Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: Fight to the Finish

Welcome ladies and men to the final real-time pom pom review. And we can all breathe a little deeper knowing that, although the Bring it On series is over, it still lives on in our hearts. I figured Id finish this segment while I still have time on my hands so let's get right down to brass tacks and watch some cheerleading I'm psyched. Drunk Real-Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On 438

00:00:00: It doesn't matter what I'm drinking since, when you're watching Bring It On 5, everything taste like dog pee. Not coincidently, I think my dad's girlfriend's dog that we're watching just peed on my bedroom rug. That's dynamite.

00:00:30: Hmmm Christina Milian is the lead. She's looking OK.

00:01:24: Stereotypical black people face off versus male latin gang members in a cheer off. I'm not joking.

00:02:09: Is it ironic when Mexicans wear wife beaters while dancing to "Lean Like a Cholo"?

00:02:42: More dancing. It could be worse, they could be acting.

00:03:12: Oh it's a dream and Christina's pissed her mom married a gringo. So cliche.

00:03:45: Poor her. She has to go live in Malibu. That's the worst.

00:04:40: Last day in East LA. Do white people actually marry latina women? Ay yay yay overpopulationa.

00:05:32: These people are making it hard to make fun of them by not doing anything. Do something.

00:06:15: Oh here we go. This guy does a head bob everytime he ends a sentence. I wonder where he got that habit....

00:06:49: Now they're going through security to get into class. I remember this one time at my high school, we all had to stay in line for a fire drill. That's kinda similar, no?

00:07:55: Latin people sure do have big butts. That's all I got.

00:08:27: A "cheer-wreck" and "cheer-ocide" is more like it, morons.

00:09:00: I think I could jump through those girls earings. OOOOO sexy latin music in spanky shorts. This rum is starting to taste good.

00:09:49: Hmmm yeah wipe yourself off girl. Wipe that sweat all over. Wait thats gross.

00:10:27: Broken spanish, so heartwarming as Christina says goodbye to beautiful Compton.

00:11:09: Pan out and we get a nice little view of LA. Or Salt Lake City, whatever they could afford probably.

00:11:59: I like her silver belt. So shiny.

00:12:36: This is alot sadder than the other Bring It On's. I know...shocking.

00:13:11: What the hell is this ginger doing here? Don't they know this is about disadvantaged minorities overcoming possible odds?!

00:14:00: Damn that girl is like really ginger. It's like they put makeup on her to make her more ginger. But how can you take away more of a soul that's not there?

00:14:36: Chrissy's wearing an "I'm so gangster" shirt. I think if you have to wear that shirt, you're as gangster as me when I had blonde hair.

00:15:11: Ginger's got a cheer cabinet full of cheer trophies. WILL THEY LEARN TO CHEER-SPECT EACH OTHER?

00:15:55: Three Jaguar's pull up in a row and the girls that get out....guess their nicknames....yup, The Jaguars. AND they're cheerleaders.

00:16:40: Bicker Bicker Bicker Wah Wah Wah. I can smell the menstruation.

00:17:30: Oh, they're Cuban. I'd smoke you, but that'd be illegal. Nope, that was too much. Terrible, Mike.

00:18:11: Preppy guy named Evan is wearing neon under a sweater with weird hair. My guess: closeted man-lover.

00:19:09: Label-whores. I don't get the nickname "Jalepeno," is that some sorta Malibuian thing?

00:19:55: Good point. Why DO people say No Offense then just offend you? Life lessons from the Asian nerd with a lisp!

00:20:39: Hydraulics leads to a sex joke leads to my second drink.

00:21:41: She gets to take a limo home? This bitch is mopey for a Cuban. Does that make sense?

00:22:20: Now the ginger looks ever LESS ginger. These makeup people need to fiiiiiired

00:22:59: White people dancing in yellow. At least Christina has hear cleavage hanging out. Why do latin people wear such annoying earrings. They're distracting me from her boobs.

00:23:58: She's gonna fall for the man-lover. Could've called that one. And Christina shoots a basketball like my girlfriend shoots....you know what? I'm gonna stop there. (Hint: I was gonna say pool. POCKET POOL! BWAHAHAHHAHA!)

00:24:59: Damn I need to get her personal trainers number. But how can she do all these cheers while not looking at them and being with them for the first time? I'll let it go, since the rest of the movie is Oscar quality.

00:25:49: Christina made the team and was named team captain. Captain of Latin-Boobville.

00:26:22: Anyone ever have Cuban food? I have a hankering for some Cuban Fish Tacos. (note: vagina references are always funny)

00:27:16: Hahaha the horn was a Mexican Hat Dance. But they're CUBAN.

00:28:01: No cheerleader left behind. That's been the plan from day 1, darling. That's why we let it go that you're all dumb.

