I'm Drawn To You

Everybody loves pretty things. Except goth kids and anarchists, but who cares about them? Not me, that's who. But I digress. Pretty things are great to look at, especially when they complete the simple, yet horrifying task of turning you on. Then you have those people who find art beautiful. Then you have nerds who think pretty things in art are beautiful. Sexy, even. I, Michael Dolan, am one of those nerds. And that's why I've decided to enlighten (correction: weird you out) you with the 7 Sexiest Foreign-Born Comic Book Characters I didn't even get the idea from the comic-book obsessed Cracked.com, which makes you wonder: what goes through someone's brain to make them think of something like this? I'll tell you: sleeping pills, tequila, and anime. At the same time.


7. Cutey Honey

Country of Origin: Where else? In a numerous amount of different media in Japan, the kings of animation (but not hotness).
Powers: Cutey Honey, by screaming "Honey Flash!", can turn into any persona of herself she wants. In other words, if she wants to be a nurse she just shouts "Honey Flash!" and she's herself if she was a nurse. She also has superhuman strength and her sword projects a beam of energy. Also, when she's changing persona's, her clothes come off, which projects most men's (uhh...in the comic book, that is) "beams" of energy. See what I did there? I'm thinking she only dates guys who are really kinky and have lots of fantasies. I mean, think about it: you'd be having sex with the same person, yet she's a different person, every time. Also, we need to move on because I'm thinking about this way too much for me to be comfortable with myself.


6. Lilith

Country of Origin: Wait until you get this: she's from Israel. She's a Jewish superhero. Now THAT you can't make up.
Powers: Little is known about Lilith since reading Hebrew gives people headaches and Mad Cow disease. All that's known is that she helps The Golem fight crime with her super strength given to her in experiments when she was young. Her official title is "Lilith, Protector of the Jewish People." Which means shes a banker. (I love Jewish humor, BTW) She also has big cans and wears very little to cover them up (I love Jewish boobs too, BTW). Her enemies include: Nazis, Palestinians, and T-shirts. My kind of girl (except for the Jewish part).

5. Infama

Country of Origin: Not surprisingly, the Canadians have to draw their hot people. Except for Nelly Furtado, she' alright. (I actually had to look up "hot Canadians" to find one. Ahh, the hot Canadian, an elusive breed)
Powers: Infama is basically a sorcerer. She has a gem in her throat that allows her to think up anything her little heart desires and make it real, as long as she can concentrate on it. Again, something that could be useful in the bedroom (or wherever else you can imagine with her!). The gem also builds up her physical abilities, such as stamina, flexibility, power, heat generation, soft wet lips, and....I'm going to stop before you stop reading, I'm clearly talking about things she could use during sex. Back to her powers. In the comic, she's naked alot. So is her arch-enemy (Infama is the villain) Sinnamon, who is also way hot (for a comic book character, I have to keep saying it so I might believe it). But we'll see her later. I mean, you just got love the boots that span half her leg and the leather that (presumably) covers her up. Other than that, she can work her magic on me anytime.

4. Sinnamon

Country of Origin: Canada, which is surprisingly pretty slutty. Need me a trip to Toronto.
Powers: Besides being a professional superhero, Sinnamon is practically wearing no clothes. I've seen porn where people had more clothes on. Besides that, she can fly, has super-strength, and uses "force blasts" as her main weapon, which I'm sure has to do with sex in some way. She often fights against our previous super-villian/fake hottie, Infama. One of her other "special" powers is invulnerability. Now, I'm not quite sure what that means, but I'm thinking it means she nothing can get into her body at all. Which is a shame, because she looks very horny. Little else is known about Sinnamon, except what she looks like naked. (see: very nice)

3. Velta

Country of Origin: I will present you with this argument: Brazil has the hottest women per capita, real or otherwise.
Powers: Ms. Velta here can transform into a 7 foot Amazonian woman, which doesn't SOUND that hot, but you aren't me and everybody's different damnit. Besides that, her skin is resistant to heat, she can heal instantly (kind of like that other blonde chick from "Heroes"), and is completely immune to disease. That's not the best thing about this sex P.I., oh no. Velta can fire blasts of light, electricity, or other forces out of any part of her body. Oh yes, you know what I'm thinking. Or DO you? (yeah, you do) Be careful though, boys. She's not in the game for justice, she's in it for pure excitement and money. So, I'm not saying she's a gold digger....but she ain't hanging with no broke espanolas (cue Jaime Foxx's high pitched lyrics). Superhero Velta does have a boyfriend named Gilberto in the comics but....well, it only takes a few Cuba Libres and a shot of tequila to get her out of that. (Brazilians are slutty)

2. Pyre-Anna

Country of Origin: Again, Canada? Really? They have to have some sort of inferiority complex. I just can't think of another reason why they have so many slutty, hot comic book characters. I mean, could they even fight crime like that in Canada? It's fucking freezing up there.
Powers: Wow! Pyre-Anna is smokin'! Besides being a pun waiting to happen, Pyre-Anna can generate heat and fire from her hands, which would be useful in battle, but not if your getting a handjob from her. She also is immune to heat and has razor sharp teeth, making a blowjob from her even more terrifying than a handjob. How did she get these magical powers, you ask (or even if you don't)? By brushing her teeth with tainted toothpaste! Always check the labels, kids! Pyre-Anna is Sinnamon's and an ice sculpter's worst enemy. Throughout all this, even her yellow, jaundiced-like eyes are somehow appealing. The only concern one would have about getting "involved" with her would be being able to tell if you were feeling like you were on fire while engaging in naughty activities or if you were actually, you know, on fire. 'Cause that would burn even more than gonorrhea.

