Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, readers and braille users, welcome to the Dolan January Mailbag! (Insert crowd noise) While the mailbag may or may not become a staple of the blog, it certainly is here to stay for the moment. January has been a prolific month here on the blog and hopefully that can continue throughout the year. Remember, you can always e-mail real questions or concerns at mdolan2@gmail.com. Otherwise, let's get on with the mailbag. As always, these are fake questions from real people (sometimes).
Q: A few weeks ago I got loaded and thought "what would a Dolan mailbag be like if he was hammered when he answered all the questions?" The questions would be of a sober variety but the answers of (I mean just sloshed) an intoxicated man. Now THAT would be prime time for entertainment. A Dolan Mailbag after 8-10 shots of whiskey would just be filthy good.
--D. Draper, New York, NY.
A: Hey man, I'm writing this blog on a Tuesday night, don't you think I have better things to do than sit around and do 8 shots of whiskey so that I can blog drunk? I clearly would need more than that anyway. So if you want drunk blogger, you're gonna get drunk blogger. Be careful what you wish for. (The rest of the answers are Rated A.A. for Annoyingly Absurd)
Q: With the insertion of Obama into the White House, I think we all are asking the same question: who is the hottest first lady of all time?
--E. Poe, Baltimore, MD.
A: Debatable. It's hard to say how good looking the First Ladies of the 18th and 19th Centuries actually were, so I'm tempted to pick someone from the 1900s. Now Obv it ain't going to be Taft's, Wilson's, Coolidge's, Teddy's, FDR's, Truman's, or Tricky Dicky's. No way to LBJ, nor Ford's, nor Carter's, nor Reagan's. Don't worry, it ain't a Bush and it ain't Clinton. That leaves only two: Michelle Obama and Jacqueline Kennedy. Michelle, besides sharing the absolutely awesome female equivalent of my name, has a tad bit of an overbite (or under, I don't know. It's a deformed bite). Not to say she's a bad looking woman at all, it's just that Jackie was better. I mean, she was married to the greatest womanizing President since John Quincy Adams. (I'll let you figure out if that's a joke or not.) So yes, Jackie Kennedy, you are the hottest First Lady of All Time. Congrats, I'll see if I can get your grave exhumed to get you your award.
Q: Put Andy Reid and Charlie Weiss in a room with 25 Footlong Chicken-Bacon-Ranch Subs from Subway for each; who finishes first?
--Jared, Indianapolis, IN.
A: Holy shit, that's just a flat-out disturbing image. I think Weiss is more of a snacker than a large eater or (likely) both. On the other hand, Andy looks like he's contemplating what he's getting at Burger King after the game. (He's not calling out "#5! #5! because he's trying to get McNabb's attention, you know) As for this contest, I think I would have to go with Andy Reid. I just (unfortunately) picture Andy Reid being able to stuff his face quicker. The only thing I worry about is that Andy Reid might stop to try and challenge if Charlie Weiss spilled a little piece of bacon on the ground, even though it's clearly a cell phone. Oh man, this is harder than I thought. Did you know that having a boatload of whiskey and picturing Charlie Weiss and Andy Reid committing what has to be one of the 7 Deadly Sings is in "Top 5 Things You Should Never, Ever Combine" right behind Tequila and Acid? Well, it is.
OH! Sorry. The whiskey's hitting me pretty hard now. Whew.....OK.
Q: I was watching the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" the other day, when I found out that neither my girlfriend nor a very good friend of mine had ever seen it. Can this injustice stand? What does one do in this troubling, troubling situation?
--Andy, Zihuatanejo, Mexico
A: I think many would agree that Shawshank is the best movie of the 1990s, unless your nominating Goodfellas or something. But let's go with it. First of all, why are you in a relationship with this girl? She's clearly detached from reality and, I'm sorry, if you can't reference Shawshank in everyday life in front of the woman you love (or love to fuck), that's not love. That's a lie. I mean, if you took a trip to Peru and were wandering around unfamiliar territory and you couldn't say "I feel like Brooks right after he got out of jail," you'd feel even more lost. Tell her she's got a week to see it or it's over. As for your good friend, tell him you'll buy him a bottle of (insert his favorite booze) here if he sees it. I mean, you just CAN'T GO THROUGH DAY-TO-DAY LIFE IF YOU CAN'T REFERENCE SHAWSHANK IN EVERYDAY CONVERSATION WITH THE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO YOU! What is WRONG with you people? This movie is for everyone. You know how I know? I was at a mental institution last week and they were showing it to all the residents. If you haven't seen it, you are less intelligent than a mentally insane person. How do you feel about that?
