Valentine's Day: Your Guide to Love and Sex

Love is a hard thing to figure out. So is sex. If you're like me (Ed.'s Note: If you are...that sucks) then neither of these things has ever been easy to acquire. How can us men figure out women? How can you women figure out men? (hint: we like sports and sex) I'm created a foolproof guide to the opposite sex. Your Guide to True Love.


If You're A Man...
Pictured: A Real Man
How to Know If She Loves You:
Ask the following 10 questions to yourself.
1. Does she say "I Love You" to you?
2. Does she openly talk about stuff you are going to do in the future?
3. Does she let you watch sports/control the remote?
4. Have you met her family?
5. Does her family like you?
6. Do you buy her stuff on holidays/birthdays/anniversaries? (hint: flowers don't count)
7. Do you make her orgasm?
8. Are most of the guy friends she has gay?
9. Do you dress up/shave for your dates?
10. Does she shave her pubic region for you?

Did you say yes to:
0-2 Questions: She hates you and is cheating on you with multiple people.
3-5 Questions: She might love you, but it's more likely that you're just good in bed or convenient for her.
6-8 Questions: She loves you but it's probably fleeting. Do the kinky stuff while you can.
9-10 Questions; Congratulations! She loves you! You will now cuddle on Friday nights after seeing "Dear John" or whichever "The Notebook" re-make is out!

If You're a Woman:
Pictured: Unrealistic Expectations
How to Know He Loves You:
Ask the following 10 Questions to yourself:
1. Do you ever give him head?
2. Do you make him orgasm?
3. Do you pretend to like his super-cool friends that you find annoying?
4. Do you think cheating is wrong, no matter how drunk you are?
5. Honestly...do you give him head?
6. Do you have big boobs?
7. Are you skinny? (Seriously, though. This isn't the time for self-flattery)
8. Can you cook delicious food?
9. Do you have big boobs?
10. Do you have big boobs?

Did you say yes to:
0-3 Questions: He either loves your boobs or nothing at all.
4-6 Questions: He might love you. Pass the beer. I'm trying to watch the game.
7-8 Questions: Boobs. Hmm. But what's for dinner?
9-10 Questions: You have big boobs AND you give him head? Oh yeah. He loves you


Man or woman, if you have failed the self-test, there are still ways to FIND love on Valentine's Day. Here's what you can do to find love if you haven't yet.

If You're a Man, Looking for Love:
Ask Yourself the Following 5 Questions:
1. Do I have lots of money?
2. Is the girl you're looking for, is she that drunk girl in the corner dancing to "Sweet Child O' Mine"?
3. Does she have a tattoo on her lower back or shoulder that is kind of stupid?
4. Does she have a degree/good job?
5. Is she 18?

Did you say yes to:
0 Questions: Invest in lube.
1-2 Questions: If #5 is a yes, then you might get laid at least.
3-4 Questions: Unless #4 is a yes, you're getting some vajayjay.
5 Questions: Yup. You're gonna have to date her.

If You're a Woman, Looking for Love:
Ask Yourself the Following Questions:
1. Your boobs...are they big?
2. Are you skinny?

Did you say yes to:
0 Questions: Three letters: G-Y-M.
1-2 Questions: Go to a bar. Love = achieved.

That's the key to love, as far as I know. follow my advice and love will be in your present and future!