00:00:00: I was led to believe that Hayden Peniteitjeitrre, the hot blonde chick from Heroes, was in this, but that's not until the next Bring it On. She must have a dynamite agent. Anyway, today I'm drinking Vodka/Red Bull, if for no other reason than to keep me awake. Also, I'll be drinking it through a straw to prove that doesn't get you drunk faster. Stay tuned. Or don't, I wouldn't.
00:00:45: Cheerleader tryouts in the dark. Now we're talking.
00:01:44: Blonde chick wakes up from her dream to arrive at college. SHE'S NERVOUS! HOPE SHE HAS HER CAT HANGING FROM A BRANCH POSTER THAT SAYS "HANG IN THERE!"
00:02:30: Hey that's Felicia Day! Ugh none of you know what I'm talking about.
00:03:11: Is cheerleading camp as fun as it sounds? Or am I dreaming again?
00:04:02: I'm not sure what's happening. It's that good.
00:04:44: The dude with pedo facial hair checking out the Blonde Bimbo main character looks like he's 40. It's never too late to get that degree, people.
00:06:09: Cheer sequence. The actoring cheerleaders are so good, I can't even understand what they're saying.
00:07:28: Speaking of perfect, have you ever checked out your own ass? Shakeaspeare is so jealous.
00:08:44: I mean, if a boy smiles at you, he likes you. Or, since he hasn't met you yet, he looks how you look. See how bad this movie is? It's hard to even be funny. I need to drink faster.
00:09:44: Hey look, cheerleading tryouts just got turned into "You Got Served 2."
00:10:54: Asian girl just puked at tryouts. Should've gone with the Sweet & Sour Chicken.
00:11:30: Girl needs to take off her bellybutton ring to do tryouts. i almost got a bellybutton ring in Greece, true story.
00:12:52: What's pink ink? I don't care.
00:14:28: What fucking Alumni cares about cheerleading championships and why would that make them donate? What a stupid college. Must be the ISU of California.
00:15:32: You can tell you the bitches are in this movie by whose wearing pearls. Pearls are hot. I like pearls. Girls who wear pearls are pretty. OK, I'm basically saying "Jillie, do you have any pearls?" at this point.
00:16:53: They literally just told the noobs to be the "bomb diggity." File that Under "How to Go Straight to DVD"
00:17:34: Pedo-Beard is back. Isn't that 18-year old freshmen a little bit old for you buddy?
00:17:51: His real name's Derek. I prefer Pedo-Beard.
00:18:25: Do you want to do something illegal? is always a good pickup line. On Blonde Bimbo, who asks after they jumped a fence "Are we allowed to be in here?" What a dumbass.
00:19:50; Pedo-Beard looks like a 80's porn star. Who casted this dude? Shave, you douchebag.
00:20:39: Are we gonna get some pool sex 20 minutes in? G-damn, I take it all back Bring it On 2.
00:21:59: Dialogue fail so bad I'm not even going to justify writing about it.
00:23:19: Not trying to be vain, but they could've casted hotter cheerleaders. Just saying.
00:23:59: Why's head cheerleader talking about a "Popov"? Isn't it a little early for vodka? Oh, she said pop-off.
00:25:15: Head cheerleader has a bigger office than the dean of my college has. I remember this one time I left a bag of dog poo in front of her door and lit on her fire and rang the doorbell. No I didn't, I'm a pussy.
00:26:24: Tina is a pretty bitchy name. Reminds me of that chick from the Love Boat. Shit, even I don't get that reference.
00:27:15: OK, this head cheerleader is bragging alot for a chick with a shitload of makeup and a pasty ass big ear face.
00:28:24: Blonde Bimbo just said "Britney's Back." If my girlfriend had twitter, she'd totally Re-Tweet that shit.
00:29:20: I didn't think you could say Bomb-Diggity three times in once sentence, but again, retarded people have proved me wrong.
