Q: My girlfriend is Jewish and I'm a Christian. We're a relatively new couple. How do we go about exchanging presents? Do I really have to do the Chanukah thing?
--L. DiCaprio, Bangladesh, India.
A: As with everything in a relationship, this situation requires compromise. I obviously included this question to brag about how I'm giving my Jewish lady 8 separate gifts. Just make 5 or 6 small gifts, without spending much (if any) money, and give her something really good for the last few. You don't have to--but I don't know, maybe she'll like it. I think you should just get an X-Mas present buddy. Don't be greedy--you could be single on Christmas instead.
Q: Are there are songs you have a problem with at the moment? I just don't understand the trends these days, I guess.
--J. Jonas, Salt Lake City, Utah.
A: I like the song "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha but I have problems galore with it. There are as follows:
"Wake up in the morning feelin' like P-Diddy": How they hell do you know what P-Diddy feels like in the morning? Maybe he gets migraines! And this has been at least 10 people's Facebook statuses since the song came out. I'm glad I get to picture those people waking up as 40-year old black guy that may or may not be a murderer (RIP Biggie Smalls)
"Kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger": WHAT?! Mick Jagger is in his 60s and his face looks like a catchers mitt used in the Civil War. Are you a 70-year old British widow, Ke$ha? Your taste in men is questionable, AT BEST! I don't want to even be friends with you if you really think this.
"Boys trying to touch my junk": If you have junk, that STILL doesn't explain the Mick Jagger line. Couldn't you have used a word that didn't remind me of a penis? Like "Vagina"?
There I'm done. This is what I think about while listening to rap music.
Q: I wanna throw a big holiday party. But I don't want it to be that tacky sweater party thing, that's so overdone. Any ideas?
--S. Cruise, Hollywood.
A: As usual, you've come to the right place. Throw a Gangsta and Ho's Kwanza party. Sure, maybe it's a little racist. But it'll be damn fun. And there's nothing wrong with a little racism as long as it's tasteful. And it definitely is in this instance.
Q: Let's make up a drunken holiday sex position.
--Anonymous.
A: Yes. Let's call it the MeWhorah. It involves all 8 limbs. I'll let the rest of the readers know how it goes.
Q: I heard Ron Artest used to drink Hennessey during halftime of games when he was playing for the Bulls. Do you think this hurt or improved his performance?
--M. Thatcher, Washington, DC.
A: It sure explains alot. I mean, how could it hurt really? Do you really need coordination in basketball? I played basketball high once. Made 4 three-pointers in a row. Then again, I played it high again and passed to a guy who was out of bounds and not even playing--twice.
Q: What are your thoughts on handjobs? And just to tie it to alcohol, what's better a handjob from a girl who is doing it oh-so-wrong while sober or doing it yourself while drunk?
--S. Kolber, Bristol, CN.
A: My thoughts on handjobs is that they are better if the girl is using her mouth. As for your second question, I think that, as good as masturbating can be, it's a lonely endeavor. So I would begrudgingly take the bad handy over my handy 9 times out of ten. Just nudge her head downward with your hand. Maybe she'll get the hint.
Q: How bad is it really for a diabetic to drink? On top of that, is there anyway we can swap Jay Cutler's insulin with rubbing alcohol and bring back #8?
--R. Grossman, Houston, TX.
A: I never wanted Rex to leave. The Master of Sulking Jay Cutler should be fed some of Ron Artest's halftime Hennessey until his blood-sugar can't TAKE IT ANYMORE! AHHHH SCREW YOU CUTLER! MAYBE IF YOU COULD PASS SOMETIMES MATT FORTE WOULDN'T BE THE WORST PICK IN THE HISTORY OF MY FANTASY FOOTBALL LIFE! ARGHHHH!!!
Q: How bad could mixing Red Bull and alcohol really be for you? I mean, COME ON!
--W. Arnett, Santa Barbara, CA.
A: Well, it can't be good for you. But I will say that I know Red Bull can make you feel alot less drunk than you actually are. Who the hell wants to feel less drunk? Skanks and ho's, that's who.
Q: So the other night I'm going to town on my girlfriend. You know, the Tuesday ritual. AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT? I mean, she's already had like 9 Jagerbombs and about to pass out right when I OOPS in her eye. What ways can I rectify this situation without her doing it back in my eye?
--S. Douche, Trenton, NJ.
A: I recommend, to you and my readers, that you watch The Jersey Shore, Thursdays on MTV. It's the best piece of trash TV that I could ever think. It's a bunch of tan, sterotypical bro guidos from Jersey, the crappiest state in the Union, on a Real World like show or something. Just watch it. It can't possibly fail as a show. And to answer the question: that's what you get for dating a squirter. Sucks, BRAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Q: SACRE BLEU! I heard aboot youur Francais and Eireland situation in el Soccer game. NO WORLD CUP FOR THE DIRTY IRISH!
--P. Garcon, Indianapolis, IN.
A: You can die and I'll be happy. I'm over it. NO I'M NOT! SCREW YOU, YOU FRENCH SKANK! I HOPE YOU LOSE TO SLOVENIA 7-0 IN THE FIRST ROUND!
Q: Carrot Top called. He wants his jokes back.
--C. Top, IDK.
A: Garfield called. Said you should stop using his pubic hair on your head.
Q: If Titans running back LenDale White can lose weight only drinking tequila, can I lose weight only drinking absinthe? (Also, maybe LenDale should go back to beer. He sucks now.)
--C. Johnson, Nashville, TN.
A: The only thing you're going to lose while drinking absinthe is your mind. It's like liquid speed that gets you drunk. Kind of like Red Bull/Vodka, but much more disgusting. Just stick to tequila. "The LenDale White Cuervo Diet" works every time. You can't mix the tequila though--it has to be drunk straight. (What, can't handle the Jose? Then stay fat!)
