Gamblin' With Rubels

If you are reading this blog, then there's no doubt that you have gambled heavily before. It could have been $400 on a game of in-between-the-sheets or $100 on a woman's basketball game. It doesn't really matter. The point is, you've felt the thrill or despair or seeing an immense amount of money change hands. There are other things to gamble with than just money, though. There's food, violence, sex, or a simple act of stupidity that can be used as a prop in a bet. That's what makes gambling so great: it has no limits. I mean, I once bet on whether or not the Cubs or Cards would be in first at the end of April to wear a Cards shirt or have someone wear a Cubs shirt. Does it matter that I lost by half a game and Kerry Wood blew a 2-run save on the last day? Well, of course. But I got laid, so it's all good. Anyways, there's not much more that you can gamble with than your life. For instance, Russian Roulette. A game with deadly or sexy-awesome consequences, depending on whether or not you lose. So let's explore Russian Roulette, at least in it's fictionalized form (real Russian Roulette isn't allowed on YouTube. I know, gay). So here are the 6 Greatest Russian Roulette Games in Movie History. Let's cock it and rock it.

6. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
The Match Up: Robert Downey Jr.'s Harry Lockhart against Rockmund Dunbar's Mr. Fire.
Used For: The game is used as a interrogation technique to get RDJ's prisoner to talk. Unfortunately, for Rockmund, RDJ doesn't really know the rules. Or doesn't follow them. I don't know, I think Downey was still in his "to rehab and back" phase.
The Result: RDJ loads one round into his Magnum and spins the barrel not once, but twice. Then, before his prisoner can even answer, RDJ fires a round into that big black man's head like it ain't a thing. Because you know what? It isn't. Even the always mellow Val Kilmer can't believe that Downey doesn't know the rules of interrogation. For instance, you need to be alive to answer a question. After Kilmer zoned in on his Sherpa like qualities, the gay character he plays (or is, you decide) and Downey high-tail out of there like Usain Bolt running from the cops. What? I didn't just say that because he's black. I'm just saying, the cops could never catch him. Unless they shot him. But that doesn't seem fair.
If you haven't seen Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, please do. It is one of the top 5 underrated movies of the 00's. Here's the clip of RDJ, Val, and Mr Fire playing the always-fun game. It's in Russian, but that seems fitting rather than annoying:


5. Arizona Dream (1993)
The Match Up: Johnny Depp's Axel Blackmar against Paulina Porizkova's Grace. Axel vs. Grace. Not exactly top billing at Wrestlemania.
Used For: Both are depressed and don't have the guts to end each other's misery, so they did whatever any young adults do when they get down: play "suicide or no suicide."
The Result: Luckily (well, not for the audience), neither character has the gun discharge during the game. Johnny Depp does cheat by shooting the gun three times in a row, but still, the bastard is luckier than a hobo finding a winning lottery ticket. Even though they shoot 4 of the 6 possible chambers out, not one of them contained the fateful bullet. What's odd about the scene is that Johnny Depp comes in with the gun and it's the girl's idea to play. Who SUGGESTS they play Russian Roulette? And she does it like it's nothing, making JD look like a little man bitch when it comes to his turn and he nearly punks out. The real kicker: they have sex immediately after. Am I missing something? How are their lives not exciting and awesome? They gamble with their lives then fuck like their lives depended on it. Could you even IMAGINE the rush you'd get after surviving Russian Roulette? It'd be like pitching a no-hitter for the Cubs in Game 7 of the World Series at Wrigley against the Yankees and only up 1-0. Or taking the walk of shame out of Jessica Alba's house with her husband just getting back home with their kid. Or finding White Castle after all those adventures. Ahhh. Makes me want it to be April so I can get a few sliders, watch the Cubs, and check out the latest issue of Maxim.
The scene is strange. That's really all I can say.


4. Leon (1994)
The Match Up: A very young Natalie Portman (too young to even make a sex joke about) against a very French, robust Jean Reno as hitman Leon. He's a professional.
Used For: Natalie Portman is trying to provoke, Leon, a hitman, to admit he loves her (not platonically either. dude, she's like 12, he'd tear her up. oops, there goes the sex joke). Thank God he doesn't, that would just be too R. Kelly for this movie.
The Result: Leon, seeing that the young Padme was serious, and that he needed to preserve the force, smacked the gun away right as she pulled the trigger and it discharged. What would have done without that terribly sexy Jewish actress that has made classics like The Other Boyeln Girl and My Blueberry Nights> (Just kidding, I love NP). But what was ol' Nat thinking? She even asks Jean Reno to be her first, which is like turning 21 and going out drinking with your Grandma (although mine probably would have drank me under the table). Jean Reno is being nice to enough to look after you since your parents died, not to mention teaching you, a 12 year old, how to effectively kill people and get away with it. What do you do? Put a gun to your head and threaten to shoot yourself because he won't destroy your woman parts? Grow up, Evey. I like you better when you grow up and shave your head (not gonna lie: Natty is still hot with the shaved head, I don't care if she looks like a concentration camp victim. Also, would that be taking role playing too far? Jewish concentration camp inmate with commanding German guard? Do tell).
I was 8 at the time of this movie. IF you were so desperate, I would have gone through puberty in 6.7 seconds and been more ready than a pedofile at Disney World.


