Heroic Irony or Ironic Heroes?

I'm back to enlighten you. Normal people who have finals tommorow would be studying but not me. While your mind might think about calculus, mine's thinking about "wow, wouldn't it be funny if you locked someone high on mushrooms in a pitch black room with heavy metal music playing?" And it would be damn funny. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about today. (I've yet to find a volunteer for that experiment) Today, my mind is on TV and what's ironic about it. Well, there's nothing more ironic than the TV show Heroes on NBC. What's so ironic? The characters have powers, you see. In other acting roles, they have the exact opposite of their powers. Don't get it? You'll see. Here are The 7 Most Ironic Heroes Characters.

7. Mr. Linderman
Played By: Actor Malcolm McDowell
Super Power: Heals people/things
Role that Makes it Ironic: Well, I'm not sure if you know this but Mr. McDowell is most famous for his role in A Clockwork Orange. His role in Stanley Kubrick's disturbing 'drama' is that of a destructive, violent, rapist-murderer who's idea of fun is destruction. His role on Heroes, although evil, is made more ironic by the fact that he threatens and scares people into doing what he wants. Scientists do the opposite to him in A Clockwork Orange.
Here is his character (one of the most disturbing ever) beating the shit out of his friends for fun. F. U. N.:


6. Nikki/Jessica Sanders
Played By: Ali Larter
Super Power: Her evil split personality gives her super strength
Role that Makes it Ironic: Darcy Spears in Varsity Blues. In Varsity Blues, the lovely Ms. Larter is so weak that she needs to be fucking the starting QB (i.e. James Van der Beek) of her high school's football team. Plus, instead of having an evil genius split personality, her character is just a dumb whore. Instead of kicking the asses of the guys taking advantage of her and being evil, she seems very accomadating and, ummmmm.....delicious?

Remind me to file that under "Sexual Fantasies that Will Never Happen for Me".

5. Peter Petrelli
Played By: Milo Ventimiglia
Super Powers: The superest of heroes, Petrelli can absorb the power of anyone he meets and use it for himself
Role that Makes it Ironic: Before I get into the irony, let me explain how Petrelli is a badass and Milo's real-self is a raging vaginahead. Milo doesn't drink, smoke, is a lacto-vegetarian, was dressed up as Madonna by his sisters, was in a Fergie music video, and his name means "20 Miles" in Italian. His role in the upcoming thriller Pathology is that of a med student who reluctantly gets involved in a game of who can committ the perfect murder. Ironic because his Heroes character is a nurse who wants to save the world from evil.
Here is a trailer for the movie with an unforgettable introduction from Milo himself:


4. Gabriel "Sylar" Gray
Played By: Zachary Quinto
Super Power: Intuitive Aptitude, meaning he can see how things work by looking at them. He takes other superheroes powers by killing them and adding them to his repetoire. He is one the main villains.
Role that Makes it Ironic: Your going to love this one. Instead of being a supervillian, Quinto plays openly gay Iranian-American Sasan who tries to keep Tori Spelling in line on her former "reality show" So NoTORIous. They had to capitalize TORI just to make sure we got it. Instead of being an enemy because of his superpowers and evil ways, he is an enemy because of his sexual orientation and ethnic heritage. An openly gay Iranian living in America? That's like a Republican's worst nightmare. In fact, I think if both characters existed, they would still work more on Sasan's deportation than arresting Sylar.
Here is a YouTube clip that will most definitely pop-up into your head everytime Sylar comes on screen during Heroes:

Yes, that really is supervillian Sylar making out in a sauna with another guy. I know.

3. Elle Bishop
Played By: Kristen Bell. You may also know her as Veronica Mars.
Super Power: Besides the power to seduce any heterosexual man, Bell's character (her last name rhymes with her first: Elle and Bell. These are the things going through my mind) can generate or manipulate electricity as a weapon. In other words, she shoots lightning at people. I don't know about you, but Kristen Bell is electric without those powers. I mean, I feel like I just got shocked when I see her pictures or on screen. Especially when I think about her when.....shit, a little off topic there. Sorry.
Role that Makes it Ironic: Bell's lead role in horror-flop Pulse. Her character, instead of using electricity to kill, is being attacked by dead people through electricity. The virus is attempting to take life because the attackers want one, while Kristen's Hero alter-ego is trying to take life because she never had a normal one. It's alright, honey, sit down and you can tell Mike all about it. In another twist of irony, she's staring in the upcoming comedy "Fanboys", in which she plays a die-hard Star Wars fan and she has the same power in Heroes that the Emperor does in Star Wars. I know way too many things.
Here is a montage of Bell's Heroes character using her exceptionally hot powers. I've never wanted to get electrocuted so badly:


2. Claire Bennett
Played By: Recently turned 18-year old Hayden Panettiere. I mention this so you don't feel like a pedofile if you masturbate to her. Oh sorry, was that too much? The truth can be sexually graphic sometimes.
Super Power: She can regenerate whenever she gets hurt, no matter how serious. Imagine how rough the sex could get with her character. No limits at all. Amazing.
Role that Makes it Ironic: She played leukemia infected Lizzie Spaulding in the CBS soap opera Guiding Light. Hero Claire can't get hurt, child Lizzie can only get hurt/die. She needed someone else's bone marrow to heal, while her character in Heroes can give blood to anyone that immediately heals anyone no matter the injury. Also, in Heroes she saves people from a raging fire, in Guiding Light she needs to be saved from a fire. In real life Hayden has a boyfriend, in my dreams she is...well, I'm sure you can guess.
Here is scene in which her soap opera character learns she has leukemia and bafflingly (say that word 5 times fast) didn't win an emmy for lead actress:


1. Matt Parkman
Played By: Greg Grunberg
Super Power: Can hear/influence people's thoughts
Role that Makes it Ironic: Before he could hear what your saying, Grunberg played Sean Blumberg on Felicity for over 60 episodes. Well, what makes it so ironic? In Felicity, he can't hear thoughts and his character really doesn't even know what anyone, including himself, is thinking. Some of his get-rich quick schemes from the show are flavored pen caps, shrimp yogurt, shreme (sugar and creme), shoe covers, and cologne that smells like a guy's favorite food. The irony goes further, however, as Hero Greg can manipulate your thoughts, Felicity Greg can't get anyone to even think about supporting his ridiculous ideas. In other roles, Greg was killed on Lost's first ever episode as the pilot by a monster that apparently reads your thoughts. Also, he starred on Alias as a CIA agent who would offer up his thoughts as advice. He also starred in an unaired show "The Jake Effect" with Arrested Development star Jason Bateman, which no one thought about at all, even though it is excelllent and hilarious.
I couldn't find even a video that even slightly describes either character accurately. So here is a website with the characters list of ideas and a video of him nearly getting killed on heroes:

Sean Blumberg List of Crazy Ideas

Well, there you have it. I hope you never look at these Heroes characters the same. If you don't watch Heroes, I hope you at least enjoyed the column's subtle irony and comedic stylings. Now, if you'll excuse me, I probably should start studying for my history final instead of writing about the irony of a TV show. Enjoy the holidays muchachas!