Even Death is a Laughing Matter

You don't find too many people out there who find death funny. Even though it usually is rather tragic and depressing, death has its fine points as well. Death can serve as a period on the dramatic sentence of a well-lived life, if you will. Most deaths disappear into the air or ground (or ocean, if it sucks to be you) with little remembrance of a life gone by. Well, I'm here to remind you that remembrance isn't always a good thing. Sometimes it's better to just be forgotten. These are the The 7 Most Embarrassing Self-Inflicted Deaths (Not Suicides).

7. Chrysippus
Date of Death: 207 BC in Greece
Age: 73, more or less. Give me a break, it was 2200 years ago.
The Happenstance: Good ol' Chysippus was a very renowned stoic philosopher, for it was he who popularized stoic philosophy. So we can agree he was an intelligent, respected man, right? Well, the way he died seemed like how an alcoholic farmhand would die. One day, Chrysippus had too much wine. He couldn't drink anymore so he decided he would channel wine through his donkey. The donkey became very drunk. The donkey tried to eat some of Chrysippus' figs. Chrysippus thought this was rather funny. So funny, in fact, that he died because he was drunk, 72, and laughing too hard at his drunk donkey trying to eat Greece's version of the Fig Newton. Modern equivalent: turtle trying to eat a steak.

6. Jack Daniels
Date of Death: October 10, 1911 in Lynchburg, Tennessee, which may be the most offensive city name in America.
Age: 61
The Happenstance: The Whiskey maker and Lynchburger, Jack's death took a little more time than the others. You see, it isn't always changing a light bulb over the running water of a bathtub that makes the accidental death news. Sir Daniels (as hes called in my house) was having trouble opening his safe, as he forgot the combo, presumably while 100% sober. As Jack screamed "What in tarnation?!" and hit the safe with his shoe, he remembered seeing a game of soccer and thought "Kicking. That's what opens metal." So he kicked the safe as hard as he could. Although he didn't die right then and there, six years late Jacky Boy succumbed to lead poisoning in his foot and passed into alcy heaven. As requested in his will, the combo for his safe is on every bottle of Jack :45% A.B.V. or 45-01-02-22. Jack's memory lives on in the hearts and minds of every drinker who's puked and passed out on a stranger's lawn.

5. Eleazar Maccabeus
Date of Death: 162 BC in Israel at the Battle of Beth-zechariah, around the West Bank, where they finally have achieved peace!
Age: Unknown but rather young, presumably. Presumably he existed. Presumably.
The Happenstance: Eleazar, a young and important Jew (like Seth Green!), died a hero. Or an idiot, depending on how you look at it. During the battle of (Jewish sounding words), Eleazar spotted the king of the opposing side on a large elephant, as if there were any other kind! Instead of stabbing it in the head or something, Eleazar sneaked up, sat under the elephant and speared him like Jesus on the cross (too soon?). There was one fault with Eleazar's brilliant plan: things that get stabbed die and, thus, cannot stand up. The elephant ended up Yokozuna-ing his ass, flattening him like a pancake at a Waffle House. Even though young, young Eleazar died a hero, it was bittersweet. Eleazar only thought that the elephant was carrying the king, as he missed his appointment at Pearl Vision earlier that morning. It just goes to show that if you kill anything as a Jewish warrior, you are remembered fondly. Why do you think one of the guys who launched the missiles into Gaza last week was recently seen partying with fellow-Jew Natalie Portman? (re: Jews do NOT know how to party. They were seen coming out of a Kosher Bar at 8:15.)

4. Jennifer Strange
Date of Death: January 12, 2007 in Rancho Cordova, California
Age: 28 year old, mother of 3
The Happenstance: Poor Jenny was participating in a radio contest to try and win a Ninetndo Wii for her kids. What she didn't know was that if you hold your bladder for a long period of time after drinking lots of water, well that's not good for you. Unfortunately, Jennifer didn't know this going into the "Hold your Wee for a Wii" contest put on by the clever radio station in the Sacramento area. After the contest was over, Jennifer was on her way home and in "extreme pain" since had consumed almost 80 or so ounces of water in an hour without urinating. About an hour later, Strange was found dead in her home by her mother, due to water intoxication. The worst part: she didn't even win! Poor kids of hers. Surprisingly, no criminal charges were filed against the producers or hosts of the show, who received numerous calls warning about a possible danger in the contest of death, but the DJs laughed it off. They were subsequently fired and now are doing the same contests behind a 7-11 with homeless people and presumably will be sued until they have no money left. Even more bittersweet for Jenny's family: Wii's are now on sale across the country.

