Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, readers and braille users, welcome to the Dolan January Mailbag! (Insert crowd noise) While the mailbag may or may not become a staple of the blog, it certainly is here to stay for the moment. January has been a prolific month here on the blog and hopefully that can continue throughout the year. Remember, you can always e-mail real questions or concerns at mdolan2@gmail.com. Otherwise, let's get on with the mailbag. As always, these are fake questions from real people (sometimes).
Q: A few weeks ago I got loaded and thought "what would a Dolan mailbag be like if he was hammered when he answered all the questions?" The questions would be of a sober variety but the answers of (I mean just sloshed) an intoxicated man. Now THAT would be prime time for entertainment. A Dolan Mailbag after 8-10 shots of whiskey would just be filthy good.
--D. Draper, New York, NY.
A: Hey man, I'm writing this blog on a Tuesday night, don't you think I have better things to do than sit around and do 8 shots of whiskey so that I can blog drunk? I clearly would need more than that anyway. So if you want drunk blogger, you're gonna get drunk blogger. Be careful what you wish for. (The rest of the answers are Rated A.A. for Annoyingly Absurd)
Q: With the insertion of Obama into the White House, I think we all are asking the same question: who is the hottest first lady of all time?
--E. Poe, Baltimore, MD.
A: Debatable. It's hard to say how good looking the First Ladies of the 18th and 19th Centuries actually were, so I'm tempted to pick someone from the 1900s. Now Obv it ain't going to be Taft's, Wilson's, Coolidge's, Teddy's, FDR's, Truman's, or Tricky Dicky's. No way to LBJ, nor Ford's, nor Carter's, nor Reagan's. Don't worry, it ain't a Bush and it ain't Clinton. That leaves only two: Michelle Obama and Jacqueline Kennedy. Michelle, besides sharing the absolutely awesome female equivalent of my name, has a tad bit of an overbite (or under, I don't know. It's a deformed bite). Not to say she's a bad looking woman at all, it's just that Jackie was better. I mean, she was married to the greatest womanizing President since John Quincy Adams. (I'll let you figure out if that's a joke or not.) So yes, Jackie Kennedy, you are the hottest First Lady of All Time. Congrats, I'll see if I can get your grave exhumed to get you your award.
Q: Put Andy Reid and Charlie Weiss in a room with 25 Footlong Chicken-Bacon-Ranch Subs from Subway for each; who finishes first?
--Jared, Indianapolis, IN.
A: Holy shit, that's just a flat-out disturbing image. I think Weiss is more of a snacker than a large eater or (likely) both. On the other hand, Andy looks like he's contemplating what he's getting at Burger King after the game. (He's not calling out "#5! #5! because he's trying to get McNabb's attention, you know) As for this contest, I think I would have to go with Andy Reid. I just (unfortunately) picture Andy Reid being able to stuff his face quicker. The only thing I worry about is that Andy Reid might stop to try and challenge if Charlie Weiss spilled a little piece of bacon on the ground, even though it's clearly a cell phone. Oh man, this is harder than I thought. Did you know that having a boatload of whiskey and picturing Charlie Weiss and Andy Reid committing what has to be one of the 7 Deadly Sings is in "Top 5 Things You Should Never, Ever Combine" right behind Tequila and Acid? Well, it is.
OH! Sorry. The whiskey's hitting me pretty hard now. Whew.....OK.
Q: I was watching the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" the other day, when I found out that neither my girlfriend nor a very good friend of mine had ever seen it. Can this injustice stand? What does one do in this troubling, troubling situation?
--Andy, Zihuatanejo, Mexico
A: I think many would agree that Shawshank is the best movie of the 1990s, unless your nominating Goodfellas or something. But let's go with it. First of all, why are you in a relationship with this girl? She's clearly detached from reality and, I'm sorry, if you can't reference Shawshank in everyday life in front of the woman you love (or love to fuck), that's not love. That's a lie. I mean, if you took a trip to Peru and were wandering around unfamiliar territory and you couldn't say "I feel like Brooks right after he got out of jail," you'd feel even more lost. Tell her she's got a week to see it or it's over. As for your good friend, tell him you'll buy him a bottle of (insert his favorite booze) here if he sees it. I mean, you just CAN'T GO THROUGH DAY-TO-DAY LIFE IF YOU CAN'T REFERENCE SHAWSHANK IN EVERYDAY CONVERSATION WITH THE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO YOU! What is WRONG with you people? This movie is for everyone. You know how I know? I was at a mental institution last week and they were showing it to all the residents. If you haven't seen it, you are less intelligent than a mentally insane person. How do you feel about that?
Q: Better Looking ESPN Female reporter: Rachel Nichols vs. Erin Andrews?
--C. Berman, Briston, CN.
A: Rahcel Nichols. Erin is pretty and all but how often do you come across the natural fire red hair? NOT OFTEN I SAY! Something about it just gets me all hot 'n bothered, unless my girlfriend is reading this, in which case, redheads are gross. Besides anyone related to you. (Oh Dolan, a save and a beauty!) Someone needs to remind me that writing things out like they are thoughts doesn't actually hide them from the person I don't want to read them. Let's move on before the rambling continues into an uncontrollable state of a complete, devoid feeling that can only be described as a stoner getting a call back to find out his dealer is out of weed. And you know what? That hurts.
Q: Michael Jackson's older brother has an 8-year old son named "Jermajesty." Besides the obvious absurdity of the name, it presents a golden opportunity for him to take his wife's last name and have one of the greatest names ever. Say, if Pittsburgh Penguins player Miroslav Satan had a daughter and Jermajesty took her name. Somebody needs to make this happen.
--P. Fitzgerald, Mt. Prospect, IL
A: I can only picture it now. The DMV, 10 years from now. "Jermajesty Satan, your license is ready." Could you ever imagine the looks extremely religious Latino women would give him? Oh my god, I would pay to see that. Wouldn't it be better though if he changed his name to a last name that was a first name? "Jermajesty Grant or Jermajesty Jenny." Someone with a girls first name as their last name needs to introduce their kids immediately. Unless their kids are over 18. That would just be super creepy. Like, Michael Jackson-creepy. Wow that was easy.
Q: Would you contract syphilis and have it known to the world to sleep with gymnast Nastia Liukin for an entire weekend (If you didn't have a girlfriend, of course)?
-- R. Kelly, Jail.
A: Only if she used me as the apparatus or the balance beam. (And I didn't have a girlfriend)
Q: Could you compare any sporting situation to the crisis in the Israel?
--A. Sharon, Jerusalem, Palestine.
A: Obviously, you could have said the Knicks last year. But now I have to get creative. Luckily for me, whiskey = creativity. Or is it stupidity? EIther way, I could compare the Middle East situation to one sporting situation: (me being offensive alert!) the Commish of the NBA is a Jew (David Stern). For the sake of me not having to research it, I'm going to say the guy who bought the Seattle Supersonics a few years ago is also Jewish. They (yes, they, Stern and the other terrorist) hijacked the team to Oklahoma City, which is like moving the beach to Alaska. So the players were forced to move (just like the Palestinians) somewhere against their will. Numerous Seattle fans were crushed (like the Palestinians) while the Jews just went to the bank to cash in their profits from their fake NBA team that doesn't deserve a name. They should be the Oklahoma City Palestinians.
Q: Everyone talks about the greatest nude scenes in the history of cinema. Well, I don't. I know only your diligent research can uncover the answer to this question: what is the single worst nude scene in the history of cinema? And a follow up: what kind of money would it take to get you to film said scene?
--R.Ebert, Chicago, IL
A: Wow, another great question to think about while I'm drunk off my ass. WHO CARES?! Since you do, I'll find out. Wasn't Kathy Bates nude in "About Schmidt"? (researches) Yes, she was briefly. So that is the worst, because she is not attractive and she's old. Plus, she's fat. What was Jack Nicholson thinking (Oscar Oscar Oscar Oscar Please Oscar)? I'd film it for $10, I'm broke. Plus, I've seen women uglier than that naked (don't ask how). I need money, pay me.
Q: What is the worse decision in this situation: Jimmy Fallon taking over Conan O'Brien's hour of late late night or Jay Leno going primetime, giving them 3 hours of talk shows in a row?
--D.Letterman, New York, NY.
A: God I just loate Jimmy Fallon. Hate Hate Hate. These are both bad decisions, but NBC couldn't put a quality show on if it had Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, and Eva Mendes as professional mud wrestlers. Wait. Yeah, that would work (hopefully on HBO, though). Still, they need Leno. Nobody needs Jimmy Fallon. I mean, wouldn't someone like the body of a dead man be funnier than Jimmy Fallon? This idea terrifies me more than the Andy Reid and Kathy Bates questions combined. And that's an awful lot of food and saggyness to get over.
Q: Everyone knows that Disneyland is a kids paradise. What about the paradise of other age groups? Say 20s, 30s, 40s, etc. Take into account that by 30, that person is probably married.
--S.Holmes, London, England.
A: Kids have it pretty easy. I remember complaining about school and now when I hear a kid complain about it, I just want to yell in the kids face "DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD YOU GOT IT?!" The paradise for a 20 year old is Amsterdam, it's Disney World for young adults. The paradise for a 30 and above is Vegas. It's close, and since you'll probably be married, how many places can you get away with going? Not many. You can get drunk, gamble, and, if you're not getting any at home or your just a douche, you can get laid for cash. Ahh, Vegas....where dreams and marriages go to die (or live, I guess).
Q: I live near a town called Villa Park in Illinois. My friend and I were having a debate about what a person from Villa Park would be called. We couldn't agree on anything so we figured you could just make one up for us.
--A. Al-Fayed, Villa Park, IL.
A: That is a tough one. I'd say Villa Parker but that sounds like your parking a car. How bout Villa Parkas? That sounds catchy. And warm. I live in Mount Prospect and Arlington Heights. What would that be? (Besides rich! Ka-Ching!) Mount Prospector and Arlington Heighty. Wow, I'm like gold. Gold bars of schlagger. Oy vei, I'm starting to come down from the Whiskey Effect, hold on while I get another drink.
Q: How many actresses are there where you would pay to see an absolutely terrible movie they were in (knowing the pictures will never be available on the internet), provided there was a 1 second scene of her naked?
--B. Dolan, Mt. Prospect, IL
A: Back and ready for drunk! Anyways. I read your question and answer this way: there is only one. It's not because she's the hottest girl in the world in my eyes, because she's not. I just....I can't keep imagining what it looks like. And it'll never happen, whereas I'm thinking most other actresses will show a little at some point. But not this one. Oh, no. I could just picture her now with her stupid hockey player boyfriend saying "Oh! A script with nudity in it! Throw this one in the fire, honey." So when I go out on this limb that many others would not join me on, the only actress (maybe girls that aren't actresses, but that's so far beside the point, Sarah Palin could see it from her porch) I would pay to see naked for 1 second in a hideous movie would be....Hilary Duff. Sorry. You asked. Oh no, wait. I made the questions up. Damn I'm writing out my thoughts again. Whiskey strong.
Q: I see you picked an episode called "The Naked Man" as one of your favs of the year. I saw the episode, in which a chubby man goes on a date with an attractive woman. The date doesn't go so well but he's invited in to use the bathroom or something. While the woman's in the other room, the man takes off all his clothes and awaits the woman's return to see if she goes for it. The episode said it worked (worked = got laid) 2 out of 3 times. Could this move possibly work?
-NPH, Manhattan, NY.
A: Jesus Christ, are you an idiot? Does it look like I know ANYTHING about picking up women? I haven't had many relationships and the longest one I've had, introduced herself to me, rather than the other way around. I will attempt to answer it though. If you work out and have a good body for a dude and the girl is either a) a slut, b) mega-horny, or c) desperate then it might work. However, you should be prepared to be kicked out of the apartment with out your clothes. So, you know, hide your wallet and phone somewhere. Or...don't, actually. That's fucked up. I mean, if this actually worked, wouldn't almost every guy just start doing it? Hell, I would try this if I heard (and confirmed) it actually worked for someone. Just goes to show you the desperation of man that we ever have to come up with ideas like this. And women want equal rights? YOU GUYS ALREADY CONTROL EVERYTHING!!