00:28:44: A Dora the Explorer reference....can't go wrong there. (the sad thing is, I'm not joking.)

00:29:19: OK, you can't just put the word cheer in front of everything. Cheerbarasment? Look in the mirror, everyone in this movie.

00:30:00: A lot more cleavage and skankiness in this one. Hooray!

00:30:30: Sea Lions vs. Jaguars! I'd like to see who'd win....UNDERWATER!

00:31:01: That's not the only reason that girl dances with her tongue out!

00:31:29: That girl needs a tummy tuck. Oh don't act like I'm vain. 104 pounds is too much and you know it.

00:32:34: What's that girl complaining about? Christina is rocking it like T-Party. Is that a rapper? It should be. Think about it.

00:33:29: All her friends are moving into their Malibu house. Not stereotypical latinos at all. Next they'll be carpooling!

00:34:19: Shake what yo' mama gave you? They're white, silly Latins! You get butts, we get money.

00:34:55: How does this Cuban dude have sick rims/hydraulics and a customized license plate? Oh wait, he bummed some cash for gas. Back to normal.

00:35:45: I think man-lover and Christina are cheersexing. DIRTY!

00:36:28: Oh man-lover and the weird latino dude are bonding.

00:37:09: A latin bro? Can I be a white homey?

00:38:00: Pathetic, man-lover. Say something charming already and charm me. I mean Christina.

00:38:38: Basketball game. Cheering at halftime. Wait, I don't get it....why are the Latin girls from Compton at the Malibu school? I'll let it go, but only because I'm expecting big things from this franchise in the future.

00:39:44: Say what you will about bitches, they sure are hotter than nice girls.

00:40:30: Classic sea-lion vs. jaguar battle. WHO WILL RULE THE ANIMAL KINGDOM OF THE MALIBU JUNGLE?

00:40:54: The only time "This is sea lion territory" have ever been uttered in the history of cinema.

00:41:38: Chiquita Banana? Classic!

00:42:09: I just checked....this movie is 110 minutes! What happened to my mericful 90 minute runtimes?

00:43:11: How DO latin girls move their hips like that? Who cares. Why am I questioning perfecton.

00:44:00: Lisp Fried Rice is getting down with the Latin Kings. It's not racist if it's delicious.

00:44:50: I think Christina is wearing glitter as a top. What would your mother say? (Thanks for the free money, Christina chiciquita bonita)

00:45:48: Man-lover is wearing a fedora. I love fedoras. Their like the white sombreros.

00:46:18: Lisp asian is hot now. And I haven't even had any sake yet.

00:47: 22: You just can't be looking at people? This is stranger than that time I got lost and asked for directions to Anchorage and the guy told me to "Just take Lake Shore Drive 3 miles north." Is there cocaine in my rum?

00:48:49: Graffiti jeans! The new trend in East Los. Catch ON NOW

00:49:14: I never thought I'd say this, but that is one badass plant.

00:49:30: Hold your chest up. Take Christina's advice, all girls that are reading this. A push up bra wouldn't hurt either.

00:50:30: Christina wears alot of Abercrombie for someone from Compton.

00:51:01: And with a little inspiration, the reject cheerleaders are now professional dancers. It's a Malibuiricle!

00:51:38: A Cheer-gasm has made it's first appearance and it's because of a guy in pink. I mean....he's gotta love cock.

00:52:49: How is the ginger this pale? She lives OFF THE BEACH.

00:53:28: How come gay boys always get the hottest girls? Am I right, men?

00:54:22: Acoustic guitar? They should've just casted John Mayer in the role of douchebag metrosexual.

00:55:19: That is some epic bird shit that ruined a kiss. Thank god.

00:55:40: MONTAGE TO CHEESY POP MUSIC ON THE BEACH. WELCOME TO THE OC, BITCH.

00:56:39: Haha the United Nations. Cause they're all minorities. Hahaha.

00:57:23: Hold up, I'm tweeting.

00:58:30: Debate about Tila Tequila's nationality. Whore isn't a nationality, girls.

00:59:19: Bluetooth: still only for douchebags.

00:59:40: I'm switching to beer. I'm sorry, I"m just running out of my dad's free booze. And I'm pretty drunk.

01:00:23: Evil plotting.

01:01:31: Illegal cheer-igrants?

01:01:45: Man-Lover feels like Cinderella. My theory is holding more water than a 8-month pregnant fat girl.

01:02:45: Illegal transfers! The team is ruined. Typical sea lions! Always getting into near-extinction!

01:03:55: Polka dot dress. Really, ginger girl? You can afford better. AND WITH THAT COMPLEXTION! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!

01:04:49: Ginger just did a absolutely hideous impression of a Latin Robot Girl. Thank god Christina at least called out her dress. And a pop song by Christina herself comes on. How talented.