Q: Better Looking ESPN Female reporter: Rachel Nichols vs. Erin Andrews?
--C. Berman, Briston, CN.
A: Rahcel Nichols. Erin is pretty and all but how often do you come across the natural fire red hair? NOT OFTEN I SAY! Something about it just gets me all hot 'n bothered, unless my girlfriend is reading this, in which case, redheads are gross. Besides anyone related to you. (Oh Dolan, a save and a beauty!) Someone needs to remind me that writing things out like they are thoughts doesn't actually hide them from the person I don't want to read them. Let's move on before the rambling continues into an uncontrollable state of a complete, devoid feeling that can only be described as a stoner getting a call back to find out his dealer is out of weed. And you know what? That hurts.
Q: Michael Jackson's older brother has an 8-year old son named "Jermajesty." Besides the obvious absurdity of the name, it presents a golden opportunity for him to take his wife's last name and have one of the greatest names ever. Say, if Pittsburgh Penguins player Miroslav Satan had a daughter and Jermajesty took her name. Somebody needs to make this happen.
--P. Fitzgerald, Mt. Prospect, IL
A: I can only picture it now. The DMV, 10 years from now. "Jermajesty Satan, your license is ready." Could you ever imagine the looks extremely religious Latino women would give him? Oh my god, I would pay to see that. Wouldn't it be better though if he changed his name to a last name that was a first name? "Jermajesty Grant or Jermajesty Jenny." Someone with a girls first name as their last name needs to introduce their kids immediately. Unless their kids are over 18. That would just be super creepy. Like, Michael Jackson-creepy. Wow that was easy.
Q: Would you contract syphilis and have it known to the world to sleep with gymnast Nastia Liukin for an entire weekend (If you didn't have a girlfriend, of course)?
-- R. Kelly, Jail.
A: Only if she used me as the apparatus or the balance beam. (And I didn't have a girlfriend)
Q: Could you compare any sporting situation to the crisis in the Israel?
--A. Sharon, Jerusalem, Palestine.
A: Obviously, you could have said the Knicks last year. But now I have to get creative. Luckily for me, whiskey = creativity. Or is it stupidity? EIther way, I could compare the Middle East situation to one sporting situation: (me being offensive alert!) the Commish of the NBA is a Jew (David Stern). For the sake of me not having to research it, I'm going to say the guy who bought the Seattle Supersonics a few years ago is also Jewish. They (yes, they, Stern and the other terrorist) hijacked the team to Oklahoma City, which is like moving the beach to Alaska. So the players were forced to move (just like the Palestinians) somewhere against their will. Numerous Seattle fans were crushed (like the Palestinians) while the Jews just went to the bank to cash in their profits from their fake NBA team that doesn't deserve a name. They should be the Oklahoma City Palestinians.
Q: Everyone talks about the greatest nude scenes in the history of cinema. Well, I don't. I know only your diligent research can uncover the answer to this question: what is the single worst nude scene in the history of cinema? And a follow up: what kind of money would it take to get you to film said scene?
--R.Ebert, Chicago, IL
A: Wow, another great question to think about while I'm drunk off my ass. WHO CARES?! Since you do, I'll find out. Wasn't Kathy Bates nude in "About Schmidt"? (researches) Yes, she was briefly. So that is the worst, because she is not attractive and she's old. Plus, she's fat. What was Jack Nicholson thinking (Oscar Oscar Oscar Oscar Please Oscar)? I'd film it for $10, I'm broke. Plus, I've seen women uglier than that naked (don't ask how). I need money, pay me.
Q: What is the worse decision in this situation: Jimmy Fallon taking over Conan O'Brien's hour of late late night or Jay Leno going primetime, giving them 3 hours of talk shows in a row?
--D.Letterman, New York, NY.
A: God I just loate Jimmy Fallon. Hate Hate Hate. These are both bad decisions, but NBC couldn't put a quality show on if it had Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, and Eva Mendes as professional mud wrestlers. Wait. Yeah, that would work (hopefully on HBO, though). Still, they need Leno. Nobody needs Jimmy Fallon. I mean, wouldn't someone like the body of a dead man be funnier than Jimmy Fallon? This idea terrifies me more than the Andy Reid and Kathy Bates questions combined. And that's an awful lot of food and saggyness to get over.