1. Mirza

Country of Origin: What's in the water down there in Brazil? Not fish, because over-fishing is one of the biggest problems they have down there! [citation needed]
Powers: Mirza here is a vampire (or is it vampiress?) of ultra-hot proportions. She is also a top-model and a member of high-society. In the comic book. She's an immigrant from what sounds like a Russian or like country, born in the 7th century. Imagine the experience! In vampiring, I mean. She's had to pick up all SORTS of tricks throughout her years. Maybe it's just me (it definitely is), but the thought of her moving in on your neck, not knowing if she's going to kiss you or suck your blood....that's hot. All she does in Brazil is seducing men, women, and whoever (whomever? when do you use whomever? is that actually even a word?) crosses her ultra-hot path. I'm actually not quite sure what the comic book is about. This sounds like a porn that tries to have a clever plot. Whatever, its fine with me. It's probably just my opinion on this, but there is NOTHING hotter than a hot vampire. And if you get bitten and transformed into a vampire? Well, my friends, that's just more time you get to have blood-thirsty sex with Mirza. An ETERNITY! Why don't I live in Brazil again, Subconcious of Self? "Because she's fake and if you moved to Brazil you'd be mugged, killed, and raped, in that order, within a month."
Oh, yeah.

Well, I bet you guys weren't expecting that for a topic! Don't ask me how I came up with this idea or what is wrong with my brain for continually mentioning having sex with comic book characters throughout this blog. Truth is, I don't know. But I've got as good a chance of having sex with one of these characters as I do with Nastia Liukin. Which is .001%, if that. (Cue Jim Carrey: "So your saying there's a chance!") Anyways, I've had enough comics and blogging for today. So let's go out on a Brazilian saying "aqui está comediante canadense Jon Lajoie!"

The 2009 Oscar Predix

You know it. You love it. It needs no introduction. (Well, except for this little thing) These are the 2009 Oscar Predictions. Get ready. For the noise.

Best Supporting Actress
The Favorites: In a relatively weak category every year, its more of the same this year. My favs are Penelope Cruz for Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona and Viola Davis for the stage-to-screen adaptation of Doubt (its about a priest pedo!).
In the Middle of the Pack: Marisa Tomei (yeah, she's still alive) is getting pretty good reviews for Darren Aronofsky's (Requiem for a Dream) "The Wrestler." Also big-woman extrordinaire Kathy Bates (if she gets any screen time) in Kate and Leo's reunion in "Revolutionary Road."
Upset Special: I don't know but I hear good things from Vera Farminga in "Nothing but the Truth" and ("Yup, She's Alive!" Alert!) Kim Basinger for The Burning Plain, two films I know nothing about.
The Nom's: Penelope Cruz (Vicky Cristina Barcelona), Viola Davis (Doubt), Marisa Tomei (The Wrestler), Vera Farmina (Nothing But the Truth), Kathy Bates (Revolutionary Road)
The Winner: From what I hear about the play, the few scenes Davis has in "Doubt" should win her the trophy. Viola Davis, for the win.

Best Supporting Actor
The Favorites: Well, obviously there's Heath Ledger for TDK who is more of a lock than Brinks Home Security. Martin Sheen in another stage-to-screen adaptation "Frost/Nixon" should get a nom, as it's a pretty baity role and he got snubbed for playing Tony Blair in "The Queen."
In the Middle of the Pack: For one, you have Josh Brolin for the Sean Penn Show "Milk" about the first gay senator to get elected. Then you got John Malkovich in the Angelina Jolie Show "Changeling" which you've probably heard about. Not on the list? Zac Efron for High School Musical 3. Who will hopefully be dead by the time this is published.
Upset Special: After last year's god-awful snub for "Into the Wild" watch out for Emilie (is it pronounced Emily or Eh-meal?). Also be careful to watch out for either Liev Schreiber or Jamie Bell in the "I'm really excited to see and it better not suck" film "Defiance".
The Nom's: Heath Ledger (TDK), Martin Sheen (Frost/Nixon), John Malkovich (Changeling), Josh Brolin (Milk), Jamie Bell (Defiance)
The Winner: Let's be honest, the other four should be happy to be nominated. I'd bet my car that Ledger takes this home. Oh, wait. Is buried with it? Too soon?

Best Actress
The Favorites: Angelina Jolie is pretty much a lock for her "The Academy Eats this shit up" role in Eastwood's "Changeling." Meryl Streep in, what looks like a winner, "Doubt" playing a nun? Check. And Kate Winslet with Leo has her "anchor" in "Revolutionary Road"? Yeah, those 3 are in like gin in my tonic.
In the Middle of the Pack: Sally Hawkins is getting good press for "Happy Go Lucky", so she could get a nom if she's....lucky. Also, Disney Princess Anne Hatheway is getting great press from her "addicts win statues" role in "Rachel Getting Married."
Upset Special: I don't see much possibility for one but if I had to pick someone it'd be Vannesa Anne Hudgens for High School Musical 3. Ha, sorry. I was kidding to the highest degree. Emily Blunt is a possibility for "The Young Victoria" but it matters little this year.
The Nom's: Angelina (Changeling), Meryl Streep (Doubt), Kate Winslet (Revolutionary Road), Sally Hawkins (Happy Go Lucky), Anne Hatheway (Rachel Getting Married)
The Winner: I'd say its between Streep and Angelina for the top honors and with Angie's role being more of an academy-friendly role and more of a central character, I'd think they'll give it to Angie.