00:29:52: MORGAN FROM CHUCK! Only Jeremy Kase will understand this.
00:30:14: Morgan is a DEADLY STINGER BITCH! Line of the movie, nothing will beat it. Now he's beat boxing. I love it. So worth being the first person to Netflix this movie.
00:31:44: All the mean people are laughing at Morgan and I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee it.
00:32:29: I wish I was watching this with a real cheerleading judge so I actually knew how bad these cheers were. "Like a bunch of 8th graders out there, really. Watkins, get me some more tea." Maybe one day.
00:33:39: Nobody says shizzle.
00:33:44: "OMG that was TDF, FYI" I had to put on subtitles just to get that. What does TDF mean? (urbandictionaries) Oh to die for. Whatev, LMO. That means let's move on, bitch.
00:35:28: Football players are so one-note. OH I CAN BENCH 220! OH WHAT BRO? OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH O HO H O HO HO H OH O HO H OHOH O HO H OH
00:36:49: I'd celebrate all over you too, black chick that looks like Will Smith's wife.
00:37:40: I would say soccer guys get more ass than football guys. Soccer guys aren't like HUGE, they are like the perfect size to catch all women's attractiveness. Whoa. This needs to end now.
00:38:50: Blonde Bimbo breaks up with Pedo-Beard to keep her spot on the CheerioBitchios. Shut Up, I know that sucked, I'm drunk.
00:39:50: I like pearls.
00:40:19: This is like a cheer off. I'm trying to decide if this is more or less retarded than the walk off in Zoolander.
00:41:39: Who names their kid Whittier? Is that even a name, or is that a pun? OH THEY'RE ALL QUITTING! There was just underboob by the way. Small victories, people.
00:42:58: Head Bitch is all depressed because the Blonde Bimbo quit. And is now eating a Chili dog. Nothing says "I'm Hot" like eating a high fat, gassy hot dog.
00:44:00: I ruined my entire life! Jesus, girls are so overdramatic. There are worse things than not cheerleading and having no boyfriend. Go to a party and you can find one, girl.
00:45:20: WHOA! The Blonde Bimbo is going rogue and cheering by herself at a baseball game! AND IT"S WORKING OMG
00:46:05: And it's willing the always exciting sport of girls softball to victory! Who cares!
00:46:50: It's as dumb as I thought, they're starting they're own squad. It's like Little Giants for stupid people.
00:47:38: BEcause, really, waht is a sign without glitter? NOTHING I SAY!! I got glitter for a Chanukah present. To make one, not like someone gave me it. Shut up Mike.
00:49:22: Does cheerleading really keep you psychially fit? I mean, it's not a sport. Neither is show choir. WHOA! Kidddddddddding.
00:50:44: They are telling a bunch of losers they could make nationals. They've never cheered before. That makes sense. Even to me.
00:51:30: Someone just said "ridic" and I'm really happy about that abreev.
00:52:44: Ahh, using the 80's theory of "you can learn anything in a montage, no matter how difficult," I see.
00:53:55: I literally am going to explode from bafflement. Is that a thing? I'm about to make it one.
00:54:49: Pedo-Beard guy makes his unriumphant return to the Oscar Worthy Film.
00:56:00: Pedo-Beard guy is being more dramatic than the cheerleaders. What a pussy. Get over it, it's not like you lost Jessica Alba or Jillie Mayer. (win)
00:57:18: Back-Ups are cheering for the croquet team. Hey, the croquet team should take it. When the hell are girls gonna cheer for them ever again?
00:58:29: Pedo-Beard shows up with thumping beats to will on the BackUp cheerblondes. And of course, that wills the croquet team to victory. That actually was pretty amusing. Sue me for enjoying it.
00:59:20: Switching to beer from redbull/vodka because, hey, a heart attack at 23 would be both potentially deadly and kind of embarassing to be honest. Like, come on Korey Stringer! (Tasteless joke, but laugh anyway)
01:00:49: Someone just told Pedo-Beard to shave and hey, it's about damn time in my case.
