Please, Stop It Already: Nicholas Cage Edition

Hey, yo, yo. What's up people? Today, I'm going to try to introduce what may or may not be a recurring element of my blog. It'll be my plea for someone to stop doing something that has become so fascinatingly annoying, yet they don't realize it. And seriously, to start with anyone in the world but Nicholas Cage wouldn't be fair to all the other people in the world. Think of this segment as me being Pontius Pilate, the subject being Jesus, and you readers being the Jews. But in a less offensive to Christians sort of way. I think Christians would agree about Nick Cage though. (Feedback on this blog would be appreciated, because I'd like to gauge how this segment reads.) Anyways, let's start the crucifixion.

Nicholas Cage

"Remember, Cher won an Oscar, so don't take mine too seriously"

Career Highlights: Adaptation., Leaving Las Vegas, Raising Arizona, Matchstick Men
Awards: Best Actor for Leaving Las Vegas, Nominated for Best Actor for Adaptation, Nominated for Worst Actor (Razzies) for The Wicker Man, Next, National Treasure 2, and Ghost Rider.

What Needs to Stop: Nicholas Cage has put in a few decent performances throughout his career. I mean, the man trained for his Oscar winning role impressively, by going to Dublin and getting drunk for an entire week. Or in Adaptation working with the best screenwriter in the business. Or in Raising Arizona working with the best directors in the business. More seriously though, Nicholas Cage is essentially making the same movie, over and over. Brief synopsis of all Nicholas Cage movies of the 00's: "Cage needs to save something, and do it quickly, or people will die. Quickly." The man has had an incredibly horrible stretch of movies. In the last ten years, let's judge the quality in sections to figure out what's going on here.

The Derrick Rose Category of Good
Examples: Adaptation, Leaving Las Vegas, and Raising Arizona. I was being generous with Matchstick Men, but include it if you want.
Common Links: There is no doubt that Leaving Las Vegas was, and will forever remain, Cage's magnum opus. Playing two characters in Adaptation, which I admittedly haven't seen in a while, he also does well. But in Raising Arizona, he's just playing a hick, which means growing a mustache and dumbing yourself down. The directors of Raising Arizona, the Coen Brothers, could probably get a good performance out of Vin Diesel. Is there anything that links these movies? Yes. They are all movies in which Cage's characters are surrounded by other actors/actresses that bring it and bring it really well. Cage needs help, or something, from his peers to bring a good performance. Hell, even in Matchstick Men he had the underrated Sam Rockwell.

The Sex with that Drunk Girl You Met at 3 AM Category of Mediocrity
Examples: 8MM, World Trade Center, National Treasure, The Rock, Con Air, Face/Off
Common Links: It's hard to blame Cage for any of these films, since most actors, besides a select few, get to be in a good movie every time out. However, some common themes are common throughout many, many Cage movies. Save someone, save them quickly, or they'll die or horrible things will happen. And seriously, World Trade Center was a bad idea, especially that aspect of 9/11. United 93 did it right. People just don't want to see a story like that when they see a 9/11 movie. And Cage as a firefighter? Yeah, maybe in Bumblefuck. Nothing about these movies is really inherently bad but The Rock has Sean Connery, Con Air has John Malkovich and John Cusack, Face/off has...well, never mind. Even National Treasure was made by his sidekick with the black hair and the chick who played Helen of Troy.

The Putting the Letters "Ja" or "De" in Front of a Common Name and Naming Your Kid That Category of Bad
Examples: Windtalkers, The Family Man, The Weather Man, Snake Eyes, Gone in 60 Seconds, National Treasure 2, City of Angels, Bangkok Dangerous, Next, and (assumption) Knowing
Common Link: The assumption that, in these movies, Nicholas Cage is on a mission to accomplish something and no matter who else is killed, what's destroyed, or where it's happening, it's the most important thing going on in the world at that moment. I remember watching "The Family Man" in high school, and I don't have enough hate for any of my teacher to try and think of which one made us watch it. I can surmise each of these movies in 5 words or less: Save Indian or Lose War, Don't Leave the Girl, You Can't Predict the Weather, Murder! Vegas! Conspiracy! Boxing!, Steal Cars Fast or Die, Save Your Family's Reputation Quickly, Sex over God, Remake of Mediocre Asian Film, Save Future by Seeing It, Next with Math. Unfortunately for you, I'm not even done yet.

The "Plan 9 From Outer Space," "Manos, Hands of Fate," and "Battlefield Earth" Category of So Bad, It's Funny and Sad
Examples: The Wicker Man
Worst of the Decade: it's like a car crash. Despite it being a terrible thing, people just can't look away. Movies this bad come around once every ten years, if we're lucky (or unlucky). Movies where you laugh at the serious moments, scary moments, love scenes, and just about everything else. A movie where, if you took a class of filmmaking, the teacher would say "do the opposite of this." That is The Wicker Man, Cage's re-make of the horror classic. A movie that can certainly be considered one of the worst of the decade, Cage's performance is so obviously mailed in from beginning that it's almost like he's saying to the audience "You're actually WATCHING this?! Thanks for the cash!" Here are some highlights of the movie: Cage yells at a woman at gunpoint to get off a bike made for women then rides away on it, Cage is attacked by bees, Cage wears a full body bear suit, Cage punching a woman and pushing around children, Cage screaming "NOT THE BEES!" "AHH MY LEGS!" "HOW'D IT GET BURNED x6!" and other various unintentionally hilarious gems. When an actor has a performance this bad and has won an Oscar...well, it's just hard to comprehend.


Solutions to the Problem: I think it's fair to say that Cage has turned into a one-note actor. It's almost as if he's mailed in his career for the paychecks that bafflingly keep being handed to him. When you've become the white Cuba Gooding Jr., you need a change. Go outside the box. Find a good project with a good script and a good director, and take a supporting role. Try it, they have awards for that too. Some actors (Clooney, Daniel Day-Lewis, Johnny Depp) were born for leading roles. You are not one of those Mr. Cage.
Another solution: Do some theatre. That way, barely anyone will see your work.

Please, Stop It Already: Nicholas Cage has 9 movies set to come out between 2009-2010. Two are animated and 5 are Action/Drama's. Cage is the lead in all of them. One of two has the potential to be good, but could end up being disastrous. Working with the talented German Werner Herzog might help, or maybe in a comedy directed by one-good, one-awful movie newcomer Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake, Stardust). One thing is for sure: there's not an upcoming Cage film that can be the antidote for the box-office poison Nicholas Cage has become.
Nicholas Cage, stop making the same movie or I'll make you watch The Jonas Brothers' Movie 12 times in a row.

Well, now that the initial experiment is done, I hope you enjoyed it. There's many other people out there that are annoying the shit out of everyone, whether it be actors, athletes, or politicians. But we'll see. Like I said, I got ideas for blogs so obscure and so plentiful, that you readers should be excited. I'm really running out of things to say in these conclusions. Go out, use condoms, wear a seatbelt, don't eat peanut butter right now, wash your hands after handling reptiles, and get your pets spayed and neutered. If you want to, I'd feel kind of bad for the dog. Until next time, I bid you so long, farwell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.