7 Where's the Beef?
Challenge: Eat a 120 ounce steak in under an hour
Where it's Done: Gregory's Steakhouse Restaurant in Allentown, PA
Just...Why? This is, undoubtably, the largest steak in America. With no regard for the fact that humans like to live, Gregory's offers up this little ditty for $64. I couldn't find a prize, or if anyone has even attempted it, but no matter. It's physically impossible to eat a 120 ounce ribeye and only Andy Reid would even try and down it. I know Pennsylvania was never known for it's intelligence or creativity (see: Philadelphians) but the least you could do is make the challenge possible. In addition to this horrible, makes-me-think-of-Orson-Wells-idea, they also have all you can eat 12-oz steak nights, all you can eat ribs days, and what every guy loves: large portions of Valentines Day food. Because remember: Valentine's Day isn't only to increase your debt, it's to increase your woman's weight! It's only redeeming quality: happy hour is two hours. Well, you sold me.
New Motto: "Gregory's: Throw out the bikini and come on down!"
Here is the 120 oz. steak in all it's....sexyness?
6. Hold the Syrup--Over the Pancake!
Challenge: Eat a 6 lb. pancake in 20 minutes.
Where It's Done: The Steamboat Cafe in my favorite former stopover--Hannibal, Missouri! (Exclamation point included to increase sarcasm)
Just...Why? Since Mark Twain's hometown is still catching on to the internet, Steamboat Cafe doesn't have a website for me to find out if anyone actually has completed the challenge. You do get the thing for free if you beat the challenge, but there really are no winners here. Take it from someone who's been to Hannibal: they need stuff like this for fun in Hannibal and this doesn't surprise me at all. I'll go even as far as to say they get someone to finish it every weekend. Which will induce cringes all over the blogosphere when you see the picture. With the pancake, you get an entire stick of butter and an entire bottle of syrup. Other things you get if you try the challenge: high cholesterol, 4.5 pounds, massive indigestion, and clogged arteries. What I think: this is just initiation to become a citizen of Missouri. Ever been there? Then you know what I be talkin' bout.
New Motto: "Mark Twain called the owner's great (times 5)-uncle he was fat! Eat here!"
The 6 lb. Pancake. OK, nobody's finished that:
5. I Scream, You Cream, We All Scream "Call 911!"
Challenge: Drink a 6 lb. Milkshake
Where It's Done: Chick and Ruth's Delly in Annapolis, MD.
Just...Why? This challenge I don't mind as much. It gets alot of military types in there and seems like people like to pop the question there. Plus, I really like milkshakes. People only try this challenge in groups and all you get is "pride" and your picture on the wall. Seems like only a select few have actually finished the milkshake and they, thankfully, needed a group to get it done. Besides, formerly being a huge pothead, this sounds like a perfect place to go after a nice wake 'n bake session. And they serve it all, all day. Unfortunately, Annapolis is a city occupied only by the Navy, which means living there would force me to fear any bar that I walked into was a "alternative lifestyle" bar. You know, a Navy bar. All kidding (read: seriousness) aside, any guy named Chick has parents with a terribly, terribly cruel sense of humor or spite.
New Motto: "Our milkshakes will make the boys stay away from the yard!"
The "Colossal" Milkshake. Colossal is an underused word. Like resplendent or panglossian. (Don't know what it is? You are a vocabulariarly inferior to me.)
It's Rather Big. (That's what she said!)
4. Frozen with Fear
Challenge: Eat 21 scoops (almost 7 lbs) of ice cream w/ whipped cream, nuts, and a cherry, the healthiest thing on the menu.
Where It's Done: Brown Cow Ice Cream Parlor in Forest Park, IL
Just...Why? Because they bet you can't do it, that's why! There is little rhyme or reason to actually eating 21 scoops of ice cream. The only way I'd do this challenge is if the whipped cream was covering up Jessica Alba and the cherry was her...well, you get the idea (a GREAT idea). (Be back in 13 minutes) OK, back. I would be happier if the website posted anyone that has actually tried this, yet finished it. I'm pretty sure that eating this would help exceed your daily fat content tenfold. If that's the kind of thing your into, go for it (you might also want to check out sadomasochism). There really are times when I think that there are people that want you to get fat or acquire diabetes, as long as you get it from them. Then again, there are times where I think that I'm destined to do something great. And I'm only right half the time. Fuck you, subconscious.
New Motto: "We'll make you look like our namesake!"
Here's a look at it. It looks good now...just wait til you get 8 scoops in (whiskey looks good before 13 shots, too).
3. Ever Seen a Cow and Pig Breed?
Challenge: Eat a 9 lb burger topped with 3 fried eggs, 6 strips bacon, an entire tomato, half head of lettuce, cheese, and a side of fries. I'm assuming you get as much time as you need. At least, I hope.
