Upset While Dancing? Find Cinderella and Cry About It

With the NCAA Tournament approaching faster than a really fast Ethiopian (all my metaphors can't be winners, people), I feel like I owe it to the NCAA to do a blog about the tournament, since it doesn't get enough media attention. The best stories of the event are always which little schools advance the farthest (i.e. Davidson). People love upsets, which I never understood, because the higher ranked team gets so upset. What becomes of these legends at small schools? Do they advance on to a normal life like the rest of us? Do they enter the porn industry like the lucky ones? Or do they get arrested for drug possession? Wherever they end up, they no doubt feed of the legend. And good for them, cause I'd do it too. So, in honor of the underdog, here is my "Where Are They Now?": Stars of the Biggest Upsets in NCAA Tournament HIstory. Because the only thing we truly know about them is that they definitely got laid after the tournament. Well, and what's on wikipedia. (note: this article is sponsored by Travis Henry's Soccer Team. Or, as they are also known, his kids)

Jai Lewis
Star of: 2006 Final Four Team and #11 seed George Mason
Career Highlights: Four Year starter at George Mason, averaging around 14 pts and 7 rebounds most of his career, and weighing 275 lbs.
Where You At? After graduating from George Mason (maybe...), Lewis convinced himself that he was so fat, he could be an offensive lineman. He was signed by the Giants but was later cut when scouts remembered "oh wait, we just signed this guy for publicity." He's played basketball in Japan, France, Israel, and currently a different team in Israel. In another interesting tidbit, every member of the starting 5 for the 2006 George Mason Patriots is playing in a different country. Which basically just means they ain't great. But while Lewis is dodging holy wars, he can take solace in the fact that people will always member that fat guy from that year's Final Four. If they have a good memory.
Memorable Quote: Regarding some of his teammates in Israel having to bring their weapon to practice: "They say if they lose their weapon, they go from 5 years of military service to ten." Classy, classy stuff.


Ricky Paulding
Star of: 2002 Elite Eight Team and #12 seed Missouri
Career Highlights: Scored 71 points in a game [citation needed], beat Dwayne Wade in the NCAA Tournament with 36 Points, and lists his hobbies as video games, TV, and music. He's a real creative guy.
Where You At? Was drafted by the Pistons in the 2nd round, played for Israel, was cut, and couldn't make the Kings, who asked me to tryout last week. After that, he played for 2 different teams in France and recently signed with a German team. He plays in Oldenburg, Germany which is described as the hub of German agricultural industry. He scored 13 points in last game. Hey, it can't be all bad, he gets to live in Europe to play basketball and hit all those....ummm....decent-looking German women.
(Thank You, Lord I don't live in Germany)
Memorable Quote: On his opinion of Israel: "I had no idea so many people spoke English here. And the people is really friendly. It's great here." Wow. Breathtaking. (And no, that's not a typo in the second sentence)


Antonio Gates
Star of: 2002 Elite Eight Team and #10 seed Kent St.
Career Highlights: Averaged 20 pts. and 8 rebounds in senior year, Honorable Mention All-American, and better known for football, which he didn't play in college.
Where You At? Any NFL fan knows where Gates is at now, he's playing for the San Diego Chargers in the NFL. Unlike the aforementioned Jai "Large Fries" Lewis, Gates has turned into his basketball career into an extremely successful football career as a Tight End. Gates has set records for receiving touchdowns for a tight end, gets to live in beautiful San Diego, and does charity work. He stays out of trouble, too. So, he's perfect and we all suck. We get it. Well, he had to grow up in Detroit. So we're all even. But more seriously, Gates has turned a moment in the sun into a very lucrative, seemingly happy life. And he's the first player on the list who hasn't played for Israel. Good for you, Antonio!
Memorable Quote: "Say what you will about pro athletes holding out for more money. Most shouldn't do it, but you've got to admit I had more of a right to than anyone. I was only making $380,000 a year. That's chump change. I could make that playing basketball in Turkey, or in the Major Indoor Lacrosse League. The Chargers know they were wrong. That's why they gave me a new contract." So modest. Does the Lacrosse League really pay that well, though? C'mon Antonio, do some research before you open your mouth.


