It's back, it's back, IT. IS. BACK. February was both a long and short month. Long, in that it's still so cold. Short, because it's black history month and we whites wanted to make it the shortest month. But all that shall be rendered irrelevant as we move into March, which has Madness, St. Patty's Day, and so much green you might just get high or rich from being alive. Now let's move on--The March Mailbag.
Q: What is the best food that comes from a pig?
--S. Tyler, Rockville, CA.
A: Well, if you're a man, it's bacon. Or sausage. Or pork. Goddamnit, the pig is a beautiful animal. Everything but the skin is a pure dynamite sex explosion in your mouth.
Q: Where do you rate the Winter Olympics? Should we give Canada a break since there was good hockey and it's Canada?
--W. Gretzky, Toronto, ON, CA.
A: Besides the Opening Ceremonies, the luger death, and a few other "Canadian ScrewUps", the Olympics will be remembered as a success for the hockey tournament alone. It was quite a spectacle and it will be remembered as the best Olympic Hockey, in terms of quality, that anyone has ever seen. But Canada--You Still Suck. (Ed.'s Note: The Way You Eat Their Maple Syrup, I'd Say You Disagree With that Statement)
Q: You always say "Oh, I've been called worse." OK, drunk ass, what's the worst you've been called?
-Ke$ha, Blechville, USA.
A: Hmmm. I've been called the funniest person someone's ever met and the lamest person someone's ever met. As for the worst--I'd have to say it's gotta be calling "the most over-excessive person i've ever met." Who said it? My Greece study abroad chaperone and 2-time Missouri professor of the year. Yeah. That'll really bring your spirits down.
Q: There's so many food's and actions that have "French" in front of it. (i.e. French Toast, Kissing, etc.). What is the lamest country/place that has a popular distinction?
--C. O'Brien, LaughingAllTheWayToTheBankVille, CA.
A: Belgian waffles? No No. How bout Swedish Fish? The Swedish basically GAVE THEMSELVES to the Nazi's in WW2. So unless we're talking about "California Love" (read: man on man love. not that there's anything wrong with that. Just that I don't think Dr. Dre was talking about that), I think the Swedish are the most embarrassing. Unless, of course, they want to lend a few of those blondes over to the good people at the blog. (read: me. no wait. damnit, my girlfriend reads this. i mean for my friends. yeah, for them.)
Q: What is the worst sport to watch while drinking?
--T. Woods, Bellvue, NY.
A: Anything women are trying to do while running. It's really just more like "awww....look at those ladies trying so hard. So adorable, keep trying to keep up with us, girls. Ha Ha Ha!" GIrl's sports are a joke. Like if my girlfriend told me she wanted to be a pro in some sort of sports, I'd write down in my diary "Jillie made a very funny joke today! She said she wanted to be a sports star! Girls can't do that, she's so silly!" Boom. I just roasted myself.
Q: With St. Patrick's Day coming up, I'm jealous. See, I'm French and I suck. Can you give me (or make up) a day in my history worth celebrating? Might as well do it for all Western European countries with a population over 10 million.
--T. Henry, HandBallAssHouseLandofDEATH, France.
A: OK, Fine. Netherlands--4/20.
France-- Fourth of July. (After all, if it wasn't for us, you'd be celebrating Tag der Unabhängigkeit
Belgium: February 9th (Chocolate Day)
UK--Every day in October is National Oral Hygiene Month!
Germany--Who cares? Anyone that likes you is just acting.
Italy--Falling Down and Acting Like a Baby Day! DIVE IT UP!
Portugal and Spain: Iberian Peninsula Day! (Can be celebrated any day, as long as I don't have to think of any ideas for it)
Czech Republic: We're part of Western Europe?! Hooray For Us Day!
Q: What would you rather have as a pet: a monkey or a kangaroo?
--S. Irwin, Heaven.
A: Hmm. Bananas or boxing...I think a monkey would just be funnier. After all, if it gets out of line you could always spank the monkey. Who can spank a kangaroo? Central Australians. And NOBODY wants to know them.
Q: So I was having sex with this girl the other night. She was about 4'10, Jewish, brunette, and had big boobs. So I thought "Wow, this has to be a unique sexual experience for anyone." I thought of you, only because i wanted to give you a cyber high-five. I don't really have a question.
--A. Rose, Los Angeles, CA.
A: I'd high-five you back, but it doesn't seem like we have anything in common. My girlfriend is 4'9.
Q: What's protocol for getting a girl pregnant on a one-night stand? How obligated am I to do anything?
--D. Beat, Helena, MT.
A: One-Night Stands are sticky situations. However, if she's leaning towards coat hangerin' it, you probably should offer to pay for half. If she wants to keep it...the correct response is "I'm sorry, have I met you?"
Q: I'm throwing my friend a bachelor party pretty soon. I just want to know if there are any rules regarding who I should invite, booze, strippers, etc. Thanks, love the blog. I visit it 26 times a day.
--N.O Treal, Figmentationland, OR.
A: There are only a few rules to a bachelor party and I'll list them for my brother in need:
--No sex for the groom. If there is, there is no telling for FEAR OF DEATH.
