Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Pearl Harbor

The day of reckoning is upon us. In the 4th edition of my Real Time Drunken Michael Bay Reviews series, I will be forced to watch Pearl Harbor while drinking. This presents me with two outstanding dilemmas: 1) Pearl Harbor is one of, if not the, worst movies of the decade and 2) it is THREE HOURS LONG. I suspect the last half hour will read like this "zis suks. aflack gay, breing backk CUBA." But I do this for you because I love my reader(s) and know you need your fixes. So here it is, straight from my keyboard to your eyes, "Drunken Real Time Michael Bay Review: Pearl Harbor." Tora tora tora, motherfuckers.

00:00:00: My drink of choice is my usual favorite, the 7 and 7. It's sweet for happy hour goodness.

00:01:22: Kids fake shooting barn animals in a beat up plane. Wish they were real shooting me.

00:02:25: Kids playing around in a real plane accidently start it then drive it around like morons.

00:03:24: William Fintcher, who plays a hero in Armaggedon, plays a child beater here. Smooth transition.

00:04:55: Mitchell Field is actually Mitchel Field, Mr. Bay. Also, there are no mountains in Long Island. Ugh.

00:05:50: Hartnett and Affleck start to play chicken in planes. Wonder if they've ever played gay chicken.

00:06:37: Alec Baldwin: your voice can't even save this movie.

00:08:22: Affleck's off to England. God save the queen.

00:10:44: Navy Nurses OMG! Wonder if they met the Village People.

00:11:33: Guys getting shots in their asses. Exactly what every war buff wants to see.

00:13:05: Affleck can't read. That explains a little.

00:16:04: "I really, really lick you." Jesus, I didn't want that visual.

00:18:01: Affleck hits himself in the face with a champagne cork. Now THAT'S funny.

00:20:12: NAVY DANCE PARTY!

00:22:29: "Pearl Harbor, about as far from the fighting as you can get." That's what they call ironic foreshadowing.

00:25:20: Bwahaha. Affleck and his lady fall twenty feet from a scaffolding into the water. Closest thing to combat yet.

00:28:48: Cheesy four-minute romantic sequence. Bet Michael Bay was jerking off to a montage of explosions to keep himself sane.

00:30:03: Bromantic hug 'tween Hartnett and Affleck and that is basically pouring my second drink.

00:32:11: Wondering how tempted Affleck was to use a British accent around all the British actors.

00:33:18: Jon Voight as FDR? Match made in crippled hideousness.

00:34:33: Hirohito planning the Pearl Harbor attack. Don't know who that is? Go retake intro to history in high school.

00:35:42: The age old question: How do you know if something's submerged if it's all ready submerged?

00:37:04: Affleck's not making friends in Britain. Shame, thought he'd putting another shrimp on the barbie. Is that the right country?

00:39:18: Skepticism about a Pearl Harbor attack from everyone but the main Admiral. Formulaic plot device meet reality.

00:40:32: Japanese again planning Pearl Harbor and Michael Bay proves, if you use the right music, anyone can be the enemy. Even Gandhi.

00:41:59: Nice shot Red-2? Even I know that's from Star Wars.

00:43:41: Affleck crashes into the water and presumably dies. Everyone, including me, parties in their minds.

00:44:35: Cuba Gooding Jr. boxing a big white guy. Haven't seen someone get beat up this bad since Snow Dogs.

00:46:21: TKO for Cuba! In all fairness to Cuba, he's not nearly as bad as every single other actor in this movie. But that doesn't mean he's that good.

00:47:58: Hartnett arrives to tell Affleck's woman about his "death" and they both cry. "Hey, Michael, you know what a movie about Pearl Harbor needs? A LOVE TRIANGLE!" "That's brilliant, Shia. For that, I'll give you the lead in my Robot movie."

00:50:18: More of the Japanese planning. Basically just to remind you what the movie's supposed to be about.

00:51:11: How do you make a war movie better? Include Dan Akroyd. And he isn't buying the Japanese coded messages. Personally, I only buy Japanese. TOYOTA'S TOO GOOD!

