As promised, I'm back this week with a drunken running commentary of a Michael Bay movie. This week, we get to review my favorite Michael Bay movie (no sarcasm), The Rock. Why is it my favorite? Because it's got the master of suave Sean Connery. The original Bond, the man who could seduce an entire family of bears out of hibernation. This movie is a little longer so the chances of me blacking out increase by a good 30 minute window. But enough chit-chat. Let's review Michael Bay's version of The Great Escape, THE ROCK.
00:00:00: As beer is not strong enough to handle a Michael Bay film, I will be turning to my friend Vodka/Splash of Tonic and a lime. In a pint glass. BOO YA! (Taco dip will, thankfully, be exempt from this week's review. Last Monday night/Tuesday morning was death.)
00:00:51: Opening credit gunfire. You never get opening credit gunfire.
00:01:48: Hey, Dr. Cox from Scrubs is in this. There's hope for you yet, Russell. (NAME THAT MOVIE!)
00:03:15: Ed Harris delivers the worst "I missed you" line ever in front of his wife's grave. It's as mailed in as a sx doll to your office.
00:04:30: Opening scene robbery. Eerily familiar to opening scene robbery in Bad Boys. Eery in the fact that it's pretty much the same thing.
00:05:53: Are there really only 5 or 6 soldiers guarding our chemical weapons supply?
00:07:31: Soldier gets trapped in with the poison gas and melts like that dude who picked the grail wrong in Indiana Jones.
00:08:46: Nic Cage is a Beatlemaniac. Dynamite.
00:11:22: Nic won't inject a needle into his heart. Seems reasonable.
00:12:27: Cage without a shirt on playing a guitar. Does he know Freebird?
00:13:36: "Bringing a child into this world would be an act of cruelty." "I'm pregnant." Did I write this dialogue in 4th grade and forget about it?
00:15:54: Black guy gives the token "What the FUCK?" as Ed Harris takes over Alcatraz.
00:17:44: Ed Harris apologizes to his hostages. Wonder if they forgave him.
00:20:15: According to Mr. Harris, the Director of the FBI has a very serious problem. Come on Ed, all those girls are 18.
00:23:56: Young White House Chief of Staff gets owned by Ed Harris, then by some random General. Noob.
00:25:06: Cage having sex. Fuck my life.
00:26:36: Invites the Girlfriend to San Fran. Future drama, please ensue.
00:27:46: Just the talk about them introducing Connery's character arouses me.
00:28:20: First Connery sighting. Movie begins now. Hold on, I need another cocktail.
00:29:49: Black guy with a ponytail.
00:31:00: Connery with long hair. Still could seduce your mother.
00:32:31: Alchimedes, Nelson Mandela, Alexander Saltinizten, Sir Walter Raleigh all mentioned in the same paragraph by Connery. He's like that wise janitor from Rudy.
00:34:16: Cage awkwardly interviews Connery. Surprised they didn't get Michael Cera for the role.
00:35:39: "I fear the Greeks, even when they bring gifts." Did the screenwriter pick a quote out of Greek dictionary and go "BINGO!"?
00:38:26: Connery barks at Cage. I ROFL'd.
00:39:16: Connery singing in the shower and ordering room service. No wonder this movie's over 2 hours. Surprised he didn't order "Naughty Nurses in Reno."
00:41:36: Connery is hanging the FBI director from the Penthouse balcony while the stylist cries. Then escapes. Prepare for chase scene.
00:42:48: Connery is happy with his haircut.
00:44:40: CHASE!
00:45:31: Cage driving a Diablo. Not after The Wicker Man, he isn't.
00:46:37: Drives through an entire building. Because that's possible in San Fransisco. Except usually you get plowed into, not through.
00:48:08: Out of control trolley heading towards a wheelchair race. Making this up? I wish.
00:49:12: Cage steals a hippies motorcycle. Why not, right?
00:51:10: Cage is the FBI agent who figures out Connery's daughter lives in San Fran? Really?
00:52:40: Wasn't that girl in Mallrats? Damnit, now I want a chocolate covered pretzel.
00:54:26: God, this movie lags more than I remember. Thinking about weed instead of vodka.
00:55:37: "Between The Rock and a hard place." Wow. (Chug.)
00:57:00: Cage throws up. Must of just read the Ghost Rider script.
01:00:00: Marines trying to save the day are wearing face paint that makes them look like Raiders fans. Bet Al Davis loves this movie.
01:02:59: Connery figures out Cage's character. No witty response from me.
01:04:40: Excuse me, as I realize how pathetic I am for knowing the real names of 4 of the Ed Harris Crew Marines.