I hope you all learned your lesson today. Drinking and blogging is much more dangerous and disturbing than once thought. It will never, ever happen again. I hope my obvious drunkenness at least gave you a little chuckle as you skimmed through this months mailbag. What comes next for the blog? Who knows. But you can be sure my sober demeanor will be prepared to infiltrate knowledge into your mind like a AIDS awareness teacher in Africa. If you didn't like the blog today, make like a goldfish and forget it. Complainers don't bring out creativity. And neither does whiskey. That brings out stupidity and arrest warrants. For now though, i must make like a Bulgarian and say Doskoro! Happy Obama Day Everyone!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Even Death is a Laughing Matter
You don't find too many people out there who find death funny. Even though it usually is rather tragic and depressing, death has its fine points as well. Death can serve as a period on the dramatic sentence of a well-lived life, if you will. Most deaths disappear into the air or ground (or ocean, if it sucks to be you) with little remembrance of a life gone by. Well, I'm here to remind you that remembrance isn't always a good thing. Sometimes it's better to just be forgotten. These are the The 7 Most Embarrassing Self-Inflicted Deaths (Not Suicides).
7. Chrysippus
Date of Death: 207 BC in Greece
Age: 73, more or less. Give me a break, it was 2200 years ago.
The Happenstance: Good ol' Chysippus was a very renowned stoic philosopher, for it was he who popularized stoic philosophy. So we can agree he was an intelligent, respected man, right? Well, the way he died seemed like how an alcoholic farmhand would die. One day, Chrysippus had too much wine. He couldn't drink anymore so he decided he would channel wine through his donkey. The donkey became very drunk. The donkey tried to eat some of Chrysippus' figs. Chrysippus thought this was rather funny. So funny, in fact, that he died because he was drunk, 72, and laughing too hard at his drunk donkey trying to eat Greece's version of the Fig Newton. Modern equivalent: turtle trying to eat a steak.
6. Jack Daniels
Date of Death: October 10, 1911 in Lynchburg, Tennessee, which may be the most offensive city name in America.
Age: 61
The Happenstance: The Whiskey maker and Lynchburger, Jack's death took a little more time than the others. You see, it isn't always changing a light bulb over the running water of a bathtub that makes the accidental death news. Sir Daniels (as hes called in my house) was having trouble opening his safe, as he forgot the combo, presumably while 100% sober. As Jack screamed "What in tarnation?!" and hit the safe with his shoe, he remembered seeing a game of soccer and thought "Kicking. That's what opens metal." So he kicked the safe as hard as he could. Although he didn't die right then and there, six years late Jacky Boy succumbed to lead poisoning in his foot and passed into alcy heaven. As requested in his will, the combo for his safe is on every bottle of Jack :45% A.B.V. or 45-01-02-22. Jack's memory lives on in the hearts and minds of every drinker who's puked and passed out on a stranger's lawn.
5. Eleazar Maccabeus
Date of Death: 162 BC in Israel at the Battle of Beth-zechariah, around the West Bank, where they finally have achieved peace!
Age: Unknown but rather young, presumably. Presumably he existed. Presumably.
The Happenstance: Eleazar, a young and important Jew (like Seth Green!), died a hero. Or an idiot, depending on how you look at it. During the battle of (Jewish sounding words), Eleazar spotted the king of the opposing side on a large elephant, as if there were any other kind! Instead of stabbing it in the head or something, Eleazar sneaked up, sat under the elephant and speared him like Jesus on the cross (too soon?). There was one fault with Eleazar's brilliant plan: things that get stabbed die and, thus, cannot stand up. The elephant ended up Yokozuna-ing his ass, flattening him like a pancake at a Waffle House. Even though young, young Eleazar died a hero, it was bittersweet. Eleazar only thought that the elephant was carrying the king, as he missed his appointment at Pearl Vision earlier that morning. It just goes to show that if you kill anything as a Jewish warrior, you are remembered fondly. Why do you think one of the guys who launched the missiles into Gaza last week was recently seen partying with fellow-Jew Natalie Portman? (re: Jews do NOT know how to party. They were seen coming out of a Kosher Bar at 8:15.)
4. Jennifer Strange
Date of Death: January 12, 2007 in Rancho Cordova, California
Age: 28 year old, mother of 3
The Happenstance: Poor Jenny was participating in a radio contest to try and win a Ninetndo Wii for her kids. What she didn't know was that if you hold your bladder for a long period of time after drinking lots of water, well that's not good for you. Unfortunately, Jennifer didn't know this going into the "Hold your Wee for a Wii" contest put on by the clever radio station in the Sacramento area. After the contest was over, Jennifer was on her way home and in "extreme pain" since had consumed almost 80 or so ounces of water in an hour without urinating. About an hour later, Strange was found dead in her home by her mother, due to water intoxication. The worst part: she didn't even win! Poor kids of hers. Surprisingly, no criminal charges were filed against the producers or hosts of the show, who received numerous calls warning about a possible danger in the contest of death, but the DJs laughed it off. They were subsequently fired and now are doing the same contests behind a 7-11 with homeless people and presumably will be sued until they have no money left. Even more bittersweet for Jenny's family: Wii's are now on sale across the country.
3. Tycho Brahe
Date of Death: October 24, 1601 in Prague, Czech Republic (then Bohemia)
Age: 54
The Happenstance: Tycho was attending a lavish dinner party at some fancy dude's home in Prague. They had no doubt consumed a rather large amount of wine throughout dinner, which would make even the most iron bladdered man to have to use the little boys room (or the little girls room if he's a pervert). However, it was considered extremely bad etiquette to leave the table during a nice dinner, such as the one Tycho was at. While the table was discussing astrology, since Tycho was part-astrologist, Tycho was rocking back and forth saying "yeah, YES, THE EARTH IS FLAT GODDAMNIT! ARE WE DONE HERE?!" The dinner party just dragged on and on, until one of the guests sitting next to Tycho said "hey, what's that warm liquid touching my leg? And why is Brahe unconscious or dead?" Well, it turned out that that warm liquid was pee and Brahe had died, right there at the dinner table. His pants were covered in piss, like the old lady from Billy Madison, and yes I only included that line so I could make that movie reference. Although other accounts of his death include murder speculations, I'd like to think that this whole story is true just for the selfish purpose of not rendering my sacred blog invalid. Seriously, this blog is like all I got right now.
2. Sigurd the Mighty of Orkney
Date of Death: Died 892 AD in Northern Scotland, as if there was a different kind of Scotland
Age: Unknown. Vikings didn't start printing birth certificates until around 900 AD.
The Happenstance: Sigurd here was the Viking Earl of Orkney who succeeded his brother, Ragnald the Wise (not to be confused with the other Ragnald). During Sigurd's conquest of Scotland, he beheaded one of the Scottish kingdom rulers. Instead of just letting it be since, you know, the guy was dead, Sigurd couldn't resist his inner Viking and strapped the ruler's head to his saddle. Since a horse doesn't ride as smooth as, say, one of those VW Vans from the 70s, the head kept bobbing against Sigurd's tree trunk of a leg. In what has to be the worst sequence of road head, the teeth of the head broke his skin open and since the Viking word for toothbrush is "chicken bone", Sigurd's leg was predictably infected. As the Viking word for medicine was "bludgeon," the infection spread throughout his body until it killed him. Before I make another Viking dictionary joke, I will leave you with the following so you do not have to hear it:
Oh that's right. I went there.
1. Franz Reichelt
Date of Death: February 4, 1912 in Paris, France
Age: Sometime in his 40s, unless the French age well. Wait...do they? Does not showering make you look older or younger?
The Happenstance: Franz was an Austrian tailor living in Paris. Business was down until Franz got a great idea and it wasn't to tell Germany that France would lie down if they invaded. With the popularity of planes growing, Franz attempted to capitalize on the potentially growing industry. He figured people would need to jump out of these flying contraptions, so he tried to make an invention no sky diver takes for granted: the parachute. This is like an auto mechanic designing a plane. Probably not the safest idea. Undettered by his detractors and his own stupidity, Franz decided that his parachute needed to be tested if people were going to buy it. What Franz didn't know was that people didn't WANT to need a parachute. And since about 5 people could afford flying in Paris, his market would be somewhat limited. One thing Franz did have going for him was that the Eiffel Tower, then the tallest man-made structure, was right in his backyard (not literally, he was just a tailor), available for his any or last desire (key word: last). Franz ascended to the first deck of the Tower, about 200 feet in the air, and said "Wii. This es la perfecta location four mi fateful jump." What happened next could be compared to a wrestler jumping off the top rope and missing, except that the top rope was 200 feet high and the mat was cement. Although the French attempted to insult him for his failure, he was dead and the French were about to be rocked by the Germans in World War I. So maybe Franz got the better end of the deal. I mean, have YOU ever been invaded by Germany? They are mean. Like a nursing home patient who sends back their order. If you want to laugh at a person dying, here's the video of him "soaring" to his death.
Hope you enjoyed the deaths of these unfortunate people who probably would have rather just had a fatal seizure or something. But what can you do, somebody's deaths have to entertain us. In other blog news, I have a new mailbag coming up for you ladies and gentlemen. I'm gonna try and get one up every month this year. I can only knock on wood that today's blog will help look at death in a lighter point of view. No doubt that death is not easy, I'm definitely not saying to think of it that way. But death can be funny, on occasions, when stupid people do stupid things. Any of the above people could have avoided their deaths and only their stubbornness or idiocy prevented their lives from continuing. Anyways, I'll see you next time with the mailbag and until then, catch the new Flight of the Conchords or read up on the middle east. Hasta luego, amigas.
7. Chrysippus
Date of Death: 207 BC in Greece
Age: 73, more or less. Give me a break, it was 2200 years ago.
The Happenstance: Good ol' Chysippus was a very renowned stoic philosopher, for it was he who popularized stoic philosophy. So we can agree he was an intelligent, respected man, right? Well, the way he died seemed like how an alcoholic farmhand would die. One day, Chrysippus had too much wine. He couldn't drink anymore so he decided he would channel wine through his donkey. The donkey became very drunk. The donkey tried to eat some of Chrysippus' figs. Chrysippus thought this was rather funny. So funny, in fact, that he died because he was drunk, 72, and laughing too hard at his drunk donkey trying to eat Greece's version of the Fig Newton. Modern equivalent: turtle trying to eat a steak.
6. Jack Daniels
Date of Death: October 10, 1911 in Lynchburg, Tennessee, which may be the most offensive city name in America.
Age: 61
The Happenstance: The Whiskey maker and Lynchburger, Jack's death took a little more time than the others. You see, it isn't always changing a light bulb over the running water of a bathtub that makes the accidental death news. Sir Daniels (as hes called in my house) was having trouble opening his safe, as he forgot the combo, presumably while 100% sober. As Jack screamed "What in tarnation?!" and hit the safe with his shoe, he remembered seeing a game of soccer and thought "Kicking. That's what opens metal." So he kicked the safe as hard as he could. Although he didn't die right then and there, six years late Jacky Boy succumbed to lead poisoning in his foot and passed into alcy heaven. As requested in his will, the combo for his safe is on every bottle of Jack :45% A.B.V. or 45-01-02-22. Jack's memory lives on in the hearts and minds of every drinker who's puked and passed out on a stranger's lawn.
5. Eleazar Maccabeus
Date of Death: 162 BC in Israel at the Battle of Beth-zechariah, around the West Bank, where they finally have achieved peace!
Age: Unknown but rather young, presumably. Presumably he existed. Presumably.
The Happenstance: Eleazar, a young and important Jew (like Seth Green!), died a hero. Or an idiot, depending on how you look at it. During the battle of (Jewish sounding words), Eleazar spotted the king of the opposing side on a large elephant, as if there were any other kind! Instead of stabbing it in the head or something, Eleazar sneaked up, sat under the elephant and speared him like Jesus on the cross (too soon?). There was one fault with Eleazar's brilliant plan: things that get stabbed die and, thus, cannot stand up. The elephant ended up Yokozuna-ing his ass, flattening him like a pancake at a Waffle House. Even though young, young Eleazar died a hero, it was bittersweet. Eleazar only thought that the elephant was carrying the king, as he missed his appointment at Pearl Vision earlier that morning. It just goes to show that if you kill anything as a Jewish warrior, you are remembered fondly. Why do you think one of the guys who launched the missiles into Gaza last week was recently seen partying with fellow-Jew Natalie Portman? (re: Jews do NOT know how to party. They were seen coming out of a Kosher Bar at 8:15.)
4. Jennifer Strange
Date of Death: January 12, 2007 in Rancho Cordova, California
Age: 28 year old, mother of 3
The Happenstance: Poor Jenny was participating in a radio contest to try and win a Ninetndo Wii for her kids. What she didn't know was that if you hold your bladder for a long period of time after drinking lots of water, well that's not good for you. Unfortunately, Jennifer didn't know this going into the "Hold your Wee for a Wii" contest put on by the clever radio station in the Sacramento area. After the contest was over, Jennifer was on her way home and in "extreme pain" since had consumed almost 80 or so ounces of water in an hour without urinating. About an hour later, Strange was found dead in her home by her mother, due to water intoxication. The worst part: she didn't even win! Poor kids of hers. Surprisingly, no criminal charges were filed against the producers or hosts of the show, who received numerous calls warning about a possible danger in the contest of death, but the DJs laughed it off. They were subsequently fired and now are doing the same contests behind a 7-11 with homeless people and presumably will be sued until they have no money left. Even more bittersweet for Jenny's family: Wii's are now on sale across the country.
