Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Armageddon

It's Monday and it's back to doing what I love: getting drunk and watching movies. So as we continue in our drunken run-through of all Michael Bay's amateur violence porn, we move on to a disaster movie. If anyone can make the world end on camera, it's Michael Bay. So we turn our attention to 1998's Armageddon. Can we save the world? Will there be even MORE explosions than usual? Will the 2 hour, 30 minute run time cause me to pass out in a pool of vomit and shame? Let's find out! Part 3 in my "Drunken Real Time MIchael Bay Reviews: Armageddon."


00:00:00: Drink of the Movie: Whiskey and Pepsi. The Good Shit. I'm also eating Cap'n Crunch on the side because I haven't ate today and this is a long-ass movie. So long, in fact, that I might die from a brain hemorrhage due to alcohol intake mixed with excessive explosions and cliche one liners. Let's go save the world!

00:01:13: As I get to introduced to a history lesson, along with a visual of Earth getting destroyed, I start to wish I was a dinosaur.

00:02:55: What's a buffalo nickel and why does Billy Bob want to give an astronaut one?

00:03:32: Astronaut gets mauled by a small astroid. Put that buffalo nickel in his kids college fund.

00:04:37: Billy Bob asks a peon to wake up 11,000 people by phone. Seems like a silly request.

00:05:48: Eddie Griffin playing a homeless, retarded black guy = fitting.

00:06:45: Fat Hawaiian selling Godzilla dolls gets hit by an astroid, but the cute dog survives. How come people are more expendable in movie than animals?

00:08:30: Why is it that New York is always destroyed in disaster movies? Maybe the astroids would have landed in Salt Lake City or Omaha, Mr. Bay.

00:09:26: Twin Towers on fire. I knew Michael Bay did it.

00:11:30: 18 Days til the rock hits Earth followed by Bruce Willis hitting golf balls at protesters. Personally, I think he's not coming far enough through on his back swing.

00:13:48: Bruce catches Affleck sleeping with his daughter. You're not the first father, Bruce.

00:15:41: Bruce is now shooting at Ben. Hi-lar-i-ous.

00:18:09: Steve Buscemi taught Liv Tyler how to use tampons. I mean.........ugh.

00:20:21: The camera's moving so fast I CAN"T TELL WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!

00:22:41: Bruce HATES being apologized to.

00:24:30: Why is religious fanatics and mass hysteria the worst part of the Bible? Seems like the most interesting to me.

00:26:26: NASA does NOT have a back up plan. Mine? Go on an 18 day bender.

00:27:56: Montage of the government tracking down Willis' crew to a catchy pop song. There are no winners.

00:30:08: Ben Affleck can't count.

00:31:11: Who would say no to saving the world? Imagine the tail you'd get afterwards.

00:32:40: Requests for the drillers in regards to their saving the world: could've been funny but was incredibly, incredibly lame.

00:35:02: Steve Buscemi is the best part of this movie. I think he needs more comedic roles. Or just roles, in general.

00:36:11: I hate Ben Affleck.

00:37:09: "The Wrong Stuff." First cliche joke? Check Check Check.

00:38:06: Hot NASA pilot. I'd kill to bag a hot astronaut. Or just a girl astronaut.

00:39:59: What are you doing in this movie Owen Wilson? Go away.

00:40:36: Hot NASA pilot is also commanding. Color me red with...hornyness?

00:42:01: Billy Bob: more believable as a NASA Chief or Sling Blade?

00:44:05: Cue sappy Aerosmith song to Liv and Ben making out. Wonder if the guy singing knows Ben Affleck's screwing his daughter. Also, is it weird that Bruce is mad as her dad in the movie but her real dad is singing about her getting doinked?

00:46:42: Underwater simulation. It lasts longer when you're underwater. At least that's what I hear.

00:47:55: Affleck blows his load too early. I've also heard that.

00:49:40: Montage of Willis crews' free time away from NASA. And OH! Cue Aerosmith x2.

00:51:25: Affleck pretends he's on Animal Planet and it actually works as a seduction technique. Cue Aerosmith x3.

00:53:00: Emotional moment between deadbeat dad and kid who doesn't know he's his dad touches me. It's probably just the whiskey though.

00:53:53: Scene I don't remember between Bruce and his Dad, who's clearly dying. Doesn't get me at all.

00:55:21: Why don't you buy yourself a neck, Mr. Clean? Love it.

00:56:17: Astroid hits China. Chinese leaders say "Hey, less mouths to feed."

00:59:38: Willis promises Liv he'll be back. A man's only as good as the lies he tells his daughter, Bruce.

01:01:05: Affleck starts a sing-a-long to Leavin on a Jet Plane. Stick to acting in movies that I don't have to watch Ben.

01:02:48: Is the President the same as the one from The Rock? He sure does know how to give an uninspirational inspirational speech!

01:05:06: Oh, Ben. Don't you know you've already disappointed us all?

01:06:05: Owen, you were hired for comic relief. Yet the only thing funny is Steve Buscemi and Ben Affleck's "acting."

01:08:15: When you're drunk, repetitive instrumental music gets unbelievably obnoxious.

01:09:50: Owen Wilson's dialogue makes me want another drink. But the movies not even half over. Fuck. My. Life.

