6. Troy Aikin'Forman
Hetero Name: Troy Aikman, Hall of Famer QB from the Dallas Cowboys and now the butt puppet of Joe Buck during NFL games on FOX.
So, Wait...He's Gay? You better believe it. Just ask former Redskin great and current Bear mediocre-er Brandon Lloyd, who said on the radio that Aikman wasn't "man enough to admit his personal life situation as a player." Even sportswriter Skip Bayless wrote that Aikman might be gay in his book "Hell Bent." Aikman is married, presumably, to a woman and has three kids. His wife, however, is a publicist and married him for the money, with the condition she squash all gay rumors. Genius plan if you ask me. He also works with Joe Buck, did I mention that? Buck's probably gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Video Evidence: Calling the Bears defensive line "cunt's". "This offensive line does a great job of picking up the blitzes and cunts."
5. Eliajh "Likes" Wood
Hetero Name: Elijah Wood, actor in films such as "The Lord of the Rings" and "Flipper."
So, Wait...He's Gay? Well, to start, he was hobbit. Wood once said the rumors about him being gay were "funny." Funny, huh? Well every joke has some bit of truth to it. Wood was once seen at a gay bar in West Hollywood and at Sundance dancing to Madonna and Beyonce tunes. There were rumors linking him to Aaron Carter, which is more than a little disturbing. It's been said by elijahwoodisveryverygay.com that Elijah has many common gay characteristics, including his stature, voice, and love of dick. I'll take their word for it. Also, he was a hobbit.
Photographic Proof:
4. Condoleezza "Tastes The" Rice
Hetero Name: Current US Secretary of State and eternal failure Condi Rice.
So, Wait...She's Gay? Oh, Condi's a little carpet muncher. I have my gay sources (various internet websites) that tell me "Condi's totally thought of as a lesbian in the gay community." Lesbian rumors even ruined her chance of becoming the GOP's Vice President. A woman Senator once said on the Senate floor that Condi would never have children so she wouldn't know what it's like to lose a son or daughter. Ouch, that's harsh even if she is a lesbian. Rice's best male friend is a gay Harvard professor and her best female friend is named Randy , who is not married and never has stated her sexual orientation. Rice and Randy Bean (Rice and Bean. You can't make that shit up. Well, you could, it's just funnier when its true) even share a house and a line of credit together. If that's not enough proof, her cell phone ringer is "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go".
Photographic Proof: "Sir, the penis is a small and disgusting abomination!"
3. John "Saturgay Night Fever" Travolta-ta
Hetero Name: Actor, Scientologist, and renowned disco dancer John Travolta.
So, Wait...He's Gay? As sure as every John Travolta movie of the last 15 years has sucked, he's gay. I mean, he dressed up as a chick for "Hairspray." Either you don't dress up as a woman for a month straight, you win an Oscar, or you are gay, sir. Travolta may be married to Kelly Preston but taht means about nothing to me. Not that any gay man would sleep with for any reason except money. That's not the point. He has his own plane, he's been seen getting a little too busy with men before. Poor Johnny's just in a bit of denial. Like steriods, people just want you to admit it and they'll understand. But denial is the kiss of death (not literally John). So get over it and embrace your real Saturday Night Fever: penis. Lots of it.
Photographic Proof: "What?! All Guys do this, I was just saying goodbye!"
2. Tom "Pleasure" Cruise
Hetero Name: Actor, Scientologist, and baby killer Tom Cruise.
So, Wait...He's Gay? Cruise has sued 4 different magazines/publication for alleging he was gay. Gay porn actor Chad Slator once said that he and Cruise had a sexual relationship, in which Cruise was the woman. Photographer Mike Davis once claimed he had a video that would prove Cruise's homosexuality but they settled out of court. Cruise also had that feminine outburst on Oprah, probably to convince people he was straight. Well, I'm not buying it Tommy Boy. As far as I'm concerned, Tom is Eternally Raping Katie Holmes. Harsh language? The truth hurts, my friend. Nothing more than friends though, Tom. I'm not into that.
Tons of Proof: Apparently, Tom's admitted it before. WHERE WAS THE MEDIA?!
1. Oprah Gayle Winfrey
Hetero Name: Ironically, that is her real name up there.
So, Wait...She's Gay? Oh, believe it sister. She was raped when younger, which probably turned her off from men. She dated Roger Ebert after that, which probably turned her off much, much more. She also had a baby at 14, which died shortly. Oprah's been through a lot of bad men. She's still unmarried and single, but her best friend, single woman Gayle King and her acted as Ellen DeGeneres' therapist when she came out on her show. Oprah even said "How can you be this close without it being sexual?" Hmm, maybe if you aren't having sex. Oprah's an older, single, powerful, black, gay woman. There's just no reaching around it. Or isssss there?
Some Proof For Ya: Look at them. Awwww, they look so cute together!
More:
Well, I had to get my money's worth on that last one because I'll probably have my blog shut down and be faced with 3 different high profile lawsuits for slander. Whatever, it was worth it. I hope you enjoyed this version of my opinion. I'll try and do something a little less offensive next time. Not too unoffensive though. I wouldn't do that to you. If you enjoy watch gay people get victimized by random people on the street, then this video's for you. Until next time, Fuck You Manny Ramirez!
Rice is thought of as gay by much of official Washington, although her personal life is simply hard to fathom. She simply does not believe ti to be anyone's business but her own. However, the story about a romantic relationship with Randy Bean was debunked by Bean herself.
ReplyDeleteBean and Rice are very close friends from Rice's days as an adjunct and full professor at Stanford, where Bean still works as a film producer. After Glenn Kessler's biography of Rice came out, with the Bean/Rice expose in it, Bean made a statement that stated that she was straight and that she was insulted that anyone would think that, were she gay, she would remain closeted.
Rice comes from an era in the South in which sexuality is simply not discussed by both convention and agreement. This is hard for much of the gay community to understand, but it is simply not in her nature to speak of such things.
Lastly, the choice between Condi Rice and Sarah Palin was a no brainer, and she was John McCain's first choice, but as a Republican, I can tell you that the RNC is run by assclowns who couldn't beat Himmler in a contest for mayor of Tel Aviv. So of course, they pressured John not to pick Rice because she might be gay.
You have to understand what Rice would have done to Joe Biden last night to understand just how stupid the asshats who run the Republican National Committee are, and why a lot of us out here in the sticks aren't willing to give them our money. That said, Sarah has great potential, she's just not in Condi's league.