Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Bad Boys

I'm gonna try a fresh new segment called Dolan's Boozy Reviews. It's where I watch a movie and do reviews as I watch them, kind of like a running commentary. I will also be sloshed while writing these, risking my health for the advancement of your laughter. (All eight of you, that is) I wasn't sure what movie to start off this segment with. Then, like magic, I browsed my Netflix "Watch Instantly" Queue, mainly cause I don't want to hear my roommates fucking and I can watch them on my computer. I figured, what movies are horrible that might be good drunk? Naturally, the word horrible often makes Michael Bay pop up in my head. So I think I'm going to do an entire "Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Reviews," of all his major features. I'll go in order of release date, I guess, because by the end of this segment I'll either be dead or suicidally addicted to explosions. Here's the first in the series, "Drunk Dolan Presents: BAD BOYS." Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, let's get jiggy.


00:00:00: For your information, I'm drunk/drinking a concoction known as the "7 & We're out of the other 7, so just use Coke." It's whiskey and coke. In a Mug. Gotta keep it classy for Mr. Bay.

00:00:45: Martin Lawrence top billing over Will Smith? Not anymore....

00:01:37: Will and Martin driving in a $105,000 car. Martin Lawrence drops his fries and Willie throws a temper tantrum. Out of context, that's probably weird.

00:03:33: A Passenger 57 joke by a black male? Wow.

00:05:04: Checking to see if the Costume Designer "Bobbie Reed" is a male or female on IMDB. Not on IMDB. Going with gay male.

00:07:22: Criminals stealing something from some plant, security officer is watching TV and lets out a fart. Blames it on the tacos. Starting to crave taco dip. (Me, not the actor)

00:09:25: Robbery over. Not sure what they stole. Not sure it matters really.

00:11:39: Will Smith telling sleazy sex stories to Martin's kids. What would Jada think?

00:13:13: Cliched Internal Affairs agent woman comes in. What the hell IS internal affairs and why is it in EVERY cop movie?

00:15:36: Hey, it's Tony Sopranos nephew Chris! Playing a Cuban! I guess Italian is close enough to Latino.

00:17:55: Fourth straight cut with a rap song introducing the next scene. Fuck me.

00:18:42: Will calls him and Martin negroes, to which Martin imitates a white person. Spot on, Marty. When's Big Momma's House 3 coming out?

00:20:53: Marty's driving slow enough to drive Ms. Daisy. Whatever. My taco dip tastes like sex. On drink 2, already.

00:22:30: First appearance of the Bad Boys song. Will and Martin start singing. Would rather hear "Gettin' Jiggy with it"

00:26:45: Chick whose in love with Will Smith is killed. Sensing plot development. Followed by hideous acting by the robbers. Followed by me chugging.

00:28:52: Tea Leoni jumps a few stories into a pool to escape robbers. Thinking she should try out for the Italian synchronized diving team.

00:30:33: Will Smith shows emotion. Hard to believe he got an Oscar nom in his career.

00:35:11: Another cut with a rap song. Considering downloading it. Illegally. Would never pay for it.

00:38:14: GUNFIGHT. Also, Martin Lawrence recuses Tea Leoni's dog. Also, 50 shots are fired and only one person out of 8 gets hit. Bantering between criminals, cringing. Very cringe-worthy.

00:40:11: Wondering when Martin says "trying to keep a bullet out of your ass," if he means that literally.

00:42:30: Marty denies wanting to have sex with Ms. Leoni, even though "Damaged Girls" ranks Number 2 behind "Girls with Daddy Issues" on the "Freakiest Sex Scale."

00:46:00: Marty's having marital problems. I feel ya brother, I haven't had sex in a few weeks either.

00:47:00: Marty talking a lot about his ass. Gay?

00:49:15: Will complains about dogs and hookers in his house. I fail to see the problem.

00:53:00: Guy that's in Superbad and Pineapple Express gets yelled at by the main bad dude, although I'm still not sure what accent he's trying to pull off. Guessing Lithuanian.

00:56:50: Whiskey and taco dip, leading to regrets.

00:57:45: Annoying secretary that can't act hands Will Smith, who can't act at this point, a file. Obviously, I'm desperate for something to write about.

01:01:00: Contemplating death and if it's really worse than this.

01:02:38: Tea Leoni's dog shitting all over Will Smith's apartment. Don't blame the dog.

01:06:02: Martin and Will enter a Club called "Hell." Already been there for 65 minutes and 3 drinks, buddies.

01:08:11: Martin gets into a fight in the bathroom with a plastic bag over his head. Thought it was the beginning to a gay porno.

01:11:00: Martin and WIll in a chase scene with ether in the back of their truck. Reminds of a night I had in Amsterdam.

01:13:54: Chase ends well. Because, of course it does.

01:15:40: Pointless scene in a liquor store. At least they get Skittles and Bubbilicious out of it.

01:18:10: Will is hanging with Marty's wife and Marty's hanging with Tea Leoni. Feel like I'm watching a FOX reality show.

01:21:33: Will tackles Martin, but it's just a funny misunderstanding about adultery!

01:24:28: Tony Soprano's cousin is back! It's only been 65 minutes since his 22 second scene! Will pulls a gun on him and I'm wondering what James Gandolfini would do if he walked in.

01:28:30: Will makes a reference to their situation being worse than when they were in Club Hell. Must be talking about me.

01:30:11: I'm sloshed.

01:31:35: Martin's wife is pisssssed. And hot. For a negro.

01:34:04: Gunfight! And it's about time!

01:34:30: Over already? I didn't even get aroused.

01:35:50: Chase! Run! Run! Run! I can't tell what's going on since the camera is giving me motion sickness!

01:37:59: Martin Lawrence is riding on top of a cab. They'd charge extra for that in New York City, Marty.

01:40:05: The annoying can't act secretary is tied to it all! Now she's crying! I feel bad for her! Bravo, Michael Bay!

01:42:08: Criminals meeting some guy in a full white suit. That's how you know he's important. Also, he's Latino. Or Miamian. Same thing.

01:44:36: White suit guy gets shot. Dies.

01:46:03: FIRST EXPLOSION! Wondering how many were cut from the first 105 minutes.

01:46:55: If you forget your boarding pass, Martin Lawrence will kill you. Make a note.

01:48:06: Will Smith shot, then flies through the air after an explosion. Hoping he dies and the sequel is just one of my nightmares.

01:49:01: Tea Leoni makes a football reference. I felt something move below the waist. May have been a toe, I've had too much whiskey for anything else to move.

01:51:00: Car chase. Bad guy runs into a wall. Tries to run away but is gunned down in SUPER-SLOW-MO. The entire Miami PD arrives. Good timing.

01:52:40: Will Smith can't kill a guy. Must have grown up in Bel-Air. OH SHIT! Bad dude pulled a gun then Big Willie capped him harder than a black guy in a horror movie.

01:55:25: Tea Leoni and Will Smith handcuffed by Martin Lawrence. Fulfills black fantasies. Male or female.


That's all! I'm gonna go take a nap for about 8 hours but I hope that I gave you some insight to the first Michael Bay Drunk review. I'll try and do one a week. Next up: The Rock. Which is actually not that bad a movie. We'll see. Until next time, love ya and good luck!