Best Actor
The Favorites: Sean Penn playing a gay senator in "Milk" = lock. Note: playing an addict, a gay, a retard, or historical figure in a bio-pic increases your chances of getting nominated tenfold. Frank Langella for playing the infamous "Tricky Dick" Nixon in Frost/Nixon. See: note above.
In the Middle of the Pack: Leo DiCaprio for his long awaited reunion with Kate in "Revolutionary Road" will probably pick up a nom. The Academy loves him. I think. Also, I'm really grappling with Aronofsky's "The Wrestler" and its star, Mickey Rourke is getting raves.
Upset Special: Depending on David Fincher's "Benjamin Button", Brad Pitt could sneak in here. Also look out for Phillip Seymour Hoffman for his role as a pedo-priest (read: a priest) in "Doubt". The Academy wants his acting babies.
The Nom's: Sean Penn (Milk), Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon), Leo (Revolutionary Road), Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler), Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt)
The Winner: It really depends on how good The Wrestler really is and how well Langella can pull off Trick Dick. If either are less than spectacular, Sean Penn takes it for "Milk". Go gay for an Oscar. That's so baity Sean.

Best Director
The Favorites: Right now, there's no clear favorites but I'll give you my top 2 at the moment. I think the Academy will be eager to nominate David Fincher for "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and it looks like the film has the star power (Pitt and Blanchett) to get it done. Also, with the subject matter and Penn's star power, Gus Van Sant has a real chance to "Milk" the Oscars for all they are worth.
In the Middle of the Pack: After his snub for "Moulin Rouge" back in the day, "Australia" looks like a film that Baz Luhrmann may get a nom for, as it looks like it was a tough shoot. The Academy loves Clint and they love Ron Howard, so look out for them in "Changeling" and "Frost/Nixon", respectively.
Upset Special: With no lock in this category, there's bound to be a surprise or two. Chris Nolan for The Dark Knight could very easily happen. So could Sam Mendes for "Revolutionary Road" or dare I say a Davidson-like upset for "The Wrestler"'s Darren Aronofsky (here's hoping).
The Nom's: David Fincher (Benjamin Button), Gus Van Sant (Milk), Baz Luhrmann (Australia), Clint Eastwood (Changeling), Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight)
The Winner: I honestly do not have the faintest clue as to who will win this race. I'd love for Chris Nolan to win (at least out of that field) or even David Fincher (he of "Fight Club", "Zodiac", and "Seven"). So I'll go with Fincher because I think, out of those films, "Benjamin Button" has the chance to be the best.

BEST PICTURE
The Favorites: Sean Penn's "Milk' is my only sure thing at the moment. Even that though could have a few hiccups down the stretch. Also, "The Dark Knight" is probably going to get in. It's just too big a film for the Academy not to vote for.
In the Middle of the Pack: Leo and Kate could get a best pic nom for "Revolutionary Road." There's a possibility that "Curious Case of Benjamin Button" could very well sneak in with a nom, but it might not be the Academy's cup o' tea. Other than that, I'm stumped.
Upset Special: Anything from Aronofsky's "The Wrestler, "Australia" from Baz, Howard's "Frost/Nixon", "Doubt," or even Clint's "Changeling" could make it to the top spot. But what you really should be looking at is Danny Boyle, he of "Trainspotting" and "28 Days Later...", and his film "Slumdog Millionaire." It would have to be a major upset for it to make it, but it could make a few waves, as it looks very heartwarming and is based on a true story of redemption and hope, which always gives a film a boost. (see: Shawshank)
The Nom's: Milk, The Dark Knight, Revolutionary Road, The Wrestler, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Winner: It really all depends on how good/bad all these films actually are but right now, the film with the best buzz and best subject matter the academy will go for is "Milk". So that's my pick. FOR NOW....


That's it for this year's predix. Hope you enjoyed the look at this year's movies. Next up will be a more serious, historical blogging that you may enjoy. Stay hungry for it (hint: that's a hint). Until then, Ik zal u spoedig zien!

Cumming Out Party

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Flirt With Perfection and She'll Give You a Fake Number

With the recent disappointment the baseball gods have decided to place at the front door of Wrigley Field, I'm compelled to write about tragedy. Like pure tragedy. Sometimes the closer we come to perfection, the more it hurts when we don't reach it. So, today we'll talk about near-perfection that ended in tragedy. Here are the 6 Near Perfect Games that Ended in Tragedy. Keep in mind: the baseball gods are cruel for reasons unknown. Don't piss them off.

6. Dick Bosman
Game: On July 19, 1974, Bosman's Cleveland Indians faced the Oakland A's.
Tragedy: Bosman holds the dubious honor of being the only pitcher to pitch a no-hitter and have the only base runner reach on an error by themselves. In the 4th inning, Bosman fielded a soft grounder and made a bad throw to first, giving Oakland their only base runner of the day. Even though the hotheaded Bosman pitched a no-hitter, he could have achieved baseball immortality if not for the miscue.
Compare It! It's like getting a big job promotion then going out after work for a few drinks, falling, and breaking your collar bone. You still got the job but you also gotta walk around with that cast on, fuckface. Sorry. This blog might get vulgar, I'm still a little bitter about the Cubs.

5. Terry Mulholland
Game: On August 5, 1990, Mulholand's Phillies faced the Giants at that craphole Veterans Stadium.
Tragedy: Mulholland pitched one hell of a game at the Vet that day. Mulholland got his no-hitter, facing the minimum 27 batters, becoming the man with the best mustache in the history of no-hitters. However, he was oh-so-close to a perfect game. Mulholland's third baseman, Charlie Hayes, made a throwing error, with the next batter grounding into a double play. Mulholland's shot at immortality was taken away in that moment, but Hayes atoned later on in the game when he made a diving catch on the final out to at least preserve the no-hitter. Still, how bad does that fucker feel? Probably as bad as the guy who let O.J. go on trial for those murders. Or that girl after wrongly accusing Kobe. Terrible people.
Compare It! Kinda like you're close to going all the way with a girl you really like and having your best friend sleep with her first, then subsequently marrying her anyway. You may have got the better of the deal there but.....he still fucked you.


