Jack and Jim Filled to the Brim

I'm giddy. Who's got two thumbs and wants to blog? THIS GUY. Anyways, I know I haven't had a real list-post up in a while. Let's change that, shall we? I don't know about you but I love a good whiskey. It's too delicious to even describe. In the intersection of whiskey goodness, there presents itself a road block to the average drinker: which type of whiskey is right for me? Well, me being the expert of inebriation, I will gladly answer this question for you all. In my first edition, here it is: Battle of the Booze: Whiskey.

The Battle will be held between the Top 4 types of Whiskey: Irish Whiskey, Scotch Whiskey, Canadian Whiskey, and American Whiskey. Since all other whiskey's are shit, they are all automatically disqualified. Moving on. (Shut up, Japanese. Your whiskey isn't as good as you think it is.)

Contestant #1: Irish Whiskey
Popular Brands: Jameson, Bushmill, Tullamore Dew, Michael Collins
Pro's: Irish Whiskey is the whiskey of the Irish, which obviously gives it extra points here on the pro-Irish blog. It's only produced in Ireland and aged for a minimum of 3 years. Otherwise, it's not Irish whiskey. Plus, you can use it in Irish Car Bombs and you can still get a little taste of it when it's mixed. The Irish whiskey has a distinct taste, not unlike sex but more like stale ice cream. Which is as good as an booze is gonna taste, to be quite honest.
Cons: Irish whiskey is, understandably, a little more expensive over here in the States. The brand names are limited, like my sex life, and Jameson's is really the only one people drink over here. Not that there's anything remotely wrong with that.
Final Tally: Taste: 9/10, Value: 7/10, Mixability: 9/10. Final: 25/30.

Contestant #2: Scotch Whiskey
Popular Brands: Johnnie Walker, Dewars, J&B, Chivas.
Pro's: Personally, I hate scotch. (read: no chance to win here) But, to be fair, I'm trying to pretend for the sake of the blog. It must be produced in Scotland, must be over 45% ABV, and it must be aged at least 3 years and a day because that's how the Scottish roll. (unlike some Scottish, who roll down hills in kilts. *shudders*). It has a very unique taste, unlike any other whiskey. It's process is also much more elaborate and much more complex than the others, exactly like the Scottish people.
Con's: It tastes like alcoholic monkey piss. Plus, it's from Scotland and is generally considered to be a highly respected and distinguishable liquor. The problem with scotch is that you either hate it or love it (think anal sex). That's just too risky for any booze.
Final Tally: Taste: 5/10, Value: 7/10, Mixability: 5/10. Final: 17/30.

Contestant #3: Canadian Whiskey
Popular Brands: Canadian Club, Crown Royal, Seagrams, Wiser's.
Pro's: Canadian whiskey costs nothing and tastes great while mixing. There's tons of variety, unlike the Canadian people. It tastes a little more sweet and sugary than most other whiskeys, making it much easier to take down than, say, Jack Daniels or Johnnie Walker. Like I said, it's much lighter than other whiskeys, probably because Canada can't hold their booze. (A collective "EHHHHHHHH?" just came from up north)
Con's: It's made in Canada. It's kind of like a girls whiskey. And, regardless of it's mixability, it's pretty cheap stuff. It's got flavor, but probably too much sweetness for a whiskey. It almost taste like syrup. Which is fitting, but most people don't like drinking alcoholic syrup unless their alcoholics or Canadians. It doesn't cost much for a reason, it's just kind of there. Exactly like Canada.
Final Tally: Taste: 6/10, Value: 7/10, Mixability: 10/10. Final: 23/30.

Contestant #4: American Whiskey
Popular Brands: Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Wild Turkey, Evan Williams, Maker's Mark.
Pro's: American whiskeys are quite the treat for the pallate. Perhaps a little rougher than it's previous counterparts, it packs a punch like nobody else on this list. Although that's not always a good thing, that roughness your tasting is corn and rye, both healthy ingredients in an extremely unhealthy drink (think: mix everclear with light cranberry juice). American whiskeys are the way to go if you want to really taste the whiskey. Where most other spirits lack (including all the ghosts from "A Christmas Carol"), American whiskey trumps the competition in terms of "helping you get really fucked up, really fast." Whoever doesn't like that motto, well, they haven't lived.
Con's: The pro's are also it's con's. It's not always a good thing to get punched in the mouth by a drink. Or a person for that matter. This type of homegrown goodness often leads to violent outbursts and extreme regurgitation. Or, in layman's terms, fighting and puking. American whiskey is also surprisingly expensive. Surprising in the sense that, usually domestic products are cheaper. Like Corona's cheap in Mexico, yet expensive here. Tone it down Jack, Jim, and Mark. We need cheap booze, especially in this recession.
Final Tally: Taste: 10/10, Value: 6/10, Mixability: 8/10. Final: 24/30.

Final Totals:
WINNER: Irish Whiskey, 25/30
RUNNER-UP: American Whiskey, 24/30
BRONZE: Canadian Whiskey, 23/30
LAST: Scotch Whiskey, 17/30

(I'm pretty sure you saw that coming)

Congrats to Irish Whiskey, the winner of the Battle of the Booze, Whiskey Edition!

Well, I sure hoped you enjoyed my expose on whiskey and all it's trait. Congratulations to the winner, even though your prize is to be processed by my liver, which isn't much of a prize at all, actually. To be fair, you had it coming. You know, with all those dirty looks from across the bar? You were just asking to destroy a part of my liver. Well, enough of the dirty talk. I know you have better things to do than listen to me flirt with whiskey. So I'll leave you to it. Have a wonderful week and enjoy some of our winner's glory. You (and he) deserve it! In honor of the Irish, here's the most common Irish drinking toast: Slainte!