Howdy Partners! It's the start of another beautiful month and you know what that means: I answer fake questions from fake people for your fake amusement. It's so fake it's barely real! From sex to drugs, drinking to the meaning of life, the mailbag is designed for your enjoyment and nothing less. But intro paragraphs are so June. Let's move on!
Q: Now that it's no longer John & Kate, what are my chances with Kate Goesslin and that absolutely fab hairstyle?
--A. Pacino, New York, NY.
A: I think Kate Goesslin is the one attractive woman I would never hook up with. Not only is she a raging, condescending bitch, she looks like she'd be talking about what to make for dinner during sex. (And we all know, I need that dirty talk.) It's no wonder Jon got caught cheating. You'd cheat too if you had 8 kids, cameras following you around your HOUSE, and a wife that only uses her mouth to bitch. But come one Al, you don't have a chance in hell, you ugly old wash up.
Q: Who would win in a drinking contest that was born on July 2, 1986: you or Lindsay Lohan?
--L. Dolan, Mt. Prospect, IL
A: I think it's no coincidence that me and Lindsay were born on the same day, given our love of alcohol and lesbians. But there is no debate here. I would destroy Ms. Lohan in a one-on-one drinking competition. You know, there has to be a reason that she keeps getting caught wasted: she can't hold her liquor. It is a curse and a blessing but I rarely ever get sick from drinking. Which is surprising, given my small stature. If Lindsay wants to prove me wrong, or go out on a date, she should get her people in contact with my people. Make it happen!
Q: So I hear your writing a romantic movie. What the hell do u know about romance?
--E. Ridge, Jerusalem, Israel.
A: What does anybody know about romance really? Besides, if you ask some of platonic lady friends, I'm sometimes as describe as "sweet." My view of romance is simple. Two people meet and their happy for a while. Only two things happen after that while: they get happier or they get less happy. Some meet in 7th grade and stay together forever, some get married after 3 months because they just know. They are no laws to romance or love. Everyone finds different things romantic. So hush.
Q: If you had to have sex with one of your platonic girl friends, which one would it be and why? I must know!
--S. Bullock, Some Crap Town, USA.
A: Ummm...(gulps nervously). This would actually not have anything to do with attraction, since my best platonic girlfriends are the most attractive of my girl friends, in my opinion. If you really want to know, just ask me. All I'll say is her name has a double "L" in it.
Q: What would you rather do: have a threesome with two ultra-hot twins that you were too drunk to remember or two mediocre looking ones that you were sober for?
--R. Kelly, Prison, In a Just World.
A: Too drunk with the ultra-hot twins. Bragging rights in this situation would be more important to me than enjoying the actual act. Half the reason I have sex anyway is for bragging rights. And if I'm sober with the ultra-hot twins, it'd probably last as long as the boxing match with Brad Pitt in "Snatch." I'd want to be able to go a few more rounds, knowwhatimean?
Q: Who is the one person you know that you would just never have a drink with? Is there even anyone in your life that fits that criteria? I doubt it, booze boy.
--S. Wonder, Jazzland, Blindtopia.
A: There aren't many people I know that don't drink at all. But if there was one person I know that I would never drink with or in front of, it would be my littlest cousin Ella from Kazakhstan. She's 2 and I refuse to set a bad example for the youngsters in my family. I want to be the cool cousin. Bet you weren't expecting that as an answer. Excuse me while I go watch the beautiful sunset. Care to join me Stevie? Awww, that's a shame. I forgot.
Q: How come you demonize women so much? Maybe it's not our fault that your a douchebag that probably wouldn't even call us after sleeping with us.
--Some Girl I Hooked Up With and Didn't Call, Yellowstone, WY.
A: I don't demonize women. I humanize them. Most people are dicks, assholes, selfish, and uncaring. Men, women, or mixed, most people seem nice on the outside but all have their own agenda. Even me, who can be really sweet, thinks about his own needs over yours. When you go out and meet someone, you have sex with them because YOU want to, not because they do. I demonize everyone. And F-U, your a bad kisser anyways.
Q: If you had to live in a country for the rest of your life outside Europe or North America, where would you live? P.S. My sister likes you.
--M.K. Olson, Hollywood, CA.
A: Well obviously nowhere in Africa or South America. I think I'd become like a perma-vacationer in Bali (an Indonesian tourist resort island, for the uneducated) and just open up a bar on the beach. If they let me in. My passport looks like that of a drug dealer (a customs agent actually told me that) just because I've been to Amsterdam and Mexico twice in the last 3 years. I'd be more worried about the hurricanes though. Those things are stroooooooong!
Q: 10 Shots of Jager, 4 Shots of Tequila, 4 Beer Bongs, and 12 Cigarettes. I threw up on my mom's $3,000 rug and called my Dad the n word. He's white. Oh, and I got a girl pregnant. How could you condone drinking even after all this is possible? It's a terrible thing.