Q: Everyone knows that Disneyland is a kids paradise. What about the paradise of other age groups? Say 20s, 30s, 40s, etc. Take into account that by 30, that person is probably married.
--S.Holmes, London, England.
A: Kids have it pretty easy. I remember complaining about school and now when I hear a kid complain about it, I just want to yell in the kids face "DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD YOU GOT IT?!" The paradise for a 20 year old is Amsterdam, it's Disney World for young adults. The paradise for a 30 and above is Vegas. It's close, and since you'll probably be married, how many places can you get away with going? Not many. You can get drunk, gamble, and, if you're not getting any at home or your just a douche, you can get laid for cash. Ahh, Vegas....where dreams and marriages go to die (or live, I guess).
Q: I live near a town called Villa Park in Illinois. My friend and I were having a debate about what a person from Villa Park would be called. We couldn't agree on anything so we figured you could just make one up for us.
--A. Al-Fayed, Villa Park, IL.
A: That is a tough one. I'd say Villa Parker but that sounds like your parking a car. How bout Villa Parkas? That sounds catchy. And warm. I live in Mount Prospect and Arlington Heights. What would that be? (Besides rich! Ka-Ching!) Mount Prospector and Arlington Heighty. Wow, I'm like gold. Gold bars of schlagger. Oy vei, I'm starting to come down from the Whiskey Effect, hold on while I get another drink.
Q: How many actresses are there where you would pay to see an absolutely terrible movie they were in (knowing the pictures will never be available on the internet), provided there was a 1 second scene of her naked?
--B. Dolan, Mt. Prospect, IL
A: Back and ready for drunk! Anyways. I read your question and answer this way: there is only one. It's not because she's the hottest girl in the world in my eyes, because she's not. I just....I can't keep imagining what it looks like. And it'll never happen, whereas I'm thinking most other actresses will show a little at some point. But not this one. Oh, no. I could just picture her now with her stupid hockey player boyfriend saying "Oh! A script with nudity in it! Throw this one in the fire, honey." So when I go out on this limb that many others would not join me on, the only actress (maybe girls that aren't actresses, but that's so far beside the point, Sarah Palin could see it from her porch) I would pay to see naked for 1 second in a hideous movie would be....Hilary Duff. Sorry. You asked. Oh no, wait. I made the questions up. Damn I'm writing out my thoughts again. Whiskey strong.
Q: I see you picked an episode called "The Naked Man" as one of your favs of the year. I saw the episode, in which a chubby man goes on a date with an attractive woman. The date doesn't go so well but he's invited in to use the bathroom or something. While the woman's in the other room, the man takes off all his clothes and awaits the woman's return to see if she goes for it. The episode said it worked (worked = got laid) 2 out of 3 times. Could this move possibly work?
-NPH, Manhattan, NY.
A: Jesus Christ, are you an idiot? Does it look like I know ANYTHING about picking up women? I haven't had many relationships and the longest one I've had, introduced herself to me, rather than the other way around. I will attempt to answer it though. If you work out and have a good body for a dude and the girl is either a) a slut, b) mega-horny, or c) desperate then it might work. However, you should be prepared to be kicked out of the apartment with out your clothes. So, you know, hide your wallet and phone somewhere. Or...don't, actually. That's fucked up. I mean, if this actually worked, wouldn't almost every guy just start doing it? Hell, I would try this if I heard (and confirmed) it actually worked for someone. Just goes to show you the desperation of man that we ever have to come up with ideas like this. And women want equal rights? YOU GUYS ALREADY CONTROL EVERYTHING!!
I hope you all learned your lesson today. Drinking and blogging is much more dangerous and disturbing than once thought. It will never, ever happen again. I hope my obvious drunkenness at least gave you a little chuckle as you skimmed through this months mailbag. What comes next for the blog? Who knows. But you can be sure my sober demeanor will be prepared to infiltrate knowledge into your mind like a AIDS awareness teacher in Africa. If you didn't like the blog today, make like a goldfish and forget it. Complainers don't bring out creativity. And neither does whiskey. That brings out stupidity and arrest warrants. For now though, i must make like a Bulgarian and say Doskoro! Happy Obama Day Everyone!
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