3. 13 Tzameti (2005)
The Match Up: 13 different men against each other...at the same time. Now THAT'S Entertainment!
Used For: The 13 men are part of a deadly gambling event organized by deadly gamblers who bet on who will survive, with the winner get an immense amount of money, while the others make like G-Baby in Hardball.
The Result: Well, someone, the main character stole the invitation from his dying neighbor, so that's what you get for stealing kids! But anyways, he gets in the game but ends up winning, walking away with almost a million Euro's for surviving 4 rounds of Russian Roulette, even though they add a bullet every round. This guy must be luckier than a leprechaun shitting rabbit's feet. I was going to put this number one until I realized I'd never heard of it and, while the execution of the scene is great, it doesn't stack up to the top two. This guy could walk into any bar, anywhere and just go up to a group of 5 nineteen year old blonde sorority girls and be like "Excuse me ladies, I just won a million dollars in a russian roulette game and figured, hey, if I can shoot a loaded gun at my head 4 times in a row and win money for it, why can't I buy 5 pretty girls a round of whatever they wanted while I decide what to do with my money." Twelve hours later, he'd have 500,000 Euros left with an empty pack of Trojan's and an STD. Ahhhhh, to dream.
I haven't seen the movie, but I suspect if they added the last part of my rant, I'd probably Netflix that quicker than you could say "free carl lee".


2. 187 (1997)
The Match Up: Samuel L. Jackson as Samuel L. Jackson against Clifton Collins, Jr. as Cesar Sanchez. Nothing like a cliche Hispanic name for a guy who has a strangely coincidenced white hick name.
Used For: Cesar is a disgruntled inner city student who wants to do the right thing and pin his friends' murder on his teacher, SLJ. They play the game of Russian Roulette for honor, but mainly to give SLJ to prove a point and scream it. LOUDLY.
The Result: For a guy who plays a badass in most of his movies, Samuel sure does die alot. But not without honor. See, during the game, SLJ takes his shot but then gets so mad, he takes Cesar's shot as well, which actually kills him. Hard. Cesar, having some stupid feeling of pride or something to proveness, decided to take the next shot to make up for it, which actually kills him. What both of them don't realize is that, they both would have died anyway, just in reverse order. So SLJ proves his point but also proves the gangbanger's point: you can get what you want, as long as you use a gun. It is a rather intense scene, though, and is a very powerful ending that makes you wonder: where would Samuel Jackson rank on "The Last People I'd Play Russian Roulette With" list? Besides our numero uno lister and Eastwood, he might be 3. You can't lie, the scene is rather great, even if it is in a mediocre movie that seems like a rip-off of Dangerous Minds. Except a fierce black man instead of a hot blonde white woman.


1. The Deer Hunter (1978)
You were expecting something else?
The Match Up: Christopher Walken and De Niro against the Vietcong and once more with Christopher Walken against De Niro
Used For: Gambling and psychoticness. What? Have you SEEN Walken in this movie?
The Result: Well, for those of you that haven't seen the movie (why the hell not?), this IS the most intense prisoner of war re-enactments ever caught on cinema. In the first scene, DeNiro, Walken, and one other are forced to play the game by the Vietcong as they gamble on it. Although no one dies, it leaves Walken severely psychologically damaged upon his return to America, which would explain his subsequent movies. Later on, toward the end, Walken's character is playing others for money and is so out of it, barely recognizes DeNiro and the rest of his friends. So DeNiro challenges Walken and, in the end, Walken ends up killing himself after a moment of self-realization. The two scenes embody the experience of the American soldier in Vietnam and in their return, which is why there are so many homeless and disabled veterans. You can't expect to expect to enter a forest and out navigate a clever fox, which was what the Americans had trouble dealing with throughout Vietnam. Throughout all my sarcastic comments and stylized rants with sexy adjectives, I can honestly say that, without a doubt, Chris Walken's performance may be one of the greatest supporting performances of all time, if not the numero uno. I mean, come on, the guy had a watch stuck up his ass for years, while inventing a remote control that controls reality and organizing a deadly ping pong tournament with horrible actors. What a role.
Here are both scenes, and DeNiro insisted they used a real bullet in the chamber to make the fear real. I miss that kind of DeNiro.




Well, gents and women, I hope you enjoyed this deadly version of the blog. It was rather sexy and disturbing if I do say so myself. It just goes to show you that, if you got any in the chambers, don't blow them out too soon. If you do, it might be the last time you ever participate in such an activity. And yes, we are talking about both Russian Roulette and sex. Or, more specifically, premature ejaculation. It has been a prolific blogging year so far here at the center of all that is good. I wonder how long I can keep it up. Hopefully another 15-20. Months or Years, you perv. Well, what can I say? I do encourage offshoot thinking here at the blog rather often. I guess I'll just have to end on that and bid you personas adieu. I'll send you off with Kevin Bacon punk'n people. No lie. Faux de fa and aur revoir!