When the Judge and Jury are the Executioner

Nowadays, capital punishment, where it still exists, is (in some places, at least) much more civil and organized than it was back in the day. Since human rights groups go ape shit over every capital punishment, many states and European countries have abolished the death penalty altogether. Not to worry, we aren't here to get into a debate over capital punishment, as that would be too ordinary for a blog such as this. In today's capital punishment world, there's basically two choices of execution: lethal injection or the chair. Unless your in China, there's not much to "choose" from anymore. So let's go back a-ways, to where and when there were better options if you were going to get killed by the state. These are the 7 Most Painful Forms of Execution Used in the Past. These will be especially cringe-worthy, a different sort of cringe-worthy, though, than the current season of "Entourage." Ugh, that's like a whole different kind of capital punishment.
[I was going to add pictures to go with the descriptions, but out of respect for those that were killed, and because my blog is not the script for "Saw VI", I decided not to. All are readily available on a google image search, but I advise against it.]

7. Breaking Wheel
When Used? Started in Ancient Greece and was popular all the way through the French Revolution
Description: The perp is tied to a wheel, with their arms in legs placed between two spokes. They are then spun around and hit by a club in these limbs, breaking numerous bones. In essence, they are cudgeled to death, which is a pretty painful word yet way to die. What makes this method so painful is that, it's basically like having your limbs tied down to make you into an "X" across, with your limbs still supporting your body weight. Then imagine having all these limbs broken in numerous places, yet still supporting your body weight. Or, imagine doing the reverse cowgirl with Roseanne. If you actually imagined that, I apologize for the loss of your sex drive.
How Long to Die? Occasionally, a merciful crowd would allow the executioner to give a "blow of mercy," that would cause death much sooner. Without that blow, it would take multiple hours, occasionally up to a day or two, before the victim would die of shock and dehydration.

6. Boiling
When Used? All the way from the late 12th century up until the 17th century, although it has been used sparingly after that.
Description: Well, there's not much to describe. It's like making coffee, except there's a person in there. Other liquids were used, such as oil, tar, and, if the executioner was having a shitty day, molten lead. Which presumably would make you look like Han Solo in carbonate. The victim was usually thrown in head first to speed up the process and death would eventually be by "frying." And you wonder where they got the idea for KFC? Although it was an older form of punishment, crazy motherfuckers Idi Amin (he of Forest Whitaker's "The Last King of Scotland") of Uganda and Islmov Karimov (he of Central Asia's most torturous country, Uzbekistan) have been accused of using boiling as a form of torture. Amin was also accused of cannibalism. I'll end there.
How Long to Die? Put a pot of water to a flame, wait til boil, cook for 15-30 minutes, depending on how cruel you are, and wah-la!

5. Ling Chi
When Used? Was used in China from the 10th Century until it was abolished in 1909. The Chinese plan to hold a rally for 1,000 lucky girls to celebrate the "100 Year Anniversary of Ling Chi" next year.
Description: Also known as "slow cutting," Lingchi was reserved for the worst offenders back in China. The offender was tied to a wooden frame. While tied down, pieces of flesh would be slowly cut away from his body from all different areas. To make sure the offender stayed conscious, opium was administered to dull the pain. Then, the body would be dismembered by cutting off the limbs, then death would be administered by a stab to the heart or a effective cutting off of the head. The Western world extremely exaggerated the process of Lindchi, calling it "death by a thousand cuts." In fact, there was probably less than 10 cuts. But that would be the LAST time the Western World would exaggerate anything about a different culture. Ever.
How Long to Die? Although some Westerners thought the process took hours upon end, it actually took no more than 15-20 minutes, sometimes shorter. Most of the damage took place after the perp was no longer alive, making it much more moral.