--No inviting anyone from the bride's side. Unless: a) you were friends (good friends) with him before you met the girl, or b) they're paying.
--The groom shall not pay for a single thing.
--Those blonde strippers better be gorgeous.
--You shall only drink the groom's favorite alcohol all night. After all, he may not get to drink it much after he's married/has kids.
--The groom can veto all these rules and set his own.
Q: I'm a 21 year old virgin, I'm waiting until marriage to have sex with my boyfriend. Recently, I gave another guy a blowie while drunk. Am I still a virgin? Should I tell your boyfriend?
--T. Reid, HaHaHa, NM.
A: Haha. Sexually inexperienced people are funny. BUT I SHALL NOT INSULT! After all, I was you once. You did cheat on your boyfriend, so tell him that but please please please re-think your strategy. If you don't have sex until marriage, you are taking one of the worst risks of all time. Sex is an important part of the spark/chemistry that goes into a relationship and if taht part's not compatible, you will be unhappy for a long, long time.
Q: Is there any sort of protocol for an actual 5-second rule while dropping something on the floor?
--H. Ballsack, Terre Haute, IN.
A: The 5-second rule was invented for a reason. If it drops on the floor and looks delicious, you have 5 seconds to pick it up on eating. The only reasons that can cancel the rule out are these: a) you are on a date, b) the floor looks gross from the start, or c) you aren't hungry.
Q: What's "Guy Law" for bumping into someone and spilling their drink?
--W. Houston (when she was on crack), DreamWorld, NV.
A: Surely, it depends. You should buy the guy's drink back, in full, without question. Unless the following stipulations occur:
--It's a high-end liquor that you can't afford
--you're in the mood for fighting
--you are having sex with his girlfriend/mom
--he's Russian, Chinese, Vietnamese, Laotian, North Korean, or Cuban. (read simply: communist)
Q: Is there any particular place you put the boogers that you pick when your alone? Mine is under the the couch. It gets vacuumed and nobody looks down there. Win Win.
--Owl City Lead Singer's Painful Death, WhoCaresWhereAsLongAsItHappensTownship, IA.
A: That's disgusting! I would never pick my nose and put it under the rug unless I'm at my girlfriends house, in which case I'd put in a kleenex and leave it WHO KNOWS WHERE just to freak her out hahahahahaa. HA! You are gross sir.
Q: Have you heard about this new thing Chat Roulette? I hear girls go on it alot so they have an excuse to look at penises but act like they are freaked out by it to save face.
--R. Smart Guy, WashingtonDC.
A: Chat Roulette is a pretty fun concept, I guess, if it weren't for lonely guys with no shame (read: 33% of American Males). If it weren't for all the wieners, it'd be pretty fun. But even then, you still get a German techno freak or something. Is it worth the risk? It's like roulette. Why bet on it when there's such a small chance on winning. Unless you bet on black of course. Black always wins.
Q: When does it officially become rape? I feel like with many girls having called "wolf" in the past, it's easy to blur the lines.
--Weirdo, WhereverWeirdosAreFrom.
A: This is the weirdest question. Rape is rape whenever the girl feels discontent about any sort of sexual contact. If it's not rape, it's at least sexual assault and you deserve the 5-10 you'll be doing being you're cellmate's girlfriend Wanda.
Q: The Oscars are coming up. Who's gonna win Best PIcture? Should I care?
--J. Cameron, San Fransisco, CA.
A: In a perfect world (500) Days of Summer would win the Oscar. In a normal world, Avatar would win. In an genre-friendly world, Inglorious Basterds would win. But, in our world, The Hurt Locker will win because it's a good movie about our recent war that critics want to get behind. It's not a bad choice--it's just not the right one, as usual.
Q: Is there a better timewaster than Sporcle.com? I THINK NOT!
--J. Elfman, RememberThatShowDharmaAndGreg?IWasInIt!
A: There are better time wasters. They are called drinking, masturbating, and sex. Anything else would be uncivilized.
Q: Irish people suck and so do you. Why should anyone read your damn blog, you stupid potato eating Mick? Go suck on a Guinness flavored potato sandwich while Ireland gets hit the hardest by the recession. Also, I've been seeing this American girl lately. Any advice?
--AllofEngland, UK.
A: As for your need for advice about American girls: buy her something and bring condoms, since the world stereotype is slutty. If you're trying to bag and English girl, just make sure you have a paper bag to put over her head. And don't diss the potato sandwich. It's delicious.
But on a more serious not, instead of writing an entire blog about it, I just want my readers to be educated about why they get to get hammered on St. Patrick's Day every year. Well, the Irish had to (and, to an extent, still have to) suffer the consequences of British rule. Famine, persecution, and apathy towards the Irish race has led to complete ignorance, racism, and violence on both sides. See, the Irish had their own Holocaust which led to over a million deaths, deportations, and immigrations that caused the population of Ireland to decrease by more than 30%. And if you're Irish-American, just know that you might have been born in Ireland happily without British persecution. So next time you say "The Luck of the Irish," just know that the phrase was invented to be ironic--since the Irish have never had any luck.
Sorry to end the mailbag on a depressing note. But not all months are fun! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the mailbag. Have a great month, Irishites and Heathens!
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