4. Mike Mussina
Game: On September 2, 2001, Mussina pitched for the Yankees against the Boston Red Sox at Fenway Park.
Tragedy: Mussina might be the unluckiest pitcher out there. Only 17 times in MLB history has a pitcher pitched a perfect game, retiring all 27 batters in a row. Two times before Mussina came close. In 1997, Mussina got through 25 before giving up a single. A year later, he got through 23 batters before giving up a hit. On this Sunday Night, Primetime ESPN game, Mussina got through the first 8 innings no problem, no base runners at all. Mussina then retired the first 2 batters of the inning, before Carl Everett pinch-hit as the 27th batter. On a 1-2 pitch, Everett hit a bloop single to left-center field that Mussina probably sees in his nightmares. Makes you wonder if Mussina pisses in his teammates shoes and kills babies on the side, as the baseball gods have been less than kind to him.
Compare It! Mussina's near-perfecto was like finally bagging the girl you've always dreamed of sleeping with, then having her very large, very angry boyfriend walk in just as you're about to get her underwear off. OUCH!

3. Ernie Shore
Game: On June 23, 1917, Shore's Boston Red Sox faced off against the Washington Senators in the first game of a doubleheader at Fenway.
Tragedy: Well, the first game of the doubleheader at Fenway started off interesting enough. Babe Ruth took the mound and walked the first better. Babe Ruth got ejected for arguing with the umpire, the hitting him in the face (no lie), and got his catcher ejected. Ernie Shore then came in to relieve him (that's NOT a bathroom joke) and retired all 26 batters he faced (the other out was the batter Ruth walked getting caught stealing) giving baseball a dilemma: did Shore pitch a perfect game? Nope, since a runner reached base against Ruth, it's not a perfect game, just a COMBINED NO-HITTER. Wow, how bitch is that? It sucks for Shore but it has to be the correct call here since, if that batter wasn't walked, who knows what would have happened. I wonder what would have happened to Ruth today had he hit an umpire? How long is THAT suspension?
Compare It! Spending all day in the kitchen making an excellent dinner for you and your family, having your spouse come in and claim to your kids that they helped, even though they didn't do jack shit. You know what? The next time they want to give themselves credit for making dinner, they CAN COOK IT THEMSELVES GOD DAMNIT!

2. Pedro Martinez
Game: On June 3rd, 1995, Pedro's Montreal Expos took on the San Diego Padres in San Diego
Tragedy: Pedro pitched about as well as you can pitch without getting that perfect game. You see, rarely does a team not score throughout 9 innings. In fact, it only happened to the Cubs once this entire season. Well, Pedro didn't give up anything for 9 innings. Not a single, solitary base runner. To repay his excellence, his team also did not score for 9 innings. So Pedro Martinez went to the 10th inning with a perfect game, the Expos scored a run in the top of the inning and Pedro gave up a lead off double. To further clarify an even more ridiculous story, Pedro had a perfect game going much earlier in his career against the Reds. In the 8th inning, Martinez hit Reggie Sanders with a pitch. Sanders CHARGED THE MOUND, since he though Pedro was throwing at him in the 8th inning of a close game with a perfect game going. Reggie Sanders, you get the idiot of the century award! Congratulations! Pedro gave up a hit in the 9th to end the no-no, but not without getting hit in the face in the previous inning.
Compare It! It's like going to your favorite bands concert after spending a great deal of money on the tickets, leaving after the encore, and having them play your favorite song during the second encore. You sir, just got fucked. Not in a Dirk Diggler sort of way either.

1. Harvey Haddix
Game: On May 26, 1959, Haddix's (Haddix' or Haddixs'??) Pittsburgh Pirates took on the Milwaukee Braves in Milwaukee.
Tragedy: Anytime someone you loves dies, remember Harvey Haddix. His tragedy may not be involved with death, but he perhaps pitched the greatest game in MLB history and didn't even get a win. In fact, he got a loss. On a fateful day in the horrible city of Milwaukee, Haddix threw 9 perfect innings but his team failed to score. Then 10. Then 11. Then 12. Haddix went into the 13TH INNING with a perfect game. That's 36 batters in a row without a base runner, which felt like the Cubs playoff run to an extent. Then in the 13th inning his team didn't score. Haddix went out there, probably after 196 pitches or something, and got a ground ball that was misplayed for an error, followed by a sac bunt for the 1st out. Then an intentional walk. Then a home run, from HANK AARON no less. (The homer was later ruled a double since he passed his teammate on the bases, making the final score 1-0 instead of 3-0) Perfect game, no hitter, shutout, win....all lost in three batters. Haddix is credited with a 12 and 2/3 inning one hit loss against the team that had won the NL Pennant the year before. To further fuck with Haddix, a Milwaukee player came out in 1993, admitting to stealing signs from the Pirates catcher that day from the bullpen. Haddix was a 2 pitch pitcher and the Braves STILL DIDN'T GET A HIT, even though they KNEW WHAT WAS COMING! To perfectly surmise Haddix's fate, a fraternity sent him a letter saying "Dear Harvey, Tough shit." Haddix was mad until "I realized they were right. That's exactly what it was."
Compare It! Compare it? How? Maybe dying of 6 different cancers at once, getting sent to hell, then raped by Hitler for eternity while he screams "GO CARDINALS!!!!" over and over and over and BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew, sorry.
Well, tragedy must happen for a reason. I think. Well, I hope. Hopefully tragedies occur so that we can learn from them. One thing we learned: Kosuke Fukudome is not a major leaguer anymore. Also, maybe there's no such thing as perfection. It's hard to just be good, nevertheless perfect. So instead of ranting on about the trivialities of life, I'm going to salute those who try to live their lives as close to perfection, not for themselves, but for the people around them. Maybe that's what makes a perfect game so special. It takes a bunch of people around you to be perfect, you can't do it by yourself. Maybe we could all learn from this simple baseball allegory: you can't be perfect alone but with the right people around you, you can be. Slán leat, mo chairde!

