It's a new year...but the mailbag ain't changing, that's for sure! Welcome to 2010....where the mailbag will only get hotter, more raunchy, and even some improvement in the quality of writing (maybe). But anyways...introductions are for people who like wasting time. Let's get to the January Mailbag
Q: Who is a more talented artist Lady Gaga or Britney Spears? Who do you like better personally?
--S. Jillie, Vacationforeverville.
A: This is a tough question. I feel like Lady Gaga probably has more talent, especially since Britney got popular for dancing around as an 18 year old in a schoolgirl outfit. So Gaga. How much that's saying is debatable, though.
Q: What's your favorite kind of whiskey?
--W. Shatner's Stop and Go Voice, Ranchville, WY.
A: Known to be a fine purveyor of whiskey, there are many, many kinds that I do enjoy. As for my favorite--it's so hard to choose--but I'd have to say that Seagrams 7 is my favorite. I mean you can make something sweet, something sour, something ANYTHING with it. But I mean, this question is ridiculous. I love whiskey in general. It's like sex or pizza...bad is still better than nothing.
Q: I'm a girl. I've always heard that girls drink free in bars but I've never figured out how to actually get free drinks. Do you have any tips as to how to get free drinks, since I'm poor and don't feel like paying?
--M. Cyrus' Expaning Maturity, Disneyland, CA.
A: What are you, ten years old and fat? Here are the 5 steps to getting free drinks at bars for girls:
1) Approach a guy, but make sure you are out of his league
2) Flirt with him for approximately 16 seconds.
3) Ask him to buy you a drink.
4) Take a few sips and flirt for a few more seconds (if you wanna be nice).
5) Walk away and repeat.
Q; Why should I listen to Howie Long when it comes to truck buying? And for that matter, is there any way to beat him in a fight?
--T. Bradshaw's Very Annoying Personality, FoxStudios, Republicanville.
A: Because Howie Long is a man. Not just a man, but a MAN. As for fighting him, I think that if you got enough whiskey in Howie and kicked him in the balls, you could get a few shots in before he murdered you.
Q: What is, in your opinion, the worst political decision of the last decade?
--R. Limabugh's Unfilled Prescriptions, Washington RX.
A: I'm tempted to say something about Bush, since I'm so used to going there when thinking about bad political decisions. But, since I'm in a nice mood, I'll go with Congress or whoever in the government and their decision to feel the need to have a hearing on Roger Clemens. Seriously? I don't pay or care to hear about Roger Clemens and his douche steroid use, pedofila, and overall crap poop that is what's coming out of his mouth. Don't waste my tax money on faux trials so the GOV can get some PUB.
Q: If Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have a child, will it end the world?
--D. Beckham's Bending _ick, LA, CA.
A: Well, no. But only because they need to have four kids that look like horsemen, then the 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse will be alive and well, living among us, no doubt begging for our attention.
Q: Where is the best place to vacation on every major holiday (i.e. where can I get drunk for cheap)?
--J. Travolta's Fear of Women, Spokane, WA.
A: I'll only use the days that are national holidays, i.e. you'd get off work or school for.
New Years Day: If you really need to drink, NEW Mexico. It's like the old one, except it smells better.
MLK Jr. Day: Anywhere in the North, since the South still hates blacks.
St. Patty's Day: Dublin. Moron.
Easter: Mexico. Aren't they religious or something?
Memorial Day: Vegas. Sex Workers don't get off.
4th of July: Oregon. Talk to Shaune. He'll hook you up with whatever you need.
Labor Day: Vegas. Sex workers don't get off AND you can start betting on football.
Thanksgiving: Go to Turkey and laugh about the irony.
Christmas: Vegas. Sex Workers don't get off.
Q: How is Magic Johnson still alive, let alone announcing? Didn't he get AIDS in like 1990?
--G. Areanas' Unpaid Gambling Debts, TheGunStore.
A: I'm convinced that Magic Johnson's blood is the cure for AIDS and that Magic Johnson is a douche. Guy looks exactly the same as he did when he announced he had it. WTF. Aren't you supposed to lose weight?! Look sick?! Guy has probably put ON muscle. oh Oh OH it's MAGIC.
Q: Got any New Year's Resolution?
--J. Z.'s Extremely Attractive Female Counterpart, Ghettonation.
A: Yeah, to stop answering stupid questions like yours.
Q: What are some movies I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T MISS THIS YEAR? Also, how does it feel to be one of the only people left to not see Avatar that likes movies like you?
--B. Spears' Love of Bald Heads, Crazytown, TN.
A: I'll give you a little list of some movies I think can't miss this year. If I'm wrong about any, I'll buy you a shot:
Shutter Island (February)
Green Zone (March)
Iron Man 2 (May)
Get Him to the Greek (June) (2010's The Hangover Belie' that.
Toy Story 3 (June)
Inception (July)
Harry Potter Deathly Hollows (Nov)
As for anything else, idk. I'm sure there will be indie movies throughout the year that I won't hear of until a week before I see them (i.e. 500 Days of Summer and Slumdog Millionaire) that will be good hopefully. But these are my only guarantees.
Q: Which of the following props would you use during sex: handcuffs, whip, dildo, videocamera, belt, blindfold, and gag.
D. Jeter's Bright Blue Eyes, NY, NY.
A: Handcuffs, Whip, Camera, Belt, Blindfold, and the gag if it's not on me. Dildo? Get the fuck out of here. Keep that shit in the drawer, ladies, it's the least you can do. I mean, I delete the "last websites visited" stuff off my computer before you come over. And it's usually porn. So fair's fair.
Q: Your favorite show, LOST, is ending after it's next season forever. What's the best ending to a show you've ever seen? The worst?