01:05:55: A Cuban sewing for free? Not stereotypical.

01:06:18: Ginger makeover! Guess what? You still don't have a soul beneath that makeup and yellow polka dots! I don't care how cute as a button you look!

01:07:40: Wow. Leather pants are really bringing out the ass in ass.

01:08:29: Tuck in your shirt with that tie, man-lover.

01:09:23: Lisp Fried Rice was going for sizzling. Only if there's shrimp that comes with you.

01:09:44: LADY GAGA PLAYS AS WE JUST DANCE OUR BAD ROMANCE AWAY FROM THE PAPARRAZI WHILE SHOWING OUR POKER FACES ON OUR TELEPHONES. Shit now I seriously feel like dancing.

01:10:48: I feel a dance off coming on I was in a dance-off once. I didn't win. I know, you're shocked like you're on the electric chair.

01:11:45: If this is a dance-off, what's a dance-on?

01:12:22: Drive by's and chickens. That sounds fun to me, I don't know why white bitch be hatin'.

01:13:03: Christina doens't like being insulted. I do.

01:13:58: Christina just broke up with man-lover. Better than catching him with a failed actor in a cheap bar bathroom.

01:14:40: You can't desert the sea lions. You've already abandonded the chinchillas and look what happened to them!

01:14:41: I'm not ever sure what that meant.

01:15:55: Beautiful courtyard montage. BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS FTW.

01:16:33: They're all quitting the cheer thing. Quitting is so lame. That's why you're in Bring it On 5.

01:17:19: Holy shit the ginger is going crazy with the latina lingada on the white bitches.

01:18:33: I tihnk they just took a limo to East LA, which is about as smart as taking a limo to East LA.

01:19:59: Too much latin music. I don't understand you, go back to your country, white power.

01:20:35: They're all-stars now. So what, I think Jon Lieber made an All-Star Team.

01:21:44: HOw does dancing in East LA help you dance like you're from East LA? Maybe if I moved to Cuba, it would help learn me to be poor. Wait, it probably would. This movies too long.

01:22:45: They all screamed something, but like Baxter the Dog, I don't speak spanish.

01:23:15: Is there a difference between dancing and cheerleading? Me thinks the movie dost protest too much! Sorry, I had to get a Shaekspeare reference in there.

01:24:09: Sometimes you just gotta pin Christina against a locker and kiss her, even though you like penis in your mouth.

01:25:38: Cheerchampionships, Day 1. Wait...there's more than one day of this? God, I hope my children are boys or fat girls.

01:26:19: Seriously, how do you get your abs like that? I used to do 200 situps a day and nothing. Whatever. (eats Haagen Dasz)

01:27:33: WHOA! Forever the Sickest Kid's song "Whoa Oh" is in this movie! That's number 4 on iTunes top 25 most played! Yikes I feel gay!

01:28:50: Toshiba latops. For your cheering needs. ugh, sorry, I'm really running on fumes here.

01:29:29: Hey they made the finals, go figure. And that host from Dancing With the Stars that has boobs talks to me for a second. Eh get a facial.

01:30:25: Lisp Fried Rice all the sudden is hot, limber and I wanna ban......ahhhhh oops.

01:32:22: I haven't really been paying attention because my Heineken was hard to open. The Jaguars did good though. What if one of them got in a car accident and had to drive a Mazda. Would they be the Jagzda's. ugh I really wanted that to turn into a sex joke but i couldn't find it. That's what she said! Haha there I found it.

01:33:29: The ginger's wearing glitter on her face....BUT I CAN STILL SEE HER FRECKLES EWWWW! (Jillie, tell Lucy I'm kidding)

01:34:10: Booty dancing is not chering. NONE of this is. It's just dancing and leg-spreading. Well, I have no problem with that really.

01:35:10: More dancing. If you care, I hate you.

01:36:00: I fast-forwarded to the end of their routine. Sorry, I'm cooking dinner too. I'm domestic like this.

01:36:49: Christina and her ghetto crew won it all. Hooray. Color me drunk. I can't really blame them though, it's not like the makers of this movie were like "hey some drunk guy is gonna real time blog these while drinking let's cater to him!"

01:37:45: That's a big ass trophy. Goes well with their big asses.

01:38:00: Holy shit they're eating Flipsides! Half-pretzel/half-cracker, how can you lose?! YOU CAN'T!

01:38:49: There's some Christina Milian music video but if you think I'm gonna live-blog that shit, you're drunker than an Amish person at Rumspringa. How the FUCK do I know that?

That's it's we're all done. That Asian is sure still hot. Jillie (my beautiful gf).....get this Asians number. What? I thought you loved threesome jokes.