3. Tycho Brahe
Date of Death: October 24, 1601 in Prague, Czech Republic (then Bohemia)
Age: 54
The Happenstance: Tycho was attending a lavish dinner party at some fancy dude's home in Prague. They had no doubt consumed a rather large amount of wine throughout dinner, which would make even the most iron bladdered man to have to use the little boys room (or the little girls room if he's a pervert). However, it was considered extremely bad etiquette to leave the table during a nice dinner, such as the one Tycho was at. While the table was discussing astrology, since Tycho was part-astrologist, Tycho was rocking back and forth saying "yeah, YES, THE EARTH IS FLAT GODDAMNIT! ARE WE DONE HERE?!" The dinner party just dragged on and on, until one of the guests sitting next to Tycho said "hey, what's that warm liquid touching my leg? And why is Brahe unconscious or dead?" Well, it turned out that that warm liquid was pee and Brahe had died, right there at the dinner table. His pants were covered in piss, like the old lady from Billy Madison, and yes I only included that line so I could make that movie reference. Although other accounts of his death include murder speculations, I'd like to think that this whole story is true just for the selfish purpose of not rendering my sacred blog invalid. Seriously, this blog is like all I got right now.
2. Sigurd the Mighty of Orkney
Date of Death: Died 892 AD in Northern Scotland, as if there was a different kind of Scotland
Age: Unknown. Vikings didn't start printing birth certificates until around 900 AD.
The Happenstance: Sigurd here was the Viking Earl of Orkney who succeeded his brother, Ragnald the Wise (not to be confused with the other Ragnald). During Sigurd's conquest of Scotland, he beheaded one of the Scottish kingdom rulers. Instead of just letting it be since, you know, the guy was dead, Sigurd couldn't resist his inner Viking and strapped the ruler's head to his saddle. Since a horse doesn't ride as smooth as, say, one of those VW Vans from the 70s, the head kept bobbing against Sigurd's tree trunk of a leg. In what has to be the worst sequence of road head, the teeth of the head broke his skin open and since the Viking word for toothbrush is "chicken bone", Sigurd's leg was predictably infected. As the Viking word for medicine was "bludgeon," the infection spread throughout his body until it killed him. Before I make another Viking dictionary joke, I will leave you with the following so you do not have to hear it:
Oh that's right. I went there.
1. Franz Reichelt
Date of Death: February 4, 1912 in Paris, France
Age: Sometime in his 40s, unless the French age well. Wait...do they? Does not showering make you look older or younger?
The Happenstance: Franz was an Austrian tailor living in Paris. Business was down until Franz got a great idea and it wasn't to tell Germany that France would lie down if they invaded. With the popularity of planes growing, Franz attempted to capitalize on the potentially growing industry. He figured people would need to jump out of these flying contraptions, so he tried to make an invention no sky diver takes for granted: the parachute. This is like an auto mechanic designing a plane. Probably not the safest idea. Undettered by his detractors and his own stupidity, Franz decided that his parachute needed to be tested if people were going to buy it. What Franz didn't know was that people didn't WANT to need a parachute. And since about 5 people could afford flying in Paris, his market would be somewhat limited. One thing Franz did have going for him was that the Eiffel Tower, then the tallest man-made structure, was right in his backyard (not literally, he was just a tailor), available for his any or last desire (key word: last). Franz ascended to the first deck of the Tower, about 200 feet in the air, and said "Wii. This es la perfecta location four mi fateful jump." What happened next could be compared to a wrestler jumping off the top rope and missing, except that the top rope was 200 feet high and the mat was cement. Although the French attempted to insult him for his failure, he was dead and the French were about to be rocked by the Germans in World War I. So maybe Franz got the better end of the deal. I mean, have YOU ever been invaded by Germany? They are mean. Like a nursing home patient who sends back their order. If you want to laugh at a person dying, here's the video of him "soaring" to his death.
Hope you enjoyed the deaths of these unfortunate people who probably would have rather just had a fatal seizure or something. But what can you do, somebody's deaths have to entertain us. In other blog news, I have a new mailbag coming up for you ladies and gentlemen. I'm gonna try and get one up every month this year. I can only knock on wood that today's blog will help look at death in a lighter point of view. No doubt that death is not easy, I'm definitely not saying to think of it that way. But death can be funny, on occasions, when stupid people do stupid things. Any of the above people could have avoided their deaths and only their stubbornness or idiocy prevented their lives from continuing. Anyways, I'll see you next time with the mailbag and until then, catch the new Flight of the Conchords or read up on the middle east. Hasta luego, amigas.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
The Best and Worst: Small Screen Edition
I know many of you don't have as much time on your hands and, thus, don't watch nearly as much TV as I do. Well, I have a DVR and am unemployed, so what the hell do you expect? In between my job searches, blogs, and traveling, I am an easy man to entertain when I watch TV. For those that don't watch much, maybe this will help steer you in the right direction next time you get some free time. For now, sit back and enjoy my Best and Worst TV of 2008. Also, I'll have another blog up in the next few days as well. Here we go.
5 Worst TV Shows of 2008
5. Everything Post-Strike
After the WGA strike, shows rushed to try and squeeze in more episodes so people didn't forget about them. Quality suffered, reality tv reigned, and I was forced to turn to watch Sportscenter 7 times a day.
4. Dexter
For those that don't know, Dexter is Showtime's critically lauded show about a serial killer who only kills other killers, in between his day job as a blood analyst for Miami police. Well, the writers decided to give Dexter a touchy-feely side that feel out of sorts with his character and induced more than a few cringe-worthy moments for a show that once mesmerized me at it's quality.
3. House (Fall Season)
House was a show I never really got into until I found myself with more time on my hands than a homeless wino. I rented the DVDs and caught up, really enjoying the first 4 seasons. Well, so far, in the fall House has been a disorganized mess, abandoning plot points, giving minor characters immense amounts of screen time, and forcing relationships. House used to be a great look into a deflecting, disturbed doctor's mind but now, it's just trying too hard.
2. Entourage
Minus the very-cool Martin Scorsese moment at the end, Entourage was boring, convoluted, and seemed to turn into a parody of itself. I don't even want to get into why I disliked this season so much, but for a show that used to deliver hilarious banter and situations, it's so unbelievably baffling the direction it has taken. (Yeah, I get it. E's short, Drama's old, and Turtle's fat.) If it wasn't for Jeremy Piven, I may have given up on this show.
1. Heroes
What started as one of the best concepts for a TV show has turned into the biggest disappointments in the history of my TV watching life. Characters switching sides every 10 minutes, acting that borders on self-parody, plot points that make you want to throw something at the TV, awful, awful, awful writing, under usage of the best characters, merge different character with different character every week just made the show a laughing matter that has turned into a joke. Usually, I don't wish cancellation on a TV show like this but I hope it does or I fear I may keep watching and watching until my brain melts.
5 Best TV Episodes of 2008
5. How I Met Your Mother
Episode: "The Naked Man" (Season 4, Ep. 9)
For a show that I never expected much out of, I find Neil Patrick Harris utterly hilarious to the point where I must watch this show just to watch his comedic stylings. It's still a little sitcom-y, but this episode about a guy who sleeps with one of the group members because he got naked while she was in the bathroom after a bad first date is quite funny. As the other group members try the same thing, it just makes you wonder if the move would actually work on any girl as you laugh hysterically.
4. House
Episodes: "House's Head/Wilson's Heart" (Season 4, Ep. 15/16)
I know I just ripped House but the Spring season was actually pretty good. The season finale in May was a true gem in the show's history. It's trippy, sad, and has all the elements of House that made it a good show in the first place. It might seem overly flashy but I think the element adds to the intrigue of the episode as well as the impending tragedy that is found out in the second half. This is how a finale should be written.
3. Friday Night Lights
Episode: "Hello, Goodbye" (Season 3, Ep. 4)
FTL is a show I just love and can't understand how everyone in the universe doesn't. This episode (which aired on DirectTV and soon to be NBC) shows the departure of one of the show's stars as he gets into Texas A&M, even after busting up his knee badly. It was one of the show's best moments, for one of the best shows of the decade. The ending is enough to bring a grown man to tears, but since I'm not that grown yet, I didn't cry that much.
2. Mad Men
Episode: Pick 'em (any Season 2 Episode)
For those of you that don't watch Mad Men, get caught up. It is one of the best shows I've ever seen and I say that after only 2 seasons. The look back into the nostalgia and ignorance of the 1950s is mesmerizing and enthralling. Comedic, tragic, and extremely well-developed characters in the Madison Ave ad agency serviced up one of the best TV seasons I've seen in recent memory.
1. Lost
Episode: "The Constant" (Season 4, Ep. 5)
For me, "Lost" is and has been the best show on TV since its first season. This episode may be my favorite of the series so far. Lost is at it's best when it focuses on the desperation and connections of the characters, rather then the sometimes overdone mythos of the show. It's never been better than it is in "The Constant." It's so well-done, so simply well-put that nothing else could have sufficed. With such a diverse cast, a stand-alone episode for one character is risky but with "The Constant," Lost writers pulled out a magical little gem in what was a rather bad year for TV.
There ya go for now. I'm a little tired, so I'll keep it short. I'll be back in a few days with a new blog for your liking. Maybe you liked this one, maybe you didn't, but I just did it because I was wanting to write something I could free flow without starting and stopping to think. So there you have it. Hope to see ya'll again real soon and until I do, buenas dias senores!
5 Worst TV Shows of 2008
5. Everything Post-Strike
After the WGA strike, shows rushed to try and squeeze in more episodes so people didn't forget about them. Quality suffered, reality tv reigned, and I was forced to turn to watch Sportscenter 7 times a day.
4. Dexter
For those that don't know, Dexter is Showtime's critically lauded show about a serial killer who only kills other killers, in between his day job as a blood analyst for Miami police. Well, the writers decided to give Dexter a touchy-feely side that feel out of sorts with his character and induced more than a few cringe-worthy moments for a show that once mesmerized me at it's quality.
3. House (Fall Season)
House was a show I never really got into until I found myself with more time on my hands than a homeless wino. I rented the DVDs and caught up, really enjoying the first 4 seasons. Well, so far, in the fall House has been a disorganized mess, abandoning plot points, giving minor characters immense amounts of screen time, and forcing relationships. House used to be a great look into a deflecting, disturbed doctor's mind but now, it's just trying too hard.
2. Entourage
Minus the very-cool Martin Scorsese moment at the end, Entourage was boring, convoluted, and seemed to turn into a parody of itself. I don't even want to get into why I disliked this season so much, but for a show that used to deliver hilarious banter and situations, it's so unbelievably baffling the direction it has taken. (Yeah, I get it. E's short, Drama's old, and Turtle's fat.) If it wasn't for Jeremy Piven, I may have given up on this show.
1. Heroes
What started as one of the best concepts for a TV show has turned into the biggest disappointments in the history of my TV watching life. Characters switching sides every 10 minutes, acting that borders on self-parody, plot points that make you want to throw something at the TV, awful, awful, awful writing, under usage of the best characters, merge different character with different character every week just made the show a laughing matter that has turned into a joke. Usually, I don't wish cancellation on a TV show like this but I hope it does or I fear I may keep watching and watching until my brain melts.
5 Best TV Episodes of 2008
5. How I Met Your Mother
Episode: "The Naked Man" (Season 4, Ep. 9)
For a show that I never expected much out of, I find Neil Patrick Harris utterly hilarious to the point where I must watch this show just to watch his comedic stylings. It's still a little sitcom-y, but this episode about a guy who sleeps with one of the group members because he got naked while she was in the bathroom after a bad first date is quite funny. As the other group members try the same thing, it just makes you wonder if the move would actually work on any girl as you laugh hysterically.
4. House
Episodes: "House's Head/Wilson's Heart" (Season 4, Ep. 15/16)
I know I just ripped House but the Spring season was actually pretty good. The season finale in May was a true gem in the show's history. It's trippy, sad, and has all the elements of House that made it a good show in the first place. It might seem overly flashy but I think the element adds to the intrigue of the episode as well as the impending tragedy that is found out in the second half. This is how a finale should be written.
