Drunk Past: Jesus H. Christ

I've decided to start a new segment. I love history, so I'm gonna write about it. Don't worry. It's gonna be the same ol' vulgarity that my skinny Irish fingers can conjure up. Welcome to my very new segment: Drunk Past. It's where I profile an event, person, or trend in the past that has to do with alcohol or general drunkenness. Why not start with the man that started it all? That's right: Jesus. (Ed.'s Note: This may be where he finally crosses the line)

Jesus Christ


Profile
Name: Jesus H. Christ
Profession: Son of God, Jesus' Happy-Time Carpentry Shop Owner
Special Skills: Raises Dead, Rises from Dead, Walks on Water, Turns Water into Wine, Maintains Majestic Hair in Time Period Not Known for Hair Care.
Drink of Choice: Wine. Dude's blood is wine. He's PURE wine.

Mike, Can You Please Explain Why You're Calling Jesus a Drunkard?
Sure! Jesus is the one who started many different drinking crazes. He started drinking in church. He supported and even provided the open bar at weddings. Dude handed it out at his last meal. He must have loved it if it was his last drink. Christ was a social man-how else would he convert so many-and likely would've attended many functions where the guests imbibed. Oh yeah. Jesus imbibed. Lord, Have Mercy! (Ed.'s Note: Jesus, that's a bad pun)

OK. So What's Your Point Here, Really?
My point is this: if Jesus drank, so can you. Jesus loves Happy Hour. Jesus loves you. Thus, you love happy hour. It's religious science.

How Does This Change What I Know About My Lord and Saviour?
Everything. Why do you think Jesus wants you to rest on Sundays? Because you should go to church. HA! It's because he knows you worked hard all week and are deathly hungover. Plus, this changes the following miracles performed by J-Christo:
-Raising of Lazarus from the dead: Jesus actually roofied him a few days before, thus inspiring the 2008 hit-comedy "The Hangover"
-Walking on Water: Was so drunk at a party and jumped off his friends roof into his pool. Story greatly exaggerated from then on, although it did inspire the 2000 hit-movie "Almost Famous."
-Curing the Deaf, Dumb, and Blind: Everyone knows that frequent alcohol use supports liver and sensory health. Well, only Jesus knew it then. Changed the water in the sick's blood to wine and bam, I can hear, talk, and see.
-Drove out demons from Mary Magdelene: Mary Magdelene wasn't possessed. She was just out with Jesus the night before and was crazy drunk. Jesus has got the hangover cure: Coffee with some Holy Irish Creme.
-Calming the Storm: Hey, we all get lucky. Jesus went out on the poop deck, had drank too much wine, and was all like "STOP STORMING!" And Holy Shit, it worked.

Whoa. That actually makes a ton of sense. Anything else I should know about Jesus?
Of course, you never really know someone until you wikipedia them.
-Historians confirm that Jesus Invented Beer Pong.
-Russian-American Multi-Genre Band "The Red Elvises" actually drank with Jesus, despite being born almost 2,000 years after his death.
-Jesus was actually kind of a pervert.

You are a very informative man. How do I know you're telling the truth?
I have strong religious credentials. I went to Catholic school for 12 years, went to church every Sunday until my parents got divorced and didn't make me go any more so I wouldn't choose against them in the custody hearings, was Confirmed, received the Eucharist, frequently drink the blood of Christ, memorized the entire Bible, Otrah, and Qur'an, and plan to name my premaritally conceived kids D'Jesus, Jaysuess, and Omar Sharif. Also, we will form a bowling team called the "Holy Roller Bowlers." That's how you know I'm telling the truth.

Hmm. So, Does This Mean Jesus is just Partying in Heaven?
Of course it does. He's macking on bitches and ho's, sipping on patron, and waving his hands up like he just don't care. He even parties with Jewish people. I know, shocking! But Jewish people are actually allowed into heaven, despite going on record by Jesus as being "amateur lightweights that think having a glass of sherry at dinner is a night on the town." He has also re-created the Ten Commandments, into a delightfully playful list of do's and don't.
1. I am Jesus. The Party don't Start til I walk in.
2. If your ass ain't on the dance floor, then you'll be rollin' on Satan's shore.
3. When Jesus calls dibs on the blonde, Jesus calls dibs on the blonde.
4. Girl Talk will be played all night, every night. Don't like it? There's a new club called Purgatory.
5. No Pants, No Panties, No Problem.
6. Only Jesus wears sunglasses at night.
7. The only Trojan product allowed is the Horse in Jesus' pants.
8. When Jesus gives you lemons, make him a God Damn Cocktail.
9. Jesus is too hard for MTV, not black enough for BET, so just let Him be.
10. When Jesus take the stage, it better pipe down, or else he'll make ya'll ancestors on Earth drown.

Now that you're surely going to be going to hell, got any last words on The Jesus?
Jesus was not just a man--he was a legend. You know that one night at the bar or the party and it is YOUR party? You own that party? That's Jesus--everywhere he goes. Only St. Patrick, St. Valentine's, and Martin Luther King have their own holidays--Jesus has TWO. What do people do on those days? Drank. Toke. Open gifts. Eat a shit-ton of food. Screw. Basically, everything that's awesome. So, while it may seem like I'm portraying him as a gangsta hood rat boozehound, I'm actually portraying him as THE gangsta hood rat boozehound. So chill out, sit back, and pour one out on the step for your homey Jesus. He'll be pouring out Grey Goose for you.

And remember, as Jesus always says: