The Great Alcohol Debate: Liquor Before Beer or Beer Before Liquor?

Long since man created the spirits that take the brain and liver out of commission, a debate has raged on: what's the optimal strategy for drinking both liquor and beer in the same evening? Which one comes first? Does it even matter? Well, drunken morons have argued for centuries as to which one actually works. I've set out to end the debate once and for all. Ladies and Gentlemen, Which Comes First: Liquor or Beer?

The Case For Liquor Before Beer
Is It Funnier Because the Kid's Asian? I Didn't Say It...
The Case For: Evidence for liquor before beer is vague but we don't source things here at the blog! Liquor is somewhat safer to drink, actually, than beer. At bars, liquor is usually watered down by using very little liquor compared to mixer. Liquor obviously gets you drunk much faster, but in terms of avoiding getting sick, it can be beneficial to start with booze over brew. Liquor, when mixed with any sort of carbonated drink, gets absorbed much, much quicker than beer. But if you drink liquor first and drink beer at the same pace, then it will actually help you sober up a little bit. Beer obviously has much less alcohol content and is absorbed much slower that liquor. As long as you stay on the same pace, you'll be less drunk than you would think at the end of a "Liquor before Beer" night. That is, of course, unless you are a 4-foot, 9-inch, Jewish epileptic girl. Then you'll just puke.
Celebrity Endorsement: Jack Bauer: Saving the World Without Pants On.



The Case for Beer Before Liquor
Dad Would Be So Proud (If That's Not His Kid, That Is. Then He'll Be...You Know...I've Said Too Much"
The Case For: Beer is a delicious drink--anyone who's had a one-night stand with a fatty would know (Ed's Note: What the Fuck are you talking about?). As said before, beer is absorbed much slower than liquor. There's no reason to trust what I say, but trust this: beer has less alcohol in it than booze right? Less alcohol means you will be less drunk by the time you start drinking liquor right? By asking questions that are vague and almost nonsensical, am I just delaying the fact that I really have nothing smart to say about this particular topic? I know you are, but what am I? You know, I always thought Matt Damon was kind of a Streisand but he really rocked the shit out of the Bourne movies. Ammmm I right or am I right or am I right? Ahhhh this is pathetic.
Celebrity Endorsement: Fozzie Bear. He makes as much sense as the rest of this, doesn't he?


The Verdict: There really is no verdict. I've made a list to explain which situations which rule applies.

Occasions for Liquor Before Beer:
-Going Out to Hit On Opposite Sex
-If You Need to Drive
-St. Patrick's Day
-Cinco De Mayo
-Norwegian Day of Independence
-When You Just Wanna Dance to Whitney Houston and Let Loose.

Occasions for Beer Before Liquor:
-21st Birthday
-Days You Crave Death
-If You're Going to a Cubs Day Game
-Cold Days
-When You Can't Afford Anything But a 6-Pack of Schlitz, a Slushy, and a Handle of Skol.
-The Day Your Girlfriend/Friend that's a Girl Finds Your Porn Stash
-The Day You Have a Ginger Male Child

There. I think I've covered most occasions. Just know this: when you're drinking to get really drunk, it really doesn't matter. Just do it.

Be responsible. Or don't, I don't know. My blog is on a list of Anti-Alcohol Websites for a reason.

Immorally Yours,
Senor Pepe