3. Friday Night Lights
Episode: "Hello, Goodbye" (Season 3, Ep. 4)
FTL is a show I just love and can't understand how everyone in the universe doesn't. This episode (which aired on DirectTV and soon to be NBC) shows the departure of one of the show's stars as he gets into Texas A&M, even after busting up his knee badly. It was one of the show's best moments, for one of the best shows of the decade. The ending is enough to bring a grown man to tears, but since I'm not that grown yet, I didn't cry that much.
2. Mad Men
Episode: Pick 'em (any Season 2 Episode)
For those of you that don't watch Mad Men, get caught up. It is one of the best shows I've ever seen and I say that after only 2 seasons. The look back into the nostalgia and ignorance of the 1950s is mesmerizing and enthralling. Comedic, tragic, and extremely well-developed characters in the Madison Ave ad agency serviced up one of the best TV seasons I've seen in recent memory.
1. Lost
Episode: "The Constant" (Season 4, Ep. 5)
For me, "Lost" is and has been the best show on TV since its first season. This episode may be my favorite of the series so far. Lost is at it's best when it focuses on the desperation and connections of the characters, rather then the sometimes overdone mythos of the show. It's never been better than it is in "The Constant." It's so well-done, so simply well-put that nothing else could have sufficed. With such a diverse cast, a stand-alone episode for one character is risky but with "The Constant," Lost writers pulled out a magical little gem in what was a rather bad year for TV.
There ya go for now. I'm a little tired, so I'll keep it short. I'll be back in a few days with a new blog for your liking. Maybe you liked this one, maybe you didn't, but I just did it because I was wanting to write something I could free flow without starting and stopping to think. So there you have it. Hope to see ya'll again real soon and until I do, buenas dias senores!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Off the Post
After going to England, I'm in a soccerlicious mood. Therefore, you will have to endure through my mood with me as I blog about it. So DEAL WITH IT! As you may or may not know, sports have always been a way to bring people together. Even if it brings them together with the other person's fist. That, I hope it's safe to say, is not the greatest thing about sports. The greatest thing about sports is that at any moment, anything could happen. The whole mood of a city can change in an instant. People go from celebration drinking (Week 16) to drowning their sorrows (Week 17). Believe it or not, this kind of stuff happens in soccer too. Maybe even more so. So without further adieu, I present to you The Best Soccer Games from Various Events. Let's kick it.
Best English Cup Match
Date/Match-Up: May 13, 2006: Liverpool v. West Ham
Background: This matchup between two top-10 top-level clubs was to decide the English Cup in the 2005-2006 season. Liverpool went in as the favorites, even though they play offense like the Bears: slow, boring, and not often.
Result: West Ham went up 2-0 early and led 2-1 at the half. Liverpool captain Steven Garrard, who recently was arrested for beating up a DJ who wouldn't play a Phil Collins song (read: not a joke), tied it 10 minutes into the second half before West Ham re-took the lead 10 minutes later. West Ham looked like they were going on to victory before they were thwarted again when Garrard sent a rocket in the air that night, OH LORD! The game went into extra time, until that ran out and penalty kicks were needed to decide the match. Liverpool goalie Pepe "LePeau" Reina atoned for earlier mistakes by keeping out 3 of West Ham's 4 penalties to win it for Liverpool and sending the London-based West Ham fans on a long drive back to a pub to spend some pounds on some pints. (I picked up all that lingo in London)
Here is Steven Garrard's rather impressive (or deflating, depending on who you ask) strike from about 35 yards out:
Best American Game
Date/Match-Up: June 5, 2002: Portugal v. USA
Background: At the 2002 World Cup, the U.S. was looking to make a better showing than their 32nd (last) place finish in the 1998 World Cup. Portugal was heavily favored and was thinking "America has a soccer team? What's next, Russia with a beach volleyball team? A Jamaican bobsled team? Bwahahaha."
Results: Contrary to popular belief, the US DOES have a soccer team, Russia does have a beach volleyball team, and the Jamaican's (Cool Runnings Reference Alert!) do have a bobsled team. The U.S. scored within the first 5 minutes, then again 25 minutes later on an own goal (there is nothing funnier or more tragic in sports than an own goal) to go up 2-0. Then Buffalo Grove's finest, Brian McBride, put the U.S. ahead 3-0, an extremely large margin, 5 minutes later. The Portuguese, looking as baffled as Kosuke Fukudome on an offspeed pitch, put in two goals before the end but could not add a third as the U.S. won the game and took away Portugal's spot into the next round, in which the U.S. beat Mexico (it's like the same country anyway) to advance to the quarterfinals before losing to the runner-up Nazi Germany. The U.S. has not won a World Cup game since and soccer is back to normal here.
Here are the U.S.'s goals from the Portugal game, a memorable game (well, maybe to some):
Best UEFA Cup Game
Date/Match-Up: May 16, 2001: Liverpool v. Deportivo Alaves
Background: (The UEFA is a second-tier tournament in which clubs who finish in the second tier of their top divisions compete against other European clubs of the same nature.) Liverpool's basically won everything a thousand times so it's no surprise they were in the finals, but Deportivo Alaves was a very surprising (like the Rays in the World Series) entry into the final, looking for their first trophy of any kind, except when they won the Pinewood Derby in Cub Scouts. Oh, wait. That was me. Anyways...
Results: The match was a goal-fest-stravaganza. Liverpool took a early 2 goal lead with goals from Markus Babel and Mr. Phil himself, Steven Garrard and then had a 3-1 lead at halftime. Five minutes into halftime, however, striker Javi Moreno of Deportivo Alaves scored two goals in just five minutes to even things up and stun the Liverpoolians. After another goal by Liverpool 20 minutes later, Deportivo Alaves amazingly tied the game up again with just 2 minutes left to force extra time and give the young team yet another chance. As dreams so often do, the amazing run ended in tragedy when D.A., just 5 minutes away from forcing Penalty Kicks, netted a goal in their own net to give the game to Liverpool 5-4. The loss is something only Cubs fans can empathize with.
Here are the highlights from the tragic game:
Best World Cup Match
Date/Match-Up: June 17, 1970: West Germany vs. Italy
Background: The 1970 World Cup, often considered the best ever, featured many entertaining matches but Germany against Italy had to have been the best. In the Semi's, with the winner facing Brazil, the two members of the Axis of Evil went at it like Mussolini and Hitler in a Steel Cage Match (alert: idea that's too good).
Results: It was a rather dull match until the final minutes with Italy up 1-0. Then, West Germany scored to tie it in the last minute and force extra time, where things finally get good. Ever met a boring girl who was OK looking and hook up with her but then hang out with her again and she's actually really interesting and even hotter than you thought? That's kind of how this game went. First, Germany scored a befitting socialist goal that somehow rolled in to take the lead within 5 minutes. Italy scored 4 minutes later, then 6 minutes after that to take a 3-2 lead. Then, 5 minutes after that, Germany scored to tie the game again at 3-3. One minute later, Italy scored the game winner, ending an exceptional stretch of 5 goals in 17 minutes. I don't even know what to compare that to, it's so unprecedented. Wait, I got it. Goals were getting put in faster than new Roman Emperors (alert: history joke!).
Here's a little look at all the goals scored in the overtime period:
Best UEFA Champions League Match (Tie)
Date/Match-Up: May 25, 2005: Liverpool vs. AC Milan
Background: (The Champions League is like the UEFA Cup, except for the top tier teams in Europe) Milan (Italy) went into the match as the favorites, having won 6 Champions League Finals to Liverpool's 4. The match took place in Istanbul, not Constantinople like originally planed, in front of 70,000 fans. Surprisingly, there was no violent or controversial encounters between the I- tie's and the British Empire.
Result: Milan got off to about an early a lead as you can, scoring in the first minute in the game. Then, late in the first half, Milan striker Herman Crespo put in two goals within 6 minutes of each other to give Milan a tre goal lead, 3-0, at half time. Liverpool, as they so often do, came back with a goal by, I-only-have-so-many-Phil-Collins-jokes, Steven Garrard. Two minutes later, Liverpool struck again to make it 3-2 and minutes later were awarded a penalty kick. Xabi Alonso was denied like a virgin at a frat party but followed up his miss to put it in and tie the game, overcoming a 3 goal deficit in just 7 minutes. The game remained tied until after extra time, forcing penalty kicks. Liverpool, who can resist Penalty Kicks about as much as Oprah can resist women (they can't), made their first 2 and Milan missed their first 2, giving Liverpool a 2-0 advantage by the art of logical deduction. Milan made their next 2 while Liverpool made one and missed one, making it 3-2 after 4 takes each. My soccer god, Andriy Shevchenko, came up for Milan and was denied just barely to give Liverpool another Champions League trophy. Liverpool fans celebrated and were estimated to have bought 10,000 bottles of champagne with over a million fans attending the parade the following day, although Phil Collins was not in attendance.
Here are some quick highlights from the exasperating final:
Best UEFA Champions League Match (Tie)
Date/Match-Up: May 26, 1999: Manchester United v. Bayern Munich
Background: The biggest team from Germany facing off against the biggest team from England for the European championship. Tyranny vs. Tyranny. No Humor vs. Sarcasm. Ugly vs. Ugly. Sausage vs. Fish N' Chips. Bad Comparisons vs. The Readers.
Result: Bayern Munich went ahead after 5 minutes to go up 1-0. For most of the game, it seemed as it would end 1-0 in favor of the Sausagers. With 4 minutes of injury time remaining in the game, the Fishers and Chipers tied it up off a bad clearance from a Bayern player, who probably is still crying about it. Less than 2 minutes later, off a corner kick, a header found the foot of Ole Gunnar Solskjær (read: really badass name alert!) and then hit the back of the net to the absolute despair of the Sauerkrauters and to the delight of the Bangers N' Mashers. Manchester United's stunning victory was the first win by an English team since they were banned because of the Heysel Stadium Disaster in 1985. Manchester Uniter manager Alex Ferguson was knighted because of the win and produced a now famous quote that will live on throughout the sports improbable moments: "Football! Bloody Hell!" Bloody Hell, indeed sir.
I'm going to keep my closing as to the point as possible, as I've got lots to do. I hope some soccer (or football, if you Euro's want to be pricks about it. It's not my fault it's called soccer here) fans were able to enjoy the column. If you didn't enjoy it, you'll just have to wait until next time for something you'll hopefully enjoy more. Anyways, I'll have a brief hiatus from the 5th-11th since I'll be in Mexico. I'll brainstorm while laying on the beach, sipping margaritas. Until next time, I'll leave you with my favorite pop song of 2008! P.S. GO SEE SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE, THE BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR!
Adios, Muchachos!
Best English Cup Match
Date/Match-Up: May 13, 2006: Liverpool v. West Ham
Background: This matchup between two top-10 top-level clubs was to decide the English Cup in the 2005-2006 season. Liverpool went in as the favorites, even though they play offense like the Bears: slow, boring, and not often.
Result: West Ham went up 2-0 early and led 2-1 at the half. Liverpool captain Steven Garrard, who recently was arrested for beating up a DJ who wouldn't play a Phil Collins song (read: not a joke), tied it 10 minutes into the second half before West Ham re-took the lead 10 minutes later. West Ham looked like they were going on to victory before they were thwarted again when Garrard sent a rocket in the air that night, OH LORD! The game went into extra time, until that ran out and penalty kicks were needed to decide the match. Liverpool goalie Pepe "LePeau" Reina atoned for earlier mistakes by keeping out 3 of West Ham's 4 penalties to win it for Liverpool and sending the London-based West Ham fans on a long drive back to a pub to spend some pounds on some pints. (I picked up all that lingo in London)
Here is Steven Garrard's rather impressive (or deflating, depending on who you ask) strike from about 35 yards out:
Best American Game
Date/Match-Up: June 5, 2002: Portugal v. USA
Background: At the 2002 World Cup, the U.S. was looking to make a better showing than their 32nd (last) place finish in the 1998 World Cup. Portugal was heavily favored and was thinking "America has a soccer team? What's next, Russia with a beach volleyball team? A Jamaican bobsled team? Bwahahaha."
Results: Contrary to popular belief, the US DOES have a soccer team, Russia does have a beach volleyball team, and the Jamaican's (Cool Runnings Reference Alert!) do have a bobsled team. The U.S. scored within the first 5 minutes, then again 25 minutes later on an own goal (there is nothing funnier or more tragic in sports than an own goal) to go up 2-0. Then Buffalo Grove's finest, Brian McBride, put the U.S. ahead 3-0, an extremely large margin, 5 minutes later. The Portuguese, looking as baffled as Kosuke Fukudome on an offspeed pitch, put in two goals before the end but could not add a third as the U.S. won the game and took away Portugal's spot into the next round, in which the U.S. beat Mexico (it's like the same country anyway) to advance to the quarterfinals before losing to the runner-up Nazi Germany. The U.S. has not won a World Cup game since and soccer is back to normal here.