01:01:02: Make like a Tom and Cruise. Total win for the real cheerleaders. Puns are so funny.
01:01:40: What the fuck is an impasse?
01:02:49: The Dean is wearing a golf shirt that looks like Tiger Woods would use to clean his balls. Golf balls. Get your mind out of the gutter.
01:03:55: IT"S A CHEER OFF EVERYONE GET PUMPED LIKE A GUIDO AT THE JERSEY SHORE ON LABOR DAY!
01:04:40: Don't be all up in my kool-aid. Even Main Bitch doesn't know what it means and she majors in bitch-lingo.
01:05:30: Would you go to a inner-school cheer matchup? I mean, girls barely dressed but also....girls thinking they're doing something that matter that doesn't. (clarification: not that girls do nothing that matters. just that cheerleading doesn't. even show choir is more of a sport.)
01:06:50: I really like how the backups are cheering for the croquet team and the fencing team. That's just mainstream comedy at it's best right there people.
01:07:52: Some guy is named Francis. Poser. I'm the only Francis IN THESE HERE PARTS!
01:08:11: Francis is talking about violating himself. Also, I'm the only Francis allowed to do such things.
GUN
FING
AZ
01:09:28: Will Smith's Wannabe Daughter and some Poser Bitch fight, but Francis gets hit in the face. Ugh. Story of people named Francis' life.
01:10:29: I did Phantom of the Opera too in my dorm room once. I was gonna turn that into a sex reference but I didn't get laid at school til like junior year. I suck.
01:11:11: It's gonna be hard without Francis. Mmmhmm, that's what she said. Wait. Damnit.
01:12:04: Morgan's back and SHIT is he beatboxing like a mofo.
01:13:09: First team goes first. Stand by for my sarcastic review of their..........rock hard abs.......................what? Go away I'm working.
01:14:19: THEY ALL LOVE MORGAN!!! Maybe you bitches should watch Chuck then so it doesn't get cancelled. Assclowns.
01:15:49: Main squad's doing ok. What the fuck do I know, I only watch cheerleading when I'm alone........I'll stop there.
01:16:55: Classic middle finger from the backup squad. Bet that'll be on a bunch of "Best Cheerleader Movie Moments of the Decade" lists.
01:17:50: Back up squad are dressed as monks. Losers. When I call you a loser, you must be.
01:18:00: Wait I like cheergasms let me see.
01:18:44: I guess they're good. I was expecting sexier after the word "cheergasm"
01:19:39: What's the point anymore. Just end already.
01:20:35: Finally, it's over. Now for the judging, gee I wonder who'll win?!?!?!??!
01:21:00: Just saw Francis in the crowd. He's my boy.
01:21:39: FRANCIS FTW WITH A DEAN BURN
01:22:04: Back-Up squad wins. Glitter pours down from the ceiling. Reminds me of that stipper named giltter I paid to......you know what....what occurs in Amsterdam, stays in Amsterdam.
01:23:33: The backups are now the school's main cheerleading squad. Reminds me when I was on the backup squad of the Sex Club. Eh who am I kidding. I was better off in the Celibacy-Not-By-Choice Club.
01:24:40: Some shitty girl band is covering "Hit Me WIth Your Best Shot" over the credits so they don't have to pay for the original song. Kind of brilliant really. If you're stupid. BOOM. Roasted. Also, if you said Boom, Roasted to someone at Starbucks would it also be a pun? Food for thought.
01:25:52: Francis just slapped his ass. That is not the Francis way. We slap the other person's ass. Just ask...you know what, brakes Mike. Slam on them.
01:26:44: Oh and it fades to black just like my sanity.
That's all. See you all in my early grave.
HAPPY WEEKEND AND CHRISMUKAH SEASON!
No comments:
Post a Comment