that shit's gross.
Q: Do you think each continent has a liquor that defines it? If so, please list them because I hate you and want you to write more.
--J. Locke's Ability to Do What You Can't, ????
A: OK, I think I'll take a stab at this.
North America- Light Beer (we suck)
Europe- Wine (preferably red)
Australia- Foster's
Antarctica- Everclear
South America- Rum
Africa- (Data not available due to lack of resources)
Asia- SAKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
(Stereotypes not included)
Q: With the final season of LOST coming up, what do you think the most disappointing ending to the series would be? The best?
--D. Brees' Huddle Screaming, Jasper, North Carolina.
A: I think the most disappointing ending would it being all someone's dream/nightmare. That way is such a cop out for any TV show/movie/play. The best way to end it would be for them to show how Desmond conquered the world through pure sexiness and made Penny his Queen of All that Lives. Also, nudity.
Q: When it comes to jerking off, how much is too much? How about for girls?
--H. Klum's Love of Scarred Faces, Oklahoma City, CA.
A: I say it depends on how much you're having sex. If you are having sex regularly (3-4 times a week or more), then taking care of business should probably only be done 3-4 times. I have a simple ratio for men. You start with the number 8. Subtract the amount of times you had sex from 8 and that's how many times you should really be masturbating a week. For girls, the number is 4. Simply because you hold sex in a higher esteem and don't masturbate as much. It's really a solid formula trust me.
Q: What's the key to a perfect Super Bowl party? And since it's a little classier than, say, a kegger, how drunk is too drunk for a party like this?
--D. Trump's Silly Hairline, New York , NY.
A: It depends who's there, but I say there's no such thing as too drunk for a Super Bowl party. All you need for a perfect Super Bowl party are the following: large TV, beer, pizza and snacks, and lack of women who are loud and don't know what's going on.
Q: Let's say you need a beer. You're going down to Wrigley Field a few hours early. What are the best bars around Wrigley Field that are good to pregame the game at?
S.Sosa's Whiteness, San Jose, CA.
A: I have not immersed myself in the Wrigley seen too often but the prices/lines are too large right across the street at Murphy's, etc. I'd say go to Lucky's Sandwhich place, get a great meal and cheap beer before you have to go pay a mortgage for a beer in the stadium.
Q: Why do you hate British people so much? They have good beer, culture, and one of the most diverse, vibrant cities on Earth. WHERE'S THE BEEF?!
--L. Kiffin's A-Plus in Being a Douche, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Again, why must I explain things that have already been answered? British people have good beer, culture and a very great city. And I don't hate British people, I hate Britain. The simple answer is this: Israel, India, Iraq, Ireland, and especially Ireland (among many, many others) have gone through a bunch of unnecessary hardships in the last 100 years because of the UK. Some might argue that America is doing the very same thing and I say then to that: hate me then, other people. I don't care. Maybe America deserves to be hated. Like I do with Britain, hate America, don't hate the American.
Q: What's the protocol for Valentine's Day if you have a girlfriend? We've been dating for about a year and I've asked her but she says I don't have to get her anything. Obviously, I'm not that stupid. Help?
--J. Bourne's Lack of Memory, Prague, Czech Rep.
A: Valentine's Day is an unfortunate holiday for men. Obviously, you need to get her something. Since you've been dating a year, I'd say it should be pretty good. Jewelry and a nice dinner out should do the trick. Clothes are always a hideous idea (You don't know my size? Don't you know I hate this color? Do you think I'm a slut?), jewelry always good.
Q: I have a question about boobs. Most guys find them better natural. But is there anything wrong with fake boobs? They're still big and they're still in your face, plastic or not.
--H. Montag's Failure At Every Single Thing Besides Fame Whoring, The Hills, CA.
A: Personally, fake boobs are a turn-off because they signal how insecure someone is with their body. Then again, they are bigger....so I mean, there's nothing wrong with them. It just shows a lack of confidence really. I mean, they are pretty big. (dazeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees off)
Q: What's your take on rub and tugs? Are they considered cheating? I mean it's basically just a massage...for your penis.
--H. Grant's Slack-Jawed Sweetness, London, UK
A: Obviously rub and tugs are cheating. Is your girlfriend getting fingered by a masseuse cheating? Hell yeah, so how's it any difference. You see, the key to rub and tugs is that they are always run in sketchy Asian massage parlors. So it's pretty easy to get away with. But yeah...it's cheating.
Q: What kind of car is best to have sex in?
--A. Greenspan's Declining Budget, Washington D.C.
A: Anything with hydraulics.
Q: If you were at a concert and lead singer couldn't make it on stage for a song...and they asked you to sing for him, would you do it? And would what be the band/song you'd most wanna do that for?
--T. Swift's Limited Vocal Range, Deep in the Heart of Texas (Included Twice to Get Point Across)
A: You might expect me to say Andrew McMahon/Jack's Mannequin but I wouldn't wanna ruin that for the people in attendance. I'd probably pick All Time Low's "Jasey Rae" because it's my favorite song by them and it doesn't require a whole lot of vocal ability.
Q: Say you're at a bar, drinking with your friends, on the prowl for some ladies, whatever. You meet a girl on the dance floor and you start making out, like sloppy drunk I'm talking. What's the time-limit on a makeout in public? And how long does it take for you start to just get bored and ask if she wants to "get out of here."?
--T. Tebow"s Virginity, Talahassee, FL.
A: I say when you makeout in public, you're already committing a "faux pas" so why put a time limit on it? Just have at it til you don't feel like it no more. Personally, it depends. For me to get bored, it doesn't take much longer than like 5-10 minutes before I'm like "Uhhh can we either take it up a notch or just stop?" But obviously, with the possibility of sex in the back of my mind, I probably wouldn't stop til a long while after that. Yes, I'm a guy and everything girls have heard about guys is true: we only think, care, and talk about one thing: sex.
Fuck you, Kase.
(I love you)
That's it for this month! I'll see you sometime this week, hopefully, with another cracking post on the intricacies of my troubles brain. Til then, das vedayna!
glimming
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