Here are the U.S.'s goals from the Portugal game, a memorable game (well, maybe to some):
Best UEFA Cup Game
Date/Match-Up: May 16, 2001: Liverpool v. Deportivo Alaves
Background: (The UEFA is a second-tier tournament in which clubs who finish in the second tier of their top divisions compete against other European clubs of the same nature.) Liverpool's basically won everything a thousand times so it's no surprise they were in the finals, but Deportivo Alaves was a very surprising (like the Rays in the World Series) entry into the final, looking for their first trophy of any kind, except when they won the Pinewood Derby in Cub Scouts. Oh, wait. That was me. Anyways...
Results: The match was a goal-fest-stravaganza. Liverpool took a early 2 goal lead with goals from Markus Babel and Mr. Phil himself, Steven Garrard and then had a 3-1 lead at halftime. Five minutes into halftime, however, striker Javi Moreno of Deportivo Alaves scored two goals in just five minutes to even things up and stun the Liverpoolians. After another goal by Liverpool 20 minutes later, Deportivo Alaves amazingly tied the game up again with just 2 minutes left to force extra time and give the young team yet another chance. As dreams so often do, the amazing run ended in tragedy when D.A., just 5 minutes away from forcing Penalty Kicks, netted a goal in their own net to give the game to Liverpool 5-4. The loss is something only Cubs fans can empathize with.
Here are the highlights from the tragic game:
Best World Cup Match
Date/Match-Up: June 17, 1970: West Germany vs. Italy
Background: The 1970 World Cup, often considered the best ever, featured many entertaining matches but Germany against Italy had to have been the best. In the Semi's, with the winner facing Brazil, the two members of the Axis of Evil went at it like Mussolini and Hitler in a Steel Cage Match (alert: idea that's too good).
Results: It was a rather dull match until the final minutes with Italy up 1-0. Then, West Germany scored to tie it in the last minute and force extra time, where things finally get good. Ever met a boring girl who was OK looking and hook up with her but then hang out with her again and she's actually really interesting and even hotter than you thought? That's kind of how this game went. First, Germany scored a befitting socialist goal that somehow rolled in to take the lead within 5 minutes. Italy scored 4 minutes later, then 6 minutes after that to take a 3-2 lead. Then, 5 minutes after that, Germany scored to tie the game again at 3-3. One minute later, Italy scored the game winner, ending an exceptional stretch of 5 goals in 17 minutes. I don't even know what to compare that to, it's so unprecedented. Wait, I got it. Goals were getting put in faster than new Roman Emperors (alert: history joke!).
Here's a little look at all the goals scored in the overtime period:
Best UEFA Champions League Match (Tie)
Date/Match-Up: May 25, 2005: Liverpool vs. AC Milan
Background: (The Champions League is like the UEFA Cup, except for the top tier teams in Europe) Milan (Italy) went into the match as the favorites, having won 6 Champions League Finals to Liverpool's 4. The match took place in Istanbul, not Constantinople like originally planed, in front of 70,000 fans. Surprisingly, there was no violent or controversial encounters between the I- tie's and the British Empire.
Result: Milan got off to about an early a lead as you can, scoring in the first minute in the game. Then, late in the first half, Milan striker Herman Crespo put in two goals within 6 minutes of each other to give Milan a tre goal lead, 3-0, at half time. Liverpool, as they so often do, came back with a goal by, I-only-have-so-many-Phil-Collins-jokes, Steven Garrard. Two minutes later, Liverpool struck again to make it 3-2 and minutes later were awarded a penalty kick. Xabi Alonso was denied like a virgin at a frat party but followed up his miss to put it in and tie the game, overcoming a 3 goal deficit in just 7 minutes. The game remained tied until after extra time, forcing penalty kicks. Liverpool, who can resist Penalty Kicks about as much as Oprah can resist women (they can't), made their first 2 and Milan missed their first 2, giving Liverpool a 2-0 advantage by the art of logical deduction. Milan made their next 2 while Liverpool made one and missed one, making it 3-2 after 4 takes each. My soccer god, Andriy Shevchenko, came up for Milan and was denied just barely to give Liverpool another Champions League trophy. Liverpool fans celebrated and were estimated to have bought 10,000 bottles of champagne with over a million fans attending the parade the following day, although Phil Collins was not in attendance.
Here are some quick highlights from the exasperating final:
Best UEFA Champions League Match (Tie)
Date/Match-Up: May 26, 1999: Manchester United v. Bayern Munich
Background: The biggest team from Germany facing off against the biggest team from England for the European championship. Tyranny vs. Tyranny. No Humor vs. Sarcasm. Ugly vs. Ugly. Sausage vs. Fish N' Chips. Bad Comparisons vs. The Readers.
Result: Bayern Munich went ahead after 5 minutes to go up 1-0. For most of the game, it seemed as it would end 1-0 in favor of the Sausagers. With 4 minutes of injury time remaining in the game, the Fishers and Chipers tied it up off a bad clearance from a Bayern player, who probably is still crying about it. Less than 2 minutes later, off a corner kick, a header found the foot of Ole Gunnar Solskjær (read: really badass name alert!) and then hit the back of the net to the absolute despair of the Sauerkrauters and to the delight of the Bangers N' Mashers. Manchester United's stunning victory was the first win by an English team since they were banned because of the Heysel Stadium Disaster in 1985. Manchester Uniter manager Alex Ferguson was knighted because of the win and produced a now famous quote that will live on throughout the sports improbable moments: "Football! Bloody Hell!" Bloody Hell, indeed sir.
I'm going to keep my closing as to the point as possible, as I've got lots to do. I hope some soccer (or football, if you Euro's want to be pricks about it. It's not my fault it's called soccer here) fans were able to enjoy the column. If you didn't enjoy it, you'll just have to wait until next time for something you'll hopefully enjoy more. Anyways, I'll have a brief hiatus from the 5th-11th since I'll be in Mexico. I'll brainstorm while laying on the beach, sipping margaritas. Until next time, I'll leave you with my favorite pop song of 2008! P.S. GO SEE SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE, THE BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR!
Adios, Muchachos!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Some Holiday Cheer
When I first started writing this blog, I never thought I'd still be punching in the keyboard to entertain folk two years later. But here I am. And I thought, since there is no better or more celebrated anniversary than December 25th, that I'd celebrate by writing about Christmas. I struggled for many unemployed hours to come up with a topic for this blog that coincides with the ever-joyous holiday, but every time I came up like a midget at an amusement park: just short. Why come up with a topic by myself when others have already done my work for me. So instead of inventing 6 holidays and writing a list about it, I'm going to list off the 6 Best Fictional Christmas-Themed Holidays.
6. Yak Shaving Day
Date: Sometime towards the end of the year.
Celebrated By: All members of the LSD-incduced Ren & Stimpy universe.
Origins: Yak Shaving Day traces its origins back to 1992, when it was first mentioned in the show. Its basically Christmas, but instead of stockings, they hang poopy diapers and instead of Santa leaving presents, a yak leaves gunk in the sink. Sounds festive. I never really got into this show, though. Maybe it's because I was under 10 and didn't take acid for at least 5 more years. Or maybe its because I was under 10 and didn't get it.
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Poop.
5. Agnostica
Date: December 14th
Celebrated By: Pretty self-explanatory. Agnostics celebrate Agnostica. (Not to be confused with Kwanzans celebrating Kwanza)
Origins: Agnostica is an invention of the online comic "Nukees," dealing with nuclear engineering students. It takes place on December 14th because that's when physicist Max Plank (in 1900) presented a theory of quanta, beginning Quantum Physics (asshole). Agnostica is, rightfully, a confusing holiday for the confused. It's like Halloween, except you go to a party dressed up as your favorite scientist. At this party there is a "Random Bag of Fun," "Mystery Punch," "Mulled Wine," and a Schrodinger Box (big box that cannot be opened). Something tells me Newton and Einstein would get a boner from a party like this.
Why It Hasn't Caught On: There just aren't enough agnostics. Most people that you could probably call agnostic don't really want to celebrate that fact (that's pretty much why they chose to be agnostic in the first place). Besides, most people aren't scientists and most think this party would be "the nerdiest thing I've ever heard." I may be intrigued by the "mulled wine" though. I'll have to think it over.
4. Winterval
Date: All festivals at the end of the year.
Celebrated By: Everyone! It's one of those new-age "fusion" holidays all the kids are talking about.
Origins: Mike Chub, head of the Birmingham (that's England, ladies) City Council, came up with the idea to combine all the events toward the end of the year into one word as to not offend absolutely anyone celebrating a holiday during winter. Some described it as "political correctness gone mad." Me? I'd say why not just combine all the celebrations into one? Have a Winterval Festival with elements of Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza, Ramadan, and Diwali (that's Hindu. Like the red dots or the "curry smell"). Although, I'm not sure I'd want the Jews and Muslims anywhere near each other. That'd be like throwing Israel into Iran. (Battle Royale!)
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Well, most people thought the idea was stupid to begin with (kind of like remaking "The Sandlot" with Keanu Reeves and a bunch of black kids, i.e. "Hardball"). It has caught on with top flight soccer club Fulham in England, as they use it in their Christmas season advertising for the club. Although you would think some cross-faith couples might try "Winterval," since combining those holidays might make Kwanza, Diwali, Ramadan, and Hannukah actually interesting. (Curry flavored Fried Chicken with Maza ball Soup!)
3. Chrismahanukwanzakah
Date: December 13th
Celebrated By: Virgin Mobile (well, they can't be Miley Cyrus' carrier then!) subscribers and kids that have a black parent, a white parent, and a Israeli stepparent. (More likely: Israeli dad has his white Christian wife cheat on him with black man (or woman!) and leave him for the for-life nightclub bouncer).
Origin: This holiday was invented by Virgin Mobile to sell cell phones and, to a lesser extent, satire the political correctness of people like the Birmingham City Council guy we just discussed. How bad is it when a cell phone company is satirizing political correctness? The song was kind of catchy, almost like a Kosuke Fukudome pop up but a little farther than second base. Plus, the commercial had an Indian guy dressed as Santa, a girl covered only by a phone, and a tiny gay elf. If you think that sounds racist, then there's a possibility that it is. Or height-ist, I'm not sure what they call that (sizeist? smallist? asian?).
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Well, people would rather have a set cell phone plan than all that "pay-as-you-go" stuff, mainly so they don't have to change their cell plan every two weeks. Also, I think people are scared of Kwanza (read: black people). I know I am, who even knows what Kwanza means! (re: Kwanzaa means "first" in Swahili. That's African.)
2. Chrismukkah
Date: Hanukkah all the way through Christmas. It's unknown for sure though, Seth never said in The O.C. when it was exactly and I always thought.....(Mike slowly backs away, trying to pretend he didn't just say that, but realizes he's only backing away from the keyboard, not the people he just said that to. He also realizes he could delete all of this but then gets distracted and keeps writing)
Celebrated By: Families that have a Jewish parent and a Gentile parent that celebrates Christmas.
Origins: Well, although Seth Cohen of The O.C. claims to have invented it, it may have been middle-class Jews in 19th Century Germany (certainly not 20th Century Jews in Germany) that started to celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday rather than a religious one. Greedy bastards. Basically, the family celebrates most, but not all 12 days, of Hanukkah with presents, as usual, and watches Christmas movies on Christmas with Chinese food, with both a menorah and Christmas tree both up. We'll give Seth Cohen (Adam Brody) credit for the idea, but only because he dated Rachel Bilson, who did this for Chrismukkah:
HOLY. SHIT.
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Well, to a certain degree, it HAS caught on. After seeing it on The O.C. \, a Jewish-American couple from Montana (yeah, people do live there) started Chrismukkah and wrote two books for recipes and how to celebrate the holiday. I'm not sure how many people actually celebrate it, but Chrismukkah, unlike the other holidays on this list, actually has mitzvah of a chance of catching on. But, you know, it could just...um...could I see that video again?
1. Festivus
Date: December 23rd
Celebrated By: The Costanzas and Seinfeld fanatics. I'd like the airing of grievences part. Imagine yelling at your Grandma "You drink enough booze to fill a lake!" Ahem. Not me talking, just an example.
