You Are Part of the Rebel Alliance and a Traitor! Take Her Away!

Before I get started on this week's amazing blog, I have to explain my infatuation with the number 6. See, it has come to my attention that I use the number 6 for most of my lists. Well, 6 is a good number for lists. Especially on a small time blog. Admittedly, sometimes I'm lazy and 6 is a good median in regards to time. So now that I've sort of explained that, I'm going to blow your ass out of the water with History's SEVEN Worst Traitors. When I say worst, I mean incompetent. When I say incompetent, I'm talking like Lovie Smith incompetent. So, you know, pretty damn bad.

7. William Joyce
Traitor Against: Was Born in America but was a traitor against Britain where he later lived.
What'd He Do: Joyce moved to Germany in 1939 and became a naturalized citizen in 1940. Before he moved to Germany, he was involved in a few fascist organizations in the UK. For this, the Brits were ready to detain him but Joyce was tipped off. Joyce later became the German radio propaganda broadcaster for English listeners and was nicknamed "Lord Haw-Haw." Although I have no idea what it means, it was presumably made up by the Germans so it must have to do with being really funny. Or, you know....not.
His Fate: Joyce was tried and executed in Britain a few years later for doing the propaganda broadcast while his British passport was still active. His last words were: "In death as in life, I defy the Jews who caused this war." Ahh, defiance. Or, you know, racism.

6. Iva Toguri D'Aquino or if you are racist "Toyko Rose"
Traitor Against: Bitch was a traitor against us.
What'd She Do: Ms. Rose was an interesting case. During WWII, she was a Japanese-American stuck in Japan. She worked for "Radio Tokyo" and had a short segment everyday, doing comedy sketches and the like. No anti-American comments were ever spoken by Ms. Toguri-D'Aquino but she was thrown in jail after the war was over for one year. After that, she was put on trial for 8 counts of treason. Mostly due to hearsay from witnesses who were probably lying under threat of "a-gohing to internament camp as dry cleaner."
Her Fate: Sentenced on one count of treason with 10 years in jail. She served 6 years and 2 months and was released, moving to Chicago to try out for the Cubs who finished in last place that year and desperately needed a lefty. Later, a Chicago Tribune report found the main witnesses were coerced, which led to Gerald Ford pardoning her but, you know, not before he pardoned that other guy. What's his name?
I really can't remember.
Oh, wait....

You're a fucker.

5. Meruzhan Artsruni
Traitor Against: Defected against Armenia back in the day. Even before 2Pac and Biggie.
What'd He Do: Well, Meruzhan was acutally a traitor back in the mid-4th century. When Persia invaded Armenia, Meruzhan, who was an Armenian lord (which is like today's equivalent to being President of the Galapagos Islands) defected over to Persia. He fought against the Armenians throughout the ensuing battle because he was promised riches from some Islamic demi-god. Armenians hate this dude like black people hate swimming. Which is very much.
His Fate: The Persian attack was thwarted by some scary Armenian dude (if you've ever met an Armenian, you know they're all scary fuckers). When the late Armenian king was replaced, Artsruni was totally taken out by an assassin. Some Armenians wanted to start making his name synonomous with "traitor" but, even in Armenian, Artsruni doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. So they stuck with "cockface".

4. Judas Iscariot
Traitor Against: Over a billion people's lord and savior, Jesus H. Christ . (Little known fact: H stands for Hadassah but the church thought is sounded too "Araby")
What'd He Do: Judas was the 12 Apostles' accountant (Peter was the cook). You know the story of Judas. He betrayed Jesus for cash, Jesus gets arrested and crucified, blah, blah, risen, so forth and so on. What you don't know is that, although Judas is widely viewed as a traitor and a sneaky motherfucker by Christians, a papyrus script was found in Egypt that was discovered to be the Gospel of Judas. In it, it states that his act was not a betrayal but rather Judas was following instructions from Jesus to fulfill his prophecy. So, you know, that would change things. In the end, winners and people that are alive get to write history anyway they want. In a thousand years, people will read "and thus Dolan raised up a Guinness to the Lord and the Lord said: "You shall replace me." and it was good." Fucking a' it was good.
His Fate: It's widely believed Judas was overwhelmed with guilt and hung himself. But for the purpose of drama, we're going to say the other semi-believed theory that the other 11 Apostles were a tad pissed and stoned him to death. Imagine how much weed he'd have to smoke to get stoned to death. Crazy.

3. Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg
Traitor Against: The Nazi Regime. Or the dark lord Adolf.
What'd He Do: You may have heard of Claus. Ever since Hitler had taken power there were plots against him. When the tide of the war was turning against Germany, German military leaders became more desperate. Claus didn't appreciate all the Jew-killing and POW burning. Operation Walkure was designed to assemble the reserve army, take out the SS, and arrest German leadership. Between 1943 and 1944, there were at least 4 attempts to get a conspirator close to Hitler that all failed. Since Hitler was becoming more and more paranoid towards the end of the war, he made less public appearances, making it more difficult to cap his white ass. Claus got appointed to a high up position in the military that allowed him to sit in on Hitler's staff meetings. Claus attended a conference on July 20th, as the SS and Gestapo was closing in on the conspirators, there was a desperate feeling to get rid of Hitler or the window would close. Claus attended the meeting with a bomb in his briefcase. He made an excuse to leave the room and the bomb exploded soon after. 3 died, but Hitler suffered only minor injuries. In association with the plot, 5,000 people were arrested and 200 killed.
His Fate: One of the conspirators attempted to save his own ass by arresting some of the other conspirators and killing them, including Claus here, the very next day. It is said that if Claus placed the briefcase on the other side of the table leg, Hitler would have been as dead as a Jew in Munich. Oh, by the way, I just ruined the movie Valkyrie, coming to your local cinema this December with Tom Cruise as Claus here. At least you'll get to see him die.

2. Benedict Arnold
Traitor Against: America. The dirty fuck joined the British. I would have killed him myself.
What'd He Do: Arnold was in control of West Point and offered to sell it to the British for 20,000 pounds (roughly $1.1 million in 2008). His cohort and son-in-law Major Andre, a British spy, was caught with the plans with Arnold's signature. The plot was thwarted but not before Arnold defected over to the British side. His cohort was hanged and George Washington raped Arnold's daughter, taped it, and sent it to Arnold, finishing all over her face while giving the camera the middle finger. Ok, she was offered and took safe passage to England. The other way was funnier and more awesome.
His Fate: Besides becoming the American word for traitor, Arnold served out some time in the British army, drinking tea, eating dumplings, and having the occasional pint with his mates. He also died a very painful death from gout he got in his leg, and he had delusions for 4 straight days before dying. Wow, that would suck. Serves you right, buddy.

1. Vidkun Quisling
Traitor Against: Norway during World War II
What'd He Do: Quisling was head of the extremist Norwegian Socialist Party. In 1940, Germany invaded Norway with the plan of placing Quisling at the head of a puppet government. Quisling burst into a radio studio, proclaimed he was the new Prime Minister and ordered a halt to all resistance. The act did the opposite of what Hitler wanted, as nobody listened to Quisling and he ruined any chance of getting Norway to surrender. Germany did eventually capture Norway and Quisling was placed in power from 1942-1945. While he was in power he had Norwegian patriots sent to concentration camps, assisted in the deportation of Jews, and encouraging Norwegians to join the SS. Then the war ended and everybody decided they weren't going to be socialist if they didn't have to be.
His Fate: Quisling totally sold out his country for power. That is generally noted in history as an act of cowardice. The word "Quisling" is basically the word for "traitor" in most of Western Europe. Besides being forever known as a big pussy, Quisling was arrested after the war ended for high treason and executed by firing squad. This douchebag was socialist, sold his country to the Nazi's, and had a Russian communist wife. I do not like him. In an article after Quisling took power, the The Times in London proclaimed "if they had been ordered to find a new word for a traitor...they could hardly have hit upon a better combination of letters than Quisling." In other news, Norway is really, really cold and is rated the most peaceful country in the world. So, if you're a hippy, that's good news.

I hope you enjoyed my thorough examination of past traitors that have acted out of cowardice towards their respective countries. I'll try and shy away from the number 6 for a while, maybe I'll start obsessing over 7 or 5 or 10. Maybe I'll even go over some TV shows that never got the love they deserved next time but until then, jeg vil se deg senere!