Speaking in Tongues

Sometimes, when people want to pretend they are someone else, people put on makeup, costumes, maybe even dye their hair. It doesn't take much for people to believe you look like someone else in the world of acting. But it does take something special to make the audience believe you are someone else. I always see lists of the worst accents (I think even I may have done one) but never of the best. I mean, it doesn't take a genius to talk with a horrible accent and basically mock the dialect you're trying to speak. But for a non-native speaker to convince you that they are from somewhere else? That's special. Maybe even sexy. I don't know, depends what accent I guess. But let's celebrate greatness in all it's glory. Today, as I take a break from mocking the rest of the world, I celebrate those who have perfected the art of the accent. And since nobody on the internet cares about anything before the 1980's, it will be the 7 Best Accents in Movies in the Last 20 Years.
As Fergie and will.i.am would say if they were together, Let's get it started.

7. Don Cheadle
Movie: Hotel Rwanda
Normally Speaks: Born in Kansas City, MO. Speaks American English.
Accent Used: French Rwandan. Think Devin Hester speaking French, but being a smarter person. (alert!: this is not being racist, Devin Hester is just absolutely the opposite of smart)
Do Work Son: When you make a movie about genocide, you obviously need to capture the emotion as a character. Cheadle, who has come a long way since gems like Hamburger Hill, captures the genuine fear of the situation while allowing people to stay at his hotel for free. Hell, if I knew they were having discounts, I would have been on the first plane to Kigali! (note: jokes about genocide are inappropriate and very rarely funny) Cheadle nails his French Rwandan like it's a free ride on the Hooker Express. There's no part of me that doesn't believe Cheadle as the compassionate hotel owner. I've never met a Rwandan, probably because it's like Africa's Rhode Island, but when I watch Hotel Rwanda, I feel like I knew how one would sound. Or something like that. By the way: I'd like it if there were more movies about Africa. Most people wouldn't, but I feel like there's an unlimited amount of cinematic subjects (or AIDS patients) to be found there.


6. Amy Ryan
Movie: Gone Baby Gone
Normally Speaks: Amy Ryan was born in Queen, New York and speaks American English.
Accent Used: Dorchester (Boston) accent
Do Work...Daughter: What makes Amy Ryan's role so impressive is that it came in a movie directed by Ben Affleck. in all seriousness...wait, I was being serious. Anyways, Ryan was so convincing with her heavy Boston accent that she wasn't even allowed on the set by security because they thought she was just some local woman. That reminds me of the time I tried to convince someone I was Irish in Dublin (read: it ended badly). Anyways, Ryan's drug addicted Bostoner sound like a drug addicted Bostoner. Seemingly without any effort. Ryan proves you don't always need the biggest name for a role, but the best fit. I mean, you really have to take yourself down a notch to even want to perfect the Boston accent. To lay it on that thick? That must take earplugs and a six-pack to even get through. Nobody knows why Bostoners talk the way they do, but it's rumored that a bunch of countryside Irish men bred with Fran Drescher. I love you though, Boston. Any predominately Irish town is good by me. But Ms. Ryan does well here to make you absolutely despise her, so much so that you don't even want her anywhere near her own kid. Her Oscar nom was whickad awesome. Come on, you were expecting it. At least it's not Jimmy Fallon saying it.


5. WIlliam H. Macy and Frances McDormand (tie)
Movie: Fargo
Normally Speaks: Macy was born in Miami, FL and speaks American English. Frances McDormand was born in Chicago, IL and speaks American English, Chicago style. We say "moon" like "mune"!!!
Accent Used: The "singsong" accent of upper Minnesota, which sounds close to the "Nords and the Swedes". (Nords = anyone from Norway, Sweden, Finland, Denmark or Iceland). It's kind of like a viking in a broadway musical.
Do Work...Kids: "Yahhhh?" Yahhh!! I couldn't pick which between these two because 1) I've never actually heard this accent and 2) they are both so convincing. They are also at both ends of the spectrum: a content, optimistic cop and a desperate, unlucky used car salesman. You can hear it in the "Yahhs", the "You betchas" and even the curse words that sound like a chipmunk inviting you to dinner. Fargo is just one of those movies where everything is so surreal that it's just so believable. I mean, how do the actors talk like this the whole movie without just laughing at themselves? I mean, no offense Minnesota/North Dakota, the accent is like an Australian broadway star who had sex with a French Canadian homosexual. Words don't describe it. Unless, of course, the word is "yahhhh".


