Drunk Personalities: Women

Lately, I figure I haven't given the blog much variety. Drunk Michael Bay Review here, mailbag there and not much else in between. So I'm gonna try out a few new segments for a little change of pace. Don't worry, I'll still be turning all my attention to booze and women. I'm assuming you all know what types of drunks you are (i.e. angry, fun, creepy). But what kind of drunks are women? I'll admit that I know so little about women. But if there is one think I know about them...it's what kind of drunks they are. I hope. Anyways, here are The Various Personalities of Drunk Girls.

The Bitch
Common Offenders: Really, Really Hot Girls that know it.
Drunk Traits: Bitchy, Sarcastic, Dismissive, Stuck Up.
But Why? Sobriety helps keep cockiness in check. So when a hot girl, that obviously knows it, has had a little too much to drink, modesty is not processed by the liver. Try and talk to her, you will get rejected. You know why? You definitely aren't good enough for her! I mean, she'll tell you she made out with Robert Downey Jr. in Vegas and he's the one who calls her. See her looking at you from across the room? She's not checking you out, she's judging you. Hard.




The Slut
Common Offenders: Marginally attractive girls compensating for not being more attractive, Horny Girls.
Drunk Traits: Sloppy, Messy, Aggressive, and just...slutty
But Why? The Slut is an insecure drunk. You wouldn't know it from the way she acts, but she just wants to be liked. That's why she'll sleep with you: because she thinks that's the only way you'll like her. When she's had too much alcohol, BAM!, her clothes are as good as off. And she will have too much alcohol. On the verge of vomiting, probably. Granted, some girls are just sluts because they love sex. But these sluts are much more emotionally unstable. The sex will probably be good but you might wake up in the morning and say to yourself "I've made a huge mistake." She's not the worst kind of drunk. Unless she gives you chlamydia.




The Hot Mess
Common Offenders: Good looking girls that have drank themselves stupid.
Drunk Traits: Total lack of inhibitions, Instant Mood Swings, Confusion.
But Why? The hot mess is having a really bad or really good day. Maybe she just broke up with her BF or got a promotion at work. But she's letting it all out. She wants either to make it a night to forget or a night to remember. You'll see her at the bar doing a few rounds of Lemon Drops then getting on the dance floor and dancing with her girls. If you aren't a "hot" guy, this type of drunk is your only chance to sex up a girl much hotter than you.



The "Taken"
Common Offenders: Girls with boyfriends
Drunk Traits: Reserved, quiet, polite.
But Why? They'll wait 20 minutes into a conversation that they have a boyfriend, but c'mon! You should already know that (why do u do this, ladies?)!! She's trying to have fun, but doesn't want to get too wild. She'll often be the one in the group who drives to the bar or waits for their friend(s). Will you score with her? Probably not. Doesn't mean you can't try. The "Taken" is a challenge. Beware.



The Criers
Common Offenders: Lame-o's
Drunk Traits: Mood swinging like crazy, unstable, loud, complainer.
But Why? There are some girls who just have to wait to get drunk to cry. And those that do will snap at any instant. Hot girl walks by? "Waaaaaa...I used to be that hot." Usually, it's not what happens that makes cry but a whole bunch of pent up issues. Well, thanks for letting me get to deal with that! I just met you 20 minutes ago but let me solve your emotional problems! This is what they will expect. She'll either fall asleep on your shoulder with mascara all over your new Lacoste polo or in your bed staining your satin sheets. Try to stay away from this one. Ugh.



The Way-Too-Personal
Common Offenders: Girls with deep-seeded emotional problems
Drunk Traits: Attention-hogging, seems really cool, hesitant.
But Why? Hey, we're about to have sex on the first we met but you tell me you're molested? That's what you're dealing with her. "I was raped when I was 5." "My Dad used to hit me." "My grandpa was hit by a crashing airplane last year and I just can't deal with it." Things like this are sometimes better saved for date number 3 or 4 and even then it's a little off-putting. You don't hear me talking about my problems. Saying stuff like this is your invitation to please get away from me, ladies.



The "Whoo!" Girls
Common Offenders: Former or current sorority girls
Drunk Traits: Obnoxious, "Like, totally, whatever," attractive, dressed to impress.
But Why? Whoo girls are simply that: girls that go "Whooo!" whenever something exciting is happening. Who needs a toast when you just have to yell "Whoo!" These groups of girls are basically a guys dream: hot, unintelligent girls looking to get really drunk. If you can handle all the Whoo!'s then there is absolutely no reason why you should be standing on the other side of the room. Buy them a drink, scream along, and they'll love you forever. Or about 30 seconds.



The Dream Girl
Common Offenders: Ultra-hot, modest girls. (About as rare as an eclipse)
Drunk Traits: Fun, Funny, Wild, Spontaneous, Not Slutty but Not Prude.
Do They Exist? See that 10 over there sipping on her Guinness (oh yeah, she can handle the heavy stuff.)? She's not a bitch. Go see, I'll wait. The "Dream Girl" rarely exists in reality. It's the girl you meet that you can't believe likes you, the one that always makes you think your a Double-A relief pitcher starting in the big leagues. She's drunk but not stupid. She's funny but not obnoxious. She doesn't play games and if she does, they're fun. Every night a guy go's out and will pick a "best-case scenario" girl. Usually, it doesn't pan out. But when a guy has that girl picked out, she can do no wrong. Thus, the first night he meets her he will walk away thinking the girl is perfect and, thus, the dream girl. There's nothing a girl can really do to become a dream girl except stand there and look pretty.




Well, that's it today for the blog. Hope you enjoyed further insight into the female psyche. It's complicated yet so so simple. At least when they're drunk. When they're sober, don't ask me for any advice. I'll keep this short today since I'm a busy man but always remember: if you don't meet them at a bar, then where do you meet them? (No seriously, where do people meet?) Anyways, until next time, bon voyage my lovely readers!