Level 1: Tipsy
Common Traits: Giggly, Smiley-Faced, "OH YEAH I KNOW HIM!"
The Level: Tipsy, as said by J-Kwon, is what everyone in the club is getting. It's not drunk at all, really. More just an acknowledgment (or reminder) that "that's alcohol you're drinking, there." It won't get the shy kid to start singing Britney Spears on top of the bar, but it'll get him to start to loosen up a bit and maybe start talking about how the Bulls should probably fire Del Negro already. It's the perfect kind of drunk for a first date: loosened up enough to maybe make a mistake but not enough to blame it on the alcohol.
Pictured: This is like half a glass for a horse.
Level 2: "OK, I'm feeling it..."
Common Traits: Lightheaded, Braggy, "Haha, That's not what Monica told me..."
The Level: When you're feeling it, as the Black Eyed Peas would say, tonight's gonna be a good night. It's still not very high up on the scale, but it's enough to turn giggles to fits of laughter. The ugly people aren't attractive yet (still a ways away from that) but you might be planting the seeds of "Oh, he's kind of funnny...." at this point. Achieved by 1 margarita (for a man) and 2 sips of a margarita (for a girl). Not ready to dance yet but not ready to NOT dance, either. Boom.
Pictured: Ok, the conversion rate can differ....
Level 3: Over the Limit
Common Traits: Starting to Groove, "Oh Hell Yeah," "Ok, Fine, I'll go out..."
The Level: It's where, as ABBA would say, one can just become the dancing queen. No longer are you able to drive but that doesn't mean the night's over. Oh no, on the contrary. It's where one start to find their "groove thing." Finally feeling it enough to maybe dance. At the point where "Ay Bay Bay" actually sounds like a decent song. It's at this point where most people get the brilliant idea to belt out "let's get hammered baby!" Looking back on the night, you can foreshadow the regret you feel the next morning at this point.
Pictured: It's in your future...
Level 4: "Whooooo!"
Common Traits: Volume Increased, Attention Span Decreased, Seizure-Like Dance Moves (White People Only)
The Level: It's where, as T-Pain would say, guys will finally buy you a drank. Where "Whoo!"-Girls finally show their true selves. It's where your inhibition is lost and nothing else matters but having a good time for the rest of the night. Where guys finally get the courage to start hitting on woman at their equal level of attractiveness. Suddenly shots are not only encouraged, but for some reason mandatory. Where most people reach their apex of beer pong abilities. Also where stumbling begins but only once in a while. The point where most girls will start to spill all the secrets their friends just made them promise not to tell anyone. The point most guys will start lying about how much action they got from that girl to save face.
Pictured: Former MLB Superscumbag Jim Edmonds in-between striking out and overdiving for fly balls.
Level 5: Drunk
Common Traits: Dumbed-Down Arguments, Puckered Lips to Show How Cool that Person Is, Hands Raised Above Head (Girls Only) for Maximum Cool Effect
The Level: It's where, as Petey Pablo would say, one must "come on and raise up." Especially if you're from North Carolina. Congratulations, you have finally crossed into drunk! Nothing else matters but your buzz and your level of fun for the night at this point. Everyone else is now irrelevant. Besides members of the opposite sex, of course. It's where your genitalia says "You know, I wouldn't mind if you used me besides to piss once in a while..." Also the level where people begin to make absurd claims such as "Tequila? Nope, doesn't affect me at all." Or "What you drinking brah? Sex on the beach? More like period on the beach. HA!" "Whaaat?" Roasted.
Pictured: Token picture of a black person so I don't seem racist.
Level 6: "You know, Fuck You, Jesse McCartney is awesome!"
Common Traits: Slurred Speech, Dazed Look, Craving High-Fat Foods, Singing Everything that Even Resembles a Song.
The Level: This is where, as 3OH!3 would say, girls start to do the Hellen Keller (as offensive as it may be). You've decided to move on past drunk! Congratulations! Your head will hurt a little in the morning. Where all you wanna do is dance and have sex. And drink much, much more. Where most people lose control of any sort of cares at all in the world including the following obligations the next day: attend a funeral, take a final, be part of a wedding, work, church, and/or voting. It's at this point where people at this level have "deep" conversations and make friends out of complete strangers for no other reason than you are both drinking red wine on the dance floor. Wait...what?