--W. Smith, Tempe, AZ
A: I condone drinking because it's a social lubricant for most people. It's fun to see people come out of their shell. It's also fun to see amateurs throw up on their mom's rug and get a girl preggo's. Because it's always the ones that don't do it often that make the worst mistakes.
Q: 10 Shots of Jager. 5 Shots of Tequila, 4 Beer Bongs, and 11 Cigarettes. I had sex with this girl who puked in her bed right after. I got dressed and started to leave when I ran into her even hotter roommate in the hall. Had sex with her. Massed texted the story to everyone in my phone. Dad texted back: "Atta boy!" How could anyone not love drinking?
--Dr. J. Shepherd, Boston, MA.
A: Modern hero.
Q: What's the one movie that came out this year that you know they'll remake in the next 20 years? Also, will we ever be able to see your smiling face at church? I miss you, Mike.
--Father Tuzick, Palatine, IL.
A: Wow, the second part of this question really took me off guard but I'll try and keep my composure. What movie WON'T they remake within the next 20 years? I can't pick just one. Most movies are the same now anyways. Most of the shit out there is the same old formula, and every genre has a formula. It's annoying as hell which makes movies like Slumdog Millionaire, Up, WALL-E, and (500) Days of Summer so enjoyable. Because they stray away from the same old Hollywood formula and simply give you a high walking out of the theatre. Those rare ones are the reason I attend free screenings and go to indie theatres while watching ripped copies of the "blockbusters" online: because I'd rather start good word of mouth over a movie people haven't heard of rather than some some shit (read: Transformers 2) everyone and their great aunt has heard of. (BTW, go see (500) Days of Summer when it comes out two weeks from now. It's the best movie I've seen this year.)
Q: Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? And is she bangable?
--I. Gadget, San Fransisco, CA.
A: Carmen went off the grid when she stopped paying child support but if you can find her, yes, she is very, very bangable. Just don't expect to get a real number/call back.
Q: What are the best foods to eat of your significant others body? The mere act of sex just makes me too damn hungry to go without food.
--S. Buscemi, Sacramento, CA.
A: Personally, I've got a sweet tooth but I can't imagine why you shouldn't get more creative than that. If your favorite food is pastrami, slap it on there. Why go with what everyone has tried? Oooo, your a big deal chocolate sauce and whipped cream. Fuck that. Sometimes you want a sandwich or something, keep your stamina up. You are only limited by your lack of creativity.
Q: So there was this girl. We were about to hook up but I was way too drunk to, um, "get up" for the occasion. The next morning, however, I simply rocked her world. I'm talking knocked it out of the park. It was so good that she said next time I can do "anything I want" to her. What should I do? Do I ask for the secret passage into the backdoor? Is it worth it?
--R. Paul, Wherever Republicans Hang Out.
A: If you've never entered the elusive "back door" I would go for that. You won't find many girls willing (although I'm sure there are more than you think). Besides, if she said that to you, anal is probably what she meant anyway. If you've already done anal, than don't go for it again. Once it nice, but it's not much to brag about (everyone, however, should at least try it). Role play's good but ANYTHING YOU WANT? I think you'd be a fool if you didn't ask her to bring a friend. A DAMN FOOL, SIR!
Q: What's the best show on TV that nobody knows about? Is it My Boys on TBS?
--Owner of TBS, Allendale, CA.
A: No, sir, and no plugging allowed on my blog. Unless it's by me. "Burn Notice" on USA is the best show that nobody knows about it. It's a very fun summer show and it's got action, comedy, and is set in Miami. Turn it on and enjoy it.
Q: If you had to sit through any of these ungodly acts of life, which one would it be: a Nascar race, the ballet, or Transformers 2?
--M. Bay, 6th Circle of Hell, Hell.
A: Well obviously not T2. That only leaves Car Driving vs. Dancing to Boring Music. Ugh. I'd go to a ballet with a date because then maybe she'll put out. The only thing that will put out at a Nascar race is my will to live. At least there might be some attractive girls in the ballet.
Q: My best friend had sex with my girlfriend. I don't hate him, but I do want to bring upon him an epic act of revenge that will make us completely equal for his breach of friendship. Help me out.
--A. Banderas, Madrid, Spain.
A: An epic act of revenge? Sir, you have come to the right place. It needs to be a great blend of disgusting, embarrassing, and memorable. Something that, if he tried to do something like this again he'd think of what you did and immediately leave. Here's what you do: masturbate and put the finished product in his shampoo and body wash. That way, his entire body will be covered with semen. Then, when you tell him, he will most definitely throw up instantaneously. Also, he will never fuck with your ladies again. Good hunting.
Another mailbag, another assurance that I'll be joining Mr. Bay in the 6th circle of hell. But no worries. I'll enjoy the trip down there. At least it won't be cold. I'll leave you with some solid advice before I leave this week because I can tell you need it: go get laid it! Laters ladies and sirs, and Happy Birthday to Me!
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