00:52:14: Navy pilot's go watch Chaplin's "The Great Dictator." If only I was that lucky.

00:54:59: Ginger guy proposes to ultra-hot blonde and she says yes. Maybe I should join the Navy.

00:55:03: No, I shouldn't.

00:57:44: Jeez, I never thought I'd say this but Jennifer Garner looks ugly.

00:59:59: Hartnet's falling for "Affleck's Girl, He wishes he had Affleck's girl. Where does he find a girl like that?"

01:02:02: Note to self: if you ever want a girl to fall for you, become an Air Force pilot and take her on a ride above the clouds at sunset in Hawaii.

01:03:42: Let's just say this: if my best friend has sex with the girl I'm in love with when I die, I will haunt his ass. Hard.

01:06:26: Japanese spy doing some work in Pearl Harbor. You know, if I wasn't American, I would say "Damn, that is an awesome plan. Just plain brilliant."

01:07:34: Affleck's ex/Hartnet's current sure falls for Navy pilots like it's her job.

01:09:00: Aykroyd thinks the Japs are gonna attack Pearl Harbor. You'll pay for not believing a Conehead.

01:10:15: Tora Tora Tora and drink #3. BTW, this Admiral in Hawaii opposed protecting his ships actually. Good thing Michael Bay makes him look like a genius instead of a naive mofo.

01:13:05: Affleck's alive and Hartnett is fuuuuuuuuuucked.

01:14:01: Reunion between Affleck and his biddy. Boooooooooring.

01:16:10: Affleck looks befuddled at the betrayal. Wonder if they just used a take where he forgot his line.

01:18:39: Affleck getting drunk. Must be in his contract.

01:09:45: Bromantic fight 'tween Affleck and Hartnett. Seems like it will be all OK eventually.

01:21:01: The Japs are only 350 miles away! Their empire is at stake! Let's watch on and see what happens!

01:22:19: Kamikaze pilots praying then do a shot of sake before taking off. That is badass. I love sake.

01:24:00: "They's too large to be planes." Good thing our we had radar.

01:25:45: I hate to say it. But kudos to the Japanese for such an awesome war plan. It's the U.S.'s fault for not seeing it coming.

01:27:11: Make a note: Cuba Gooding Jr. has NEVER lost a fight. Except for that one in Snow Dogs.

01:28:30: The attack commences. BONZAI!

01:30:00: When you drop a torpedo from a thousand feet into the artillery room, you are getting promoted after the attack.

01:31:18: So many explosions happening I can't even begin to fathom how Affleck/Hartnett's girl JUST woke up. Are you fucking serious?

01:32:00: Affleck HAS to get to a DAMN plane! OBLIGE!

01:32:55: Cuba killing some fucking Japs on the Tommy Gun? Best part of the movie. In fact, it might be the only ood part.

01:34:10: Japs bomb a hospital. Now that's just bush.

01:35:07: Never assume a bomb's a dud. You will die. Rightfully so, to be honest.

01:37:00: 6 Japanese planes against Affleck and Hartnett in car. I don't really need to tell you who wins, do I?

01:39:18: I wonder if Mikey Bay took the soldiers getting shot underwater part directly from Saving Private Ryan or just edited it? Either way, Jon Voight's pissed. FDR FTW!

01:41:22: Shaky hospital camera shot makes me wonder if I have a better or worse chance of living through this movie than the soldiers.

01:44:25: B-40's can't outrun Zeroes? You want to bet on that, because Zeroes were the best planes anyone had until the end of the war. Dolan 39, Michael Bay 1.

01:46:11: Boring action sequence I'm too drunk to care about.

01:47:00: Wonder if "3 Zeroes on your 6" is a sexual reference. An ugly foresome, but a foresome nonetheless.

01:50:05: Having Affleck and Hartnett talk during this action sequence is really making it worse. That, and the fact that I can't tell if the scene is dizzy or I am from the drinking.

01:51:17: Would the Japanese really play chicken, or would they just shoot them? I hate this movie.

01:53:00: Affleck is on your ass now, Japanese pilot. Be careful, those are the last words tons of hookers hear.

