Yes, The Exact Right Time to Run Into MILF's at the Grocery Store is 4 P.M., And Other Non-Sensical Queries Responded To: The August Mailbag

It's back like your Grandma's dentures in your cocktail, it''s the MAILBAG! August's edition has a special twist to it. Since the summer is winding down and we're in the hot, dog days of August, I've decided to only take questions this month regarding drunken sex. Seems a little raunchy, I know, but I feel like we all need a little raunchiness to keep the summer alive as long as possible. Let's get down to the filth!

Q: So I'm banging this model the other day. Great ass, tight vagina, big tits. Basically a perfect body. Except for one thing. She had the really big peanut butter cup nipples. You know which ones I'm talking about. (If you don't, google Thandie Newton nude.) Luckily we were in the dark and I was hammered so I didn't have a problem. Can I possibly survive a relationship with this girl when all I think about if here nipples are going to explode all over me?
--M. Fontenot, Chicago, IL
A: I am aware of this bizarre nipple style and I'll address. It is, indeed, very off-putting. Then again, if the girl is that hot and this is her only flaw, you certainly can't break up with her over it. I mean, unless she's a playboy model, nobody else knows about the nipples. So earn your bragging rights and keep on making her strike a pose: sitting on your penis.

Q: How wrong is it to play a strip drinking game to "WALL-E"?
--A. Stanton, Anaheim, CA.
A: Wrong? As long as there are no kids in the room, this seems about as right as you can get.

Q: So picture this: you're at a bar, chatting up some girl. You start dancing with her but she's grinding all over you. Now you've got a boner. What are the best ways to hide this so it doesn't make it look like you're "Touch and Go."?
--S. Guttenberg, Portland, OR.
A: I've always had a problem deciding what to do. You can look like a terrible dancer and hide it by dancing with your hands over your groin. But I've learned one thing dancing/grinding with women is that, if they are grinding on you that aggressively that it's gonna give you a woodie, then they probably won't mind you having one. In fat, that might just be their intention in the first place. So let it fly. Unless you're done dancing. Then you've got other problems.

Q: My stepmom took me out to dinner for my birthday the other day. Suffice to say, we both had a few too many margaritas and were unable to drive home. Since we were so far away from home, we decided we just chug some water and wait in the car for a while. Well, we're waiting in the car and all the sudden we start going at it. The sex was sloppy to say the least. Should I pursue this, based on the fact that I hate my father?
--J. Cutler, Bourbainais, IL.
A: I don't know the "moral" protocol here, but I'd assume that since your dad is married to this woman and sleeping with her, you probably shouldn't. However, you should take some things into account: the age difference: if she's 20+ years older than you, you may not get another chance to hook up with a woman like that. How often do you get laid, i.e. how badly do you need this? If it's been awhile, then keep at it. How much money does your dad have? Because if you get caught, I presume you'll get cut out of the will. It's really all up to you though. I'd say just think with your dick. That's what I would do.

Q: So me and a lady friend went home together the other night. I've been in a huge dry spell lately so I was excited. Anyways, we're going at it and she's on top. She proceeds to vomit and a little got on me but I didn't care, so I ended up finishing. Is there protocol for this type of situation?
--V. Diesel, Detroit, MI.
A: I don't think there's exactly a protocol for this type of situation but there has to be some limits. I mean, if she did it all over me I would probably throw up immediately. I guess finishing would be making the best of a bad situation but that just depends how horny you are. I mean, if you're lucky enough to find a girl who wants to keep going after she's thrown up, then you found yourself a keeper my friend. Hold on to that one.

Q: I haven't gotten laid since the Bush administration. I was at the Cubs game recently and hit it off with the girl sitting next to me. She was there with her boyfriend though. I did get a number, but am I breaking the guy code or something by calling her?
--E. Hawke, Pasadena, CA.
A: Sure, it's sort of morally wrong but who cares? If you don't know her boyfriend and she's giving you her number while she's with him, then she's probably not looking to be a faithful girlfriend. She's the one in the wrong here, not you. Call her up. I mean, you met here at Wrigley? That's about as sexy as it gets.

Q; What does a girls weight have to be for you not to consider having sex with her when you're extremely drunk?
--G. Giraldo, Hartford, CN.
A: Clearly, it depends on her height. But let's say she's 5'6, a pretty normal height for a girl. I'd say once she passes the 145-150 mark, it's time to get on the treadmill. Sorry ladies, I'm not being an asshole because I keep myself in shape. So maybe you should.

Q: What's the one thing you would never do during sex, no matter how drunk or messed up you were?
--S. Van Pelt, Bristol, CN.
A: This is a tough one. I would do almost anything. Roleplay, S&M, bondage, it's all good. One thing I don't I would do is let a girl use a strap-on on me. There's just no chance that thing is going anywhere near me. I'll stick it in any hole you want, but I'm the only one doing the sticking.

Q: Who would be the absolutely last celebrity twosome you would want to see in a sex tape? Keep in mind, you'd have to watch the whole thing, no matter how hideous.
--S. Rogen, Boise, ID.
A: Wow. Well, how bout Roseanne Barr and John Goodman? That'd be pretty disgusting. Or Rosie O'Donnell and anyone. That would make me puke on site. Major boner killer.

