Pin the Tail on the Drunk Asshole

I love games. I'm very competitive and obviously like to drink, so its no surprise that I like drinking games. And none of them are really that out of control. I mean, you got beer pong, flip cup, and quarters and those are all fine and good. But sometimes you're just feeling like an actual challenge. Something you could look back on and maybe tell your AA sponsor some day. These are what only few men only dare attempt. For it is by blind competitive spirit (read: stupidity) that any human being would take on one of the 5 Most Ridiculous Drinking Challenges.

5. Century Club
The Challenge: A power hour for 100 Minutes
How Much Drinking Total: Between 10-11 Beers
How It Gets Ya: The century club, admittedly, probably shouldn't be on this list. It's not THAT hard (not that it's easy), but alas, I was searching for something to take up the fifth spot. So sue me for lack of creativity. I've never enjoyed power hours and I don't support the participation of anyone in them, although I will do it for the common good. And by that I simply mean I will do it if someone asks me too. But century club is for little sissies and girls that can't drink enough because they are on seizure meds. (I predict you've already told Jillie by the time you're finished with this sentence, Emily)

4. Case Race
The Challenge: A team of "x" amount of people tries to finish a case of beer before the other team(s) doing the EXACT SAME THING WHOA!
How Much Drinking Total: It depends. (Ed.'s Note: On What, Mike?) Well, many factors. Are you female or male? Are you over 160 lbs? Have you ever drank before? When you're choosing what to wear to go out on a Friday night, do you choose a pink polo and think "Damn, I need to pop that collaaaaaa, fo sho!"?? (Ed.'s Note: That would make you pretty cool, bro)
How It Gets Ya: Speed drinking isn't for everyone. Finishing a large amount of beer in a short amount of time takes a bit out of you. But a case race is about one thing and one thing only. And unlike sex, that thing is not endurance. But like sex, its about opening your throat real wide and swallowing a big load of semen. Wait. I mean beer. A big load of beer. Sorry. My mind is all up in the guttah.

3. Irish Truck Bomb
The Challenge: Chug an Irish Truck Bomb without stopping/vomiting/dying
How Much Drinking Total: A pitcher full of Guinness, 1.5 shots of whiskey, 1.5 shots of Bailey's Irish Creme
How It Gets Ya: The Irish Truck Bomb is tough, in that Guinness is very heavy, like K-Fed Post-Britney. Plus you got all that booze and the fact that you need to chug it all at once. Well, it takes a true test of will to down one of these babies. Many Americans, blinded by their lack of taste and mortal stupidity, do not appreciate the sexual taste of Guinness that makes one's mouth go "mmmm, this is how sex must feel for Ron down there." (Ed.'s Note: Mike's mouth has apparently named his wonder organ. How is this guy not published?) And while my editor continues to be a mean, mean little man, ponder this doozy of a conundrum: if a Truck Bomb explodes in your mouth, does your tongue think it just got laid? Or just mine?

2. Down I-55
The Challenge: Drink a shot of beer corresponding to whatever minute it is for 10 minutes. (1 shot for the first, 2 for the second, 3 for the third, 4th for the fourth, etc....)
How Much Drinking Total: 55 Shots of Beer in 10 Minutes, about 6 beers.
How It Gets Ya: If you have to ask, you can't handle it. My attempts fall short when it gets to minute seven and there is nothing left in my field of vision. Reading it, you may not think it would be that hard. But that's what she said. And it is. It's a power hour in 10 minutes and it takes a true bread of man (read: an idiot) to attempt it, let alone finish it. But say you accidently invited both girls you're dating to the same party and need a quick way out: well, this could temporarily delay the fact that you'll probably need to get used to porn being a good friend of yours. Unless you're really smooth like me. I could pull off dating two girls if I tried, I choose not to because 1) I'm really nice and 2) really don't want to because my girlfriend is so nice and flat-out gorgeous. (tell THAT one to Jillie, madam)

1. 24 in 24
The Challenge: Drink 24 Beers in 24 hours, without sleeping at any time even if you're finished.
How Much Drinking Total: 24 Beers. I mean, come on, it's in the title.
How It Gets Ya: This challenge would be so much more enticing if you could actually sleep after you've finished. But no, the gods of dumbassery have bestowed that not to be enough to claim victory. One must stay awake, piss drunk, and not die. Well even though I got through 19 beers (no bragging or anything) in 12 hours, the game needs to be played to pure perfection if one is to even to come close to finishing it. But besides needing an iron liver, you'll need a crazy ass amount of endurance. (Writer's Note: Like Mike during s_x. He's a good woodwindest.) But it's all irrelevant really. You see, the 24 in 24 challenge can be attributed to one thing: moronism. (that's actually a word, no spell check came up) There's no reason to feel the need to finish besides maybe it getting you laid. But if you need this challenge to get laid, you might want to start watching re-runs of Happy Days and study The Fonz. HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, sucks to be you.

After destroying my writer's block with another wonderful post, I'm tired and don't much feel like adding a conclusion. Besides, this paragraph is just like Decaf coffee with dessert: unnecessary and unstimulating. So let's bust out of here like a nut...on an acorn tree and go out on the high note I just hit. Ciao!