Some Holiday Cheer

When I first started writing this blog, I never thought I'd still be punching in the keyboard to entertain folk two years later. But here I am. And I thought, since there is no better or more celebrated anniversary than December 25th, that I'd celebrate by writing about Christmas. I struggled for many unemployed hours to come up with a topic for this blog that coincides with the ever-joyous holiday, but every time I came up like a midget at an amusement park: just short. Why come up with a topic by myself when others have already done my work for me. So instead of inventing 6 holidays and writing a list about it, I'm going to list off the 6 Best Fictional Christmas-Themed Holidays.


6. Yak Shaving Day
Date: Sometime towards the end of the year.
Celebrated By: All members of the LSD-incduced Ren & Stimpy universe.
Origins: Yak Shaving Day traces its origins back to 1992, when it was first mentioned in the show. Its basically Christmas, but instead of stockings, they hang poopy diapers and instead of Santa leaving presents, a yak leaves gunk in the sink. Sounds festive. I never really got into this show, though. Maybe it's because I was under 10 and didn't take acid for at least 5 more years. Or maybe its because I was under 10 and didn't get it.
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Poop.



5. Agnostica
Date: December 14th
Celebrated By: Pretty self-explanatory. Agnostics celebrate Agnostica. (Not to be confused with Kwanzans celebrating Kwanza)
Origins: Agnostica is an invention of the online comic "Nukees," dealing with nuclear engineering students. It takes place on December 14th because that's when physicist Max Plank (in 1900) presented a theory of quanta, beginning Quantum Physics (asshole). Agnostica is, rightfully, a confusing holiday for the confused. It's like Halloween, except you go to a party dressed up as your favorite scientist. At this party there is a "Random Bag of Fun," "Mystery Punch," "Mulled Wine," and a Schrodinger Box (big box that cannot be opened). Something tells me Newton and Einstein would get a boner from a party like this.
Why It Hasn't Caught On: There just aren't enough agnostics. Most people that you could probably call agnostic don't really want to celebrate that fact (that's pretty much why they chose to be agnostic in the first place). Besides, most people aren't scientists and most think this party would be "the nerdiest thing I've ever heard." I may be intrigued by the "mulled wine" though. I'll have to think it over.

4. Winterval
Date: All festivals at the end of the year.
Celebrated By: Everyone! It's one of those new-age "fusion" holidays all the kids are talking about.
Origins: Mike Chub, head of the Birmingham (that's England, ladies) City Council, came up with the idea to combine all the events toward the end of the year into one word as to not offend absolutely anyone celebrating a holiday during winter. Some described it as "political correctness gone mad." Me? I'd say why not just combine all the celebrations into one? Have a Winterval Festival with elements of Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza, Ramadan, and Diwali (that's Hindu. Like the red dots or the "curry smell"). Although, I'm not sure I'd want the Jews and Muslims anywhere near each other. That'd be like throwing Israel into Iran. (Battle Royale!)
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Well, most people thought the idea was stupid to begin with (kind of like remaking "The Sandlot" with Keanu Reeves and a bunch of black kids, i.e. "Hardball"). It has caught on with top flight soccer club Fulham in England, as they use it in their Christmas season advertising for the club. Although you would think some cross-faith couples might try "Winterval," since combining those holidays might make Kwanza, Diwali, Ramadan, and Hannukah actually interesting. (Curry flavored Fried Chicken with Maza ball Soup!)