Come Out of There!

You, like me, have no doubt been distracted by the MLB playoffs and the Cubs Game 1 and Game 2 losses. Well, this blog has nothing to do with it. I thought it would be helpful to vent over an array of racism and gay jokes, the mere extent of my vast intellectual prowess. Just kidding. I'm way smarter than that. But I do feel like insulting people today. Because I'm angry. So, today, I'm going to insult the 6 Celebrities Who Are So Gay they Don't Even Know It. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But, you know, don't deny it. Neil Patrick Harris came out and he still would rock your soul. That's a nice segue into my next point: NPH kicks ass.

6. Troy Aikin'Forman
Hetero Name: Troy Aikman, Hall of Famer QB from the Dallas Cowboys and now the butt puppet of Joe Buck during NFL games on FOX.
So, Wait...He's Gay? You better believe it. Just ask former Redskin great and current Bear mediocre-er Brandon Lloyd, who said on the radio that Aikman wasn't "man enough to admit his personal life situation as a player." Even sportswriter Skip Bayless wrote that Aikman might be gay in his book "Hell Bent." Aikman is married, presumably, to a woman and has three kids. His wife, however, is a publicist and married him for the money, with the condition she squash all gay rumors. Genius plan if you ask me. He also works with Joe Buck, did I mention that? Buck's probably gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Video Evidence: Calling the Bears defensive line "cunt's". "This offensive line does a great job of picking up the blitzes and cunts."


5. Eliajh "Likes" Wood
Hetero Name: Elijah Wood, actor in films such as "The Lord of the Rings" and "Flipper."
So, Wait...He's Gay? Well, to start, he was hobbit. Wood once said the rumors about him being gay were "funny." Funny, huh? Well every joke has some bit of truth to it. Wood was once seen at a gay bar in West Hollywood and at Sundance dancing to Madonna and Beyonce tunes. There were rumors linking him to Aaron Carter, which is more than a little disturbing. It's been said by elijahwoodisveryverygay.com that Elijah has many common gay characteristics, including his stature, voice, and love of dick. I'll take their word for it. Also, he was a hobbit.
Photographic Proof:

4. Condoleezza "Tastes The" Rice
Hetero Name: Current US Secretary of State and eternal failure Condi Rice.
So, Wait...She's Gay? Oh, Condi's a little carpet muncher. I have my gay sources (various internet websites) that tell me "Condi's totally thought of as a lesbian in the gay community." Lesbian rumors even ruined her chance of becoming the GOP's Vice President. A woman Senator once said on the Senate floor that Condi would never have children so she wouldn't know what it's like to lose a son or daughter. Ouch, that's harsh even if she is a lesbian. Rice's best male friend is a gay Harvard professor and her best female friend is named Randy , who is not married and never has stated her sexual orientation. Rice and Randy Bean (Rice and Bean. You can't make that shit up. Well, you could, it's just funnier when its true) even share a house and a line of credit together. If that's not enough proof, her cell phone ringer is "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go".
Photographic Proof: "Sir, the penis is a small and disgusting abomination!"


3. John "Saturgay Night Fever" Travolta-ta
Hetero Name: Actor, Scientologist, and renowned disco dancer John Travolta.
So, Wait...He's Gay? As sure as every John Travolta movie of the last 15 years has sucked, he's gay. I mean, he dressed up as a chick for "Hairspray." Either you don't dress up as a woman for a month straight, you win an Oscar, or you are gay, sir. Travolta may be married to Kelly Preston but taht means about nothing to me. Not that any gay man would sleep with for any reason except money. That's not the point. He has his own plane, he's been seen getting a little too busy with men before. Poor Johnny's just in a bit of denial. Like steriods, people just want you to admit it and they'll understand. But denial is the kiss of death (not literally John). So get over it and embrace your real Saturday Night Fever: penis. Lots of it.
Photographic Proof: "What?! All Guys do this, I was just saying goodbye!"


2. Tom "Pleasure" Cruise
Hetero Name: Actor, Scientologist, and baby killer Tom Cruise.
So, Wait...He's Gay? Cruise has sued 4 different magazines/publication for alleging he was gay. Gay porn actor Chad Slator once said that he and Cruise had a sexual relationship, in which Cruise was the woman. Photographer Mike Davis once claimed he had a video that would prove Cruise's homosexuality but they settled out of court. Cruise also had that feminine outburst on Oprah, probably to convince people he was straight. Well, I'm not buying it Tommy Boy. As far as I'm concerned, Tom is Eternally Raping Katie Holmes. Harsh language? The truth hurts, my friend. Nothing more than friends though, Tom. I'm not into that.
Tons of Proof: Apparently, Tom's admitted it before. WHERE WAS THE MEDIA?!