Origins: Writer Dan O'Keefe started this holiday in 1966 and his son brought it to the attention of the world on Seinfeld. Common practices included putting up an alluminum pole (to oppose X-Mas trees and because "tinsel is distracting") with the modern (yeah, people actually celebrate it) holiday including heavy drinking with a big meal. The "Airing of Grievances" allows the members of the family to share their problems they have with the others. For example: "You're a damn dirty slut and you should stop sleeping around! NO! I will not shut up mom!" The next part, "The Feats of Strength," consists of a guest wrestling the host until the host is pinned. Other than that, it's a completely normal holiday, full of joy and miracles:
Why It Hasn't Caught On: It has. Festivus poles are made. There was a Festivus Ice Cream flavor from "Ben & Jerry's." There's a Festivus wine. Instead of referring to the playoffs as such, the Baltimore Ravens refer to the playoffs as "Festivus." The Wisconsin Governor put a Festivus pole up in his house. There's a "Festivus" film festival, and towns in Wisconsin and South Carolina have Festivus celebrations. There's nothing funny about this holiday anymore. Well, I take that back. This holiday is more out there than The X-Files.
Well, I hope you enjoyed this holiday edition of the blog! I hope you don't feel the actual need to celebrate any of these strange holidays but if you do, more power to you I guess. I'll no doubt get one more blog in before I go to London on the 25th but my next one will probably be the last one of 2008. It's been quite a year on the blog and I can only thank all the regulars who read and all those that are just catch the occasional flavor. Well, from me here at the blog, I wish you and yours a buon natale e l'anno nuovo felice!
6. Yak Shaving Day
Date: Sometime towards the end of the year.
Celebrated By: All members of the LSD-incduced Ren & Stimpy universe.
Origins: Yak Shaving Day traces its origins back to 1992, when it was first mentioned in the show. Its basically Christmas, but instead of stockings, they hang poopy diapers and instead of Santa leaving presents, a yak leaves gunk in the sink. Sounds festive. I never really got into this show, though. Maybe it's because I was under 10 and didn't take acid for at least 5 more years. Or maybe its because I was under 10 and didn't get it.
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Poop.
5. Agnostica
Date: December 14th
Celebrated By: Pretty self-explanatory. Agnostics celebrate Agnostica. (Not to be confused with Kwanzans celebrating Kwanza)
Origins: Agnostica is an invention of the online comic "Nukees," dealing with nuclear engineering students. It takes place on December 14th because that's when physicist Max Plank (in 1900) presented a theory of quanta, beginning Quantum Physics (asshole). Agnostica is, rightfully, a confusing holiday for the confused. It's like Halloween, except you go to a party dressed up as your favorite scientist. At this party there is a "Random Bag of Fun," "Mystery Punch," "Mulled Wine," and a Schrodinger Box (big box that cannot be opened). Something tells me Newton and Einstein would get a boner from a party like this.
Why It Hasn't Caught On: There just aren't enough agnostics. Most people that you could probably call agnostic don't really want to celebrate that fact (that's pretty much why they chose to be agnostic in the first place). Besides, most people aren't scientists and most think this party would be "the nerdiest thing I've ever heard." I may be intrigued by the "mulled wine" though. I'll have to think it over.
4. Winterval
Date: All festivals at the end of the year.
Celebrated By: Everyone! It's one of those new-age "fusion" holidays all the kids are talking about.
Origins: Mike Chub, head of the Birmingham (that's England, ladies) City Council, came up with the idea to combine all the events toward the end of the year into one word as to not offend absolutely anyone celebrating a holiday during winter. Some described it as "political correctness gone mad." Me? I'd say why not just combine all the celebrations into one? Have a Winterval Festival with elements of Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza, Ramadan, and Diwali (that's Hindu. Like the red dots or the "curry smell"). Although, I'm not sure I'd want the Jews and Muslims anywhere near each other. That'd be like throwing Israel into Iran. (Battle Royale!)
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Well, most people thought the idea was stupid to begin with (kind of like remaking "The Sandlot" with Keanu Reeves and a bunch of black kids, i.e. "Hardball"). It has caught on with top flight soccer club Fulham in England, as they use it in their Christmas season advertising for the club. Although you would think some cross-faith couples might try "Winterval," since combining those holidays might make Kwanza, Diwali, Ramadan, and Hannukah actually interesting. (Curry flavored Fried Chicken with Maza ball Soup!)
3. Chrismahanukwanzakah
Date: December 13th
Celebrated By: Virgin Mobile (well, they can't be Miley Cyrus' carrier then!) subscribers and kids that have a black parent, a white parent, and a Israeli stepparent. (More likely: Israeli dad has his white Christian wife cheat on him with black man (or woman!) and leave him for the for-life nightclub bouncer).
Origin: This holiday was invented by Virgin Mobile to sell cell phones and, to a lesser extent, satire the political correctness of people like the Birmingham City Council guy we just discussed. How bad is it when a cell phone company is satirizing political correctness? The song was kind of catchy, almost like a Kosuke Fukudome pop up but a little farther than second base. Plus, the commercial had an Indian guy dressed as Santa, a girl covered only by a phone, and a tiny gay elf. If you think that sounds racist, then there's a possibility that it is. Or height-ist, I'm not sure what they call that (sizeist? smallist? asian?).
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Well, people would rather have a set cell phone plan than all that "pay-as-you-go" stuff, mainly so they don't have to change their cell plan every two weeks. Also, I think people are scared of Kwanza (read: black people). I know I am, who even knows what Kwanza means! (re: Kwanzaa means "first" in Swahili. That's African.)
2. Chrismukkah
Date: Hanukkah all the way through Christmas. It's unknown for sure though, Seth never said in The O.C. when it was exactly and I always thought.....(Mike slowly backs away, trying to pretend he didn't just say that, but realizes he's only backing away from the keyboard, not the people he just said that to. He also realizes he could delete all of this but then gets distracted and keeps writing)
Celebrated By: Families that have a Jewish parent and a Gentile parent that celebrates Christmas.
Origins: Well, although Seth Cohen of The O.C. claims to have invented it, it may have been middle-class Jews in 19th Century Germany (certainly not 20th Century Jews in Germany) that started to celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday rather than a religious one. Greedy bastards. Basically, the family celebrates most, but not all 12 days, of Hanukkah with presents, as usual, and watches Christmas movies on Christmas with Chinese food, with both a menorah and Christmas tree both up. We'll give Seth Cohen (Adam Brody) credit for the idea, but only because he dated Rachel Bilson, who did this for Chrismukkah:
HOLY. SHIT.
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Well, to a certain degree, it HAS caught on. After seeing it on The O.C. \, a Jewish-American couple from Montana (yeah, people do live there) started Chrismukkah and wrote two books for recipes and how to celebrate the holiday. I'm not sure how many people actually celebrate it, but Chrismukkah, unlike the other holidays on this list, actually has mitzvah of a chance of catching on. But, you know, it could just...um...could I see that video again?
1. Festivus
Date: December 23rd
Celebrated By: The Costanzas and Seinfeld fanatics. I'd like the airing of grievences part. Imagine yelling at your Grandma "You drink enough booze to fill a lake!" Ahem. Not me talking, just an example.
Origins: Writer Dan O'Keefe started this holiday in 1966 and his son brought it to the attention of the world on Seinfeld. Common practices included putting up an alluminum pole (to oppose X-Mas trees and because "tinsel is distracting") with the modern (yeah, people actually celebrate it) holiday including heavy drinking with a big meal. The "Airing of Grievances" allows the members of the family to share their problems they have with the others. For example: "You're a damn dirty slut and you should stop sleeping around! NO! I will not shut up mom!" The next part, "The Feats of Strength," consists of a guest wrestling the host until the host is pinned. Other than that, it's a completely normal holiday, full of joy and miracles:
Why It Hasn't Caught On: It has. Festivus poles are made. There was a Festivus Ice Cream flavor from "Ben & Jerry's." There's a Festivus wine. Instead of referring to the playoffs as such, the Baltimore Ravens refer to the playoffs as "Festivus." The Wisconsin Governor put a Festivus pole up in his house. There's a "Festivus" film festival, and towns in Wisconsin and South Carolina have Festivus celebrations. There's nothing funny about this holiday anymore. Well, I take that back. This holiday is more out there than The X-Files.
Well, I hope you enjoyed this holiday edition of the blog! I hope you don't feel the actual need to celebrate any of these strange holidays but if you do, more power to you I guess. I'll no doubt get one more blog in before I go to London on the 25th but my next one will probably be the last one of 2008. It's been quite a year on the blog and I can only thank all the regulars who read and all those that are just catch the occasional flavor. Well, from me here at the blog, I wish you and yours a buon natale e l'anno nuovo felice!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
The Dolan Mailbag
Everyone gets mail. Day after day, whether you want it or not, mail adressed to you gets delivered right to your door. Unless you're a terrorist. Just like Bill Shatner on the set of "Star Trek", I own this place. This place is this blog. And although my loyal readers don't expand much beyond the few and the proud (although, you could tell others to read if you wanted. it wouldn't kill you, you know), I still get my fair share of questions in response to my controversial speculations and truths. Therefore, I will answer them on my blog. No doubt, the questions will be controversial and obscene (just the way I like them). This is the first Dolan's Answers to the Reader's Questions (Holiday Edition). Sit back and make like Scarlet Johansson in my bedroom and enjoy the ride. (Of course, if my girlfriend is reading this, that was a joke. *winkwink* Damn. That doesn't work as well when you write it.)
Q: Hey, how do you come up with the ideas for this blog?
--Danny, Wheeling, Illinois.
A: Well, Danny, I use a simple process: first, I sniff glue. Then I pour half of a handle of vodka into a (very) large glass, splash a little coke in there, then wash it down with a cigarette and a joint. After that, I go on google, smash my fingers against the keyboard and wah-laa...a topic is born.
Note: recommended only for people with no job, no plans for 48 hours, and a match.com account.
Q: What if you were to hold a fantasy baseball draft with 12 people, get half of them stoned out of their minds and the other half completely drunk off their ass. Which side would have the advantage?
--Ricky W., Miami, Florida.
A: A well thought out question if I do say so indeed. On one hand, the drunks could easily distract the stoners (ex: food, music, the wallpaper design). On the other hand, the stoners could easily distract the drunks by egging them on that they should call a girl they have a "chance" with and their incessant observations about things that stoners make incessant observations about. I don't know if theres an advantage either way, but I think it would be a lot worse than it sounds. There would be about 30 "Didn't Pick in Times", 20 players taken early that shouldn't be drafted ever, and 6-10 retired players taken.
Example of a drunk team: C-Ramon Hernandez, 1B-Mark Bradley, 2B-Dan Uggla, SS-(None), 3B-Mike Lowell, Aramis Ramirez, and "That Guy from the MLB Playoffs Commercials", OF-Alfonso Soriano, Jacque Jones, and Barry Bonds
Example of a stoned team: C-Geo Soto, 1B-Dmitri Young, 2B-Ian Kinsler, SS-Alex Rodriguez (ineligble @ SS), 3B-Joe Crede, OF-Reggie Abercrombie, Ryan Langerhands, and David Jesus
Q: What is your favorite holiday? Also, do you have any ideas for holiday drinks? What are the perfect drinks for each holiday?
-- Robin, Nottingham, UK.
A: My favorite holiday is St. Patrick's day because I'm Irish, a borderline alcy, and I'm scared of large bunnies, fireworks, ghosts, and fat men in red suits. As for holiday drinks, I have perfected them all. For X-Mas, you have Nog-A-Sake (3 parts Eggnog, 2 parts Sake). For Halloween, you have "The Skeleton" (1 pt. Jager, 1pt. Peppermint Schnapps, and 1 pt. Kahlua). For Easter, you have "Break an Egg" (2 pts. Vanilla Vodka, 1 pt Everclear in Hot Chocolate). For Valentine's Day, you've got "The Heartbreaker" (1 pt Bacardi, 1 pt Strawberry Vodka, 4 pts Cranberry Juice, 1 pt Bacardi 151 (add if you're single))
Q: Can the Bears actually run the table and make the playoffs, or were they just teasing everyone with that win over the Jaguars?
--Lovie, Chicago, IL
A: Theoretically, they can. Theoretically, I could blackout tonight and end up on Oprah's back porch in the morning. If the Bears can beat the Saints on Thursday, I'll become a believer that they can run the table. But until then, trusting the Bears is like having a snowball fight in the winter after it just rained: you just might get hit with a big chunk of ice right in the head. Or the balls.
Q: If you could pick any the nationality of any two foreigners in the world to have a threesome with, what would they be and why?
--Bill C., Washington D.C.