Q: How possible would it be for you to go to a "Hey Monday" concert and, if you got backstage passes, get drunk and hook up with their lead singer Cassadee Pope. What steps would have to be taken for this to have a shot at happening?
--D. Quirsfeld, Arlington Heights, IL
A: Let me start off by saying, there is nothing hotter to me than this type of girl. Man they just get me going. Fun with a different style. Nobody wants that same old nice girl. (I don't, at least) And she just looks the perfect fit for me. However, my chances are non-existent at acquiring a back stage pass, meeting her, partying with her, or hooking up with her. If she ever reads this, Cassadee all I want to do is meet you and maybe have a cocktail or 7. Here's hoping on November 23, I get luckier than I ever had.

Q: What is the best party city on each continent and can you rank them according to their world rankings?
--D. Hume, Island, Pacific Ocean.
A: Here we go. America: Vegas. Asia: Bangkok, Thailand. Europe: Amsterdam, Holland. Australia: Sydney. South America; Rio de Jianerio, Brazil. Africa: CapeTown, South Africa. Here's where they'd rank against each other.
1. Rio (Hands down, by far)
2. Amsterdam
3. Vegas
4. Bangkok (very close to 3rd)
5. Capetown
6. Sydney

Q: Is there any sort of rule in regards to two buddies going after the same drunk girl at a bar? Does it matter who came in first or anything like that? Also, if I win, how do I get her to do anal on the first night?
--M. Bay, Santa Fe, NM.
A: The rules are this: whoever has her when you leave the bar, wins. Not that you're a game ladies. But anything that happens in the bar is fair game. If a girl leaves the bar with you, that's who she's chosen. You lose, tough luck. At most bars, there's more than one drunk attractive girl. Don't be a pussy.

Q: My girlfriend's "women fluids" taste like booze when I'm down under. Should I be worried that she's a) possibly an alcoholic or b) she's switching to some disgusting fruity booze that I can't stand?
--S. Soo-Choo, Cleveland, OH.
A: Her problems are her problems, but if you really have a problem with it, tell her to at least drink it with pineapple juice. It's supposed to make the "fluids' taste better for males or females. As for her being an alcoholic, it's her liver. Probably your benefit, since she'll be drunk and horny every night.

Q: Is getting drunk and fucking after meeting a girl/guy at the bar that night really a good idea? I mean, isn't this how terrible things happen?
--A. Sharpton, New York, NY.
A: You sir, have either never done it or you did it once and got an STD or got her pregnant. What's wrong with a little fun? Sex is natural. People that place such a big deal on it are just prudes. Wear a condom and you'll be fine. Don't deprive men of their natural pastime.

Q: I just wanted to say thank you very much for your advice the other day. I totally went for this drunk chick at the bar and went home with her. The sex was AH-mazing. She did things in bed I'd never even dreamed possibly. Thank you for your advice, which led to the best night of my life. What's your best drunken sex story?
--B. Clinton, Queens, NY.
A: Of my best drunken sex stories, i'm not sure I'd put the word "best" in front of any of them. Although one of my lady friends in Amsterdam, who was rather cute, did a shot with me beforehand. I was already drunk/high as it was. But I always appreciated that shot. It's almost like she wanted me to last longer, even the circumstances dictated that she usually wouldn't. I tipped her well.

Q: If you were arrested in Saudi Arabia for drinking and having sex with a Saudi (both illegal for foreigners), who would be your one phone call? If it was a Saudi model, would you lie and say you didn't have sex with her to reduce your sentence? Just remember, the whole world is watching.
--Y. Arafat, Jerusalem, Israel.
A: Take the jail time. My one call would be to either the UN or the American Embassy in Saudi Arabia. Guys like me predictably wouldn't last very long in a Saudi prison. I would definitely never lie about the sex though. With a Arab model? How many people does that happen to on a visit to Saudi Arabia ever? Eight? I'll rot in jail for an extra few months if it meant international recognition. Then girls would be like , "Oh, well she's very attractive and she had sex with him. Maybe there's something there." For. The. Win.

Q: What are 10 rules all women should follow regarding sex? Not random sex, I'm talking like boyfriend sex. Or meaningful sex.
--U. Jimenez, Denver, CO.
A: Great question. And here comes a great answer.
1. When your time of the month hits you, don't get mad at us masturbating if you're not going to give us head.
2. You know why you always make the move? Because we're 7/11, open 24/7 for business. So make the move.
3. Don't ask if we want to have anal sex. We do.
4. If you give us head during halftime of a football/soccer game, we'll watch that America's Top Model marathon with you all night.
5. Surprise role play is better than just asking us what we want. Also, it's a good way to get us away from the TV.
6. Don't ever talk about your ex's/previous sex partners before/after/during sex. We're the one inside you now. Talk about us.
7. When it comes to dirty talk, there is no such thing as too dirty.
8. If we finish too early, don't patronize us with stuff like "oh, it hurts after a while anyway." you're just making it worse.
9. If we "landscape" down there and you don't, don't expect any favors to get returned.
10. Never, under any circumstance, tell us you don't enjoy giving head. Based on how good it makes us feel, you should enjoy it a little.

Ah sex and booze, a combination that cannot be beat. I hope you enjoyed that mailbag, especially since you can't wait 3 freakin' days for it. I think it was up to my high standards of fake comedy. But now, ladies and gents, I'm off to the races trying to find something to occupy my days besides writing about drunk sex. I won't let that deter you from the inner workings of my brain here at the blog, don't worry. Until you read me next time, hasta luego, senoritas.