--S. Rogen's Liposuction Surgery, American Samoa.
A: This is such a tough question since I just finished Six Feet Under and the ending was perfect for that show. I mean, The Wire is the best show of the decade, maybe ever, and it's ending was fitting, but not overwhelming. The problem is nowadays that shows always overstay their welcomes and the endings become irrelevant. I'll get the worst over with first...it's definitely Seinfeld, considering it's popularity. It's as if they intentionally chose something that nobody could guess, but I'm sorry, it was batshit stupid. The best, however, might just have to be Six Feet Under. Not to say that it's the best show or anything like that but it had the most overwhelmingly good ending I've ever seen. Hopefully I'll be changing my tune when LOST ends.
Q: What's the most off-putting words that you can use for both male and female genitalia?
--E. Nordegren's Improving Golf Swing, Tiger Wood's House.
A: Yikes. As for male genitalia, the most off-putting word to use for a penis is "sausage" or any derivation about meat. I don't really like it. As for women's, it's obvious: "baby maker." No. Never. Not even if you're trying to have a kid. Instant boner killer.
Q: Britney Spears dyed her hair black. Wouldn't it be cool if a girl dyed her pubic hair (or shaved it) a different, weird color? What if a guy did that?
--A. Carter's Ability to Beat Shaq, StraightUpInTheHood
A: The only thing "cool" about pubic hair is not having it. If you have a little and you died it a weird color, well it ain't gonna stop me from going down on a girl. But I'm certainly not going to discuss how awesome it was that "OH I WENT DOWN ON HER AND SHE HAD NEON ORANGE PUBES!" False. As for men....the same. Just shave most of it damnit. Pubic hair is gross and you'll get alot more head if you do. At least I will. Maybe not you. Me, yes. You, maybe.
Q: If you had to have sex in front of three people, anyone in the world, who would it be and why? Has anyone ever watched you before?
--J. Shore's Inherent Douchiness, Scumville, NJ.
A: Nobody has ever watched me before and I don't think I'd really like it--probably too much pressure. But if I had to pick three people, I'd pick Tiger Woods since he could give me pointers, Padma from Top Chef cause she could have a nice quiche ready for me when I'm done, and Michelle Obama. Just so I'd have SOMETHING over Obama. The only thing you'll need to change after that is your wife's underwear, Barack. BOOMBAMA!
Q: How does one go for eight days without the following: sex, oral sex, handjobs (self-inflicted or otherwise), or any sort of "finish" and stay sane?
--C. Farrell's Very Hot Irish Accent That's Better Than Any England Accent Cause England Sucks, Dublin, Ireland.
A: One drinks alot. One eats alot. One smokes alot. One goes insane every other moment of everyday every hour every minute every second everyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyMOMMMMMMMENTTTTTTT. DAMN YOU SCUBA STEVE.
Q: Hey Brando, I hear you're a godfather now. What's your favorite mob movie of all time?
--M. Brando's Dead But Still Fat Behind, ALbany, NY.
A: My favorite mob movie of all time is The Departed. Listen, I love Godfather and Goodfellas and all that jazz but The Departed just hits me. Loaded cast, great dialogue. It's just a sexy experience for lovers of violence and the F word.
Q: What's the best drunk food you could possibly have in Chicago, IL? I just moved here and am a near alcoholic.
--D. Schrute's Love of Beets, Scranton, PN.
A: I have been and always will be a pizza guy. Although I'm not familiar with many food areas in the city, the best pizza I've had while drinking/after drinking is at Piece in Wicker Park (I think). It's really good and it's a microbrewery...so there's no reason you have to lose your buzz.
Q: Re-Write a Song for Me. Any song. Just re-write it so it's all about alcohol and partying. Pull no punches.
--V. Hot Blonde I Turned Down Last Night, The Internet.
A: For my symphony of drunkenness, I choose 3OH!3's "Don't Trust Me" because of course I do:
Black beer with whiskey underneath,
All this Guinness has stained my teeth.
And that actress doing lines of keef,
She's so drunk she wouldn't know chicken from beef.
T-t-the drinks taste kinda weak,
While my tongue taste kinda like I licked a leaf.
She told her boyfriend "Hey, yo, chief"
That guy's a barbarian and he stole our Jack & Jim.
I want to drink it, Whoa Oh
I want to shot it, Whoa Oh,
i want to stumble ho-ho-ho-ho home
Don't trust the blow, Never Trust the Blow, Won't Trust, Cause the Blow Fucks Up Me.
Exit's and scrapes on my hands
Always in my future since I won't comply with demands
And the drink list, I spit on that page
Then hit on some chick since I know she's engaged.
S-S-She's not giving into my charm
I wonder if this works back in Veitnam.
And the best is, back in Myanmar
Just a few places I;ve got kicked out of so far.
She wants my drink, Whoa Oh
I want my drink, Whoa Oh,
I think I'll trade it for a blow-oh-oh-oh
Trade your drink for sex, Always trade for Sex, Will Trade, Cause Sex fills me with Glee.
Shush girl, shut your lips
If I wanted to hear you talk I wouldn't have made you strip
(repeat 3 times)
I'll let her drink it, Whoa Oh
I'll have a little, Whoa Oh
This verse sucks, whoa oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Drinks over hoes, Always Booze Befo, Don't Drink if you're Expecting.
That's it for the mailbag this month--aur revoir muchachas!
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I already have a question for next month.
ReplyDeleteIn your opinion, do you think it would be appropriate if I were to discuss my boyfriend's penis size with my best friends? What if we were to go as far as making up a common nickname for him regarding his penis size?