1. Oprah Gayle Winfrey
Hetero Name: Ironically, that is her real name up there.
So, Wait...She's Gay? Oh, believe it sister. She was raped when younger, which probably turned her off from men. She dated Roger Ebert after that, which probably turned her off much, much more. She also had a baby at 14, which died shortly. Oprah's been through a lot of bad men. She's still unmarried and single, but her best friend, single woman Gayle King and her acted as Ellen DeGeneres' therapist when she came out on her show. Oprah even said "How can you be this close without it being sexual?" Hmm, maybe if you aren't having sex. Oprah's an older, single, powerful, black, gay woman. There's just no reaching around it. Or isssss there?
Some Proof For Ya: Look at them. Awwww, they look so cute together!


More:



Well, I had to get my money's worth on that last one because I'll probably have my blog shut down and be faced with 3 different high profile lawsuits for slander. Whatever, it was worth it. I hope you enjoyed this version of my opinion. I'll try and do something a little less offensive next time. Not too unoffensive though. I wouldn't do that to you. If you enjoy watch gay people get victimized by random people on the street, then this video's for you. Until next time, Fuck You Manny Ramirez!

I Never Felt Satisfied

Besides probably being what my Mom said to my Dad when they broke up, the title of today's blog goes through my mind when I think of certain things that I just couldn't or still can't get enough of. Although my life is teetering on the edge of being "completely useless to society except for pouring money into Starbucks, Jamba Juice, and the Whiskey industry," I have decided to write a blog about what useless people spend their time doing: watching a shit ton of TV. Because while you were partying and getting laid in high school, I was doing research for today's blog. So we all know who got the better end of that deal. So let's get into the 6 TV Shows that Deserve More Love

6. Firefly
Network Run: 11 Episodes Aired (14 were made) between September 2002 and August 2003 on FOX, presumably to make room for Andy Richter Controls the Universe
Lack of Appeal: Science Fiction shows have never really received too much love. Fox aired the episodes out of order, take unexplained breaks between episodes. Joss Whedon's visually excellent follow up to Buffy, Firefly gained little support from the get-go. Fox aired a stand alone episode as the pilot and aired the pilot a few episodes later. The show was even preempted for sporting events. Imagine going into an episode of LOST, never having seen the show before, 20 minutes into it. You'd be even more lost than the characters! (Bad Pun Alert!) This brand of sci-fi vagrants taking vigilante jobs on other planets to earn a living just never had a chance to take off.
Redeeming Factors: Whedon's show did win an Emmy for "Best Visual Effects" and also garnered some strong critical reviews, along with an intense cult following. You also may have caught the most excellent movie based on the series Serenity. The show has made a pretty decent amount off DVD sales, books, and comics all based on the series as well. Plus, the show could have been a classic if FOX gave it time, but, alas, we are talking about FOX. In a not-so-strange turn of events, you will most definitely see FOX mentioned again on this list.

5. Undeclared
Network Run: Had a 17 episode run (15 aired) during the 2001-2002 season before it was canceled by, you guessed it, FOX.
Lack of Appeal: In yet another twist in the "We Cancel Great Shows" saga, FOX aired the episodes out of order and moved it all around on the schedule in just one season, causing the show to consistently lose ratings throughout its run. This great drama about college life suffered the fate of most college shows: failure. The show was very funny, had good writing, acting, and pacing. The thing with college shows is that you really can't be all that truthful about college life on network TV, especially conservative network TV. If Judd Apatow made this show now, it would probably be the highest rated show on television. But, alas, timing es everything.
Redeeming Factors: How's this for redemption?
Two directors who directed episodes of this show have directed $100+ million movies and two others made movies grossing $60+ million (not including Apatow). Two actors have written, with top billing, 3 movies that grossed over $100 million (Jason Segel and Seth Rogen), along with Rogen starring in major success Knocked Up and 40-Year Old Virgin. Segel also is one of the stars of "How I Met Your Mother" on CBS. Pretty much any comedy without Apatow's name attached to it these days is destined for failure. (minus Tropic Thunder, although that does have Apatow regular and Undeclared's main character Jay Baruchel.)

4. Spaced
Network Run: 14 Episodes (divided into 2 seasons of 7) aired between 1999 and 2001 on Channel 4 in Britain.
Lack of Appeal: This show was actually not a failure in Britain but nobody in the United States has even heard of it. Well, that's a shame because its one of the funniest show I've seen. I spose the lack of exposure in the US is probably the top factor in its lack of popularity over here. But if you liked Shaun of the Dead or Hot Fuzz, then rest assured you'll most definitely love this little ditty. Although it'll never catch on completely here, you should check it out anyway. That is, unless you're gay. If you are, there's nothing wrong with that, this just might not be your cup o' tea.
Redeeming Factors: The pop culture references are nearly endless and border on ludicrous. The unholy trio of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and director Edgar Wright got the idea for Shaun of the Dead from an episode in this series, so everyone should be damn well thankful for that. So check it out. NOW.


3. The Wire
Network Run: 60 episodes aired on HBO from 2002-2008.
Lack of Appeal: Well, not everybody gets HBO for one, so the wide appeal of any show is hard to reach, unless you're a show like The Sopranos or Flight of the Conchords. Also, the plot is a very complex one, with many different points of view and characters. There also is many black characters, which is good if you're in a Tyler Perry movie (if you are, please die immediately), but not if your in a drama on a premium cable network that black people probably don't get. Besides that, there's lots of hard-to-follow slang and it had a terrible time slot. That people didn't watch this show proves that people just aren't smart.
Redeeming Factors: Although it never achieved commercial success, The Wire was rated by critics as one of the best TV shows of all time. Even Obama has said that it's his favorite show, which has very little to do with anything actually. The Wire has a 98/100 score on metacritic, which averages out reviews, making it the best reviewed show this decade. C'mon people! It has gang warfare, drug dealing, profanity, and extremely interesting characters. If it had titties it would be the perfect show!