Where It's Done: At Mrs. Riches Dinner Club Cafe in Vancouver Island, British Columbia (that's Canada and about as far west as you can go). I'd like to ask a question: is Canada relevant? Discuss.
Just...Why? This fine Canadian hotspot doesn't have a website, so I'll have to go with sarcasm and pop culture references. Ever seen the South Park movie where they invade Canada? Well, I'm assuming eating this burger makes Canadians feel like one of those soldiers in Saving Private Ryan with their guys spilled out on Omaha Beach. But seriously, it just seems like this burger is trying to kill you. It has to be worse for you than alcohol poisoning. There's like breakfast, dinner, and a salad on this sandwich. You'd have to be as retarded Sean Penn in I Am Sam to try this one (never go full retard). I feel like watching someone eat this would be like watching that scene in Requiem for a Dream where Jennifer Conolly is doing the ass-to-ass scene at the end with a bunch of old men watching on repeat. There. I made enough pop culture references to make the writers of Disaster Movie cringe.
New Motto: "Howie Mandel once ate here!"
Here's a Canadian looking guy or girl sporting the MONSTER BURGER (cue creepy music--for the Canadian looking....person)
2. Mmm...Sexual and Disgusting! Like Tila Tequila's Reality Show!
Challenge: Eat 72 ounces of Bangers and Mash (Sausages and Mashed Potatoes. That means "Bangers" are "Sausages." British people have a strange sense of humor) in under an hour, and IT'S FREE!
Where It's Done: The Brewhouse Cafe in Atlanta, GA
Just...Why? First off, Bangers and Mash is a very popular dish in England and The Brewhouse is an international sports bar. Nobody has won the challenge and with good reason: an average polish sausage is about 8 ounces. So the dish is probably about 5 sausages and the rest mashers. Besides the obvious sexual connotations that the dish gives off, you can imagine the amount of discomfort someone would be in if they actually finished this monstrosity. One would have to be panglossian to think they would get away with this unscathed, and yes that sentence was only written so I could use that word. Maybe not enough people are attempting it (the name, perhaps?) or maybe (read: definitely) people don't like the dish. English food sucks. Trust me, I've been there. And, despite my anorexic like stature, I know food. When food puts you in the bathroom for half the day and makes you feel like the chick from The Exorcist the other half, you shouldn't ever eat it again. I'd have a threesome with Oprah and Rosie O'Donnell before attempting this. (hey, maybe it isn't that bad. Usually the ugly ones try harder. At least, that's what I hear. All the people I've had sex with are beautiful!) As my lovely girlfriend, who reads this blog, would know, I hate all things British. And this challenge is no exception.
New Motto: "If you have enough beer here, there will be plenty of bangers waiting for ya!"
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on if you're fat or not), I couldn't find a picture of the delectable treat. so instead I'll show you a picture of me drunk:
1. Words Cannot Describe How Dead You'll Be
Challenge: Remember, when you're reading this, that I am in no way joking. It is a sandwich with two rolls, four cheeseburgers, a double cheesesteak, a chicken cheesesteak, gyro meat, grilled chicken, bacon, sausage, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, mac n cheese bites, and fried mushrooms. And you have 15 minute to finish it to get a t-shirt and a casket. Just kidding. Your family pays for the casket.
Where It's Done: Fat Sandwich Co. in Champaign, IL and Norman, OK.
Just...Why? This sandwich separates the men from the clinically retarded. There is just no explanation someone could give me for ordering this sandwich that I wouldn't say "Uhhhh..." to. Four cheeseburgers? Mixed with chicken nuggets and fingers? This sounds like a week worth of eating, or at least two days in John Goodman's house. I don't know how such a mix was ever invented or could ever taste good but it sounds like a bunch of stoners got together and made a sandwich when they were blitzed higher than John Belushi at a staff Christmas party. The real kicker is that you only get 15 minutes to finish it all. It takes me longer than that to eat my so-called "wimpy" dinner, yet someone's eating a "I Really Don't Want to Ever Get Laid Again" Sandwich. I don't think if you gave Kobayashi 15 minutes to finish that he would. Since the sandwich costs $25, why don't you just go get 4 burrito's from Chipolte for the same price and much better taste? Or 4 value meals from McDonalds or Burger King? Or an 18 piece chicken from KFC? For Gods sakes, this isn't even a sandwich. This is Lucifer in between a bun with mozzarella sticks (those are actually pretty heavenly). At least the restaurant isn't lying about what the sandwich is going to do to you. It's like that fat girl that will always love and be honest with you who's still somehow worse than the skinnier blonde who treats you like shit and lies about drinking your last juice box. Fuck off, juice boxes kick ass.
New Motto: "Who needs Dr. Kevorkian? We charge less and taste better!"
There were no pictures for the "Big Fat Ugly" off the website or on Google images, which gave me images far more disturbing than the sandwich.
Instead, you get Neil Patrick Harris on a unicorn. Oh HAPPY DAY!
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