Excuse Me, Is This Place Occupied?

The world is a very crowded place. We jam bunches of people into small, small areas like a 11-inch (expletive) into a virgin's (expletive). It didn't always used to be that way, you see. Back in the old days (even further back than the "enforced DUI" and "domestic abuse laws"), people were spread out since their cousin Hallah couldn't ring them up on their cell and tell them what address to plug in on their TomTom: Camel Edition. Still, different areas of the world still became more populous than others (And why not? Even then, people knew Canada sucks). But where, you may (or more likely, may not) ask, were these cities that were larger than the others. Since you can probably see where I'm going with this, let's get down to it. These are the Most Populous Cities in History By Every Millenium (Since 3000BC).

3000 BC
Most Populous City: Memphis, Egypt
Population: More than 30,000
How'd It Thrive? Once upon a time, way before cable and pop music (although some scholars debate that), there were two kingdoms of Egypt. Smack dab in the middle was Memphis, Egypt, our topic of discussion. Located about 20 miles south of modern-day capital Cairo, Memphis unified the two halves of Egypt through a mutual need. Plus, Memphis was very strageically important to Ancient Egypt as it lay on the Nile River. At it's time, Memphis was by far the largest city in the world, kind of like what Boise is to Idaho (note: Idaho, although sometimes forgotten, is still actually a state). It held the top spot for over 800 years before being dethroned, pretty much confirming that life (at least, REAL life that is) began somewhere in Africa or the Middle East. Although that begs the ultra-spooky question: where did the Indians come from? (Seriously, what funky mix of sex partners created that? Nothing against Indians, it's just...baffling)

2000 BC
Most Populous City: Ur, Sumer (Now known as "That Place Where America's Spending Your Children's Money")
Population: Around 65,000, about the same amount as the billions of dollars we've spent there.
How'd It Thrive? Located in Sumer, which is sometimes referred to as the "Cradle of Civilization," Ur was a city from the late 6th Millenium BC, was abandoned and was re-settled. Now very inland, Ur used to be located on the Euphrates River, making it very favorable for trade through land and sea routes for all of Arabia. In the third dynasty of Ur, irrigation was improved, and the King at the time built all sorts of temples and set up one of the first code of laws ever known to man. Through all this, however, Ur only remained the largest city in the world for a few years, conviently garnering a spot on this list of lists. My favorite law from the Code of Ur-Nammu has to be this one: "If a man’s slave-woman, comparing herself to her mistress, speaks insolently to her, her mouth shall be scoured with 1 quart of salt." Those were the days when adultery was OK unless you were a woman. Then you were killed. Seems fair to me, let's move on.

1000 BC
Most Populous City: Thebes, Egypt. That's really fun to say. Theeebessss.
Population: 120,000
How'd It Thrive? Around 2000 BC, Thebes took control as the capital of Egypt. Thebes is known to be one of the most wealthy and beautiful cities in the ancient world. Located about 450 miles south of Cairo on both sides of the Nile River, Thebes had many spectacular temples, sphinxes, tombs, and other monuments were built in Thebes and still stand there (now modern-day Luxor and Al-Karnak). And just like Orange County, rich people flocked there to stay rich, get richer, and marry a nice, completely covered up woman. And until the Greeks stepped on their turf, Thebes was the religious, political, and militaristic capital of Egypt. Even though I missed it in my last blog, I think during this paragraph would be the perfect time for my Indiana Jones reference, as Thebes is where the Valley of the Kings is, and Indiana has been there before. Uhhh..yeah, that's it.

1 A.D.
Most Populous City: Rome, Roman Empire. DUH.
Population: Between 800,000 and 2 Million. Or about the population of Idaho, Montana, and North Dakota combined. (I may or may not be kidding)
How'd It Thrive? Well, if you really don't know (for shame, faithful readers), then I'll tell you. Rome was one of the largest Empires in the history of man. As the empire became bigger, the military became bigger, the economy got better, more slaves and nobility entered Rome, increasing the population by muchas personas. Rome was pretty much like a mix of Washington D.C. and Las Vegas, save the lights, add more prostitutes. You know Rome for the Colloseum, the Trevi Fountain, and all the touristy stuff. But what you may not know about this ever-so-populated hub is that the Roman Empire isn't even in the top 10 of most populated Empires of all time. Even though 31% of the world was under Roman rule and that Ancient Rome is perhaps the most studied area of ancient history, it didn't even have a Starbucks. Which is astonishing. WHERE DID THEY GET THEIR TRIPLE NON-FAT CINNAMON DOLCE LATTES AT HALF TEMP'S?!?!? Rome does, however, have the distinction of being the only country on this list outside of or connected to Asia. So congrats, Italians, go ahead and brag about it. Just know this:


1000 A.D.
Most Populous City: Baghdad, Iraq. Without the bombs over it. (Cue Outkast!)
Population: 1.2 Million. Rome was the first to break the million mark but Baghdad took over the population lead like Saddam on Syria.
How'd It Thrive? Unlike the other cities on this list, Baghdad wasn't the world population leader at the time because it was thriving. On the contrary. Baghdad, in 1000 A.D., was actually run by an Iranian group that is so hard to spell, even attempting it would be racist. The main reason for Baghdad's tremendous population at the time was because it was the center of the Islamic world. And Islamic people REALLY love their religion. I mean, there is a reason that you don't see Christians bombing mosques and taking their own lives. Anyways, Baghdad pretty much grew with the growth of Islam and that's how it overtook Rome, since the official religion of Rome was Pinotnoir-ism.

2008 A.D. (aka NOW)
Most Populous City: Tokyo, Japan. You were expecting someone else?
Population: 28,025,000 people in one damn city. My, how things change in a thousand years.
How's It Thriving? Amazingly, I really don't know how Tokyo has thrived throughout the years. Just 60 years ago, most of Japan was poor. Somehow, in the 80s, their economy experienced an unbelieveable boom, comparable only by saying it was like Tokyo was dating Rosie O'Donnell (ok, not that bad. Let's go with Roseanne) and then, after they broke up, Tokyo started dating Scarlet Johansson. Japan is a very organized country. They work hard, they are very educated, and they don't have to pay for a military. Another reason may be that Japan has one of the highest life expectencies, so people don't die as often as elsewhere, keeping the population very high. There are many jobs since its on Tokyo Bay and a massive amount of businesses are located there. Let's be honest here though. The real reason Tokyo is so big? Sake and a condom shortage.

Well, it wasn't my best work but it will tide you over until my next blog which I promise will be epic and embarassing as hell to me, as I will be "critiquing" myself on various aspects of life. Anyways, there's no reason to worry about my ability. It's still going as strong as cholera in Africa. Ouch, how's that excessive diarrhea treating ya? (Oh c'mon, disease jokes against the poor are a little funny. Or not. FINE!) Until I bombard your mind with knowledge, remember one thing: everything in this blog is a metaphor. If you can figure out for what, gold star for you. Until next time, obtenir infecté avec les crabes s'il vous plaît!