2. Freaks and Geeks
Network Run: 18 episodes were completed (12 aired) for NBC between 1999-2000.
Lack of Appeal: The show, despite its cult following, just never got off the ground. Scheduling changes and preemption by sporting events on Sunday nights hurt its chances of ever getting a bigger fanbase. Its hard to center a show around adolescence as Apatow, who produced the show, would find out immediately after "Freaks" was canceled with Undeclared. This show, which centered around the lives of different groups of kids in high school (guess which ones!) and the ordinary dealings of high school kids in general. Its a travesty cause this show was the shit.
Redeeming Factors: I think Apatow and his crew are doing just fine nowadays, as I mentioned above. Also, the lead female character looks, acts, and talks EXACTLY like Ellen Page in Juno. I'd pretty much bet my life on the fact that they based the character's look on her. It's creepy how much they are alike. You know, besides the pregnancy thing. The show was also nominated for 3 Emmys in its time, which is a pretty good accomplishment for a show that only aired 12 episodes. Which brings me to my next point: someone in a Apatow movie eventually has to get nominated for an Academy Award. Why is it that the Academy thinks its easier to make people laugh than any other emotion? It's hard to make a comedy that is loved by fans AND critics. Apatow has done it and done it relatively consistently.

1. Arrested Development
Network Run: 3 seasons of 53 episodes aired from 2003 to 2006 on FOX, which deserves to die for the way they promoted this show.
Lack of Appeal: Despite it being one the best shows to air on television, Arrested Development never could gain a sizable audience. FOX passed it around like a crackwhore on its schedule, even pitting it against Monday Night Football and the series finale against the opening of the 2006 Winter Olympics. It got moved from Sunday to Friday to Monday, a different night for all three seasons. You people sicken me, this show could be on Season 6 right now, WHY DIDN'T YOU PEOPLE FUCKING WATCH THIS SHOW?! IT'S LIKE SEX FOR ALL THE COMEDIC BONES IN YOUR BODY FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Redeeming Factors: Ehem....sorry. Arrested won 6 Emmys and always had the backing of most critics. DVD sales have been impressive compared to its ratings and the show helped launch the career of Michael Cera. There even be a movie made based on the show. Also, it was best comedic show ever made. Disagree with you must, I will not care nor back down from my opinion. Rarely would a show make fun of itself due to poor ratings with in-jokes in the show. This show had the courage and brilliance to joke about anything and everything. And You Didn't Watch It. FOR SHAME!

If you are interested in checking out any of these fine television programs, you can find most, if not all, episodes at SurftheChannel.com. It's a great time waster. Hope you enjoyed this blog, it brought back some good memories of some good shows. Well, now that I'm done here I must go and serve my worldly purpose so I can do another blog on underrated TV 8 years from now. Adios, muchachos.

You Are Part of the Rebel Alliance and a Traitor! Take Her Away!

Before I get started on this week's amazing blog, I have to explain my infatuation with the number 6. See, it has come to my attention that I use the number 6 for most of my lists. Well, 6 is a good number for lists. Especially on a small time blog. Admittedly, sometimes I'm lazy and 6 is a good median in regards to time. So now that I've sort of explained that, I'm going to blow your ass out of the water with History's SEVEN Worst Traitors. When I say worst, I mean incompetent. When I say incompetent, I'm talking like Lovie Smith incompetent. So, you know, pretty damn bad.

7. William Joyce
Traitor Against: Was Born in America but was a traitor against Britain where he later lived.
What'd He Do: Joyce moved to Germany in 1939 and became a naturalized citizen in 1940. Before he moved to Germany, he was involved in a few fascist organizations in the UK. For this, the Brits were ready to detain him but Joyce was tipped off. Joyce later became the German radio propaganda broadcaster for English listeners and was nicknamed "Lord Haw-Haw." Although I have no idea what it means, it was presumably made up by the Germans so it must have to do with being really funny. Or, you know....not.
His Fate: Joyce was tried and executed in Britain a few years later for doing the propaganda broadcast while his British passport was still active. His last words were: "In death as in life, I defy the Jews who caused this war." Ahh, defiance. Or, you know, racism.

6. Iva Toguri D'Aquino or if you are racist "Toyko Rose"
Traitor Against: Bitch was a traitor against us.
What'd She Do: Ms. Rose was an interesting case. During WWII, she was a Japanese-American stuck in Japan. She worked for "Radio Tokyo" and had a short segment everyday, doing comedy sketches and the like. No anti-American comments were ever spoken by Ms. Toguri-D'Aquino but she was thrown in jail after the war was over for one year. After that, she was put on trial for 8 counts of treason. Mostly due to hearsay from witnesses who were probably lying under threat of "a-gohing to internament camp as dry cleaner."
Her Fate: Sentenced on one count of treason with 10 years in jail. She served 6 years and 2 months and was released, moving to Chicago to try out for the Cubs who finished in last place that year and desperately needed a lefty. Later, a Chicago Tribune report found the main witnesses were coerced, which led to Gerald Ford pardoning her but, you know, not before he pardoned that other guy. What's his name?
I really can't remember.
Oh, wait....

You're a fucker.