01:56:49: Who cares about your boring nurse trying to fix everyone sequence? Oh shit, the ginger's fiancee died. Life really is the cruelest thing. Sometimes, the other sperm are lucky not to be chosen.

01:58:43: Good thing the government got the message out an hour after the attack started. Promptness is really unimportant in war.

02:00:44: Only Michael Bay could screw up a dying sequence.

02:02:08: Voight delivering the famous FDR speech. 3,000 American lives taken. I guess that's worth hundreds of thousands of other lives. As long as their your enemy, I guess it doesn't matter. Not like they were depleted already anyway.

02:05:00: Voight is pissed that his staff won't come up with a good plan. I agree with him, for once. Every time I see him I just think Dustin Hoffman is going to jump him like a Midnight Cowboy.

02:06:22: FDR stands from his wheelchair and says "Do Not Tell Me What Can Be Done." I really hope the LOST writers didn't get John Locke's famous line from that.

02:08:25: Hartnett and Affleck are going stateside for Doolittle's Raid. Don't know what that is? Ugh. Wiki it.

02:10:26: Affleck made a deal with God and he eventually got dissed by the G-man. Poor Ben. Now you know how your whores feel.

02:12:56: "I love you and I'll be waiting for you, with our lovechild, when you come back." Proving, once again, that all you need to do is have sex with a girl once to get her to love you.

02:15:05: Is it just me or is Hartnett's character a big douchebag for stealing Affleck's girl. If I feel in love with my best friend's girl, I'd suck it up and ignore it the best I could. Hartnett's a dick. I hate him.

02:16:40: Even Baldwin mails it in here. How could you waste that heavenly voice?

02:18:30: Baldwin's laugh makes me believe in God.

02:21:27: If you save someone's life, you get classified information. Makes me want to be a Secret Service agent.

02:22:00: I love how they wrote on the bombs "This is for Betty" and stuff like that. You know, drunk Mike Dolan sees the problem with this movie. This movie WORKS as a pure war movie. But the love scenes and dialogue just reek of day old vagina.

02:24:16: Alec Baldy's dialogue is so cheesy, it could clog an artery.

02:26:26: Alec's really doing his best but it's just bad material. It's like bad sex: at least it's still sex.

02:28:09: OH, I'd pray for you Alec. Your voice could seduce a virgin 60-year old nun.

02:30:30: Why is Doolittle's raid in the movie? This movie's too long. I am literally hammered. I'm scared to stand up.

02:32:00: Bomb. Enemy Fire. Uh-oh. Blah Blah Blah.

02:33:35: Telling a dead guy to wake up does not actually wake him up. If only.

02:35:31: They're running out of gas, but OH WAIT! There's the Japs coast. All is well, Michael Bay movie.

02:36;36: Affleck's going down on Japan. Not the first time.

02:37:54: Other American plane saves Affleck and Co. from being POW's. I'd say you owe them a bottle of Kristal. But that's just me.

02:38:33: Hartnett might be dying. STAY TUNED!

02:38:53: Affleck shot. Dreams really do come true.

02:40:02: Hartnett sacrifices himself then the Ginger absolutely fucking saves the day. Steals a gun then gernades the other two Jap officers.

02:41:00: Affleck tells Hartnett he can't die because he'll be a daddy. Reminds me of my first near death experience.

02:42:55: Ben and Co. carry Hartnett's casket off the plane in full view of their girl. Decently sad scene.

02:43:42: Cuba is the first black cross winner. Did he cry and kiss Hallee?

02:44:36: Hartnett's kid at his tombstone with Affleck and the woman. Does that girl just switch off at will? What a fucking hussie!

02:45:30: The movie ends with Affleck and his "faux" son flying off into the sunset. If only they showed the crash.

CELEBRATE! THE MOVIES' OVER!

Thank the Lord Jesus Christ, this movie is over. I'm so drunk, I may or may not take a week off from the Michael Bay segment. Plus, i hate this movie more than communism. To all my loyal readrs that actually stuck through this trying post, I salute you. Until next time, I love your souls. Good night, Chicago.