3. Chrismahanukwanzakah
Date: December 13th
Celebrated By: Virgin Mobile (well, they can't be Miley Cyrus' carrier then!) subscribers and kids that have a black parent, a white parent, and a Israeli stepparent. (More likely: Israeli dad has his white Christian wife cheat on him with black man (or woman!) and leave him for the for-life nightclub bouncer).
Origin: This holiday was invented by Virgin Mobile to sell cell phones and, to a lesser extent, satire the political correctness of people like the Birmingham City Council guy we just discussed. How bad is it when a cell phone company is satirizing political correctness? The song was kind of catchy, almost like a Kosuke Fukudome pop up but a little farther than second base. Plus, the commercial had an Indian guy dressed as Santa, a girl covered only by a phone, and a tiny gay elf. If you think that sounds racist, then there's a possibility that it is. Or height-ist, I'm not sure what they call that (sizeist? smallist? asian?).
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Well, people would rather have a set cell phone plan than all that "pay-as-you-go" stuff, mainly so they don't have to change their cell plan every two weeks. Also, I think people are scared of Kwanza (read: black people). I know I am, who even knows what Kwanza means! (re: Kwanzaa means "first" in Swahili. That's African.)


2. Chrismukkah
Date: Hanukkah all the way through Christmas. It's unknown for sure though, Seth never said in The O.C. when it was exactly and I always thought.....(Mike slowly backs away, trying to pretend he didn't just say that, but realizes he's only backing away from the keyboard, not the people he just said that to. He also realizes he could delete all of this but then gets distracted and keeps writing)
Celebrated By: Families that have a Jewish parent and a Gentile parent that celebrates Christmas.
Origins: Well, although Seth Cohen of The O.C. claims to have invented it, it may have been middle-class Jews in 19th Century Germany (certainly not 20th Century Jews in Germany) that started to celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday rather than a religious one. Greedy bastards. Basically, the family celebrates most, but not all 12 days, of Hanukkah with presents, as usual, and watches Christmas movies on Christmas with Chinese food, with both a menorah and Christmas tree both up. We'll give Seth Cohen (Adam Brody) credit for the idea, but only because he dated Rachel Bilson, who did this for Chrismukkah:

HOLY. SHIT.
Why It Hasn't Caught On: Well, to a certain degree, it HAS caught on. After seeing it on The O.C. \, a Jewish-American couple from Montana (yeah, people do live there) started Chrismukkah and wrote two books for recipes and how to celebrate the holiday. I'm not sure how many people actually celebrate it, but Chrismukkah, unlike the other holidays on this list, actually has mitzvah of a chance of catching on. But, you know, it could just...um...could I see that video again?


1. Festivus
Date: December 23rd
Celebrated By: The Costanzas and Seinfeld fanatics. I'd like the airing of grievences part. Imagine yelling at your Grandma "You drink enough booze to fill a lake!" Ahem. Not me talking, just an example.
Origins: Writer Dan O'Keefe started this holiday in 1966 and his son brought it to the attention of the world on Seinfeld. Common practices included putting up an alluminum pole (to oppose X-Mas trees and because "tinsel is distracting") with the modern (yeah, people actually celebrate it) holiday including heavy drinking with a big meal. The "Airing of Grievances" allows the members of the family to share their problems they have with the others. For example: "You're a damn dirty slut and you should stop sleeping around! NO! I will not shut up mom!" The next part, "The Feats of Strength," consists of a guest wrestling the host until the host is pinned. Other than that, it's a completely normal holiday, full of joy and miracles:

Why It Hasn't Caught On: It has. Festivus poles are made. There was a Festivus Ice Cream flavor from "Ben & Jerry's." There's a Festivus wine. Instead of referring to the playoffs as such, the Baltimore Ravens refer to the playoffs as "Festivus." The Wisconsin Governor put a Festivus pole up in his house. There's a "Festivus" film festival, and towns in Wisconsin and South Carolina have Festivus celebrations. There's nothing funny about this holiday anymore. Well, I take that back. This holiday is more out there than The X-Files.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this holiday edition of the blog! I hope you don't feel the actual need to celebrate any of these strange holidays but if you do, more power to you I guess. I'll no doubt get one more blog in before I go to London on the 25th but my next one will probably be the last one of 2008. It's been quite a year on the blog and I can only thank all the regulars who read and all those that are just catch the occasional flavor. Well, from me here at the blog, I wish you and yours a buon natale e l'anno nuovo felice!