(Less Than) Perfect Super Bowl Party

Super Bowl parties are often fun. They often have fun and chips and beer. Seems perfect, right? Wrong. There are certain people who set out to ruin Super Bowl parties, whether they know it or not. That's why you need to be very careful about who you invite. Here's a heads up on people that can ruin your party if you aren't careful. 5 Super Bowl Guests that Will Ruin Your Party.



Clueless Girls
"You See, If You Mix It With Flour and Eggs, then Heat at 375 degrees, then the Men Respect Us!"
Qualities: Female, Uninterested, Not Hungry, Loud
How They Might Ruin Your Party: Girls don't know much about football, generally. Maybe it's their smaller brains that can't process the intricacies of the game, or maybe their period makes them hate things guys like. Who knows really? The point is that they're at your party and they aren't watching the game. Talking loud to their boyfriend, standing in front of the TV to show her friends pictures of her fourth-cousin's wedding, not helping eat any of the food because it's loaded with carbs or something. The point is they aren't contributing anything. Except annoyance of course! Likely brought by one of your buddies because he thinks he's got a shot at some action. Too bad the only action he'll get will be dropping her off after the 3rd Quarter.
Solution: Set up another room with all the amenities that girls enjoy: vodka, wine, shrimp cocktail, dolls, whatever. Tell them that there's a Project Runway marathon on and that Tyra Banks goes CRAZY in this one (same show, right?). They'll be glued to the TV like a 5 year old watching Thomas the Train.


Fair-Weather Fan
"Not Like You Just Won a Super Bowl this Decade...Oh Wait."
How They Might Ruin Your Party: Bandwagon fans are the worst kind of fans. I hate Cardinals fans but at least they have the guts to stick with one team. Fair-Weather fans will come in with little knowledge of the game (because if they knew the game at all, they'd know that fair-weather fans are douches). "What are you talking about man, I've been a Colts fan ever since the Bears started sucking after they made the Super Bowl three years ago!" They'll be cheering for one of the teams like it's theirs. They'll be loud and obnoxious, bragging if their team is winning. If they are wearing a jersey that they just bought, then make sure you "accidently" spill salsa on it.
Solution: Well, good ol' natured ribbing is the key. Make fun of them like they are a flip-flopping douche (read: they are) and make sure they feel bad for cheering for whoever. Make fun of them until it gets old. Then do it more. Then punch them.

Hipsters
"What game's on? I gotta go to a Child Labor protest in my jeans that were made by a 8-year old in Malaysia."
How They Might Ruin Your Party: Hipsters are so apathetic, their apathetic about their own apathy, thus making it ironic. You think they'll care about the game? Maybe if the game is Pin the PBR on the Anti-Establishment Poster. Hipsters will often come in groups, talk about stuff that makes them seem smart but is actually irrelevant, and spend half the game going outside for smoke breaks and smelling up the room. They'd probably point out to me that the last sentence was a run-on sentence. They'll likely talk about the irony of someone spending money on a party to watch people getting paid to play a game.
Solution: Tell them to mark down all the irony going on in the game on a legal pad and say that it'd be really cool for them to do. They won't do it because it's cool, but they will do it to be ironic about how it's so uncool. Hell, I don't even know what I just said.

Commercial Junkies
"Shhh! Russian Woman Need to See Commercial!"
How They Might Ruin Your Party: You know them...they don't care about the game, "I just watch it for the commercials!" That's what YouTube is for, darling. They'll tell you to hush while you're trying to dissect the game with your friends before it comes back on. They'll get all their food/beer during the game so they don't miss the commercials, which are overrated because nowadays companies try too hard. Will laugh at the 32 Peyton Manning commercials shows during the game, and maybe cry about the Hurricane Katrina Donation Fund commercial and scold people (read: me) for making distasteful jokes about it. Screw that, since Haiti is the new Katrina, we can now safely joke about Katrina.
Solution: Tell them you're DVRing the game and that they can watch it after. If that doesn't work, remember it's your house and you'll talk about which team's Pierre is more French if you damn well please.

Sober People
"Last Year, The People That Came to My Party Went On a Beer Run and Never Came Back :( "
How They Might Ruin Your Party: Sober people might not necessarily ruin your party, but they won't help. You didn't buy all that beer for nothing. ALso, sober people tend to disappear in seas of drunk people. You're Designated Driver? I've heard better excuses in statutory rape trials. Likely, they'll be checking their phone for texts, intensely watch the game, and add virtually nada to the party. Unless they're hot. Wah Wah I gotta work tomorrow and wake up early to work out. Shut up, this isn't fifth grade. Drown in some scotch or leave.
Solution: Pour whiskey in their Sprite. Or, preferably, you can make them wait in the car.

That's it, enjoy the game!