Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: In It To Win It

The titles just get more and more creative, don't they? Well, the segment you all know (perhaps love?) is back for a limited time. I think this is the second to last in the monumental Bring It On series, so I'll try and finish what I started. After all, nobody likes a quitter. Here we go with Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: In It to Win It

00:00:00: I'm drinking Vodka Martinis. Class class class.

00:00:01: This has a "N/A" on Rotten Tomatoes, so I'm holding out hope that his will be the Citizen Kane of straight-to-DVD cheerleader movies.

00:00:24: What morons are renting this after the three other ones? (*looks in mirror*)

00:01:04: There isn't a hair on screen that isn't blonde.

00:01:33: Script by Mike's Former Gym Teacher

00:02:04: Cheerleader in a Jason mask. What? (Checks title of movie.) Oh yeah, nevermind.

00:03:12: Cheerleading camp is not fun. Tell it, cliche black girl!

00:03:40: "Dibs on their entrails." I swear, that just happened.

00:04:20: Epitomized? That's a pretty big word for Bring It On 4.

00:05:57: That is the blondest blonde I've ever blonded.

00:06:18: Note to self: Guerillia Warfare does NOT involve actual gorillas.

00:07:00: How come girls didn't have these kinda boobs in high school? Would have been such a better excuse for me not getting laid.

00:07:44: I don't think that's the right way to say "you've got skid marks."

00:08:30: This guy is like half-Indian, half-Vietnamese with a rat tail. Which is funny, because Veitnamese eat rat. It's like he's eating his own hair! EWWWWW!

00:09:39: Do girls actually like licking ass? That's gross, ladies. Oh wait, she said abs.

00:10:55: It's true, girls, guys do hate biters.

00:11:31: Sue me, so far I like it.

00:11:59: This girl's name is Chicago? I know black ppl like to be creative, but c'mon.

00:12:50: That'd be hotter if you were in a skirt, darling.

00:13:44: That stick she's holding is full of spirit, alright. And you'll get to feel it's aura all night. (Get it? It was a sex joke.)

00:14:33: The Cheer Gods? Are they named "Like" "Totally" and "Whatever"?

00:14:55: Girl just slapped her ass. BRB.

00:15:42: Inter-cheer-racial relationship. You see, it's funny because their cheerleaders.

00:16:45: Apparently, one of these girls is Ashley Tisdale's sister. I can only imagine that phone call: "Hey, Ashley, wanna do Bring It On 4? Oh ok, can you hand the phone to your sister?"

00:17:38: Cheer skirts, that's better. Don't worry, they're all 18. At least....shit, no more sex jokes.

00:18:39: Points will be deducted for bad facials. Wait...is this porn?

00:19:16: That's not dancing. That's the move I like to call "I'm a Slut So I Call Shaking My Ass Dancing"

00:20:12: Smile, emo girl. JESUS she's wearing vampire teeth. Note to self: Make sure my girlfriend doesn't turn emo.

00:21:00: Drink #2, on it's way. Too early for another drink? Shut up, you're not watching Bring It On 4.

00:21:01: Side Note: Can you use black olives for martinis? If not, I just wasted a ton of vodka.

00:21:15: Fairy Gothmother? Shut up and keep looking good in that bikini.

00:21:57: Cheer off on the beach. Written exculsively by 4th Grader Susie Johnson.

00:23:02: Popped a chubber. Classy way of saying you just got a boner.

00:23:40: This gay guy is annoying. Not because he's gay, but because the guy who wrote this obviously has never met a gay person before.

00:24:32: One conversation with Rat-Tail and this girl's acting like she's in love. See, this is why I chose to be abstinent in high school.

00:25:30: Fire, water, earth and air with the Spirit Stick in the center. cough*TheFifthElement*cough

00:26:40: Why can't I delete you? Funny, that's what I've been thinking for 27 minutes.

00:27:27: This is Romeo & Juliet, mixed with West Side Story, mixed with Down's Syndrome.