A: This is one of the subjective questions where, depending on who you ask, there will be a thousand different answers. If I HAD to choose two, I would choose Brazilian and Armenian (example: Kim Kardashian is Armenian but not the overwhelming factor in my decision). I took a long time pondering the 2nd choice but Armenian eventually came out on top after I thought of something exotic, gleaming, and horny-making (sorry, I spilled coffee on my Thesaurus after "gleaming"). I mean, think about it....or don't, it's my fantasy, not yours. Sorry if I've got a thing for the semi-tanned look that both Middle Easterners and South Americans have. It ain't my fault. Now, about that flight to Yerevan....
Q: What would be a good metaphor for Clay Aiken coming out of the closet in September?
--Paula, Hollywood, California.
A: It's like an Illinois politician, who after a few years seems alright (the baby and straight marriage), but then rumors come out have to do with corruption (just looking at him). You don't want to believe but know they are probably true. You look at them and say "that's the face of a guilty man." Then, they plead guilty or are arrested. (coming out of the closet) (Note: this paragraph sponsored by the Rod Blagojevich Bail Fund)
Q: What is absolutely the worst reality show ever made?
--Flavor F., Compton, California.
A: There has been no show in television history more offensive than "My Super Sweet 16." The only reason anyone watches it is to call the girls bitches, the parents pushovers, and to see how much money they'll actually spend. When (not if) I go to hell, this show will be on repeat at the sports bar that only serves O'Douls and Goldschlagger. Stephen A Smith will be my bartender with the part in "Soulja Boy" that goes "Youuuuuu!" repeats 8,000,239 times in a row.
Q: What was the most disappointing moment, to you, of the train wreck that was "Entourage: Season 5"?
--Mark W., New York, New York.
A: Well, pretty much everything but I'll try and pick one thing that bugged me the most. Through Drama never working, Vince not able to find one role (Ben Affleck found work after "Gigli"!!!), but the moment that bugged me the most was Ari turning down a studio head job, just so he could stay Vince's agent. Talk about the most unrealistic thing in the history of life. Just because Vince wouldn't be able to do that ONE movie, doesn't mean Ari couldn't put Vince in just about anything for the rest of his career, plus make a shitload more money for himself. All in all, the show has gone down in quality faster than "SNL: Post-Ferell".
Q: If new Bulls coach Vinny Del Negro was a fictional character, who would he be?
--Kirk, ??????
A: This was a tough one. I didn't want it to be from a sports movie because that would be too easy. So I thought about the personality of the kid from "Bad Santa" mixed with the look of Chachi from "Happy Days." And I was right.
Q: Was there a better moment in sports this year than Michael Phelps' run at the Beijing Olympics?
--Tim T., Gainseville, FL
A: Well, with this year winding down, the sports fan has had alot to be thankful for this year. The Nadal/Federer match at Wimbeldon was one of the best tennis matches of all-time, Tiger's one-leg win at the US Open, in one of the greatest performances on a golf course ever, a buzzer beating three to force OT in the NCAA Title Game, and Usain Bolt capturing the world with his legs all were amazing accomplishments. In fact, 2008 was probably the best year in sports this decade, if not my lifetime. I think I can point out something everyone will remember from every month this year.
January: Michael Beasley showcasing his talents to the world with Kansas St. beating undefeated Kansas
February: David Tyree's amazing helmet catch to beat the Pats in the Super Bowl
March: Davidson's (and Stephen Curry's) spectacular run through the NCAA Tournament
April: The Kansas/Memphis title game
May: Big Brown capturing the attention of a nation, before and after his races.
June: Tiger Woods stunning win at the U.S. Open on one leg, beating old-but-new Rocco Mediate in a playoff
July: Nadal/Federer at the Wimbeldon Final in an epic 5 set match, winning the last set 9-7
August: Michael Phelps' record metal count in a few intense heats, and Usain Bolt becoming the fastest of all time
September: The Carlos Zambrano No-Hitter
October: The Tampa Bay Devil Rays run through the playoffs
November: Michael Crabtree's game-winning catch on fouth down to beat #1 Texas with 1 second left
December: "Jake Peavy to the Cubs" rumors continue to escalate, incinerate, rinse, repeat, and drive me absolutely insane
That's all for the mailbag.
Hope you all enjoyed a change of pace. With the holidays fast approaching, I'm trying to get as many blogs in as I possibly can. If you have any actual questions in case you liked this, didn't like it, or just want to bash me in general, my e-mail is mdolan2@gmail.com. But until next time, my faithful readers, adios and feliz navidad!
Q: Hey, how do you come up with the ideas for this blog?
--Danny, Wheeling, Illinois.
A: Well, Danny, I use a simple process: first, I sniff glue. Then I pour half of a handle of vodka into a (very) large glass, splash a little coke in there, then wash it down with a cigarette and a joint. After that, I go on google, smash my fingers against the keyboard and wah-laa...a topic is born.
Note: recommended only for people with no job, no plans for 48 hours, and a match.com account.
Q: What if you were to hold a fantasy baseball draft with 12 people, get half of them stoned out of their minds and the other half completely drunk off their ass. Which side would have the advantage?
--Ricky W., Miami, Florida.
A: A well thought out question if I do say so indeed. On one hand, the drunks could easily distract the stoners (ex: food, music, the wallpaper design). On the other hand, the stoners could easily distract the drunks by egging them on that they should call a girl they have a "chance" with and their incessant observations about things that stoners make incessant observations about. I don't know if theres an advantage either way, but I think it would be a lot worse than it sounds. There would be about 30 "Didn't Pick in Times", 20 players taken early that shouldn't be drafted ever, and 6-10 retired players taken.
Example of a drunk team: C-Ramon Hernandez, 1B-Mark Bradley, 2B-Dan Uggla, SS-(None), 3B-Mike Lowell, Aramis Ramirez, and "That Guy from the MLB Playoffs Commercials", OF-Alfonso Soriano, Jacque Jones, and Barry Bonds
Example of a stoned team: C-Geo Soto, 1B-Dmitri Young, 2B-Ian Kinsler, SS-Alex Rodriguez (ineligble @ SS), 3B-Joe Crede, OF-Reggie Abercrombie, Ryan Langerhands, and David Jesus
Q: What is your favorite holiday? Also, do you have any ideas for holiday drinks? What are the perfect drinks for each holiday?
-- Robin, Nottingham, UK.
A: My favorite holiday is St. Patrick's day because I'm Irish, a borderline alcy, and I'm scared of large bunnies, fireworks, ghosts, and fat men in red suits. As for holiday drinks, I have perfected them all. For X-Mas, you have Nog-A-Sake (3 parts Eggnog, 2 parts Sake). For Halloween, you have "The Skeleton" (1 pt. Jager, 1pt. Peppermint Schnapps, and 1 pt. Kahlua). For Easter, you have "Break an Egg" (2 pts. Vanilla Vodka, 1 pt Everclear in Hot Chocolate). For Valentine's Day, you've got "The Heartbreaker" (1 pt Bacardi, 1 pt Strawberry Vodka, 4 pts Cranberry Juice, 1 pt Bacardi 151 (add if you're single))
Q: Can the Bears actually run the table and make the playoffs, or were they just teasing everyone with that win over the Jaguars?
--Lovie, Chicago, IL
A: Theoretically, they can. Theoretically, I could blackout tonight and end up on Oprah's back porch in the morning. If the Bears can beat the Saints on Thursday, I'll become a believer that they can run the table. But until then, trusting the Bears is like having a snowball fight in the winter after it just rained: you just might get hit with a big chunk of ice right in the head. Or the balls.
Q: If you could pick any the nationality of any two foreigners in the world to have a threesome with, what would they be and why?
--Bill C., Washington D.C.
A: This is one of the subjective questions where, depending on who you ask, there will be a thousand different answers. If I HAD to choose two, I would choose Brazilian and Armenian (example: Kim Kardashian is Armenian but not the overwhelming factor in my decision). I took a long time pondering the 2nd choice but Armenian eventually came out on top after I thought of something exotic, gleaming, and horny-making (sorry, I spilled coffee on my Thesaurus after "gleaming"). I mean, think about it....or don't, it's my fantasy, not yours. Sorry if I've got a thing for the semi-tanned look that both Middle Easterners and South Americans have. It ain't my fault. Now, about that flight to Yerevan....
Q: What would be a good metaphor for Clay Aiken coming out of the closet in September?
--Paula, Hollywood, California.
A: It's like an Illinois politician, who after a few years seems alright (the baby and straight marriage), but then rumors come out have to do with corruption (just looking at him). You don't want to believe but know they are probably true. You look at them and say "that's the face of a guilty man." Then, they plead guilty or are arrested. (coming out of the closet) (Note: this paragraph sponsored by the Rod Blagojevich Bail Fund)
Q: What is absolutely the worst reality show ever made?
--Flavor F., Compton, California.
A: There has been no show in television history more offensive than "My Super Sweet 16." The only reason anyone watches it is to call the girls bitches, the parents pushovers, and to see how much money they'll actually spend. When (not if) I go to hell, this show will be on repeat at the sports bar that only serves O'Douls and Goldschlagger. Stephen A Smith will be my bartender with the part in "Soulja Boy" that goes "Youuuuuu!" repeats 8,000,239 times in a row.
Q: What was the most disappointing moment, to you, of the train wreck that was "Entourage: Season 5"?
--Mark W., New York, New York.
A: Well, pretty much everything but I'll try and pick one thing that bugged me the most. Through Drama never working, Vince not able to find one role (Ben Affleck found work after "Gigli"!!!), but the moment that bugged me the most was Ari turning down a studio head job, just so he could stay Vince's agent. Talk about the most unrealistic thing in the history of life. Just because Vince wouldn't be able to do that ONE movie, doesn't mean Ari couldn't put Vince in just about anything for the rest of his career, plus make a shitload more money for himself. All in all, the show has gone down in quality faster than "SNL: Post-Ferell".
Q: If new Bulls coach Vinny Del Negro was a fictional character, who would he be?
--Kirk, ??????
A: This was a tough one. I didn't want it to be from a sports movie because that would be too easy. So I thought about the personality of the kid from "Bad Santa" mixed with the look of Chachi from "Happy Days." And I was right.
Q: Was there a better moment in sports this year than Michael Phelps' run at the Beijing Olympics?
--Tim T., Gainseville, FL
A: Well, with this year winding down, the sports fan has had alot to be thankful for this year. The Nadal/Federer match at Wimbeldon was one of the best tennis matches of all-time, Tiger's one-leg win at the US Open, in one of the greatest performances on a golf course ever, a buzzer beating three to force OT in the NCAA Title Game, and Usain Bolt capturing the world with his legs all were amazing accomplishments. In fact, 2008 was probably the best year in sports this decade, if not my lifetime. I think I can point out something everyone will remember from every month this year.
January: Michael Beasley showcasing his talents to the world with Kansas St. beating undefeated Kansas
February: David Tyree's amazing helmet catch to beat the Pats in the Super Bowl
March: Davidson's (and Stephen Curry's) spectacular run through the NCAA Tournament
April: The Kansas/Memphis title game
May: Big Brown capturing the attention of a nation, before and after his races.
June: Tiger Woods stunning win at the U.S. Open on one leg, beating old-but-new Rocco Mediate in a playoff
July: Nadal/Federer at the Wimbeldon Final in an epic 5 set match, winning the last set 9-7
August: Michael Phelps' record metal count in a few intense heats, and Usain Bolt becoming the fastest of all time
September: The Carlos Zambrano No-Hitter
October: The Tampa Bay Devil Rays run through the playoffs
November: Michael Crabtree's game-winning catch on fouth down to beat #1 Texas with 1 second left
December: "Jake Peavy to the Cubs" rumors continue to escalate, incinerate, rinse, repeat, and drive me absolutely insane
That's all for the mailbag.
Hope you all enjoyed a change of pace. With the holidays fast approaching, I'm trying to get as many blogs in as I possibly can. If you have any actual questions in case you liked this, didn't like it, or just want to bash me in general, my e-mail is mdolan2@gmail.com. But until next time, my faithful readers, adios and feliz navidad!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Excuse Me, Is This Place Occupied?
The world is a very crowded place. We jam bunches of people into small, small areas like a 11-inch (expletive) into a virgin's (expletive). It didn't always used to be that way, you see. Back in the old days (even further back than the "enforced DUI" and "domestic abuse laws"), people were spread out since their cousin Hallah couldn't ring them up on their cell and tell them what address to plug in on their TomTom: Camel Edition. Still, different areas of the world still became more populous than others (And why not? Even then, people knew Canada sucks). But where, you may (or more likely, may not) ask, were these cities that were larger than the others. Since you can probably see where I'm going with this, let's get down to it. These are the Most Populous Cities in History By Every Millenium (Since 3000BC).