Q: While stalking your girlfriends Facebook (I'm friends with EVERYYYYYBODY!), I saw that she wants to rub some guys magic lamp. BWAHAHAHAH! HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL SUCKAAAAAAA?!?!
--C. SexOffender, Hoboken, NJ.
A: Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa. Whoa. Maybe she was talking about my magic lamp. Even if she is talking about some other dude's magic lamp, I don't currrrrrrrrrr. She has more inside jokes with her friends than.....well, I was gonna say a chatty sorority girl but....yeahhhhhhh. GET OFF HER FACEBOOK FOOL!
Q: What's better: Drunk Mall Santa or Drunk Rabbi?
--J. Goldstein, New York, NY.
A: Drunk Rabbi. I already see enough drunk fat people all year, just because the dude's got facial hair and is dressed in read, it's funny? Nope. I'd rather have the funky hair, yamukah, and Torah while singing "O Chanukah O Chanukah" after 5 bottles of wine.
Q: With the decade winding down, I feel like you may need to do some sort of "Best of the Decade" list(s). How bout giving us some sort of sample in the mailbag?
--J. Ass, Donkeyville, Saudi Arabia.
A: Alright, since I'm a sucker for lists I'll bite. Here's my list of "5 Best Symbols You Can Make w/ Your Hands of the Decade":
1) GUNFINGAZ
2) 3OH!3
3) Shocker
Q: What's the protocol for asking a girl to "ti**y f*ck"? I mean, is there a kosher way of saying, i.e. a non-disgusting/offensive way of asking?
--B. Folds, Wichita, KS.
A: Unfortunately, there is no protocol for asking about this. Just like Anal, there is no way to approach the subject except when your in the moment. If the sex is going good or you've done well beneath the line de waistino, girls will more be in the mood to experiment than if you ask them while eating dinner. "Hey, I think it'd be fun if we tried titty-fucking tonight. Can you pass the salt?" I think the salt will be passed. Into your face.
Q: So your girlfriend wants you to take your filter off. Answer me this then in the crudest way you possibly can: if you could pick one actress to star in a porno with, who would it be and give me a small play-by-play of a scene?
A: I really like quirk. So if I had to plow the fields of another, I'd say it'd be Zooey Deschanel. Perhaps not the most physically attractive girl but quirk makes up for alot in the looks department, for me at least. As for play-by-play, who else would give it but tried sex offender and NBA announcer Marv Albert:
Marv: We've got a good one for you in the Valley tonight, porn fanatics. For one night only, Zooey Deschanel gets the "hardest" role of her life: on her back, stomach, and who the hell knows where else?! Our star, Mike Dolan, has given us a short synopsis of his plan tonight.
Mike: Well, Marv, quite simply, Zooey's gonna gonna give me a Kablowey. See, that's funny because it feels good--and rhymes. Then to keep it going, Ms. Deschanel will ride the bejesus out of the good ol' Mechanical Bull while I'm on it with her. I really don't want to spoil it though Marv, it's gonna be like if (500) Days of Summer was a porn. Sweet, quirky, believable, and raunchy as all hell on earth.
Marv: WHOA! Come back in January for the release of (500) Days of C*m*ing. FOR THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Q: Who ruins Christmas more: The Grinch, Ebenezer Scrooge, or Hipsters who Complain about Commercialization?
--T. McLure, Shelbyville, MO.
A: Well, scrooge and the grinch are pretty bad. But who cares about commercialization? Whiny losers. People like to get stuff. Are you really gonna complain about how we're helping the economy and making people happy? Screw you and your screamo indie-rock.
Q: Can you rank the Ivy League School in terms of how drunk you think their students get, starting with the drunkest?
--J. Bon Jovi, London, MT.
A: There are 8. Drunkest is #1, etc and so forth.
1) Princeton (New Jersey. Probably do jagerbombs between classes)
2) Brown (Who goes to Brown? People that didn't get into Harvard and drink about it)
3) Columbia (In downtown New York. 'Nuff said.)
4) Dartmouth (What else is there in New Hampshire?)
5) Cornell (IDK. Just 'cause.)
6) Harvard (Sippin' on scotch in the lib.)
7) Yale (Too busy not letting people in)
8) Penn (Nickname: The Quakers.)
And a special final question:
Q: I've got gonorrhea. Last week, during a drunken hookup, some guy and me hooked up sans condom. Now, I'm probably never going to see this guy again. This already would be an embarrassing thing to admit without it be a drunken one-night stand. However, I know this guy can get around--even a few of my friends have hooked up with him--and I want to spare other girls the shame of having an STD. What's the best way to go about this situation?
--S. Scarim, Buffalo Grove, IL.
A: Listen, STD's are humiliating but you have to tell this guy ASAP. Like, yesterday. Chances are, alot more people get STDs than everyone realizes. It's just people never get tested and don't find out. Fuck them. They are ruining feel-good unprotected sex for everyone else. Go tell the douche he has gonorrhea. Hell, chances are he had it before you gave it to him if he's that much of a sleeper arounder. Just tell me you didn't make him go down on you...please....because....you know what? Don't tell me. EWWWWWWWWWWWW.
I WANT A QUESTION NOW EMILY!
That's the December again. Pretty raunchy, even for a mailbag. And as 75% of my girlfriend's family changes their point of view of me after reading this, I might as close with something nice. How bout a Christmas song? No? How bout a CHANUKAH SONG? YUP! L'cheim!
I NEED MORE TIME! You're putting a lot of pressure on my question. And I want it to be the best question ever for the best blog ever. duh.
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