00:28:25: Wet T-Shirt Carwashes exist?!?! WHERE?!

00:29:00: Am I high or is that guy wearing a dog hat? WHOA nope. Dude just got his pants pulled off. That is NOT a dog.

00:30:15: Rat tail and the blonde are going on a 40 year long walk. Whatever, I'd still rather be watching this than Dear John.

00:31:01: Asian just made a karate joke. Then got a kiss. How come my karate jokes never work?

00:31:50: This is by far the gayest Latino on the planet.

00:32:34: The Rat Tail Asian wants to dance with the Jewish Princess. Reminds me of my first time. What?

00:33:33: Is that a cameraman in the CENTER OF THE SHOT? Oh wait they mean for us to see it. By "us" I mean "me" since no sane person would ever get this from Netflix.

00:34:38: Somebody jacked the spirit stick. Ha. Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhaha. BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

00:35:23: OK, I'll say it. Somebody get Ashley Tisdale's sister a lead role in a serious dramatic movie. It'll win Best Comedy at the Golden Globes for sure.

00:36:48: What accent is this woman doing? Southern? Moroccan? Chilean? That would explain the earthquake. What? Too soon?

00:37:45: Hey, you can't go down head first down the slide? Someone kick the gay Latino out of the waterpark!

00:38:17: Now bad things are happening to all of them since they lost the spirit stick. you make your own luck ladies, just ask Dusty Baker in October 2003. JACKASS MOTHERFUCKER.

00:39:28: Wow, those are some nice eyes. I mean, it's not so often you see an Asian guy with baby blues. Whoa shit I'm typing this aren't I....

00:40:25: They are circling a bonfire....doing a "cheersacrifice"....please let it be me.

00:41:00: I wish I had that "Sassy Broadway Show Tunes" CD. I mean, I've been listening to the Wicked soundtrack lately and...it's delightful.

00:42:00: No. They're actually doing it. They are re-enacting a scene from West Side Story. Western Civilization = Over. Kill me. WHO WROTE THIS AND SAID HEY JOHN LETS RE-ENACT WEST SIDE STORY BECAUSE THIS IS BRING IT ON 4 AND WE NEED TO BRING IT!

00:43:12: Chugging faster in hopes that I will blackout from this horrible, horrible scene.

00:44:44: That girl's reading The Art of War. Come to meeeeeeeeeee.

00:45:19: Girl is having a dream about being cheerleading bums. But actually bums. Have you ever seen Evil Dead 2? I feel like it's that, but more......there really is no word. It's just fucking retarded.

00:46:40: DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR CHEER DREAMS! I NEED TO FINISH THE VODKA!

00:47:00: Switching to Red Bull/Vodka. It can't be any worse than the Black Olive Dirty Martini I just had. OR CAN IT? Stay tuned.

00:47:44: Stupid whores. That's all.

00:48:20: Hilary Duff Light? More like Hilary Duff Caffeine Free Diet Light.

00:49:00: Enemies becoming friends. Lovely.

00:49:59: God, I can't stop staring at Tisdale's boobs. Shit, I'm typing again aren't I?

00:50:44: We're the "Shets." Apparently, this is the best combination of Sharks and Jets. Not Sharts?

00:51:55: Booty dancing practice. My favorite kind of practice. Besides sex practice. That's funner.

00:52:31: I don't like this guy's mohawk. It makes him look like a rat-tailed half-Asian wannabee. What? It's not racist if it's true.

00:53:35: So mammy bobbs....so close to each other....must...sign up...for cheer squad...

00:54:28: Tisdale's wearing a lei. Ha. I'd lei her. Get it? I'm pretty clever.

00:55:33: Tisdale's being nice to Rat Tail. I don't like this side of her. I used to know you, Ashley Tisdale's sister.

00:56:20: That is his loss, if you are indeed double jointed, Ms. Tisdale. Meanwhile, my number's 630267941........

00:57:00: "Drinking 40's out the nipple" aka my new life motto.