01:11:39: Docked with Russian Space Station. Cliche Russian on board. He is NOT "gas stahhhhtion."

01:13:52: Sensing that there will be problems with defective Russian equipment.

01:15:23: My spidey-sense is correct. Fire, ice, and sparks are flying around like it's a Michael Bay movie.

01:16:10: Sometimes when you hear lines like "He (Ben Affleck) is stuck in the fuel pod," you wish it was real life.

01:17:16: Do things really take this long to blow up?

01:19:22: Ben and the Russian just make it in by the hair of that fuzzy shit on the edge of what he calls a chin.

01:20:30: Something about "Going 9 and a half G's for 11 minutes to slingshot around the moon" doesn't sound natural.

01:22:42: Asteroid sort of resembles mother ship from Independence Day. Or maybe I just wished it looked like that.

01:23:49: Wondering why they're surprised about flying into an asteroid and taking debris.

01:25:16: One of the shuttles goes down but it feels like I'm the one taking debris at this point.

01:27:00: Bruce and Co. land on icicle planet.

01:28:46: Liv doesn't have anywhere else to go. 100 N Stevenson, Mt. Prospect, IL. Mapquest it and give me a ring.

01:30:34: Ben tries to cries. That belongs on Failblog.com.

01:31:52: No, Steve Buscemi, Dr. Seuss' worst nightmare is having Michael Bay adapt one of his books.

01:33:43: Russian, Black Guy, and Ben Affleck. I smell sitcommmmmmmm!

01:35:54: Massive drill fail. Affleck suggests, in his head, that they drill with his penis.

01:39:12: NASA's biggest mistake is either Bruce Willis' crew or lending their name to this movie.

01:41:33: Remote detonate? Is the president retarded? NASA is smarter than the guys you fought in 'Nam with.

01:42:58: Steve Buscemi's not even supposed to be here today!

01:43:39: Nuclear weapon clock: ticking! NASA has Overridden the Override! WHOA!

01:46:27: Bruce swears to God he'll make 800 feet. God yawns. Bomb is diffused. Good job!

01:47:30: It also sucks down here, fat drill guy.

01:48:57: Russian has never seen Star Wars. God, Russia sucks.

01:51:56: The Threesome of Lost Souls is drifting out into space. Russian goes OUTSIDE and absolutely fixes the shit out of the rover thinger. If only he could fix the economy like that.

01:53:55: Buscemi's starting to get space dementia and machine guns the asteroid. First, why is there a machine gun? Second, Space Dementia is a good song by Muse. Third, the asteroid is parting like it's a movie set being pulled apart!

01:55:36: Fat astronaut is now deceased. Pigs and cows rejoice all over.

01:56:44: World montage of everyone learning of massive failure. Why aren't people getting drunk and screwing?

01:57:25: Astroid destroys Paris. World fakes sympathy.

01:58:00: Liv gets pissed and pulls Billy Bob down while he thinks, "Hey, you kinda remind me of Angelina..."

01:59:01: Dramatic reunion and Bruce gets so excited he forgets how to count.

02:00:03: Buscemi is tied up to prevent further shenangians. Usually that's how you START shenanigans.

2:01:28: 800 Feet! They reached the arbitrary depth!

2:02:07: Bruce has a bent pipe jammed in a hole. Do with that what you will.

2:02:49: The asteroid has become self-aware! Call Skynet!

2:04:00: Asteroid kills another guy that they really didn't introduce. I feel wasted.

2:05:32: Remote detonator damaged, meaning someone has to be around to kill themselves and allow them to have their children get as much tail as anyone ever has back on Earth.

2:06:39: Drawing straws for the fate of mankind and guess who it is! AFFLECK! Thank God! Ugh. I keep forgetting this is fiction.

2:08:14: Willis takes Aflleck's place to the dismay of noone. Oh well. At least there will be no more alcoholic cop movies.

2:10:23: Willis tells Liv that he's breaking his promise. Liv is proud, scared, and dressed like a 45 year old woman.

2:13:49: Russian guy saves the ship by hitting it with a wrench. That's the first thing they teach you in Astro-Training in Russia.

2:14:52: Zero Barrier! HURRY HURRY!

2:15:56: Willis saves the day! Asteroid splits apart! All is well!

2:17:11: Liv and Billy Bob hug. Take it easy, Billy, she could be your daughter.

2:18:28: Don't worry, Steve. Nobody will tell about you machine gunning the rest of the crew while they were trying to save the world.

2:19:18: Guy finally gets to hug his long lost son.

2:19:35: Favorite part of the movie. "Requesting to shake the hand of the daughter...of the bravest man I ever met." I love William Fichtner. Sappy works perfectly there.

2:19:54: Buscemi gets his hot stripper back.

2:20:10: Billy Bob gets the NASA patch that he's always wanted.

2:20:49: Cue Aerosmith x4.

2:21:02: Funeral at a wedding? Ummm...OK. That's why they call it the Director's CUT and not the Director's Omission.


Unlike Aerosmith, after that movie and all the drinks consumed during it, I do want to close my eyes and I do want to fall asleep. So I'll leave you for now. I'll be back soon with a brand new mailbag and some more of Drunk Michael Bay series. Next is Pearl Harbor I believe and that's dynamite since it's one of my least favorite movies that I've ever seen. Adios, muchachos!