Straight Up Gangsta

Like a white boy at a Dave Matthews concert, I'm here to get you high. High off my sexy writing that is. I know you've longed for it. I know you've craved it. Sometimes when you go to bed at night, you might even dream about it. What in the name of the Gods of Whiskey am I talking about? Douchebags. As girls criticize guys for going after sluts, guys often criticize girls for going after the highest forms of douche there is. It's true and scientific. Here are the 6 Biggest One-Hit Drunkard Douches.


6. LMFAO
They're Like Black Hipsters--Apparently, Those Exist
Their One-Hit: That despicable rap song that goes "SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS."
Why They're Douchey: Well, first of all, look at them. They look that guy from House Party if he was retarded (for those of you who don't get that reference, you got Google--look it up). Their song is massively retarded. Anyone can sing that crap. ALL THEY ARE DOING IS YELLING SHOT OVER AND OVER. It's not that they're singing about alcohol or their music in general. It's everything combined. Their looks, their music, AND they were nominated for a Grammy. Proving one thing: the Grammy's are completely irrelevant.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like a girl getting sand in her va-jayj after beach sex that lasted 15 seconds.

5. Asher Roth
"I Make Good Music...For You to Poop On!"
His One HIt: His Frat-Boy Douche Anthem "I Love College"
Why He's Douchey: Must I explain? Yes, I went to college and stereotyped it to the bone. But I don't feel the need to create a song listing drinking games and taping parties and smoking weed. Do you know why I don't? Because I'm not a big ass douche. Every white male that's ever gone to college knows what's good about it, we don't need some wannabe rapper white-boy rapping a list. It's like if you took Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" and made it in to a douche bag anthem.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like a drunk frat boy screaming "NICE BEER BONG, BRO!" over and over until your ears hurt.

4. John Mayer
"Look at My Hair. I Gelled It All Morning to Make It Look Like I Didn't Gel It."
His One Hit: He's had a few but for the sake of me being able to call him a douche, let's just say he's banged half of the over 18 women in Hollywood.
Why He's Douchey: You know those liberal hippies in college that play acoustic guitar with their shirt off in the quad? John Mayer is their God. All he does is play acoustic guitar sing like he's having an orgasm. Not to mention that he's slept with Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Heidi Klum, Minka Kelly ("Friday Night Lights," "Girl at the End of (500) Days of Summer"), Jennifer Aniston, and a nurse at the free clinic that gave him free penicilin. He used the "N" word in an magazine interview and talked about his sex life with Jessy Simps. I'd keep listing stuff, but I'm not Asher Roth. (Ed's Note: That's some high-quality backshadowing there, Michael)
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: That guy that your girlfriend is friends with that you know wants to get on her but you can't say anything because everyone likes him. (There's one in every relationship.)

3. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag
"We're Not Being Treated for AIDS...YET!"
Their One Hit: I don't even remember why they're famous. Did they kill joy? That must be it.
Why They're Douchey: If I need to explain, you clearly haven't been anywhere near the internet. All they do is famewhorefamewhorefamewhorefamewhore. They whore themselves for fame. Spencer Pratt is a douchebag already but his skank of obliviousness wife Heidi is convinced that she's a musical prodigy, despite being less talented than a cum-stained doorknob. All they do is beg for attention in the press and give you reason as to WHY we should pay attention to them. Yeah, Tiger Woods is a douche but least he's compelling because he's a star athlete, ya know? I don't care about anything these two have ever done and neither does 99% of the world. Get off my life, whorebags.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Having kids that continually yell "DADDY DADDY LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME."

2. Tila Tequila
"I BEAT TILA TEQUILA! AHHH BUT NOBODY CARES SO I GOT OFF! AHHH!! I'M SHAWNE MERRIMAN OF THE SAN DIEGO CHARGERS AND I BEAT THAT WHORE FOR YOU!"
Her One Hit: That pitiful reality show on MTV "A Shot at Love." If only the shot came from a Machine Gun.
Why She's Douchey: Again, she contributed nothing and given nobody a reason to respect her. The only reason she got popular is because she set a record for MySpace friends, which in of itself sounds like the douchiest thing ever. But, not one to settle on being a fame whore, she prances around flaunting her bisexuality, as if that makes her super cool and awesome. Let's get one thing straight, Tila: you're just a slut with a cool name and a premise for a retarded reality show. You are half-Vietnamese, half- Disgusting. You're a boozing little twat. There's no reason to go on--whore's are pretty easy to explain.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like an aged Tequila that some drunk girl pours out for a fallen homie.

1. Dane Cook
"I"LL STEAL YO JOKES, YELL THEM, AND MAKE HAND GESTURES! IT'S WAY FUNNIER!"
His One Hit: That one joke he stole from [insert comedian's name here]
Why He's Douchey: Dane Cook is the epitome of the word "Douche." He steals jokes, acts like a child, and then attempts to act in movies. Everything he does is painful to watch but he is so utterly cocky and full of himself that it makes one just want to punch him in the spine until his 3rd vertebrate is crushed. If he was the Iraq War, his jokes are the land mind that kills our soldiers. Except he's not killing soldiers. He's killing comedy. As we know, at least. He's that special type of Boston douche. The one that hangs out in the bars and screams about how the Celtics are "TOO HAWDCAWWWWW!" The one that owes you $35 bucks but everytime you ask for it, he'll just say "Fuck you, bro, you'll get it." The funny thing is that Dane Cook thinks he is the funny thing. Good Luck Chuck makes me beg to differ.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like that fly you can't catch in your house and JUST WON'T LEAVE! THE WINDOW IS WIDE OPEN, JUST GO!

That's it, intro's are for lovers but conclusions are for bummers. G'night!