Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On

Now that I'm done with all the Michael Bay movies, I must find something else to Real Time Review. And guess what? I thought long and hard about what series of movies to do next. The movies had to be both in a series of similar movies and mind-blowingly retarded. I thought of all those American Pie movies--but I actually like the first three and I think making fun of comedies isn't as funny as say making fun of horrible directors. But after searching long and hard (for about 10 minutes), I found my golden insult baby. What movies, you might ask, are so horrible, that they might even be WORSE than the Michael Bay ones? Well, you're answer my friends is the Bring It On series. Yes, the cheerleading ones. Did you know there are FIVE of them?! I couldn't believe it myself. And since I hate myself, I'm going to get drunk...and real time review them. I call this series the Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review. Clever, I know.

00:00:00: What to drink, What to drink? Well, since I need a little spirit (if you think that's the last cheerleading pun, think again), I think I'll go with a good old friend...I forgot what I named it but it's my Seagram's 7 Whiskey, Tequila, 7 Up, and Champagne mix. POP IT AND LOCK IT BABY!

00:00:39: I immediately regret this decision.

00:01:45: To kill time, I'm going to stir up argument: cheerleading is not a sport. Discuss.

00:02:10: If there was nudity, I would have just saw Kirsten Dunst naked. Thank you, PG-13.

00:03:33: Skeez ball boyfriend should check in to the "Horseshit School of Acting."

00:04:22: Do male cheerleaders really get this much ass? Let me rephrase that...female ass.

00:05:40: Ten bucks says the Asian and the Blonde at least kissed on set.

00:06:04: Winning cheerleading captain is kind of like winning....I don't know, something stupid.

00:06:55: Sometimes I wish I had a gay friend. He could help me with fashion and girl problems and shopping.

00:07:59: The snotty brother thinks he's funny but I hate it.

00:08:22: Kirsten Dunst admits she's not a genius. Nomination for Least Shocking Thing Ever Heard.

00:09:20: Jocks doing the loser sneeze. Classic.

00:09:45: Cute new guy tries to school jocks about the loser sneeze being out of style. Jocks pwn him and do it again. Double classic.

00:10:30: Who names their kid Cliff? Unless you're a red dog, I think THAT'S what out of style, *sneezelosersneeze*

00:11:09: "Malignant this, tool." while holding their junk. Jocks are hilar.

00:12:05: Special Olympics joke! And it works! (Unlike their legs! BWAHAHAHHA)

00:12:55: Are cheerleading tryouts really this ugly and boring? Where are all the hot chicks with daddy issues?

00:13:40: Rapping cheerleader. So cliche.

00:13:59: I auditioned for Pippin once. They told me my voice was too alto-tastic.

00:14:39: This Asian 14 year old looks/sound like she's 3. And she's still taller than my girlfriend. Haha. Whoa, that one's gonna land me in el case de perros.

00:15:33: Hey, didn't you use to be Eliza Dushku?

00:16:30: Girl can flip and shit.

00:17:08: What the fuck is a cheerocracy? Is that some Canadian political term?

00:18:38: Cliff thinks Kirsten is interesting. So go start a Facebook group about it and be the only member, buddy.

00:19:41: Ugh. Back in my day, cheerleadering chants had creativity. I could choreograph that, for Jesus' sake!

00:20:43: CAT FIGHTTTTTTT! No never mind. They going for a ride instead. Why don't girls fight with their hands instead of their heads? Bitches.

00:21:39: Black cheer squad is significantly better than white one. Color me not surprised. They practice that shit in the club like 3 times a week. MAKE IT RAIN GIRL!

00:22:33: Kirsten about to get her ass whooped by black squad.

00:23:39: Gangsta girl is begging for a fight. Urbanites total schooled the suburbanites on life lessons!

00:24:40: I'm cursed too Kirsten. Except my curse....is watching you try to act.

00:25:40: YOU DROPPED THE SPIRIT STICK OMG ROFLZZZZZZZZ

00:26:09: Apparently if you drop a spirit stick, you go to hell. I mean the logic is just undeniable.

00:27:00: Is Kirsten wearing a bra as a shirt? I mean, it's California, but c'mon now. Nobody wants to see that.

00:27:55: Everyone's in favor winning....and bad fashion! BOO YA!

00:28:40: A big gay cheerleader who won't return your phone calls is just not worth your sweet time, K-Girl!

00:29:22: Eliza dancing in a cheerleading uniform...that would be my complete fantasy, except it's not my girlfriend. I'm soo good at that filtering stuff, ain't I?

00:30:40: Cliche dumb jocks enter, and the cheerleaders get cheered on by the crowd. I think I just entered San Fransisco School of People that Aren't Heterosexual.

00:31:40: Reading at a football game means your brooding and interesting. Mark it down.

00:32:19: Bench clearing brawl and some girl redoes her underwear. Smooth transition if there ever was one.

00:32:44: That's what they call a cheerleading fail, other team. Who cares, you're rocking them in football. And nobody reads about cheerleading in the paper, so you win, hooray!

00:34:03: Totally having cheer sex. Totally. There's all this lingo that I never learned in high school. I missed out, apparently.

00:35:00: Black cheer squad totally owns the white one. I mean...honestly, who's gonna have better careers in the end? Just saying...