5. Meruzhan Artsruni
Traitor Against: Defected against Armenia back in the day. Even before 2Pac and Biggie.
What'd He Do: Well, Meruzhan was acutally a traitor back in the mid-4th century. When Persia invaded Armenia, Meruzhan, who was an Armenian lord (which is like today's equivalent to being President of the Galapagos Islands) defected over to Persia. He fought against the Armenians throughout the ensuing battle because he was promised riches from some Islamic demi-god. Armenians hate this dude like black people hate swimming. Which is very much.
His Fate: The Persian attack was thwarted by some scary Armenian dude (if you've ever met an Armenian, you know they're all scary fuckers). When the late Armenian king was replaced, Artsruni was totally taken out by an assassin. Some Armenians wanted to start making his name synonomous with "traitor" but, even in Armenian, Artsruni doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. So they stuck with "cockface".

4. Judas Iscariot
Traitor Against: Over a billion people's lord and savior, Jesus H. Christ . (Little known fact: H stands for Hadassah but the church thought is sounded too "Araby")
What'd He Do: Judas was the 12 Apostles' accountant (Peter was the cook). You know the story of Judas. He betrayed Jesus for cash, Jesus gets arrested and crucified, blah, blah, risen, so forth and so on. What you don't know is that, although Judas is widely viewed as a traitor and a sneaky motherfucker by Christians, a papyrus script was found in Egypt that was discovered to be the Gospel of Judas. In it, it states that his act was not a betrayal but rather Judas was following instructions from Jesus to fulfill his prophecy. So, you know, that would change things. In the end, winners and people that are alive get to write history anyway they want. In a thousand years, people will read "and thus Dolan raised up a Guinness to the Lord and the Lord said: "You shall replace me." and it was good." Fucking a' it was good.
His Fate: It's widely believed Judas was overwhelmed with guilt and hung himself. But for the purpose of drama, we're going to say the other semi-believed theory that the other 11 Apostles were a tad pissed and stoned him to death. Imagine how much weed he'd have to smoke to get stoned to death. Crazy.

3. Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg
Traitor Against: The Nazi Regime. Or the dark lord Adolf.
What'd He Do: You may have heard of Claus. Ever since Hitler had taken power there were plots against him. When the tide of the war was turning against Germany, German military leaders became more desperate. Claus didn't appreciate all the Jew-killing and POW burning. Operation Walkure was designed to assemble the reserve army, take out the SS, and arrest German leadership. Between 1943 and 1944, there were at least 4 attempts to get a conspirator close to Hitler that all failed. Since Hitler was becoming more and more paranoid towards the end of the war, he made less public appearances, making it more difficult to cap his white ass. Claus got appointed to a high up position in the military that allowed him to sit in on Hitler's staff meetings. Claus attended a conference on July 20th, as the SS and Gestapo was closing in on the conspirators, there was a desperate feeling to get rid of Hitler or the window would close. Claus attended the meeting with a bomb in his briefcase. He made an excuse to leave the room and the bomb exploded soon after. 3 died, but Hitler suffered only minor injuries. In association with the plot, 5,000 people were arrested and 200 killed.
His Fate: One of the conspirators attempted to save his own ass by arresting some of the other conspirators and killing them, including Claus here, the very next day. It is said that if Claus placed the briefcase on the other side of the table leg, Hitler would have been as dead as a Jew in Munich. Oh, by the way, I just ruined the movie Valkyrie, coming to your local cinema this December with Tom Cruise as Claus here. At least you'll get to see him die.

2. Benedict Arnold
Traitor Against: America. The dirty fuck joined the British. I would have killed him myself.
What'd He Do: Arnold was in control of West Point and offered to sell it to the British for 20,000 pounds (roughly $1.1 million in 2008). His cohort and son-in-law Major Andre, a British spy, was caught with the plans with Arnold's signature. The plot was thwarted but not before Arnold defected over to the British side. His cohort was hanged and George Washington raped Arnold's daughter, taped it, and sent it to Arnold, finishing all over her face while giving the camera the middle finger. Ok, she was offered and took safe passage to England. The other way was funnier and more awesome.
His Fate: Besides becoming the American word for traitor, Arnold served out some time in the British army, drinking tea, eating dumplings, and having the occasional pint with his mates. He also died a very painful death from gout he got in his leg, and he had delusions for 4 straight days before dying. Wow, that would suck. Serves you right, buddy.

1. Vidkun Quisling
Traitor Against: Norway during World War II
What'd He Do: Quisling was head of the extremist Norwegian Socialist Party. In 1940, Germany invaded Norway with the plan of placing Quisling at the head of a puppet government. Quisling burst into a radio studio, proclaimed he was the new Prime Minister and ordered a halt to all resistance. The act did the opposite of what Hitler wanted, as nobody listened to Quisling and he ruined any chance of getting Norway to surrender. Germany did eventually capture Norway and Quisling was placed in power from 1942-1945. While he was in power he had Norwegian patriots sent to concentration camps, assisted in the deportation of Jews, and encouraging Norwegians to join the SS. Then the war ended and everybody decided they weren't going to be socialist if they didn't have to be.
His Fate: Quisling totally sold out his country for power. That is generally noted in history as an act of cowardice. The word "Quisling" is basically the word for "traitor" in most of Western Europe. Besides being forever known as a big pussy, Quisling was arrested after the war ended for high treason and executed by firing squad. This douchebag was socialist, sold his country to the Nazi's, and had a Russian communist wife. I do not like him. In an article after Quisling took power, the The Times in London proclaimed "if they had been ordered to find a new word for a traitor...they could hardly have hit upon a better combination of letters than Quisling." In other news, Norway is really, really cold and is rated the most peaceful country in the world. So, if you're a hippy, that's good news.

I hope you enjoyed my thorough examination of past traitors that have acted out of cowardice towards their respective countries. I'll try and shy away from the number 6 for a while, maybe I'll start obsessing over 7 or 5 or 10. Maybe I'll even go over some TV shows that never got the love they deserved next time but until then, jeg vil se deg senere!