Recession Proofs: How to Drink For Free

With tough times hitting everyone's wallet, it's at this time more than ever that it's important to save some cash. Well, that doesn't mean you necessarily have to give up fun. Just find more creative ways to have it! If you feel as if you still must go out (and let's be honest--if you're reading this, you probably do), I've put together a few ways you can save some cash by not having to pay for those pesky expensive drinks. Here are 6 Ways to Drink for Free.

Be Very, Very Attractive
How to Prepare: Do your hair, spray on some cologne/perfume, get on the treadmill, hope you were blessed with a favorable bone structure.
How It Works: The easiest and most effective way of getting free drinks is to be hot. Obviously, there's not much to it. Sit at the bar, flash a few glances, and BOOM! Drink's are freer than America on the 4th of July. Of course this works better if you're female but that doesn't mean it can't work for males. You just have to look really good and pray on the weak. It's been done for centuries, why stop now?
Pictured: Billy Zane always drinks free, bitches.


Flask
How to Prepare: Pour alcohol into flask, put flask in pocket, go to bar, don't be retarded.
How It Works: Ever since drunk-driving became so faux pas, bars have been giving out free soft drinks (read: mixers) to designated drivers. There's no reason in this struggling economy that you shouldn't take advantage of their offer. Get your free Sprite, go to the bathroom, and pour in some vodka. That's a free $6 cocktail right there, ladies and gents. For of those of you not blessed with a flask...well, you're reading a blog about alcoholism. I'm going to assume you have a flask.
Pictured: Don't get confused--this isn't science class.


Identity Theft
How to Prepare: Steal Someone Else's Credit Card or Money.
How It Works: Is there someone you hate? I mean, like, a lot. If so, steal their wallet, take their credit card, and put it back (you don't want them canceling it--if it's all missing they'll cancel it. If just the credit card is missing, they'll look for it for a while). Go to your favorite bar and start a tab. I recommend taking complete advantage of this situation while you can. Grey goose martini's to those two decent looking girls should automatically not only make you look like a badass, but also in a position to get some bad ass. Identity Theft is extremely effective and requires very little effort. I assume that's why it's so popular.
Pictured: That's right--be the victor.


Tell People You Have Cancer
How to Prepare: Wear a hat so it looks like you have no hair, get a fake hospital wristband, prepare some funny cancer jokes to show you still have a sense of humor about it.
How It Works: Perhaps not the most ethical way to get free drinks, but a way nonetheless (After all, you're still reading this after I suggested identity theft). There's nothing that hits people harder than the "c" word. Cancer is deadly--and there's no way people are gonna let you pay for drinks while you've got one last night to have fun before starting chemo. Hell, you might even get some sympathy sex. The only problem may be that you can only use this once per bar, so maybe make it at a bar you may not go to for a while. And remember kiddies--the later the stage of the disease, the higher the class of the drinks. This also works with break-ups, deaths in the family, and horrific train accidents that your fiancee got in (hey, just thinking outside the box).
Pictured: What? Black people do it all the time.


Become a Con-Artist
How to Prepare: Look Unsuspecting, Think of a Good Ol' Fashioned Ruse, Prepare to Get Ass-Kicked.
How It Works: Usually not recommended, but hell, times are tough. There are millions of ways to do it. Maybe stop a girl from drinking her drink, tell her you saw someone put something it, tell her you'll get her a new one and walk off with it. Just think of an excuse if she asks you about it later. Go around with raffle tickets and a jar and sell them to morons for $2. Like you can't get three idiots at a bar to believe you? This idea WILL piss people off, very much so. So you might need to plan on bar-hopping on a night you do this. Just so, you know, you don't die for a vodka/cranberry.
Pictured: They got people to believe Bernie was dead--twice!


Buy an Auto-Tune Machine
How to Prepare: Go on Iphone, Buy T-Pain Autotune Application, Tell Bar Your Band Will Play All Night for Free Drinks.
How It Works: Yup, even for drinking free, there's an "App" for that! People love auto-tuned shit these days. It's horrific but who cares? Buy an auto-tune machine and pretend you have a band. Pre-record a bunch of shitty music auto-tuned with a similar beat that people can dance to. Most bars will let you play it if you only ask for free drinks. It may be a little more work than the rest but really, if you're thinking of ways to try and get free drinks, you've probably got some time on your hands. Wait--I think I just insulted myself.
Pictured: Worked for him and I doubt he's got a BA.


Well, I hope I helped a little bit. You people enjoy your weekend, YA HEAR?! Until next time, aur revoir mis bonita readers.