00:35:50: When a football player gets insulted by a cheerleader, I don't laugh. Jocks are so cool, I love them, always have.

00:35;51: Also, Jocks are easier to insult.

00:36:50: Speaking of insult, the brooder is totally rocking out while Kirsten is peeping. Define peeping however you want.

00:37:44: TOOTHRBUSH WARRRRRR!!! MALE VS FEMALE IN A BATTLE TO THE DEATH! WHO'S GONNA WIN?!?!

00:38:29: One thing we've learned from toothbrush war 2000: Kirsten Dunst spits. Spitters are Quitters, ladies.

00:39:03: We pause so Mike can refill his lovely drink of death.

00:39:59: Gotta love hiring crazy chorepgrahers.

00:40:55: Cheerleader car wash. I believe some girls could make a career out of this if they wanted too.

00:41:56: Cleavage alert!

00:42:35: THe brooder drives hard. I hate brooders. Go be emo with Edward and Bella, you dirty scumboy.

00:43:30: This crazy choregrapher musta won a few Oscars that I've never heard about, WHOA!

00:44:29: Just goin and insulting everyone isn't the way to get things done, choreoboy.

00:45:44: He's taking crazzzzzzzzzAYYYYYYY pills!

00:46:20: Are spirit fingers just cheerleading talk for "guys who use their hands well down there on girlssss"?

00:47:39: Guys who act dark and mysterious apparently get girls. I must have missed the "you have to be lame to pick up women" memo.

00:48:55: Cheerleaders are out of control. I think they are cute though.

00:50:22: How does one judge a cheerleading competition? By attractiveness!

00:51:22: Black squad does good. WHITE PEOPLE LOVE WATCHING BLACK PEOPLE DANCE!

00:52:38: Girls before Kirsten copy their routine. Aww shucks, now we won't make it regional semi-LOLZOMGZROFLCOPTERZZZZZZfinals

00:53:55: This is just embarassing. They are doing the same thing as the last team. Reminds me of the time I copied how to have sex for the first time from the porn I watched. Not appropriate?

00:54:55: Why do black people hate white people so much? What did we ever do to them?

00:55:33: I mean it was a copy...but I still enjoyed myself. Assholes could've clapped at least.

00:56:38: I have spirit fingers too. Middle and Index. They could put spirit into any lady.

00:58:09: Girls crying. You know the drill.

00:59:40: Guy tries to French Kiss Kirsten. I call that "Cutting the Challah." Only Jewish people understand.

01:00:59: Kirsten dances like an idiot. And that's just when she's cheering.

01:01:50: The brooders song is actually pretty good. But I like teenage pop-rock music. FTW!

01:03:38: Kirsten's inspirational speech reminds me of a young Audrey Hepburn. With a weird face and on heroin.

01:04:39: Practice montage of crazy different dances that matters like WHOA!

01:05:30: Kirsten catches the gay boyfriend cheating...with a girl?!??! NOW we're getting somewhere!

01:06:39: Inner-city squad can't afford to go? What's next, a Mexican family having more kids than they can afford and overpopulating?!

01:08:20: Black girl rips up a check. That's a first. BITCHES BE CRAZY!

01:08:50: Blach cheer girl never worries. I seriously doubt that honey, you live in an impoverished hood.

01:10:15: Brooder is retardeddd to the bone. Be Aggressive! B-E-AGRESSIVE!

01:11:08: Fat Oprah wannabe gives the black sqaud money to go to some cheer competition. If I had a nickel for everytime that happened!

01:12:30: FLORIDA HAS BEEN INVADED BY CHEERLEADERS! BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH RUN FOR OYUR LIFE!

01:13:45: Advice from one cheer captain to another: if you don't wear underwear, you will be a big hit on YouTube.

01:14:10: Doesn't everyone love when the characters repeat the title of the movie over and over and over and over and over and over and over again?

01:16:09: Cheerleader slumber...can you say....RAH RAH RAH

01:17:13: Spanky pants, FTW!

01:18:10: Girl just projectiled in a coaches face. That's why I quit the cheer biz, in the first place to be quite honest.

01:19:59: The black team is owning the white team. It's like the 1800s in reverse!

01:20:51: The brooder is there and thus, will inspire Kirsten to victory. Brooders are so lame, the only thing they inspire is cheeeer.

01:21:49: What an orig routine, like totes OMG, I lol'd @ dat fo sho, all day err day, sistah!

01:22:33: Using the brooders song in the final routine, ugh waht a fail.

01:24:33: The blacks won. It's only been a few thousand years.

01:25:00: Is East Compton better than just Compton? Who cares, this movies almost over and I LOVE these 90 minutes runtimes.

01:26:09: Kirsten let the spirit stick drop again! Welcome to the SECOND CIRCLE OF HELLLLLLLLLLLLLL

01:26:59: Sometimes when you get the girl/guy, second place feels like first. I figured that out on my many travels to StrikeOutVille.

01:27:33: I am just not blogging on this "Hey Mickey" montage. Just no no no no no no.

That'll do it for my first in our brand new series. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go out now and start drinking again. Because I apparently have no regard for human life when it's my own. GOODNIGHTY NIGHT!