The Drunk Awards of the Aughts (Or Whatever We're Calling this Decade)

Every decade needs a "Best of..." and of course, here at the blog, I had to make some sort of list to commemorate the ending of the decade. It's been an eventful one. Most are, but I feel like more happened than, say, in the 1860s. Seriously, name one thing that happened that decade. Anyways, let's get on with it. These are the Drunk Awards of the Last Decade

Best Drinking Movie

Nominees:

Beerfest

The Hangover

Bad Santa

Old School

Winner: Unfortunately, none of these movies are all that spectacular. But, since there has to be a winner, let's give it to Bad Santa since it's Christmas season and I'm feeling all cheery-like.

Most Ridiculous Celebrity DUI

Mel Gibson (2006)

Tony LaRussa (2006)

Lindsay Lohan (Pick 'Em)

Cedric Benson (2007)

Winner: Well, who can be the winner here? Gibson called a woman cop "Sugartits" while insults Jewish people, Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa feel asleep in the middle of an intersection, Lindsay Lohan is Lindsay Lohan....but Cedric Benson gets the trophy for getting a DUI while driving a boat.

Worst Drinking Trend

Red Bull/Vodka

Sweet Tea Vodka

No Smoking in Bars

Me Dislocating My Knee

Winner: Red Bull/Vodka was on my shit list til I tried it, Sweet Tea Vodka isn't really a trend, rather just shitty booze, and me dislocating my knee is pretty bad but it also gets me alot of attention. No Smoking in Bars is an unfortunate development. I mean, I quit but still...where's my secondhand smoke brah?

Best Drinking Trend

Sorority Girls Reading My Blog

Winner: Yeah that's right. They're probably reading right now in between round 5 and 6 of their pillow fight.

Most Ridiculous Drunk Claims

Ron Artest claiming he Drank During NBA Games

Titans Running Back LenDale White claiming he lost weight drinking only tequila

Girls when they say"I Never Do This..."

Anything Tiger or His Wife Say About his Recent Scandal

Winner: Oh, Girls...Like we really believe you.

Best "Rehab" Television Show

Intervention

That Dr. Drew One

Intervention w/ Kristin Chenoweth

Winnter: All of these STINK besides Kristin.

Stupidest Song That Drunk People Love

Soulja Boy Tell 'Em- Crank Dat

Baha Men- Who Let the Dogs Out?

Hurricane Chris- Ay Bay Bay

Bloodhound Gang- Bad Touch (Discovery Channel)

Gomez- Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot (Mike Dolan in the Face)

Winner: Unfortunately, winner is more of an ironic term here. Or not, but nobody wins. The worst song, however, is Ay Bay Bay, forever and always.

Prettiest Place I Drank

Dublin, Ireland

Santorini, Greece

Cozumel, Mexico

Bloomington, Illinois

Winner: There's little prettier than drinking with my girlfriend in BLOOMington but let's be realistic. Santorini is one of the prettiest places on Earth. It's so pretty you just want to take it out for a nice dinner and be respectful all night, without even thinking of trying for sex until the 3rd or 4th date.

Ugliest Place I Drank

Kirksville, Missouri

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

(A Certain District Of...) Amsterdam, The Netherlands

St. Louis, Missouri

Winner: In a battle of shitstorms, no sane human being can deny Milwaukee, Wisconsinas the biggest load of crap in the Midwest besides Detroit.

Best Fictional Bars

The Winchester (Shaun of the Dead)

McClarren's (How I Met Your Mother)

Paddy's Pub (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

Kavanaugh's (The Wire)

Winner: Oh please. Paddy's, McClaren's, and Kavanaugh's are all great, but The Winchester is the only bar sexy enough to survive a zombie romantic comedy.

Anti-Alcoholic of the Decade

Jonas Brothers

Miley Cyrus

The New Pope, I Forget His Name

I Don't Know, Aren't There Countries That Outlaw Alcohol? Those, then.

Winner: Miley Cyrus is the winner because she's 17 and richer than me and everyone who's ever come near this blog's lifetime net wealth.

Alcoholic of the Decade

Mel Gibson

Lindsay Lohan

Britney Spears

Paula Abdul

David Hasselhoff

Winner: Although some would argue that David Hasselhoff has "earned" the win here, there can be no denying that Lindsay Lohan has truly captured the true essence of the American problem child. Some (Jillie and her friends, probably) would argue that Britney deserves the award for her comeback and all that. BUT NO. Lindsay was at least a mildly sane and semi-functional alcoholic. Britney went off the rocker like a glorified cat lady. Except her kids and K-Fed ending up being the cats.

The "Mike Dolan Award" for Invincibility, Awesomeness, and Fulfilling Every One of Your Sexual Desires

Jesus

Mike Dolan

Everyone Who Reads This

Ha! Just Kidding, It's Just Between Me and Jesus.

Winner: Really, we're all winners here. Mike Dolan wins since Jesus was against sex before marriage, was never married, thus never had sex and fulfilled nobody's sexual desires ha ha ha I beat your Lord and Savior.

Whoa, I think I'll also win a first class ticket to hell.

Those are the drunk awards of the decade. Recognize, there'll be more "Best of the decade lists" in your future fo sho.