3000 BC
Most Populous City: Memphis, Egypt
Population: More than 30,000
How'd It Thrive? Once upon a time, way before cable and pop music (although some scholars debate that), there were two kingdoms of Egypt. Smack dab in the middle was Memphis, Egypt, our topic of discussion. Located about 20 miles south of modern-day capital Cairo, Memphis unified the two halves of Egypt through a mutual need. Plus, Memphis was very strageically important to Ancient Egypt as it lay on the Nile River. At it's time, Memphis was by far the largest city in the world, kind of like what Boise is to Idaho (note: Idaho, although sometimes forgotten, is still actually a state). It held the top spot for over 800 years before being dethroned, pretty much confirming that life (at least, REAL life that is) began somewhere in Africa or the Middle East. Although that begs the ultra-spooky question: where did the Indians come from? (Seriously, what funky mix of sex partners created that? Nothing against Indians, it's just...baffling)
2000 BC
Most Populous City: Ur, Sumer (Now known as "That Place Where America's Spending Your Children's Money")
Population: Around 65,000, about the same amount as the billions of dollars we've spent there.
How'd It Thrive? Located in Sumer, which is sometimes referred to as the "Cradle of Civilization," Ur was a city from the late 6th Millenium BC, was abandoned and was re-settled. Now very inland, Ur used to be located on the Euphrates River, making it very favorable for trade through land and sea routes for all of Arabia. In the third dynasty of Ur, irrigation was improved, and the King at the time built all sorts of temples and set up one of the first code of laws ever known to man. Through all this, however, Ur only remained the largest city in the world for a few years, conviently garnering a spot on this list of lists. My favorite law from the Code of Ur-Nammu has to be this one: "If a man’s slave-woman, comparing herself to her mistress, speaks insolently to her, her mouth shall be scoured with 1 quart of salt." Those were the days when adultery was OK unless you were a woman. Then you were killed. Seems fair to me, let's move on.
1000 BC
Most Populous City: Thebes, Egypt. That's really fun to say. Theeebessss.
Population: 120,000
How'd It Thrive? Around 2000 BC, Thebes took control as the capital of Egypt. Thebes is known to be one of the most wealthy and beautiful cities in the ancient world. Located about 450 miles south of Cairo on both sides of the Nile River, Thebes had many spectacular temples, sphinxes, tombs, and other monuments were built in Thebes and still stand there (now modern-day Luxor and Al-Karnak). And just like Orange County, rich people flocked there to stay rich, get richer, and marry a nice, completely covered up woman. And until the Greeks stepped on their turf, Thebes was the religious, political, and militaristic capital of Egypt. Even though I missed it in my last blog, I think during this paragraph would be the perfect time for my Indiana Jones reference, as Thebes is where the Valley of the Kings is, and Indiana has been there before. Uhhh..yeah, that's it.
1 A.D.
Most Populous City: Rome, Roman Empire. DUH.
Population: Between 800,000 and 2 Million. Or about the population of Idaho, Montana, and North Dakota combined. (I may or may not be kidding)
How'd It Thrive? Well, if you really don't know (for shame, faithful readers), then I'll tell you. Rome was one of the largest Empires in the history of man. As the empire became bigger, the military became bigger, the economy got better, more slaves and nobility entered Rome, increasing the population by muchas personas. Rome was pretty much like a mix of Washington D.C. and Las Vegas, save the lights, add more prostitutes. You know Rome for the Colloseum, the Trevi Fountain, and all the touristy stuff. But what you may not know about this ever-so-populated hub is that the Roman Empire isn't even in the top 10 of most populated Empires of all time. Even though 31% of the world was under Roman rule and that Ancient Rome is perhaps the most studied area of ancient history, it didn't even have a Starbucks. Which is astonishing. WHERE DID THEY GET THEIR TRIPLE NON-FAT CINNAMON DOLCE LATTES AT HALF TEMP'S?!?!? Rome does, however, have the distinction of being the only country on this list outside of or connected to Asia. So congrats, Italians, go ahead and brag about it. Just know this:
1000 A.D.
Most Populous City: Baghdad, Iraq. Without the bombs over it. (Cue Outkast!)
Population: 1.2 Million. Rome was the first to break the million mark but Baghdad took over the population lead like Saddam on Syria.
How'd It Thrive? Unlike the other cities on this list, Baghdad wasn't the world population leader at the time because it was thriving. On the contrary. Baghdad, in 1000 A.D., was actually run by an Iranian group that is so hard to spell, even attempting it would be racist. The main reason for Baghdad's tremendous population at the time was because it was the center of the Islamic world. And Islamic people REALLY love their religion. I mean, there is a reason that you don't see Christians bombing mosques and taking their own lives. Anyways, Baghdad pretty much grew with the growth of Islam and that's how it overtook Rome, since the official religion of Rome was Pinotnoir-ism.
2008 A.D. (aka NOW)
Most Populous City: Tokyo, Japan. You were expecting someone else?
Population: 28,025,000 people in one damn city. My, how things change in a thousand years.
How's It Thriving? Amazingly, I really don't know how Tokyo has thrived throughout the years. Just 60 years ago, most of Japan was poor. Somehow, in the 80s, their economy experienced an unbelieveable boom, comparable only by saying it was like Tokyo was dating Rosie O'Donnell (ok, not that bad. Let's go with Roseanne) and then, after they broke up, Tokyo started dating Scarlet Johansson. Japan is a very organized country. They work hard, they are very educated, and they don't have to pay for a military. Another reason may be that Japan has one of the highest life expectencies, so people don't die as often as elsewhere, keeping the population very high. There are many jobs since its on Tokyo Bay and a massive amount of businesses are located there. Let's be honest here though. The real reason Tokyo is so big? Sake and a condom shortage.
Well, it wasn't my best work but it will tide you over until my next blog which I promise will be epic and embarassing as hell to me, as I will be "critiquing" myself on various aspects of life. Anyways, there's no reason to worry about my ability. It's still going as strong as cholera in Africa. Ouch, how's that excessive diarrhea treating ya? (Oh c'mon, disease jokes against the poor are a little funny. Or not. FINE!) Until I bombard your mind with knowledge, remember one thing: everything in this blog is a metaphor. If you can figure out for what, gold star for you. Until next time, obtenir infecté avec les crabes s'il vous plaît!
3000 BC
Most Populous City: Memphis, Egypt
Population: More than 30,000
How'd It Thrive? Once upon a time, way before cable and pop music (although some scholars debate that), there were two kingdoms of Egypt. Smack dab in the middle was Memphis, Egypt, our topic of discussion. Located about 20 miles south of modern-day capital Cairo, Memphis unified the two halves of Egypt through a mutual need. Plus, Memphis was very strageically important to Ancient Egypt as it lay on the Nile River. At it's time, Memphis was by far the largest city in the world, kind of like what Boise is to Idaho (note: Idaho, although sometimes forgotten, is still actually a state). It held the top spot for over 800 years before being dethroned, pretty much confirming that life (at least, REAL life that is) began somewhere in Africa or the Middle East. Although that begs the ultra-spooky question: where did the Indians come from? (Seriously, what funky mix of sex partners created that? Nothing against Indians, it's just...baffling)
2000 BC
Most Populous City: Ur, Sumer (Now known as "That Place Where America's Spending Your Children's Money")
Population: Around 65,000, about the same amount as the billions of dollars we've spent there.
How'd It Thrive? Located in Sumer, which is sometimes referred to as the "Cradle of Civilization," Ur was a city from the late 6th Millenium BC, was abandoned and was re-settled. Now very inland, Ur used to be located on the Euphrates River, making it very favorable for trade through land and sea routes for all of Arabia. In the third dynasty of Ur, irrigation was improved, and the King at the time built all sorts of temples and set up one of the first code of laws ever known to man. Through all this, however, Ur only remained the largest city in the world for a few years, conviently garnering a spot on this list of lists. My favorite law from the Code of Ur-Nammu has to be this one: "If a man’s slave-woman, comparing herself to her mistress, speaks insolently to her, her mouth shall be scoured with 1 quart of salt." Those were the days when adultery was OK unless you were a woman. Then you were killed. Seems fair to me, let's move on.
1000 BC
Most Populous City: Thebes, Egypt. That's really fun to say. Theeebessss.
Population: 120,000
How'd It Thrive? Around 2000 BC, Thebes took control as the capital of Egypt. Thebes is known to be one of the most wealthy and beautiful cities in the ancient world. Located about 450 miles south of Cairo on both sides of the Nile River, Thebes had many spectacular temples, sphinxes, tombs, and other monuments were built in Thebes and still stand there (now modern-day Luxor and Al-Karnak). And just like Orange County, rich people flocked there to stay rich, get richer, and marry a nice, completely covered up woman. And until the Greeks stepped on their turf, Thebes was the religious, political, and militaristic capital of Egypt. Even though I missed it in my last blog, I think during this paragraph would be the perfect time for my Indiana Jones reference, as Thebes is where the Valley of the Kings is, and Indiana has been there before. Uhhh..yeah, that's it.
1 A.D.
Most Populous City: Rome, Roman Empire. DUH.
Population: Between 800,000 and 2 Million. Or about the population of Idaho, Montana, and North Dakota combined. (I may or may not be kidding)
How'd It Thrive? Well, if you really don't know (for shame, faithful readers), then I'll tell you. Rome was one of the largest Empires in the history of man. As the empire became bigger, the military became bigger, the economy got better, more slaves and nobility entered Rome, increasing the population by muchas personas. Rome was pretty much like a mix of Washington D.C. and Las Vegas, save the lights, add more prostitutes. You know Rome for the Colloseum, the Trevi Fountain, and all the touristy stuff. But what you may not know about this ever-so-populated hub is that the Roman Empire isn't even in the top 10 of most populated Empires of all time. Even though 31% of the world was under Roman rule and that Ancient Rome is perhaps the most studied area of ancient history, it didn't even have a Starbucks. Which is astonishing. WHERE DID THEY GET THEIR TRIPLE NON-FAT CINNAMON DOLCE LATTES AT HALF TEMP'S?!?!? Rome does, however, have the distinction of being the only country on this list outside of or connected to Asia. So congrats, Italians, go ahead and brag about it. Just know this:
1000 A.D.
Most Populous City: Baghdad, Iraq. Without the bombs over it. (Cue Outkast!)
Population: 1.2 Million. Rome was the first to break the million mark but Baghdad took over the population lead like Saddam on Syria.
How'd It Thrive? Unlike the other cities on this list, Baghdad wasn't the world population leader at the time because it was thriving. On the contrary. Baghdad, in 1000 A.D., was actually run by an Iranian group that is so hard to spell, even attempting it would be racist. The main reason for Baghdad's tremendous population at the time was because it was the center of the Islamic world. And Islamic people REALLY love their religion. I mean, there is a reason that you don't see Christians bombing mosques and taking their own lives. Anyways, Baghdad pretty much grew with the growth of Islam and that's how it overtook Rome, since the official religion of Rome was Pinotnoir-ism.
2008 A.D. (aka NOW)
Most Populous City: Tokyo, Japan. You were expecting someone else?
Population: 28,025,000 people in one damn city. My, how things change in a thousand years.
How's It Thriving? Amazingly, I really don't know how Tokyo has thrived throughout the years. Just 60 years ago, most of Japan was poor. Somehow, in the 80s, their economy experienced an unbelieveable boom, comparable only by saying it was like Tokyo was dating Rosie O'Donnell (ok, not that bad. Let's go with Roseanne) and then, after they broke up, Tokyo started dating Scarlet Johansson. Japan is a very organized country. They work hard, they are very educated, and they don't have to pay for a military. Another reason may be that Japan has one of the highest life expectencies, so people don't die as often as elsewhere, keeping the population very high. There are many jobs since its on Tokyo Bay and a massive amount of businesses are located there. Let's be honest here though. The real reason Tokyo is so big? Sake and a condom shortage.
Well, it wasn't my best work but it will tide you over until my next blog which I promise will be epic and embarassing as hell to me, as I will be "critiquing" myself on various aspects of life. Anyways, there's no reason to worry about my ability. It's still going as strong as cholera in Africa. Ouch, how's that excessive diarrhea treating ya? (Oh c'mon, disease jokes against the poor are a little funny. Or not. FINE!) Until I bombard your mind with knowledge, remember one thing: everything in this blog is a metaphor. If you can figure out for what, gold star for you. Until next time, obtenir infecté avec les crabes s'il vous plaît!
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