It's here, it's here, and since I'm all out of beer, I have time to serenade you with the answers to your deepest concerns. It's the June mailbag! Does it get any better? I think not! Sit back, crack one open, and enjoy a sexual experience of reading the only mailbag that can get you both hot AND bothered.
Q: What drink would best for taking an overseas plane ride with Whoopi Goldberg?
--W. Goldberg, New York, NY
A: That sounds like a plane ride straight to Hades, but if they have it, I'd recommend an ambien tonic. It's basically a vodka tonic with ambien in it. Guaranteed to make like LL Cool J and knock you out.
Q: What would be the funniest drunken animal?
--S. Irwin, Purgatory, NJ.
A: A sting ray. But you'd already know that Steve, wouldn't ya?
Q: Atomic apocalypse coming: what US city's landscape would be least affected?
--T. Arnold, Tulsa, OK.
A: Well, it's a close call between Detroit and Pittsburgh. Both are hideous looking cities that need to be wiped off the map anyway. If you live in either of those cities, I'm sorry. Sorry that you have to live there. It's no shock that these two cities are some of fattest, drunkest people in the country.
Q: What is the gayest song you like?
--NPH, New Brunswick, NJ.
A: I'm not embarrassed about one single song on my iTunes. I love music and don't care if people criticize my tastes or heterosexuality because of a few songs I have on there. But, to answer the question, the "gayest" song I love has to be "Hey Now!" by Hilary Duff. Doesn't mean I'm not gonna get in my car and sing it loud. In fact, I have the entire Hilary Duff CD. Maybe one day, Hilary will notice my love, but until that day arrives, I'll just listen to "Come Clean" with a big smile on my face.
Q: Is it true that there's a point on a man's head, that if you shoot it, it will blow up? And to follow, how awesome would it be to have your head explode for your death?
--N. Frost, London, UK.
A: I believe your referring to the point on the head where, if you're drunk enough, you make the head explode because of the bullets reaction to the alcohol in your system, causing an internal "spark" that pushes your head outward and all over the wall. Hope that helps. (This message sponsored to you by Heineken. If it's not Heineken, it'll make your head blow up.)
Q: You talk alot about the best of this, the best of that, blah blah blah. I don't care. What's going to be the worst summer movie, if it hasn't come out yet already? And will anything be better than "Up"?
--M. Eisner, Orlando, FL.
A: The worst summer movie will be, without a doubt, GI Joe. The thing looks like it came out of Drew Carey's butt after a Taco Bell buffet. I'm not sure when it comes out but that's because it looks more hideous than even the generic rom-com's coming out with Katherine Heigl/Gerard Butler and Sandra Bullock/Ryan Reynolds. And if a movie this summer is better than "Up" it's gonna have to be Best Picture-worthy. I'm still pissed WALL-E wasn't nominated for BP last year and it's about time a Pixar movie got nominated. They are consistently groundbreaking. Up just makes me...up. In every way possible.
Q: Is there anything more annoying than Robert Pattinson, the "Twilight" dude, simply becoming enormously popular just because of the character he plays? Oh, and how horrible a death should he die?
--S. Meyer, Hull, UK.
A: Robert Pattinson, when was the last time you showered, did your hair, OR wore clean clothes? You are a sex symbol yet you look like you're consistently waking up from a devastating hangover. I haven't read/seen Twilight, because I'm not a teenager and I have a penis. But I will tell you this: this guy is as douche as they come. And his death should fall somewhere between drawing and quartering and drowning in the shit that the kid from Slumdog Millionaire fell into. (Maybe have someone dump in his mouth while getting drawn and quartered?)
Q: Out of all the wars in the last 100 years, where would you rank each one, regarding your desirability to fight in them? And do you know if the army is accepting new applicants? I'm hungry to join!
--C. Rice, Washington, D.C.
A: Here is a comprehensive list of the wars I'd feel least scarred of fighting in:
1. Korean War (How hard could Koreans fight?)
2. Desert Storm (Rolled through this one like an angry mob on a witchhunt)
3. Current Iraq War (Sucks, but it's far less worse casuality-wise)
4. World War II (I'd probably get killed by friendly fire)
5. World War I (Shit my pants)
6. Vietnam War (Wouldn't sleep for more than 10 minutes a night)
It doesn't matter which one though, because my luck would get me killed almost instantly, anywhere.
Q: Two choices and you have to pick one: sex with Jessica Alba but you die a year later or sex with Rosie O'Donnell and you live to 95?
--L. David, Los Angeles, CA.
A: You might be shocked by my decision here, but here me out. Unless I got so drunk I lost all feeling, sex with Jessica Alba would last for about 45-55 seconds. Why? Because right away I'd be thinking "Holy shit, I'm fucking Jessica Alba." Is a minute worth 94 years of being dead as opposed to being alive? No. So I'd suck it up and screw the lesbian heifer in the dark, blackout drunk and leave right away. Not before I vomited all over the place. Why? Because right away I'd be thinking "Ahhh shit, I'm fucking Rosie O'Donnell." Blech.
