An Ode to Absinthe

If you've never tasted Absinthe, you have missed out on an important step in the feats of alcoholics everywhere. Purveyor of boozing that I am, of course I have tried it. And I've made others try it. This is my ode to absinthe. I forget what an ode actually is, so it'll basically be just a regular blog thing. But whatever, let's get started.


Who drank Absinthe?
PIcasso, Oscar Wilde, Ernest Hemingway, Monet, Van Gough, Tucker Max, and Marilyn Manson. Also, millions of people that are unimportant.

What does Absinthe taste like?
As you may know, absinthe is green. And to be honest, it taste a little green. Straight up, absinthe is harsh, depending it's Proof. It tastes awful. Which is why, traditionally, absinthe is mixed with sugar and fire. Drink it like that and it's basically candy in a bottle. But otherwise its alien piss with booze in it.

What makes Absinthe so different?
Have you ever done cocaine? Speed? X? (Not meth, that's a little much) Basically it's like dropping one of those drugs into a regular booze. While most alcohols eventually wear you out and make you tired, absinthe acts as a stimulant. It amps you up, gets up going. More so, even, than regular booze. Why? Who cares? It feels really, really good.

Does Absinthe really make you hallucinate?
Yes and no. No, you will not be seeing a two headed giraffe roaming the street and eating stray dogs. It won't make you hallucinate like shrooms, acid, or LCD. That is a common mistake. People take absinthe thinking they're gonna see God. It's not gonna happen. If you drink enough of it, it causes what I call a "lucid drunkenness." What do I mean by that? Well, I mean it's more of a clear-headed, euphoric drunk. Sorta like if heroin was an upper and not nearly as bad for you. Mind altering? Yes. Hallucinogenic? Not quite.

Is Absinthe illegal in the U.S.?
Again, yes and no. Technically, you can go to the store and buy absinthe in America. This is misleading, however. Properly made, absinthe contains an ingredient called "thujone" which causes all the goody side effects that make absinthe so different. American absinthe contains almost none of this. So its basically just regular alcohol that taste like alien urine. So don't buy it. However, if you ever go overseas, it is legal almost everywhere else in the Western world. Europe especially.

Where is Absinthe illegal?
Only a few Middle Eastern countries, where all alcohol is banned, Vanatua, a small South Pacific island nation, and possibly North Korea, but nobody knows if anything is legal there.

So I won't hallucinate, it tastes like shit, and is expensive? Why should I try it then?
I don't know. Why does every guy want to at least try anal sex, even though it's worse? It's the aura and mystique of the whole thing. Why should you do anything? Basically, you'll never know how it really feels until you try it. Taste is all relative. Not much booze tastes that "good" by itself. When something has been hyped as much as drinking absinthe is, it's bound to be a let down. But that doesn't mean its bad.

What have been your experiences with Absinthe?
Looking back on it, it's not that much different than having a Red Bull and Vodka. Except absinthe is usually drank without mixers, except for sugar. I've drank it three times. Once in Amsterdam, once in Greece, and once pregaming at my buddy's college. Amsterdam, I was already messed up when I took it, so who really knows if I felt different. While pregaming with my buddy was a pretty amped up effect, as you could easily tell the difference between just normal alcohol. In Greece is where I felt its most profound effects, since I drank just the right amount to be drunk without drinking anything else and feeling completely euphoric. It felt like I was walking on air going down the street. I guess its just like any drug: the right time, place, and amount and you'll get the best out of it.

Does Absinthe make you hornier than other alcohol/drugs?
Just like any substance/drug that makes you feel good, it's gonna make you really horny. I couldn't tell, but maybe because I really had no chance to get laid whenever I drank it. Any booze that reacts with a stimulant is going to make you that much more horny, so yeah it'll make you much hornier than any regular booze.

What are some clever drinks I can make with Absinthe?
-The Absinthe Suissesse (claimed to be a cure-all for hangovers): 1 whole egg, 1 1/4 ounces absinthe, and 1/2 ounce amaretto
-Cugat Congo: 3/4 ounce Bacardi, 1/4 ounce grenadine, 1/2 ounce lime juice, dash of absinthe
-Le Demon Vert: 1 1/2 ounce gin, 1/2 ounce absinthe, 1/2 lime juice, 1/2 ounce falernum syrup
-Mirage Cocktail: 1 1/4 ounces absinthe, 3/4 ounce chocolate liquer, 1/2 ounce sweet syrup
-Absinthe Julep: Sugar at bottom of glass, add shaved ice, pour in 1 oz absinthe, stir, add 1 oz tonic water/carbonated water, and stir until cloudy.


Well there it is. I hope you are more well-acquainted with absinthe. Run away, I must, so I'll leave you by bidding you adieu and ciao.