3. Tycho Brahe
Date of Death: October 24, 1601 in Prague, Czech Republic (then Bohemia)
Age: 54
The Happenstance: Tycho was attending a lavish dinner party at some fancy dude's home in Prague. They had no doubt consumed a rather large amount of wine throughout dinner, which would make even the most iron bladdered man to have to use the little boys room (or the little girls room if he's a pervert). However, it was considered extremely bad etiquette to leave the table during a nice dinner, such as the one Tycho was at. While the table was discussing astrology, since Tycho was part-astrologist, Tycho was rocking back and forth saying "yeah, YES, THE EARTH IS FLAT GODDAMNIT! ARE WE DONE HERE?!" The dinner party just dragged on and on, until one of the guests sitting next to Tycho said "hey, what's that warm liquid touching my leg? And why is Brahe unconscious or dead?" Well, it turned out that that warm liquid was pee and Brahe had died, right there at the dinner table. His pants were covered in piss, like the old lady from Billy Madison, and yes I only included that line so I could make that movie reference. Although other accounts of his death include murder speculations, I'd like to think that this whole story is true just for the selfish purpose of not rendering my sacred blog invalid. Seriously, this blog is like all I got right now.

2. Sigurd the Mighty of Orkney
Date of Death: Died 892 AD in Northern Scotland, as if there was a different kind of Scotland
Age: Unknown. Vikings didn't start printing birth certificates until around 900 AD.
The Happenstance: Sigurd here was the Viking Earl of Orkney who succeeded his brother, Ragnald the Wise (not to be confused with the other Ragnald). During Sigurd's conquest of Scotland, he beheaded one of the Scottish kingdom rulers. Instead of just letting it be since, you know, the guy was dead, Sigurd couldn't resist his inner Viking and strapped the ruler's head to his saddle. Since a horse doesn't ride as smooth as, say, one of those VW Vans from the 70s, the head kept bobbing against Sigurd's tree trunk of a leg. In what has to be the worst sequence of road head, the teeth of the head broke his skin open and since the Viking word for toothbrush is "chicken bone", Sigurd's leg was predictably infected. As the Viking word for medicine was "bludgeon," the infection spread throughout his body until it killed him. Before I make another Viking dictionary joke, I will leave you with the following so you do not have to hear it:

Oh that's right. I went there.

1. Franz Reichelt
Date of Death: February 4, 1912 in Paris, France
Age: Sometime in his 40s, unless the French age well. Wait...do they? Does not showering make you look older or younger?
The Happenstance: Franz was an Austrian tailor living in Paris. Business was down until Franz got a great idea and it wasn't to tell Germany that France would lie down if they invaded. With the popularity of planes growing, Franz attempted to capitalize on the potentially growing industry. He figured people would need to jump out of these flying contraptions, so he tried to make an invention no sky diver takes for granted: the parachute. This is like an auto mechanic designing a plane. Probably not the safest idea. Undettered by his detractors and his own stupidity, Franz decided that his parachute needed to be tested if people were going to buy it. What Franz didn't know was that people didn't WANT to need a parachute. And since about 5 people could afford flying in Paris, his market would be somewhat limited. One thing Franz did have going for him was that the Eiffel Tower, then the tallest man-made structure, was right in his backyard (not literally, he was just a tailor), available for his any or last desire (key word: last). Franz ascended to the first deck of the Tower, about 200 feet in the air, and said "Wii. This es la perfecta location four mi fateful jump." What happened next could be compared to a wrestler jumping off the top rope and missing, except that the top rope was 200 feet high and the mat was cement. Although the French attempted to insult him for his failure, he was dead and the French were about to be rocked by the Germans in World War I. So maybe Franz got the better end of the deal. I mean, have YOU ever been invaded by Germany? They are mean. Like a nursing home patient who sends back their order. If you want to laugh at a person dying, here's the video of him "soaring" to his death.


Hope you enjoyed the deaths of these unfortunate people who probably would have rather just had a fatal seizure or something. But what can you do, somebody's deaths have to entertain us. In other blog news, I have a new mailbag coming up for you ladies and gentlemen. I'm gonna try and get one up every month this year. I can only knock on wood that today's blog will help look at death in a lighter point of view. No doubt that death is not easy, I'm definitely not saying to think of it that way. But death can be funny, on occasions, when stupid people do stupid things. Any of the above people could have avoided their deaths and only their stubbornness or idiocy prevented their lives from continuing. Anyways, I'll see you next time with the mailbag and until then, catch the new Flight of the Conchords or read up on the middle east. Hasta luego, amigas.