Q: Alcohol makes me prematurely ejaculate. Do you have any tips on how I can still enjoy the sauce without spewing mine out so quickly?
--A. Samberg, New York, NY.
A: Uhhhhh.....double wrap it? What do I look like, a sex guru? (Although, I am more of a love guru than Mike Myers in that pitiful, pitiful movie.)
Q: What flavors does the Muffin Man sell? I'm hungry.
--F. Albert, Bronx, NY.
A: Blueberry, Chocolate chip, Banana Crunch, Raspberry, and Low-Carb Peach. However, if you are under 15, all flavors contain a special "roofie" ingredient. Yeah, that's how the Muffin Man rolls. Stay away from drury lane, just go to the bakery.
Q: Out of all the cast members of Friends, which is most likely an alcoholic, a slut, a terrible lay, and gay?
--L. Conrad, Beverly Hills, CA.
A: Good question, bestie. Obviously David Schwimmer is the most likely to be gay. Lisa Kudrow would probably be an awful, awful lay. Matt LeBlanc would be the most likely alcoholic, since he hasn't been working. As for a slut, how bout Jenny Aniston. I mean, she is on tons of magazine covers half-naked. Wouldn't it be great if you could point at a picture and have the real-life version of it just appear? Playboy would be subscribed in every single home ever.
Q: So I just did a line of coke off a strippers boobs without paying for it. Top that.
--M. Gibson, Boise, ID.
A: I haven't been arrested for a DUI or been anti-Semetic in public. As for topping the stripper thing? A stripper gave me a hickey once and rubbed her hand on my boner because I told her I had just broken up with my girlfriend. Without paying. Also, I'm not insane. Victory.
Q: What's worse: passing out drunk during sex, intentionally hitting a road bump while getting road head, or finishing the last beer in the fridge without asking?
--C. Ronaldo, Lisbon, Portugal.
A: What's bad about hitting the road bump? It'll just make it more enjoyable. The worst of the other two is probably passing out drunk during sex, if indeed you do it on top of them. You can always buy more beer. You can't make up for the awful experience that is getting passed out on top of when you're giving her the business. Especially if your a big dude.
Q: What's the most outrageous hair color you've ever dyed your hair or would dye it? And, I must ask, are there any hair color a girl would have that you wouldn't sleep with? And why?
--A. Lavigne, San Juan, PR.
A: I'd dye my hair anything for the right cause (i.e. sex) besides purple. No purple for me, ever. And no. There is no hair color I wouldn't sleep with. If you can pull off the fuscia highlights or the bright green bangs, then more power to you. You are a hero, madam. Nothing short of a veteran of war. (Note: pubic dying would be a crazy awesome idea. just throwing it out there.)
Q: What's the protocol for the "Area Code" rule in long-distance relationships?
--V. Putin, St. Petersburg, Russia.
A: Every couple has different rules. As a single, drunk, and virtually sexless individual, I'd say it would be a good idea to keep things "open" in a long distance relationship if you aren't married. I know, I know. That kind of shit never works. Well, neither do long-distance relationships. So have some fun or something. I don't know. Fuck who(m?)ever you like, it's human nature.
Q: Is it physically possible to suck your own dick? And is it gay if you can pull it off?
--T. Quirsfeld, Champaign, IL.
A: No it is not physically possible without breaking your spine/neck in half. If you actually were able to pull it off, then it might be gay, but who wouldn't go gay for themselves? Don't you love you? Just don't swallow and things will be AG, all good.
Q: If you could get drunk with one president, living or dead, who would it be? And don't say George Bush. That'd be too predictable from a clever motherfucker like you.
--J. Statham, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Our 14th President, Franklin Pierce. Why? Because when he left the oval office his first words were "There is nothing left but to get drunk. He also had a DUI for running over a woman with a horse carriage. Dude basically caused the Civil War. He had plenty to drink about and drunk about it he did. My kind of dude.
Q: Drunk, attractive girl in a Cubs t-shirt that's all over you at Wrigley Field. Tell me how this situation could get any better.
--R. Woo-Woo, Chicago, IL.
A: Oooo, I think I just got turned on. Things that could make it better: Cubs victory. Nudity. Being on Sportcenters Top Plays. Her Boyfriend Watching while Crying. Whiskey. Another drunk, attractive girl in a Cubs shirt. Another. A homer just as I'm finishing so everyone will be cheering. Victory cigar. Catching a foul ball during. A breakdancing midget. Bob Uecker announcing it. Some black dude screaming out "Awwww shit!". The girl moaning "Go Mike Go" to the tune of "Go Cubs Go." And finally, a five-man trumpet band playing "Walking on Broken Glass" by Annie Lennox.
Total win.
Well, there you have it. The June mailbag. I hope you enjoyed what I enjoyed. My writing, that is. If you didn't, that's a shame. I'll try to do better next time, then. But for you that liked it, thank you. This blog, like most things, is always better with a cocktail or two. So always drink up before you read up. I don't care what fucking time it is. Follow my orders and victory will be yours. Until next time, keep your heads up and pass the salt. Huh? I don't know. Bye now!
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