Don't Worry, It Only Seems Kinky the First Time: Sex and Alcohol

women-orgasms
women-
date rape

Everybody loves alcohol and everybody loves sex (well, at least everyone who reads this). SO why haven't I wrote about the two together? (Ed.'s Note: He has. He just can't figure out any entertaining ways to write the intro) It's important to be educated. Especially about two of the best things out there. Let's dive in and tackle the most important of all world issues at the moment: Alcohol's Effect On Sex.

Beer Goggles
HELL and YES!
The Science: Without beer, there are so many unattractive people out there. With beer, you can almost cut that in half. As alcohol is known to lower inhibitions, it takes much less to be attracted to someone while heavily under the influence. Take the above picture, for example. You think any of those girls are virgins? Sadly, probably not. Do you think the guys that had sex with them were sober or under 300 pounds? Very unlikely. We have all made our mistakes due to this unfortunate (well, sometimes fortunate I guess) phenomenon. We just have to learn from our mistakes.
Solutions: Pick your mate at the beginning of the night. Cheetahs do it and it seems to work pretty well for cheetahs.

Risk-Taking
Pictured: The Results of Risk Taking, Except Replace Carrots With Haagen Dazs
The Science: It's no science: enough alcohol and your brains turn to baby food. Especially the part the makes decisions. Things like unprotected sex, unfortunate rashes, and unplanned pregnancies. And nobody like hearing words with the "un-" prefix. Like, you have been "un-"invited to the stripper parade. Nothing "un-" is good. At least when it comes to alcohol and sex. Society often looks down on women for being too open with their sexuality. Obviously, women care about being looked down upon, thus are tighter (hehe) about who they have sex with than men. The reason there are so many guys at bars is because alcohol is one of the only things that brings that wall down (the others: money, celebrity status, and band member). So we pounce like cheetahs. What's with all the cheetah references? Because they're sexier than armadillos.
Solutions: WRAP IT UP!

Limping to the Finish
Erectile Dysfunction, Without the Crippling Embarrassment
The Science: Put in terms you laymen (hehe) can understand, alcohol inhibits the production of testosterone, which is necessary for physical arousal. Even if you can get it up, it reduces how good the male orgasm feels. Nobody really knows how many sexual conquests have been lost due to the terrible phenomenon known as "whiskey dick." Or how many men have been mocked behind their limp-dicked backs. One can only be certain of this: god damn man, if you're gonna get laid, why are you drinking so much? (Allow me to bask in my hypocrisy)
Solution: Always. Carry. Viagra.

Females Feelin' It
Thanks to Booze, This = Possible
The Science: Instead of losing testosterone, women's bodies produce more of it, the higher their intoxication. Since women have a higher percentage of body fat and there is markedly less water in their bodies, alcohol has a quicker, more awesome effect. (Ed.'s Note: This could explain why your girlfriend passes out at 9:30 PM) It takes women one-third longer to metabolize the alcohol, meaning they stay drunker for longer. So it actually is easier for women to get drunk. And hornier. (Oh, glory day!) In fact, scientist Francis Dolan points out that alcohol doesn't actually make men hornier, it's the women getting hornier that makes them hornier. So as fun as getting drunk is, it can only debilitate men and hornify women.
Solutions: Isn't it obvious? Get girls drunk.

About That Orgasm... (Sponsored By Unoriginality)
Unrelated Picture/Excuse to Show Big Boobs
The Science: Oh, so all the females are cocky now? Unfortunately (for women, that is), too much alcohol makes it much, much harder for women to orgasm. (Ed.'s Note: As If it wasn't hard enough! AmmIrite?) Not only that, but intoxication decreases the intensity of the orgasm as well. So while we men are wagging our tongues around down there acting like we know what we're doing, it's just gonna take LONGERRRRR after that third margarita. Which leads me to my next point: alcohol also has been proven to make women crave motorboating tenfold. The bigger the boobs, the more suseptible they become to a man sticking his face in and just getting all up in there. I don't know, must have something to do with the milk.
Solutions: The key is to let the boobs hit the side of your face over and over again.

That's all for now senoritas and senors. Adios, yo soy mejor!