Pictured: See? Friend's forever...
Level 7: "Is that guy staring at me? F**K YOU BUDDY!"
Common Traits: Lack of Self-Awareness, Feeling "Invincible", Ability to make Extremely Rash Decisions, Ability to Make Complete Ass of Self.
The Level: It's where, as Nelly Furtado would say, one becomes a promiscuous girl (if you're female or gay). Where are you? In out of control town, population you. Dance as white as you possibly can. Pick up lines go from good to "You're ass looks hot in those jeans, reminds me of my stepsister." The power of suggestion works well on this level. Someone thinks you can't chuck that Long Island Iced Tea? Fuck them, it's on. Think you can't jump that fire hydrant even though it's really icy out? Jokes on them, I got health insurance anyway BRAH! Fighting always seems like a good idea, especially if it's someone who can kick your ass. (Girl Equivalent: Starting to spread lies about girls they hate. It's emotionally crippling instead of a broken nose.)
Pictured: I LOVE THIS SONG STRANGER!
Level 8: Hammered
Common Traits: Falling Down, Telling People About Their Rock Collection, Creepy, Swaying Back and Forth, Screaming at Highlights to Sports as if they were Currently Happening.
The Level: It's where, as Kanye would say, "I'MMA LET YOU FINISH BUT BEYONCE DOES KARAOKE BETTER!" You have officially fallen off the wagon of civilization and entered a level where anything and everything could and might just happen. That ugly guy/girl from across the bar is now Brad Pitt/Jessica Alba. Your speech is more slurred than Lil Wayne's is sober. Everything is hilarious, brilliant, or epic. Where people do stuff they say they'd never do. Because if you don't say it, who's gonna scream "MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT DREWWWWWWW" on the karaoke mic about your ex-boyfriend?
Pictured: Everyone's got a purpose, you know.
Level 9: Blacked Out
Common Traits: Throwing Up, Grinding with a Mannequin, Yelling Profane Disgusting Thing at People That Really Don't Deserve that at all. Where the part of the brain obsessed with sex becomes your whole brain.
The Level: It's where, as Hilary Duff would say, Why Not? There's no reason not to do anything anything anymore, you won't remember it anyway, remember? You have reached a level only achievable by the Rex Grossman's of the world. You feel like you might puke, but you won't remember if you did, so keep drinking, you amateur. It's at this level where not even Nostradamus could predict what might happen to you. The next morning you will have 2 or more of the following on or near you: bruises, vomit, condom wrapper, extremely ugly person (not including yourself), unfinished food, a broken phone (yours or otherwise), a drink, pee, poo, sharpie drawing of a penis on your face, or women's underwear on your head.
Pictured: What you might wake up--sooner or later.
Level 10: Alcohol Poisoning
Common Traits: Vomiting, Hospital Visits, Doctors Scoffing "Ugh, Another one of those...," Death.
The Level: It's where, as Tupac would say, I'm dead. Unfortunately, this is not a happy level. Only bad things happen. Vomiting with blood in it, usually, is a tell-tale sign you might need to dial 911. Also, people will go from concern to thinking you are a jackass when they hear that you're in the hospital until they hear why. It's the Lindsay Lohan level that few achieve and fewer live through. But worry not, silly alcohol drinker, a simple stomach pump will put you back in action. After all: that case of Natty isn't gonna finish itself.
Pictured: Not as cute as this picture would suggest.
There you have it. A personal level of drunk chart to consult on your future adventures. But that'll be all for now. After all, Level 5 isn't gonna reach itself....
I ran into Jim Edmonds in a bar once in St. Louis. The guy was a jackass.
ReplyDeletedude your references are hilarious. this is the funniest thing i read
ReplyDeleteThat was AMAZING. I'm 12 and you've just convinced me never to get drunk. Thanks!
ReplyDelete(By the way, I've read dozens of these and none have been as good! Congrats!)