4. Viggo Mortensen
Movie: Eastern Promises
Normally Speaks: Was born in New York but lived in Venezuela, Denmark, and Argentina, where he learned Spanish. Then moved to Venezuela when he was 11, then Denmark with his father, then New York, where he attended school, and majored in Spanish. Kind of like being born in Mexico, living in America til they were 18, then majoring in English in Mexico. Sounds fair.
Accent Used: Plays a Russian born character living in London.
Do Work Son: If you've seen the movie, you know how bad ass it and Viggo is in it. Playing a Russian gangster, there is the remorseless, yet hinting at a possibility that there is human feeling in the voice, which is basically what you would expect a normal Russian to sound like. From everything down to his characters mannerisms, Viggo owns his Russian gangster like you expect the Russian gangster would own at least 4 Ukranian sex slaves. But there is the "I'm so used to this by now, that I'll give you a heads up but ultimately do what I'm told" feeling in his voice. I guess you just need to see it, since that explanation is as helpful as a Farsi-English dictionary in Arabic. It's all in the voice here and when you can make me enjoy listening to a Russian mobster and even sympathize with him, then you've done a better job than Tiger at the Masters. Because I hate Russians the same way I hate communists. Russia is basically just "Communism on Halloween" anyway. Enjoy Viggo on Halloween, unless the English don't do that. And they wouldn't. (read: notice how I just insulted my two nationality rivals in one paragraph. horray misguided nationalism!)


3. Forest Whitaker
Movie: The Last King of Scotland
Normally Speaks: Was born in Longiew (very east), Texas and speaks Texas English.
Accent Used: Ugandan with a British influence
Do Work Son: It takes a real man to play a dictator. When you're born in Texas and have to play a man that was born in Uganda and spent much of life with the British army, good luck. Forest does a miraculous job here. There's not one moment throughout the movie where Forest Whitaker is not the absolute, 100% embodiment of Idi Amin, the Ugandan murdering crazy man. An Oscar winning performance that so deserved it. The accent is horrifying and not in a bad way. Horrifying in the sense that, you are really listening to a dictator. That could be the man that murdered millions up on the screen and you wouldn't know the difference between the two. To get down the vocal and physical mannerisms of another man from another culture is one of the hardest things to do for an actor, which is why performances like that are so often awarded. An English speaking Ugandan? I bet Whitaker could fit right in there, his accent is that good. Have you ever heard someone talk that sounded like he might snap at any second but is actually being really nice? Take that, and now you KNOW he's a horrible person but he's being nice. It's scary. And Whitaker's voice is scarier than Michael Jackson's to a 9-year old boy.


2. Leonado DiCaprio
Movie: Blood Diamond
Normally Speaks: Was born in Los Angeles so he speaks Liberal English.
Accent Used: Native Anglo-African South African.
Do Work Son: Degree of difficulty was a big part of my decision to put Leo in this spot. Many have tried to the South African accent, to no avail. What Leo does here is, not only does he keep the accent spot on throughout the movie, he nails the sounds and nuances of the South African dialect that sounds like a mix of Dutch, English, and Ebonics. From what I've read from native speakers, Leo's attempt is about as good as it has got. Does that mean it was a better performance than Whitaker? No, just a better accent. How Leo turned from a heartthrob to a badass is beyond me, but I'm buying and loving every new performance we get from this guy. The voice is of an unflinching, selfish and bitter native. Hearing his voice in Blood Diamond makes you wonder how Leo the Boy turned into Leo the I Want My Fucking Diamond Guy. Obviously, no white man (or any man, for that matter) that is born in Africa is lucky. And you can sense in his voice that not only is he from there, but he wishes he wasn't and he takes it out on anyone who gets near him. Never, dare I say, has a voice from Africa sounded so fucking beautiful, yet in a "tried to be too creative" language that Leo has down to a T. Whatever that expression means. Plus, this guy is sleeping with the SI Swimsuit cover model. (Side note: I wonder what a white South African woman sounds like during sex? Anyone out there suave enough to find out?)
Skip ahead to 1:30 on the video.


1. Gary Oldman
Movie: True Romance, written in the early days of Quentin Tarantino's career. (Directed by Tony Scott, my apologies)
Normally Speaks: Born in London, England but he has used so many different accents for movies, I doubt he even knows what he speaks anymore.
Accent Used: Rastafarian. Which is "stoner Jamaican" for the uneducated.
Do Work Mahn: Only in a film with Quentin Tarantino involved would Gary Oldman play a Rastafarian pimp in Alabama. One can only ask where QT get's his cocaine. When you have a man from London playing a Rastafarian, well, what can you say but "good luck, moron." But Oldman, as he does with most accents, nails it. The man has done every type of accent imaginable, and makes me think in his limited time in the film that, yes, he does worship Jah, and yes, he does smoke more weed than Ricky Williams and Randy Moss in Amsterdam. And seriously, not many people have actually heard a real-live Rasta man speak. Well, I have. I had to do a project on them in college, so I've seen and heard many videos with Rastas. Gary Oldman takes on the role of a Rasta with the absolute laziness and devotion that a typical member of the Rasta tribe has. But seriously, it's one of the those bizarre things I could talk about but it just needs witnessing. So enjoy a white British man playing a black stoner Jamaican.
I love QT. (Tony Scott is OK)


There you have it. Accents that defy logic, present and accounted for by the absolute sexiness that is this blog. Who knew a blog could be described as that? Not Adriana Huffington, that's who. I mean, what more can I really say? Do people actually even read these conclusions? How do I summarize accents? Some sound funny, some sound cool, all of them above are impressive. The end. Much peace and love from yours truly. Or, as they say in Compton, thank you for reading and good night.