01:05:00: Change my mind and pronounce that as a victory. Also, guy with a cool mustache has something on radar.
01:06:22: Connery barrel rolls through fire. Casual Sunday for him.
01:07:15: "Welcome to The Rock!" Sean Connery would be the best Wal-Mart greeter ever.
01:09:05: Connery: "97 paces to the shower room." A line every woman wishes they could here.
1:10:34: Idiot good Marine sets off the motion sensors but thinks their good. His life= over.
1:12:52: Stand-off. Ed Harris and the Marine Commander get in a shouting match before all the good marines get blasted. It's like Omaha Beach in a bathroom.
1:14:18: Connery tells the Asian Marine not to go up there. Does. Dies. Serves him right, really.
1:16:44: Cage trying to stop Connery from leaving: laughable. In fiction or in reality.
1:19:38: Connery takes Cages gun away like it's a fucking lollipop.
1:21:35: Hawaiian bad Marine throws a bomb into the sewers that sends Cage and Connery flying. He'll be doing the limbo in hell.
1:22:21: Bigger bomb. But they're OK because they were underwater. Wonder if that really works.
1:23:39: Cage just "HEH" wants to find some rockets. Or a role that doesn't blow donkey turds.
1:24:45: Connery just CHUCKS a knife as some guys neck. You must never hesitate indeed. Unless you got LeBron in an iso situation.
1:26:43: I believed Cage more as a psychic than I do as a Chemical Weapons Specialist.
1:29:03: Cage eats pressure for breakfast. I have Lucky Charms.
1:30:01: Dr. Cox gets chewed out by Ed, while Connery and Cage are riding a mine shaft cart. Because when you build a prison, the first thing you think of is "Mine Shaft!"
1:31:55: Connery just set some guy on fire. I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.
1:33:56: Cage shoots a guy while screaming like a girl. Kind of like my reaction to The Wicker Man.
1:36:10: Larry Henderson was taken hostage. At least it wasn't Harry.
1:38:50: Connery thinks Ed Harris is a fucking idiot. He must have saw National Treasure 2 a few years early.
1:40:04: I'd take pleasure in gutting you too, Nic.
1:41:32: Is thermite plasma real or a deus ex machina? Or is it just two fancy words thrown together so that people watching have no idea if it's real or not?
1:43:11: Connery gets him and Cage out of their cell. Pwns Cage. I'm not too shocked and neither are you. Also, is it ironic or just coincidence that Cage is in a cage?
1:45:48: Connery hits Cage in the stomach. I chuckled.
1:47:16: Then he saves his life. I dislike.
1:48:31: Ed Harris launches chemical weapon over Oakland. At least Al Davis would've died. Or can he even die?
1:49:38: Ed Harris then changes it's course to the ocean. Pussy.
1:52:09: President starts a gay monologue about life/death/soldiers that could have been explained away with a line of dialogue. BO-RINGGGGGGGGGG!
1:54:55: STAND DOWN CAPTAIN!
1:55:07: Mexican Stand Off between the bad Marines before the SHOOT-OUT!
1:56:52: The Good-Bad Marines get killed by the Bad-Bad Marines. Sympathy, not included. At least by me.
1:58:35: Cage makes some black baddie The Rocket Man. Also, he gets impaled. Not what Elton had in mind, me thinks.
2:00:55: Connery kills a black guy half his age. I bet he was imagining it was his wife.
2:02:03: Some bad guy mentions being Irish while fighting Connery. I immediately identify with him. He's just trying to feed his family and have 8 kids.
2:03:35: Air Force Jets in a flying V. Reminds of the Mighty Ducks 2. QUACK QUACK QUACK!
2:04:40: Cage injects something into his heart then lights flares. You're a better man than me, NicK.
2:05:53: Feel bad for Cage's girl until I remember that it would preferable if he died for her.
2:06:40: Irish music starts playing. Arousal.
2:07:57: Cage tells the FBI Connery's dead. It's the least you could do, he saved your life like 36 times.
2:08:15: Forget Maui, Cage. Go find our country's deepest, darkest secrets, Nic. Connery thinks your the man that should know them all. God help us.
2:10:00: Is vaporization of a body possible? I seriously am asking you, people.
2:11:01: Cage asks his bride to be if she wants to know who killed JFK. Guessing she said "OMG NO WAY?!?!"
END
Well, that's it for THE ROCK's drunken real time review. Unfortunately, it only goes down here with Michael Bay movies. And, unfortunately we return right back to Marty and Will next week with Bad Boys 2. God help my health. Until then, I will most assuredly see you peeps later. Love and kisses, Miguel Dolan.
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