Don't quit your day job, AG.

God Shammgod
Star of: 1997 Elite Eight team and #10 seed Providence
Career Highlights: Big East rookie of the year, Big East freshmen assist record, and most bizarre name in the history of man.
Where You At? After leaving Providence, Shammgod played one year in the NBA with the Washington Wizards before being cut. He's played on two different teams in China, Poland, and Saudi Arabia. Currently, God plays for Portland in the IBL, whatever that is. I always thought God would be on a higher profile team or something, but I guess he wants to be noticed without anyone ever seeing him. Since that's what he's doing in Portland. His name, offensive to everyone but atheists and me, because I think it's hilariously bizarre, is actually his birth name. He changed for a while in high school but realized that, if scouts were going to notice him, he needed to change it back to God. I only wish I could have seen the look on the nurses face when she asked his parents what the boy's name was. Did you know that when he says "God damn it", he's actually talking in the third person while using a common curse phrase? That. IS. AWESOME. P.S. Shammgod wasn't even the best player on Providence, but you really didn't want to hear about Austin Croschere when you could be talking about God, did you?
Also, when God schooled people he said, "AND I SAID IT WAS GOOD, MOTHERFUCKER!"
Memorable Quote: Coach in China about his team: "If we all played like Shammgod, we'd be alot better." Fuckin' right, communist.


Ed Pinckney
Star of: 1985 National Champions and #8 seed Villanova
Career Highlights: 1985 NCAA Tournament MVP, near Double-Double average as 4 year starter, and the same name as a talking horse. (see: Mr. Ed)
Where You At? While Ed played in the NBA for 12 years with seven different teams, his success came after he retired in 1997. He was a broadcaster for the Miami Heat from 1997 to 2003, as well as their marketing director for a few years. He reunited with Villanova as an assistant coach from 2003-2007 and hired by the Minnesota Timberwolves as an assistant coach, where he resides at the moment. What can one say about Mr. Ed, besides that he led the lowest seed ever to win the NCAA title? Facing Patrick Ewing, no less, Pinckney had his shining moment while Ewing went on to win an NBA title and make millions of dollars, not to mention leaving pools of sweat in the biggest and greatest cities in America.
Memorable Quote: Spoken about either the NCAA Tourney or his drinking buddies about their families: “It was all about will and you just don't want to go home. They didn't want to go home, and we didn't want to go home.”


Kiki Vandeweghe
Star of: 1980 NCAA Runners Up and #8 seed UCLA
Career Highlights: Averaged 19 pts, 7 rebounds as a senior, 4 year starter, and predictably lame German nickname.
Where You At? Kiki played in the NBA for a while, having a mildly successful career before retiring. Vandeweghe was the General Manger for the Denver Nuggets, known as a great teacher of the game and a pretty good executive. He made a few bad trades (getting Iverson) and a few good ones (getting rid of Iverson). But, like in "The O.C.", relationships never last so Vandeweghe is now working as a special assistant for the Nets and as a motivational speaker (Dee sausage es no good en New Jewrsey, kids). Also, like girls at a slumber party, Kiki enjoys pillow fights, whip-cream bikini's, and applying massage oil, then giving massages to relieve stress. At least, that's what I'd think a guy named Kiki would be into. Or maybe Ms. Alba and Ms. Biel want to have a sleepover, order a pizza as I intercept the call, then get invited in since they've already had 4 margaritas apiece. (tilts head and dazes off.........)
(........)
(................)
(...................and we're BACK!)
Memorable Quote: Presumably after a player said something strange: "That's interesting. Maybe it was a Freudian slip."


Well, I've think we've all had enough of the underdog for now. Now we can all cheer for the favorites to win so that some guy who picked all the higher seeds can win your office pool. Other than that, I've got nothing. Enjoy March Madness and have a great St. Patrick's Day. Celebrate it like a real Irish person would: by getting so drunk that you don't remember one instance of the day. Slainte!