4. Necklacing
When Used? Mostly during apartheid during the 1980's and 90's in South Africa, but it has occurred ever since then, just not sanctioned by....anyone.
Description: While there may be more painful ways to die on our countdown, necklacing wins my award for creativity. Take a rubber tire, fill it with gasoline, put the tire on the person you are lynching, and set it on fire. Pain ensues. After the flame burnt through the rubber, every inch of your body would be consumed with fire. The only saving grace you have is that the pain probably wouldn't last for very long. The tire would essentially "blow up" on you. Kevin Carter, a Pulitzer Prize winning award South African photographer, captured a few of these killings on camera and won himself a Pulitzer. Carter was so overcome with depression over these killings that he eventually took his own life. So you can assume they were rather brutal.
How Long to Die? About as long as a body could take a barrage of gasoline covered flames. (note: not very long)

3. Scaphism
When Used? Used in the ancient times before "BC" turned into "AD", in modern day Persia. Or Iran, where "T&A is offensive as Drew Gooden's beard!" "The Johnny"
Description: Oh, those Iranians. They sure knew how to make people suffer! In the old country, the offender would be tied with rowboats on his back. (Imagine it like an "H" with the person being the middle line) One of the boats would surely be placed under the offender's backside. Why? Oh, I'm getting there. Then, he was fed honey and milk until they developed a severe case of diarrhea. Then, honey was spread all over the offenders body to attract insects. After that, they were put out to sea. The poop collected in the boat, attracting ever more insects. The offenders flesh would be exposed and the insects would eat or breed within the exposed flesh. The lucky ones developed gangreene. If you call that lucky, which I most certainly do not. (If you DO call that lucky, you sir are offensive) Presumably, when you finally die, you look like the guy from the third "Indiana Jones" who picked the wrong chalice. (That's 2 straight blogs with Indiana Jones references! Let's see how long I can keep that up)
How Long to Die? Well, you can imagine it would be a very long time. Since the offenders were often re-fed, many lasted for up to two weeks or longer before finally expiring like milk in my old apartment's fridge.

2. Sawing
When Used? Biblical times during the Roman Empire, but also occurred in Asia and the Middle East.
Description: Not to be confused with the never ending horror franchise, sawing was a awfully painful way to go. The condemned were hung upside down, spreadeagled. You know that region between your backside and your frontside private areas? Well, starting there, you would be sawed in half. However, if you were in Asia, you'd be standing up, which had to be preferable. What really sucks about this method (for the victim, not the people watching. In fact, this would be the best part for people watching) is that, since you are hanging upside down, there is a continuous blood supply to your brain so that you stay conscious for much longer and feel much more pain. To no surprise, Roman Emperor Caligula absolutely adored this method of torture. Then again, Caligula prostituted his sisters and tried to make his horse a priest. So this was like foreplay.
How Long to Die? The victim would obviously be experiencing an immense amount of pain during this entire process and would probably live until a few moments after important (read: necessary for life) veins were cut in the abdomen (the stomach, for you laymen and retarded people). You could say that these victims were dis-membered (think about it....wait for it...OK! let's move on)

1. Hanging, Drawing, and Quartering
When Used? Was used in England for high treason (not to be confused with sober treason) from 1251 until it was abolished in 1870.
Description: You must figure that, number one on this list, this must be fucked up. Well, you're right. This is all one punishment, not three separate ones. To start off, the offender is dragged on a wooden board to the place where this freak show was happening. Then, the offender was hanged until right before he was dead, but barely conscious. OK, that sounds fair. After that, the executioner laid him back on the wooden board and chopped off his manhood like Emeril on an carrot. Then, the merciful man cuts the man open and removes his bowels, then proceeds to set the man's penis and internal organs on fire, while the penis and organs are outside the man's body and the man is still alive. Because that wasn't enough for English people (when is it ever enough for the English?), the man's arms, legs, and head were all cut off and since that's STILL not enough, all the limbs including the head were put on public display. The most famous case may have been William Wallace, he of Mel Gibson's non-Jew hating masterpiece Braveheart.
How Long to Die? I'd imagine it couldn't take all that long, seeing as the blood loss, the almost broken neck, and the lack of a penis. Guy Fawkes, he of V for Vendetta fame, was the smartest man to ever be sentenced to this punishment. He jumped off the gallows to ensure his neck would be broken immediately and avoid the entire punishment. Anyone who commits treason against Britain is fine by me. Unless it would somehow hurt Kate Beckinsale. Then you better make it up to me with some good-ass porn.

Hopefully this satisfied your quench for a blog. I can only do so much work on this thing. I'll try and get another one up before this weekend, as the girlfriend is coming to town and there probably will be a severe lack of blogging goodness. Remember though kiddies, torture isn't funny unless you're being tickled by Gisele Bündchen. THEN it's funny. Fuck you, Tom Brady. Sampai Jumpa, everyone else!