Drunk Personalities: Bar Staff

Quite often enough we don't give enough props to the people that pour our drinks for us. Sometimes maybe we don't tip enough, we get belligerent, or, even worse, we hit on them even though they are way out of their league. But without them, there would be no bars. The world would be chaos. Anarchy I say. I might even say that again. But I won't. So in my next edition of drunk personalities, here is the Typical Bar Staff.

The Bouncer
Appearance: Bald, Fat and Muscular, Goatte'd, Black Clothing
Traits: Mean, Tough, Clipboardish, "No I Don't See a Dolan On the List, I Don't Care if You Reserved it Last March"
Their Purpose: The bouncer is there to keep the undesirables out and the drunk people in order. Sometimes this means he'll get all medieval on your ass, sometimes it means he'll just ignore you completely. The bouncer's job is not easy. He has to be completely vain and base everyone off their looks, just like the people he lets straight in. And although my lifelong dream of becoming one will probably not come true, I hold out hope that one day it is ME who will finally be able to judge others. If not by bouncer, at least by judge on America's Next Top Model. FAB!
Job Requirements: Bench Press a Pontiac G6

The Kitchen Worker
Appearance: Grungy, Messed Up Hair, Apron'd, Not Smiling
Traits: Impatient, Smells like Fries, Talks Like Burgers.
Their Purpose: The kitchen worker is more often than not disgruntled. They make fun of the rest of the staff, usually in a different language, mainly out of jealousy. Although they make delicious, yummy food, they probably couldn't cook a real meal if they tried. He reeks of the crap he's cooking all day, err day. He doesn't have time to deal with your incompetence, I mean, come on it clearly says 3 Burgers/Hold the fries instead of the more sensical 3 Burgers/Fries. (Ed.'s Note: Someone is disgruntled) I know some of you think my editor is funny but in actuality he has a small penis and you shouldn't listen to him. Writer's notes are funnier anyway. (Ed.'s Note: Fuck you, desk jockey. Mine are more witty and unexpected) You do them every paragraph. Their about as expected as a girl's period by now.
Job Requirements: No Habla Ingles

The Hard-Working Bartender
Appearance: Average Looking, Average Talking, Average Weight/Height, Average Breast/Penis Size, Average Average Average Averageeeeeeeeeee. Good work ethic, though.
Traits: He/She's fucking average.
Their Purpose: Quite simply, the hard-working bartender is there to balance out the work the hot eye candy bartenders are not doing. While the others are flirting, the hard working bartender is getting drinks, talking to the alcoholics, and cleaning up the ditzytenders messes. Basically, their in control of the bar, while the eye candy brings in the tips. Fair, it is not, but the hard-working bartender doesn't care. Even though they keep up on the latest trends in barkeeping, new shots, and the advantages of wheat beer to ones prostate health, they will go home with just as much as the "OMG:-)LOLtender." FOR SHAME!
Job Requirements: Do Most of the Work

The Hot Bartender
Appearance: Big breasts/penis, Sexy tanned, Ripped/skinny, HAWT TO THE BONE
Traits: Ditzy, Flirty, Just. Plain. Hot. Seriously, most bars in Chicago make you send in your picture to apply for jobs. Think that's so they can put it on the wall? THINK AGAIN!
Their Purpose: One purpose only: $$$$. Hot people are funner to look at, draw more tips, and generally bring it horny guys and girls that are getting drunker and more horny by the millisecond. They may have to deal with disgusting people more than the hard-worker but nobody said the world's all flowers and ladybugs. I mean, sometimes it is. But not when you have some 50-year old hillbilly calling you "sugartits." Trust me, I would know. I went to school in Missouri.
Job Requirements: Induce Boners

The Barback
Appearance: Skinny, Minority, or like those midgets from Lord of the Rings. What are they called? No, I mean besides lame movie characters. (Backlash in 3, 2, 1......)
Traits: Hard-working, not hard-enough, not much personality. There's something holding him back, but whattttttt? I mean, just because he chose ABBA on the jukebox the first night he worked, that doesn't mean he should be held back. There's nothing wrong with ABBA. Nothing. I mean, they made a Broadway play about them and I can't listen to them in a bar WELL FUCK YOU BAR I WANNA LISTEN TO DANCING QUEEN WHILE I"M CLEANING SHIT UP! (Ed.'s Note: Well, I don't even need to say anything really, do I?)
Their Purpose: To clean everything up. Fast. If they don't clean it all up fast, why the hell are they there? The answer: they aren't. There's hundreds of other "hard-working for low-pay workers" (read: illegal immigrants) that would swoop in and take their trabajo. NO BIEN! Limpias las manos en el bano AHORA, Miguel! AHORA! Algo corporativo es la banda más atractiva jamás. Tengo no mas comprension de espanol.
Job Requirements: Look Much Uglier and Be Willing to Do Much More Work than Hot Women Pictured Above

The Owner:
Appearance: Fat, Beard, Unkempt, Aged Horribly
Traits: Stressed to no end, Whiny, Usually not nice but let's be honest, you can't be nice to your employees and own a successful bar. Not possible.
Their Purpose: Their purpose is to run the day to day operations of the bar that nobody in the history of the world knows how horrible it actually is to own a bar. Everybody, at least once in their life, will at least temporarily contemplate how awesome it would be to own a bar. No. It's no much crap work for a risky investment that it nearly kills you from the stress. But the owner does it. Do you know why? So people like me and you can go boss around their lackeys for vodka tonics and shots that only exist in our heads that nobody has ever heard of. But damnit. We're the customer. And you're gonna make my fucking shot. Because I have money. And the owner wants it. Notice how. I don't really need. To put periods. In-between these words. What. Ever.
Job Requirement: Be Fat, Near Alcoholism, and Have High Blood Pressure

That'll do it for another great edition of drunk personalities! You love it don't you? I know you do, that's why I wrote it. Jerks. Anyway, I do have some exciting news. But before I go on, I must stress that this is not a promise, but a possibility. Too many people were upset deeply (read: one) by my last guest blogger's failure to write a paragraph in over a month. But he's been forever banned. And I have a new, real, enthusiastic guest blogger in his midsts. What he'll write about, I have no idea, but that's up to him. And hopefully it'll be soon. But this time I have more confidence that it'll actually get done. So get excited for that. I mean, the writing quality will probably be a little "off" from what you're used to, but I'm willing to give aspiring alcohol enthusiasts the chance to write about their enthusiasm. Until next time, aur revoir muchacho/as!