00:57:45: A black girl that annunciates? hahahahaha. It just keeps getting less realistic!

00:58:34: They're all going around talking about their deepest secrets. It's like that day I saw a divorce therapist and then watched Space jam. Damn, Space Jam FUCKING RULES!

00:59:55: The gay latino is straight. Literally. And now he's getting attacked. Well played, not gay Latino. Well played.

01:00:55: Rat tail's telling Army dad about cheer camp. Rough. FATHER'S SHOULD ACCEPT THEIR SONS. NO MATTER WHAT!

01:01:59: OK, we get it Latino boy, you're not gay. But you are.

01:03:00: Why are they salsa dancing while moaning? Porn?

01:03:54: There's a straight closet, eh? Well, I'm out ladies. Dig in.

01:04:30: The worst. Montage. Ever.

01:05:04: Tisdale quotes The Art of War then walks away with taht fineeeeeee asss. Ugh. Jillie? We need to talk....about how great you are! (Whew....)

01:06:19: It's cheer recon spy shit. I feel liek I'm watching The Bourne Idiocy.

01:07:40: The opposing squad is in "Cheertopia." Meanwhile, I wish I was dead.

01:08:40: Tisdale's hat is bomb. Yeah, I'm down with today's lingo. Shut up, 20 year old haters.

01:09:26: "Straight" Latino's Hawaiian shirt makes me think he might be lying about....something....

01:10:25: I'm really wishing I was a cheerleader. It's so fun!

01:11:28: here we go, cheer camp championships! Why are there so many Asians?

01:12:30: Whoa, black guy didn't stick the landing. That's a points deduction for sure.

01:13:00: I can think of other things you can do while spreading those legs mid-air. But this is a family blog.

01:13:40: People live in South Dakota? I thought that was a myth.

01:14:02: I like making Vodka/Red Bull at home because at the bars it's like $9 for one. But if you do it at home, you just have to buy a Red Bull, which is like $4 and vodka, which is like....shit. It's probably the same. Fuck.

01:14:44: Jumping up and down = not that hard when you're makign a low budget cheer movie.

01:15:07: The following things were said in order: "Cheersaster," "Cheertastrophe," and "Cheerpocolypse of the sun." Ok, i'll give you the last one. I like that movie. It's just as mind-blowing....just in a....completely different way.

01:16:00: A Cheertage! See, i can do it tooo! Hehe haha.

01:16:39: The Mighty Flamingos? SnickerSnickerSnickerSnickerSnickerSnicker

01:17:34: OK I just have to say it. I wanna do strange things to Tisdale. I'm sorry, my girlfriend, but shes hot and BAM she's on my celeb list. So it's not cheating. Kinda.

01:19:09: SO MUCH PINK! HOW DO I FEEL THIS GOOD SOBERRRRRRRRRR

01:20:17: Rat tail and blondie fall in love. God damn, it's like Cinderella but....(LINE!)...less enchanting.

01:21:00: The Sharts start to perform. Noseplugs ready, people!

01:21:46: Lots of boobs and butts...some cute, some not. Other than that, IDK. Goth girl's looking like pretty do-able at this point. (Stares at drink) Mmmmmmmmm

01:22:50: Do cheerleaders like anal more than regular girls do? Sure seems like it from this scene.

01:23:55: Whoa. They got that move from a roller coaster. It's as dumb as it sounds, don't worry.

01:24:55: Cheer CAmp Competion = The Most Important Thing EVER.

01:25:34: South Dakota came in 3rd place. It's their new state motto.

01:26:00: The good guys won. Today was a fairy tale. Taylor Swift. What? Hmmmm

01:26:40: Rat-tail gets a makeout. And then they are in photoshopped London!

01:27:00: IT'S THE REAL ASHLEY TISDALE! SINGING HER HIT SINGLE "He said, She said." (Secretly likes it...)

01:27:56: The movie is over. Go away.

Also, Netflix: If this DVD smells like Vodka or Red Bull or Both, it wasn't me. It was Shaggy.